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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 21/11/2013 21:23

By the way, I'm not money grabbing at all, never have been. I just need to secure my financial future for a while.

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 21/11/2013 21:50

Yes what he will need to declare his finances in mediation and the same figures can then be transferred to form E so that saves a bit of legal time and the information on form E has to be legally correct.

I agree,that you should post in the legal boards because forewarned is forearmed.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 21/11/2013 21:58

We've both been given a Form E (mine's in draft). He should declare everything but he can't be trusted. Thanks, I might post in the legal forum.

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 21/11/2013 22:07

I agree get yourself onto legal and find out what you need to be asking him.

Nothing vulgar in talking about money...unless you are bragging how much you have.

So your manger, both solicitors and your husband are all ARSES....say LOUD it I am sure it will make you feel better Wink 5K?????? (thud as I hit the floor!)

cjel · 21/11/2013 22:07

I had to remind mine that he hadn't signed settlement agreement couple of weeks ago and After 2 years he did, but as is his way to have to have control, he said he'd like to procede with divorce and offered to pay half!!! I have covered every cost up till including some house sale costs I have got solicitor to reply that I am not in a position to cover any divorce costs. I think its about another 800 just for that. Its a rip off in a way.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 21/11/2013 22:11

My PIL are ARSES too!

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 21/11/2013 22:16

Now wasnt that therapeutic Grin

whyme32 · 21/11/2013 22:17

hi what,

I have been lurking on your threads since day 1 and can't believe how strong you have become since the start. You really are an inspiration to so many of us going through similar crap. There are regular points in my day where I think to myself 'If whatnext can do this, so can I'. You will come out of this legal shit the other side, just as you have done every other obstacle that has been thrown at you. You are brilliant x x x

redundantandbitter · 21/11/2013 22:28

springyticky wow I am SOOO impressed. My DM was fleeced by my D in her divorce settle by and her a d 4 Dc's (me included) lived in poverty. She still has a maintenance agreement for .... Wait for it.... 5p a year. Yes, five whole pence a year. She could have done with you on her team!!!

what I am loving the use of ARSE !

redundantandbitter · 21/11/2013 22:30

Seemed to have the ability to spell and type coherent sentences Hmm

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 21/11/2013 22:41

bluesky - yes it was and when my manager is being an arse, I just smile and remember that she is an arse - it helps.

whyme32 - I have had the most supportive advice on here and I take everything on board. I have to say out of all the posts, yours has been the most touching and I am humbled by what you have said xx

When I left my DS's violent Dad, I didn't take anything and was given tins of food by a church (before foodbanks), They all had white labels on and I didn't know if they were peaches or meat, I took 3 jobs, worked my way up, passed my driving test, bought a car when I got my first full time job - it was hard but I did it. When I was rock bottom, my DS was so worried about me. I told him he has a superhero as a Mum and this time it's just taking me a little while longer to get there. I know it will continue to be hard but I have to carry on. I certainly have my bad days but I will try anything to get back to me.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 21/11/2013 23:02

Oh what ...peaches or meat Sad. You have done bloody BRILLIANTLY. I feel like going round to your ex h's 'room' and giving him a reet good kick up the backside. Ooh .. Can I can I ?? He's an ARSE.

I think superhero should be your new name, or ARSE .. So much to choose from.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 21/11/2013 23:13

I don't like peaches now - or tinned meat! Was grateful at the time. People are so kind and there's always someone who will help. I've been so down for 2 days and you have all helped me once again.

Think it set me back today as I mentioned I couldn't get warm today at work and a colleague said that she's not surprised as I'm 'wasting away'. She carried on saying how 'skinny' I had become (hate that word) and even involved someone else into her analysis to agree with her. I was upset but then I just thought to myself that she doesn't know the reason and I'm not going to justify it and made my excuses and walked away. I would never comment on someone's weight - unless I knew they were on a diet.

OP posts:
cjel · 21/11/2013 23:25

Hate that when you start to feel bit better and someone says something like are you ok you look /tired/skinny/fed up.

