Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Nope, it's not good for you.

Think I am inclined to agree with bluesky . You can break the NC with a 'take all your bleedin stuff on Saturday ' type email (not text). Then it's done . You don't have to endure another weekend visit. You don't need the setbacks. You're doing stupendously!!!

So glad you have a night out on Saturday- good timing, a drink, a laugh and a dance with mates, perfect. Sorry you have a sad day on Friday...

About his stuff, he is really really unreasonable. If you don't want to contact him before this Saturday (although do think you should consider that) then arrange for another time. If he really won't do it, or insists on it being his house/ has a right to store stuff there etc etc then fuck it!! I say you bag it all up, every single item, drive to his mums and dump it. I know you don't want to be unreasonable but seriously...how unreasonable is it to put you through what he's put you through...then refuse to do something that will ease the pain of the other person. How long dies he think you want his shit there for?? If he still owns half the house this time next year, would he still want his bloody trousers hanging in your wardrobe?! He is being an arse. Seriously, lets flip this...if I ever cheated on someone would I then make demands on when I removed my stuff? Hell no...the shame, I'd play ball for damage limitation purposes. But then, I wouldn't cheat on somebody...as Shakespeare wrote 'and there's the rub'. A person that puts their own needs before others enough to cheat, us a person who acts selfishly in other ways. He's being a selfish knob whatnext and I'm angry for you.

Sorry to be ranty but I just think he's taking the piss.

mamma - I'm going to read your post again on Saturday morning. It helps me to get in the right frame of mind. I would do the same if I had cheated (which I never would), I would make it as easy as possible for the other person to heal by not leaving my clothes etc for almost 3 months. I sometims think I'm being unreasonable about it because it is his house too but no, you're right. It's too much. I've come a long way and even though I don't go into his wardrobe, I know it's there along with other things. He needs to sort it out for my peace of mind.

He finds it hard to come here and cried but me and my DS live with it every day, it's not on.

Exactly...who does he think he is?? Ended the relationship in the most painful way possible but thinks he can decide on how things will pan out, that you will follow his schedule and time scale.

I think you are so reasonable. How many women would have burnt every last solitary item? A lot!! It's another example of control. He's lost control really- his game is up, everybody knows his game and he's shown his true colours. By telling you when he wants to get things/not get things he's maintaining some control.

Imay be wrong but lets get down to basics- someone capable of cheating needs their ego massaged. You have done the odd bit of contact ( on the Saturday night etc etc) but you haven't done a bunny boiler, refusing to give up hope. You didn't grip hold of his ankles and plead with him when came for his bike. A part of him is probably gutted how strong you've been (remember that patronising 'I don't think we should talk until you're stronger!'). Well, now you are plodding on nicely, no contact...him calling the shots with his stuff allows a bit of contact, a bit of control and excuses to have to come into your space as he sees fit.

Jog on mate and keep jogging!!!!
You're doing great whatnext- you've got more strength and integrityin your little finger than he has altogether!!!

You say he finds it hard to come to the house and yet he doesn't take his stuff...meaning subsequent trips. Personally I'd take everything even if I had to ask friends to use their sheds/garages/lofts. He can't find it that hard. I think it's guilt that makes him cry...

Go mamma - spot on! Hope that makes you feel less anxious about the weekend what.

He is hoping to coerce you into coming out of the marriage with way, way less than you are entitled to but is not even budging a tiny bit to make the process of separating easier for you.

I cant comprehend ever being the person he is and having done what he has, hurting someone that much but if I had as mamma said I would be so eaten up with guilt and so desperate not to hurt you any more than I already had that taking a few bags of stuff wouldnt be a major reason for a confrontation. Plus any intelligent person would know that if you were trying to be sneaky and con someone out of what they were entitled to you would be way more to be successful if you were charming, cooperative and appeared to be being thoughtful.

