Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

I got a solicitor to draw up what I wanted( and some things I didn't so we could negotiate) Then when he'd had time to think of the options(Paying money out to solicitor or mediator) I emailed and said we should meet to thrash it out, I chose to go to his office so he couldn't 'play up' and he said he could fit me in for 30mins!
I went and stayed for over 2 hours. I was shaking and scared at the thought of seeing him and some friends at college advised that if he got angry treat him like an angry client and stay silent until he'd finished. I did and when he'd calmed down and I'd very quietly told him I needed to get this sorted as I wanted to move on and seeing how cross he still got I wasn't sure he'd finished with his love for me(He had tears when I said that)
I let him rant and we sorted it all out and I got what I wanted.!!!

Well done cjel.

I too drew up what I wanted in my solicitor's letter , with more so we could negotiate but, he has since seen a solicitor and has refused to answer any of the questions so mediation is my only option.

He can contact me again and again saying I didn't need to do this but then when my solicitor sends him a letter, he refuses to answer it. I think he's in for a shock with what he will be required to pay out. Like I said, I'm not a money grabber but I won't be played for a fool either.

Hi What,
It all sounds relentless and draining, you have been so strong applauds.

Sorry, but your h sounds like an utter ARSE!! How sad that he holds such blatant double standards in what he expects from you, but what he expects of himself.

Stay strong. Don't let him take you for a fool. You have many of us here willing you on x.

Thank you Zhx3 - it helps to have the support on here.

It is draining which is why I booked mediation for 2 months time so I can be stronger. He truly believes he has done nothing wrong and he's doing the right thing.

I hope when I see him next Saturday he looks awful. That's bad of me I know.

Darling

I'm so pleased you are taking legal advice and reading through the cracks. Net net there is a legal precedent for what is 'reasonable' (for both of you) -- and whilst he may not like it that is the case. My ex-H tried to play with my emotions in dangling carrot of possible reconciliation in front of me when negotiating (and in our case most of money mine so 'lost' out and not screwing him at all) but best foot forward is in taking what is 'usual' from professional expertise and leaving at that.

Please pay little attention to what he things is reasonable and pay attention to what your advise is. In this day and age we have moved on from the 60s when perhaps it was punitive for men and (IMHO) in a world where often women are penalised pension and continuity of earnings wise so head up, forge ahead and do what you feel is right (inc. mediation) btw I hope things are diff in UK -- where I am ex had field day with our/my saving son luxury holidays with OW and never saw a penny back....

hey ho x

From what I have heard from friends its not unusual for them to use the "we can still be friends/may reconcile/I cant take this pressure" as a carrot/inducement to get what they want. I think you need to be prepared for this - if at any point you feel yourself starting to waver and soften toward him then take a deep breath, walk into another room and recoup.

I have no idea what you should be entitled to but 2 years rent doesnt sound like much to walk out of the marriage with, my gut feeling is he is trying it on. If he really is the caring man he likes to think himself then he needs to supply your solicitor with the required information. I agree with the person who said the way to go is to ask for more than you want the negotiate down to what you are actually due.

I may have not contributed as much financially over the years H & I have been together but he now has a home worth money rather than a rather depressing house - im on the deeds so 50% would be mine...I have joked if he ran off with another woman it will be "the most expensive mistake you have ever made"

Thank you both x

bluesky - I will do that and take some time out to breathe and maintain my composure. After all, if he was as reasonable as he says he is, he would have answered my solicitor's questions, he didn't answer one! I think he is playing a game, trying to get me to feel sorry for him, after all, he knows how to push my buttons.

When he talks, it sounds like his mother is talking. The things he offers me and what he says his rights are, sound just like something his parents would say.

Next Saturday I will maintain my strength, walk out the room to gather myself when I need to and try to stay strong. I still hope he looks terrible though.

Me too. I hope he's hanging and his guts spill out

Bit much? Sorry if so.

I do think his reasons for talking directly, rather than via the solicitor, are manipulative - he thinks he will coerce you into accepting less in person - I would love to be wrong.

You have a week to practice sweeping bad thoughts out of your head and deep breathing if you get stressed you do sound much more in control...shame you have to be in this position but at least you are now strong enough to not let him walk all over you and take advantage.

Did you not get on with his parents?

I got on great with PIL but his DM changed towards me as soon as we got engaged. She has a strange relationship with him and I probably didn't see the signs before we got engaged but when I met her for the first time, she said that I took him away from her and now she would have to do all the cooking (my H loved cooking and was very good at it). She was horrible to me on my hen and kept her distance from me on our wedding day.

I got on very well with FIL but then he turned strange as well, too much of her influence. She is the same with my SIL. My H never backed me up when I felt MIL had gone too far. It was the only thing we ever argued about. She was very unsympathetic when we lost our 2 little ones. She's cold.

bluesky - you are right, he knows it will cost him less if it's not the legal route, he's actually told me this and said I will end up with nothing if I involve solicitors.

springy x

when we discussed money,H kept telling me that 'no court in the land would give me maintenance'(they would but I had no intention of being tied to him) and that he had no money- I pointed out the fine dining and constant weekends away and he said he wasn't doing it all, she had money. I responded very calmly 'well her X thought she was worth looking after then' he opened and shut his mouth like a goldfish!!
Stay calm and strong WHAT!!