Nothing like having supportive people around you to cheer you up!!!! Remember that saying 'I may be skinny now but you will always be a n ARSE'

Don't let the ARSES get you downxx

skyeskyeskye · 21/11/2013 23:25

The heartbreak diet is the best but not one I would recommend to anyone :(

They are probably jealous but would be horrified if they knew the truth.

As you say, you have been through worse and come through it. It's not easy but you keep plodding on. One day you will realise that you haven't given him a second thought.

Regarding g finances, make sure that you write down everything that you think he has, savings etc, so that you can dispute it if he doesn't declare them. Pensions, savings, life insurance, loans, anything you know of at the time that he left.

I can't believe how horrendous the legal fees are! It's one of the reasons that I divorced XH so quickly because I qualified for legal aid. They changed the rules this year do you only qualify in you are in a DV relationship. (I think). So I had to divorce him before the legal aid ended! Plus I knew he'd get into debt so needed to sever all ties with him.

You are doing so well, but it will all be up a d down for a while.

redundantandbitter · 21/11/2013 23:36

Hey what I know JUST how you feel. I have been there twice now. an acquaintance once made such a fuss about weight loss that I simply said 'heartbreak diet' and it stopped her in her tracks.

My boss is constantly trying to Lose weight (stop eating the crisps then) and keeps asking me how much I've lost (a stone). The way I see it, whatnext, is that I will eventually want to crack open the tin of Roses stashed in the cellar. And it'll be fine.., come round to mine and we'll eat them together! Another sherry, what

cjel · 21/11/2013 23:38

Two years on and I've gone up to about half a stone bigger than I'd like to be, I should get more stress in my lifeSmile or less chocolateSad

springyticky · 22/11/2013 01:27

Nooooo don't ask for more stress cjel!!

I wasn't boasting about winning that case btw! Well, I was, but not about my prowess! Frankly, if I could do it, anybody could. Its just a case of plodding your way through it, it works like clockwork. I was no big shakes, just followed the rules (I had no choice. I couldn't afford a lawyer and couldn't get legal aid because I'd used it all up with ex's endless litigation - a form of abuse, now recognised.) The rules really aren't that complicated in family law.

Hope you sleep well tonight, What.

cjel · 22/11/2013 10:11

OK springy I won't, Maybe less stress and less cakeSmile

Morning WHAT, Hope you managed to switch off your mind a bit last nightx

BlueSkySunnyDay · 22/11/2013 12:15

less stress and less cake I would say amen to say but I love cake Grin

cjel · 22/11/2013 12:49

just going out to meet a friend and Cake will be involvedGrin

BlueSkySunnyDay · 22/11/2013 12:53

Salad just not as enjoyable Grin

redundantandbitter · 22/11/2013 12:58

Cake and salad sound more enjoyable than plodding through full paperwork in my local police station. Yawn. A friend has asked me to the cinema tonight. Whoop

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 22/11/2013 13:06

Still not feeling great today. For the first time since H left, I haven't got anything planned for this weekend and my DS is away. I do have lots of things I could/should be doing round the house.

I have a pain in my chest today, had it since I woke up and it's still there and worse when I breathe in. I was doing well and even felt a little bit happy at times but I feel sad again and the pain in my chest isn't helping.

I am anxious about next Saturday and it's a week away! Not good to even be thinking about that now but I have said we'll talk and now I can't think, I really don't know what to talk about.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 22/11/2013 14:34

Hey what - snap! I didn't have anything planned this weekend and my DDs at their d's. tomorrow is a whole day of Xmas shopping and Sunday I am
Volunteering . Is there someone you can visit - BIL's new baby? Or a friend that might meet for lunch? I would call round but its a long way for a brew ! Sorry to hear about your pain in the chest- what do you think it is?

I had counselling today and it always churns me up - sometimes helpful but not really today. Feels like we are going round in circles. When she says 'what do you want?' I reply I want him back. Doh, I find it so hard to accept he's gone. What's the news on counselling for yourself?

Worry about next week , next week . Have yourself a lovely weekend first x