Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

I dont know what - from what you say he has been so deliberately hurtful, personally I think however much I loved someone I would always be expecting them to behave that way again.

I agree with your sister, some relationships do get stronger after something like this but from the friends I have made on here to me the people who have eventually thrived the best have been the ones where the relationships have ended - staying together seems a much harder route to take.

I really do think him keeping his clothes at the marital home is his way of keeping a foot in both camps and controlling the situation, all this coming and going to collect bits and bobs must be very unsettling for you.

You're doing well though

mamma - that was a bit subtle for me, got it now, what a strange thing to do

I'll pm you......

for you OP doing so well. X

See, I think he bangs on about not loving you because that is the central pin, in his drama, to why he left. That's his story and he's sticking to it. But its not true.

I think he also hasn't moved in with the OW because how would that look? He's all about how things look. So he looks forlorn and beats himself with a whip by staying in a single room at his parents. The poor man is really going through it, can't everyone see? All show.

But, as is so often the case with self-deception, he truly believes his story now. Everything is vested in it - his reputation, his future. He has to walk away from this feeling good about himself, and, to that end, he's making sure that everyone hears the true story (with attendant beating of breast) so they will grudgingly say ah, we see now, the poor man was unhappy but how could he let down his dear wife? The wool pulled over their eyes, basically.

I agree springy. Also, if he moves in with OW within 6 months then that has an impact legally on how things progress in my favour. My solicitor has asked the question and it is on the financial forms. Don't even know if he's still with her.

He does believe his story, totally and is spending time on damage limitation by trying to convince the few people he knows that his life was awful with me. The most laughable one being that he was bored of going to the supermarket at the weekend and that was one of the reasons for leaving me - the most hurtful was that he couldn't deal with the ongoing drama of the babies that were lost as 'he wasn't brought up that way to have constant dramas'.

Is anyone bought up to have that kind of drama - did you not say a similar thing had happened in his family too recently...that is such a lame justification.

A strong person would just say "do you know what, I am really unhappy and want to separate" not be mean and spiteful then hide behind the skirts of another woman and his parents. sorry I do try not to be too scathing of him as I know you must still feel torn

Im bored of going to the supermarket - actually I rarely go as I get it delivered now (worth every penny!) I get stabby and whingey when people are dithering about in there plus I end up buying crap I really dont need.

I remember the supermarket comment. How flipping LAME is that? He's a grown man FFS. Shop = eat. Nothing stopping him from setting up an online shopping account, ordering it and getting it delivered on Saturday without even having to get dressed and leave the house. Oh no, easier to tell you it's one of the reasons he's 'unhappy'. Honestly, I hope you remember that comment when he's moaning down the phone at you (hopefully not soon). He'll be doing his own shopping now. Sorry for the rant what and sorry he can't be mature enough to support you and your losses.

You're doing brilliantly by the way. Isn't it time we all got out hot pants out again?

Yes, both his DB and my DB lost young babies. He couldn't deal with that either and I don't feel he ever grieved properly. That's not a criticism of him as it was/is hard to mourn the loss of babies but don't throw it in your DW's face when you are lying about sleeping with OW.

He used to do an online delivery and then stopped, probably so he could use it as a reason to go.

Silly man, lost everything important, so uneccessary (sp).

Think you summed him up what - silly man. It's so frigging sad to stand by (all dignified and strong - grr i hate that)
and watch them Make an arse of themselves while surrendering good stable loving relationships for ..what? It will all come back to bite him on the bum .. You watch.

Goodnight . Hope you sleep well

I think it already has R&B.......

I think his inability to deal with the emotions of what has happened are probably the cause of all this. The same thing that made him unable to deal with these losses is the same thing that propels him to blame you for his failings, he is emotionally constipated and weak.

He didnt go through that alone, you all went through it - including your DS who he has now let down too.

Like you say silly man - I do think he will live to regret this when he makes it out the other side.

oh I DO HOPE SO.

How cruel to pick out the minutiae of your life together, using it as examples of how 'unhappy' he was. supermarket shopping indeed . But then, you already know he is cruel.

I wasn't brought up to have dramas, either - is anybody? That suggests good things happen to good, organised, sensible people, and most adults know that's not the case. I'm sure my neighbour wasn't brought up to lose her husband suddenly in an accident a few weeks ago, either. He was good, she is good - what happened there then?

oooh I could say so much more. Believe it or not, I do hold back lol. I'm sure you'll say it all yourself in due course, What.

Marvellous What

Sounds like you husband is having a breakdown, pretty much the behaviour of my husband. There's nothing you can do for him until he hits the bottom and offers up the hand for help, if you feel you can or want to.

The important thing I was always told is to put yourself first. As a person who is so used to putting everyone else first, as you seem to be too, it's difficult but try.

Whatnext074 if he truly wanted to move on, by now he'd have taken all his clothes from the home. He wouldnt be still offering rubbish explanations through his tears. He wouldnt feel a need to attempt to justify what he's done. He has someone else, yet he can't categorically move on from you. That says a lot.

When we lose something good, deep down we know it..no matter how much we may bluster. He should have known who and what he had. Food for thought, re. the cruelty and derision you suffered. Yes its extremely hard to come back from that - how on earth would you ever forget, or trust him again? Anyway, his loss and his pain is still to come..you are bound to get fed up of it all eventually. The grass is greener expectation has come crashing down around his ears. His fault, his problem. He can get on with it, or whinge to the OW who he gave up so much for, yet it doesnt sound as if it was worth it on his part, so confusion reigns. He may be out there trying to convince people with his sob story, but I can bet he isnt fooling everyone at all.