It's horrible that it does come down to money. I've never been money orientated. It hurt when he constantly reminded me over 2 months that he has no obligation to me as "we have no kids". It was said with such venom and I will never forget the children we lost.

He can't be well.

Hi what your MIL sounds plain weird!

Plod on calmly with the finances. He's getting narky coz he probably doesn't want the extra hassle - what with him living by himself and having to do all his own shopping etc! He doesn't want to have to sit down and start negotiating as its 'difficult'. Well, he's going to have to swallow it. Tough.

Calm what , you're doing brilliantly

He's in self preservation mode.

You need to get in it to, and don't let the fact that you are not money orientated distract you.

You were together 12 years, you are married and it was an equal partnership (he was/is not more worthy) and by the same token, he has no kids either, so he doesn't need or deserve anything more than 50%.

2 years rent money.

He thinks he's doing you a favour there I think. He's a bloody arsehole.

I have posted before but nc.

Agree completely with enlighten.

Totally equal partnership. Nothing less than 50% each of everything.

I know you're not money orientated and it's awful that you have to be cynical and untrusting to somebody you were so in love with (and still love) but self preservation is the way forward for you. Don't let him rob you of the secure future you deserve.

Hope you're ok today whatnext
Xxx

Just been looking around for a quote on self preservation.

(Kids are at school/nursery, and I did the housework yesterday it's this or drink )

And found an absolutely brilliant one, that takes into account both your persona.

'Beauty should never lower it's guard around appetite' caroline Shay

That's perfect enlighten, thank you. I will remember about self preservation.

I'm glad I booked mediation for 2 month stime, it seems I still have a lot to learn and need to get tougher.

Thank you mamma, 3 hours sleep last night but feel okay today. Might crash and burn tomorrow but hopefully not. Couldn't get this all out of my head and the betrayal. Will try and focus on different things before Saturday to keep my mind occupied.

Is difficult having NC as he won't take all his flipping stuff. I'll tell him on Saturday it's got to go. If he's left - then LEAVE!

I think you would not be unreasonable to ask him to take all his stuff - so what he doesnt have room, boohoo not your problem

Can you pack it up for him this time, what?

It's hard what you can either pack it all up for him, saves him a job . Or you ask him to take it ALL next week and then have him faff about taking his time / not have anywhere to store it. The bottom line is he has moved himself out and needs to take his bumf with him. He isn't coming back so why leave you surrounded by his things? Coz he's not thinking of you, sorry hun. Didn't mean that to sound harsh.

I agree, the more I think about it, the more unreasonable he's being. I know he says that it's his house too and he can store things here but it's really not fair on me and my DS to be surrounded by it. There's even a huge cupboard that we can't get into because it's full of his tools. The clothes in the full wardrobe are just cruel. I might pack those up for him. I have a few bags that me and DS have sorted out (2 months ago)! He hasn't even looked at them and they are on his side of the bed - I need them out.

I will be firm on Saturday and tell him to take them to his parent's or his OW. Why should we be surrounded by it? He's tortured me enough. It's just because he can't bear to sort through it all - or can't be bothered but it's not good enough. He left almost 10 weeks ago!

He can take his stuff to his parents, to his OW or charity shop. If he hasn't needed it in the last 10 weeks (is it that long?) then does he really need it at all? Nope. It's tricky coz you are NC but he could do with having the heads up about a total clear out on Saturday. He can't keep popping up whenever he fancies coz it's churning for you (and takes up a valuable Saturday when you could be doing something FAR more glam).

We'll all be with you on Saturday, anyway .. looks around for hot pants and Pom poms get the hobnobs in

R&B - I just had to check and my God it will be 11 weeks this weekend.

I'll tell him when he's here, be better that way, I don't want any problems this week as need to stay strong (sadly I still hope he looks rubbish). Last time he was only here for 30 minutes anyway.

I'm out on Saturday night with my girls which is why I said for him to come this Saturday. Always good to have something planned after with people I love.

Do you think it would be better to tell him when he is there wont you get a knee jerk annoyed reaction from him and excuses that he didnt know that was what you wanted?

Just a suggestion but i'd go with a short, sharp email along the lines of "It would help massively if you could take all your possessions this time so that I can get the house ready for sale and move on with my life"

Its gonna keep setting you back if he swans in and out whenever he needs something, you are already sounding more tense again and its really not fair to you - he is being an ARSE (again!!!!) - he can store his stuff at his parents, OWs, big yellow storage or the local tip

You're right bluesky, I am tense. I think that's why I don't want to contact him this week. I was thinking I could tell him on Saturday and then even if he comes the next weekend to collect his things then that will be okay and that will be it then.

I'm probably tense as I don't know what to expect from him again, in manner and appearance - but then he doesn't know from me either.

I have something very sad happening on Friday, am sorry but can't go into detail on here but I am trying to focus on that but I am anxious about Saturday again. Actually, I can't keep doing this can I?! It's not good for me when I was doing well.