Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Thanks R&B. The pain is anxiety. It'll pass.

I've been out every weekend since H left and it's a lot of driving so I have decided not to visit family this weekend. If I need to, then I can pop and see a friend, am not in a great frame of mind at the moment though.

It hasn't helped as I checked up on something, not FB, I'm still off that. Just that I know he's buying things to create memories he's had with OW, it's things that we used to buy to remember our special places. I only looked as I was keeping an eye on his spending as he's a liar and I don't trust him to declare everything in mediation. It's like he's having the same relationship with her as he did with me.

Hi what. It's probably a good thing to have a weekend at home, on your own. It's another thing to conquer and overcome - and you will! Weekends can be difficult - but they just need 'reframing'.

Just make a small list:....make some cakes/shortbread...e mail a friend...read the weekend papers...do a little Christmas shopping...write some Christmas cards [yes I know it's a bit early, but then it's done...look for a pressie for BIL's baby...try a new recipe...go for a long walk if it's sunny...sort out cupboards...maybe bag up some of H's clothes/stuff if it makes you feel better...go to the cinema on your own...ask a friend round...and treat yourself! You wont know where the time went!

The worst thing is just floating around with no plan, wondering what to do. Just know you are going to win this and not give your precious time and thoughts away to someone who has hurt you so much. However if you have a tear or two that's fine too. Weekend are for processing the past week and recharging, however we do it.

I think the chest pain is anxiety as you say. I hope you feel better tomorrow, buy yourself some more flowers, you certainly deserve them. Take care of yourself. X

Hey whatnext....
Sorry to hear you've had a low few days.

The commenting in your weight thing is so annoying!! I remember being stressed over break up, dd2 teething and still b feeding, toddler dd being up every few hours, early dash to nursery, pushing double buggy up a big hill jumping on the bus, finally bursting through the doors of work like a loony as I was late and some ARSE saying "oooh, you ok? You look really tired. Are you?".....wanted to sink to my knees and scream "f-ing tired????? F-ing tired?????? Aaaarrrghhhhh". Just don't know why people think they can comment in somebody else's appearance?! Rude!!! How's work going generally. Has your manager backed off a bit?

A weekend at home, pottering won't be a bad thing. You prob need to have some down time. You can snooze when you like and maybe rejuvenate a bit. Online shipping for Xmas pressies might be a good plan. Maybe do some rearranging of things indoors- change your bedro round, but some new bed linen and pretty cushions. It's going to be freezing outside anyway this weekend so think indoors is the best place.

Your description of your time on the early days if leaving ds 's dad sounds awful. You've been to rock bottom
Before whatnext...you're a survivor. The financial thing- you are in no way a money grabber to get every penny you're entitled to. You d worked your arse off to come back from nothing and it would be a travesty of your future financial security was damaged by this arse of a man and his actions.

I know it hurts that he is doing the same things with her as he did with you. However, think how pathetic it is that the ow has the same things from him/ does same things for her as you He did with you. Urgh.

You are unrecognisable from that Saturday night. You are totally different from the whatnext t who posted last time he collected things...you are awesome. Your lovely, kind character and good nature permeates from your posts and that is why you have so many of us are rooting you on. We are with you every step whatnext.

Hugs,
Xx
and or a to start the weekend.

Hugs to you too r and b. the counselling sounds gruelling.

xx

Thank you - you've reminded me, I will buy some more flowers.

I will do some sorting out of the house, might help my frame of mind.

My H's texts have been of a really nice, polite tone. He's text me tonight as well, I haven't replied.

Your lovely, kind character and good nature permeates from your posts and that is why you have so many of us are rooting you on. We are with you every step whatnext.

Thank you for your lovely, kind words about me xx

You've done well not to reply...it won't help you.

I meant every word. You're doing yourself proud my lovely.

X ps- yes yes to the flowers :) always make a home look lovely I think

Last time I bought myself a huge bunch of flowers, it really lifted my mood. Just lovely to see them every day. I'd recommend it to anyone, so glad bluebird reminded me.

The bigger the better...enough to split into two bunches...that's what I do! Half in the hall and half in the living room...I'm going to treat myself tomorrow too :) x

Hi what. Your h is still texting? What about? And do you reply, like you haven't got enough to think about.