As other posters have said, make sure you put yourself first. After all thats what your H did...however, YOU are the one with sense

Hello What

How well you are doing what really. And under such confusing circumstances. To make you smile a good friend of mine's ex (years ago now) left for OW and in counselling before they split for good, the only thing he could pinpoint about her that annoyed him was that she banged on the side of tube trains to get peoples attention to ask them to move down. Like supermarkets, you couldn't make it up/add it to film script as ludicrous.

As others have said, it does sound a little like he is hedging his bets. Spinning the story of a hellish marriage in case it does work out with OW (to justify) and presenting his distraught at it all face I'm crumbling and breaking down with strain of it all to you in case it doesn't work (to justify). He may not be doing this consciously but he is certainly looking out for number one as far as I can read it in which case whatever you might do if he did want to come back -- you need to do the same. Look after number one in all its facets- physically, emotionally and financially. Of course your world has spun of its axis and you are desperately trying to find your balance again, but honestly, from when your first thread began you have made such tremendous and admirable inroads into this that you should be inordinately proud of yourself.

Hope your Wednesday is a good one x

Feeling really low and can't seem to shake it off.

I had a response from my H's solicitor and basically it says that he has no obligation to answer any of the questions I asked about finances and whether he intends to move in with OW (which as I said before, impacts legally on a settlement). It's all like a game and I hate it.

My solicitor won't answer anymore of my questions unless I pay £250 as she has sent the letter (which I feel has been a waste of time and money) and so her part has ended unless I instruct her and pay her further.

We have mediation to sort out finances but he gave me so many dates he can't do - apparently as he's travelling with work - so I've booked it for January. In a way, I wanted it to be a little while away so I can be even stronger but now I feel in limbo as he's still not answering my solicitor's questions.

I hate this feeling. It feels like I'm at school and having a row in the playground but it's my marriage. He's hurt me enough! Why can't he just do the right thing after the pain he's caused and then sobbing to me that his life is awful and he will kill himself. It's not fair, I don't deserve this.

Sorry to hear you're having a down day. It's bound to happen, you can't suddenly be at peace overnight. Keep going x remember how far you've already come. Two steps forward ...

Also, you don't deserve this. The enormous sense if injustice can feel overwhelming. I saw my counsellor today who tried to help me see that projecting it back on yourself is not the way forward. But it's really hard to not feel bloody hard done by and utterly inadequate. The sense of inadequacy can be debilitating. But I know, I KNOW, I am NOT the inadequate one and I am looking forward to the day I truly truly believe this.
I don't know if that helpful, I just wanted to squeeze your hand and let you know your feelings are entirely valid and I think you're blimmin amazing x

Hi what, sorry to hear you're fed up. You have asked your questions but you can't make him answer, unfortunately.

But, least its done and you have mediation to come in January. Leaves you plenty of time to think through finances and start to feel stronger.

What have you got planned for this evening?

I could complain with you about legal fees. two hundred and fifty quid for a letter!!! . I wouldn't mind charging that sort of ridiculous money for what I do, frankly.

Some people could suggest (naming no names) that you get signed off by your GP, leave the job you hate, go on ESA. Those same people could tell you that your mortgage will be paid and, yes, times will be tight, but you'd qualify for legal aid.

I feel your powerlessness - no wonder you feel down. I could spit with you - truly absurd that access to legal representation is as prohibitively expensive ffs. Sorry, said that already. When I was faced with an eye-wateringly wealthy ex who ran rings around me with his central london team of lawyers (while I was living on an extremely low income with our children), I did most of the legal stuff myself. Saw a barrister now and then to get some advice and to check I was on the right track. You could try Rights of Women who offer free legal advice. You could also give Womens Aid a call to get some legal pointers (yy it is predominantly a domestic abuse support service but the clue is in the name: you're a woman and you need aid.) If you're not at work you'd have time to gen up. Just a thought. There's a poster called olgaga on MN who is a mine of legal info. The legal board on MN is pretty good, too.

Comes to something when you have to do the legal stuff yourself, like having to rewire your own house. Still, it can be done and it's not all that complicated in the family courts. tbh I'm sure rewiring a house isn't that complicated (corgi cert notwithstanding).

Try not to be squashed by this. It's vile vile vile of him to do this, I'm so sorry.

btw I won (yay!)

(If I could just glory in that win a bit: it was so funny to see all his team - and vile him - poncing about, against just me! I did quake a bit but, no matter, I won. yay!)

I always found I was upset when I'd had this sort of 'contact'. It will lift again 'WHAT' it really will(((hugs))) The being out of control is hard. Try and regain some control by deciding what you can do, maybe work towards getting the house done up and 'dressed' to sell by the time you go to mediation. Maybe get it valued ready or even tell him you want to market it. You can also get full disclosure of all his finances when you fike for divorce if mediation doesn't sort it.

Try not to worry about the process, it will happen in good time and you can go through it worried or unworried but the result will happen just the same.
Its ok to have low days they will end.

Just wallow tonight and get some restxx

I know it's a bit vulgar to talk money but as this is anonymous, the letter was £120 and if I want to have a few emails with my solicitor now it's an additional £250. If I go for full disclosure of his money (which I probably will have to do) it's £5k.

springy - I'm glad it worked out for you. My H has been saying through his sobs, that he will do the right thing by me - I read that as the right thing for him, give me a bit of money and then have a clear conscience to play his new game.

He is coming next Saturday to collect some stuff, I have asked if he will talk to me about a few things before mediation and he said he would. It was a strange text as in the past I've got, "fine", or "it's too emotional and we'll talk next year". He said "I didn't think you would talk to me but sure, that will be good" - I just don't know what to expect anymore.

Anyway, now I don't know what to talk about. I really can't think of anything.