We will all be routing for you Saturday you may be an absolute mess inside all you have to do is pretend not to be for the 30 minutes or so that you see him....remember...ARSE

My God, I think you are right. If he can't bear coming here then why leave so much here and say he'll have to make a few trips? It is control isn't it?!

Yes, he did say that we'll talk when I'm stronger and then when he saw I was, he said we don't need to sort anything out now and we'll talk in the new year and when I started legal proceedings, he said I didn't need to do that as we could have sorted it out ourselves in time.

I just don't see it sometimes!

One night after a complete week of lack of sleep, I got so angry that I took a pair of lycra cycling tights things and pulled them and stretched them so much in anger that they'll only fit an 8 foot tall man now! I'm not the swearing type but I swore so much while doing it and then went to sleep. That's all I've done though.

Im in a really ranty mood today. Just get so fed up of people treating other people so shittily (did I just make a word up?). Some people will just keep on taking the piss until you put a stop to it. Think it's hit a nerve cos you've worked so hard to he ok-ish whatnext we all know the struggle you've had/ are having and he's just being an arse... Not to our oldest whatnext mate!!! Do one!!
X

Thank you mamma xx

Oldest....meant lovely!!!! Haha...my typos get worse.

Keep hold of those cycling shorts...I may need them if I keep bursting out of these gold hot pants like these. Damn mince pies :)

How many women would have burnt every last solitary item?

One of my friends, whose husband left her and their two small boys put her husbands entire record collection out for the bin men - all the vinyl he had been collecting for over a decade...it touched him in a way that all their tears couldnt

I always laughed about the lady who left her husbands expensive wine on doorsteps like milk.

U know what. If he doesn't play ball...bagging that shit up will be worth hundred of pounds worth of therapy. If stretching one pair of shorts felt good, imagine what bagging it all up and dumping it all over his mums front drive would feel like

Love the wine on door steps story...being kind to others whilst hurting your husband....

I find cutting up clothes very therapeutic. ex's socks (silk, of course ) used to find their way back to mine through the kids. I took great pleasure in cutting them up. That lovely sound of a good pair of scissors cutting through fabric.

I am absolutely certain that if his clothes were still hanging around, I'd have cut them up too. I know it sounds crazy but what harm can it do. It doesn't hurt anybody, it's private. I found it a very therapeutic release, I was all calm afterwards.

Or is that too much (again)?

or you could lay it all out on the drive in front of the car

Springy I could hear those scissors when I read that...

Silk socks?!

If shittily isnt a word it should be

I have noticed what that while you dont want something he pushes and pushes for it but once you decide its what you want all of a sudden he doesnt - it must be some kind of control thing.

Im sorry what I know you loved him but any man who wears lycra cycling anything deserves to be single forever...I cant count the amount of times I am stuck in a country lane doing 2mph whilst muttering darkly and hatefully watching some guys lycra clad sweaty peach arse in front of me. Actually if im with DH we have a who is quickest with the electric windows fight - him opening them so he can shout "no mates get off the bloody road" & me closing them to keep him out of trouble

spring - not too much, but its a fine line between good revenge and slipping into crazy, I have been to crazy and luckily it was sorted before my ex bf ever knew about it. (felt good at the time though)

Now cycling shorts and silk socks...there's a title for your next thread...

Yeah...sod it, if crazy makes you feel better then go for it, I say. Had a friend who let down an exes tyres once...I may or may not have helped her :)

bluesky - I am laughing so much! Thank you!!!

I can't ride a bike myself, don't need to, I have a car.

I have to admit that I never found the tight lycra bib shorts remotely sexy, even with the padded backside.

hatefully watching some guys lycra clad sweaty peach arse in front of me

cycling shorts and silk socks - haha!

I honestly have never heard of silk socks. How would you wash them? If it's hand wash only then surely you'd never get them truly clean??

I think silk socks says a lot about a man. Twat. He would defo have illusions of grandeur.

Yeah..how would you get them properly clean?? Surely they can't be warm?