Hope your anxiety has dropped a little - I see you are off out to buy flowers tomorrow. Whoop!

mama is right (of course) you are a lovely kind person. Bloody strong and capable too. Ab Fab !

Hi what x how are you doing today? Thinking of you xx

Pain in my chest has gone thank goodness.

I sent him some post (he still hasn't/won't redirect his mail). I also put some photos in that I found of his family (I was in them too) but I felt it was his decision to keep them. He text to say he really appreciates the photos and also to ask me about the cost of mediation. It was in the letter that he received so don't know why he had to ask me.

I just get the odd text but I haven't replied.

I think he's being polite to keep me sweet so I don't file for divorce at the moment as he probably knows he can be asked to pay my legal costs. I'm not stupid.

Thank you for messages xx

You're right about him wanting to keep you sweet. Just remember you need to do what keeps you happy.
Can't advise too much as I am at a loss what to do most of time!
Enjoy your day. Have you been busy doing nothing?! X

Yes mrscraig, I haven't done much today but will do some housework soon with music playing loud.

How are things with you? Do you have a thread?x

Its sad that it is necessary what but it is good to see you becoming wiser to his ulterior motives.

No I don't have a recent thread. But am ok.
I can only do housework with music playing!
I echo last post about how you are beginning to see the true him and not the person you thought you knew. That is more progress x

Yes, sadly I have stopped trying to work out if there is any glimmer of him being 'nice' because he cares about me. I learnt that through conversations when he sobs but only talks about how this has impacted him and how I have no idea of the pain I'm in. It's all about him and he mentions money a lot about how we could've sorted it all out rather than involving solicitors. It is all about his money and also about how he feels. Does he think I'm stupid to believe his sad manipulation?

*pain he's in...

He's text me again saying £* is too much for mediation!! Perhaps he can afford it if he stops paying for lavish hotels for him and OW!!!

He probably doesn't even realise that any money he spends on OW gets taken into account as I'm his wife and our money should still be for each other until this is sorted. I won't tell him that though as he'll just find another way to pay for these things underhand.

I have just replied to his questions saying it's all in the solicitor's letter. Why question me?!

I'm so sorry he's being such am utter shit. I think when money is involved you really see their true selves.
Just keep your eye on the ball lovely. You will get the through this. He truly doesn't deserve you and you certainly are better off without this poison in your life.
Try not to respond to him. I know it's bloody hard but it seems he wants it all on his terms and is struggling to let you out of his clutches. What a fuckwit. As soooooo many others have said you are an amazing, genuine person who radiates loveliness xx

Thank you mrscraig. You are right for me not to reply but on occasions, it's relentless and after not replying for days, he sends one saying please respond to my texts. It's like he's bored or something. I just sent, it's all in the solicitor letter and he hasn't replied so I think that will be it. I'm not engaging in any details with him.

Thank you for your kind words xx

You are too kind, he sounds horrible (but then I guess how can you get worse than the night you were suicidal and he wouldnt speak to you) what a self centered ARSE.

He made the decision to go this route - how telling that the only thing to get him communicating with you is £££££

You were way too good for him

I am concerned that he will try to bully you next week do you have a plan for when you see him?

He seems to feel you have some obligation to respond to his communications - I think its quite acceptable for you to ignore if you want and in fact if he keeps bullying you id be tempted to block him (but then im not as nice as you)

Just a quick note - I think that mediation is the cheap option! If you can't agree their then you do it through solicitors and full disclosure, so it'll be more of a shock if he doesn't want to do that.

Don't allow him to throw you from the path you are making for yourselfx

I think hes hoping to negoiate a deal between themselves, hence now communicating and playing nice - sounds like you have your head screwed on over this though what.

You're right bluesky - but what he keeps saying he'll offer me isn't enough for me to start again. He says it will pay for rent for me for a couple of years and that's enough.

I've invested 11 years of my life with a man who I thought I'd grow old with, we own our own home and he thinks he's doing the right thing (as he says) by offering me money to pay rent for 2 years! Sadly, in these circumstances it does come down to money and he thinks I have no rights as we have no DCs together, he's wrong.

Yes cjel I agree, mediation is the cheaper option - for now x