Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I have decided to write my letter of resignation lol. I know I may not have the balls to give it to his majesty but I've never got this far before.

See a solicitor and send it to a court instead?

Maybe, I have to see solicitors on 6th anyway, will see how brave I feel xx thanks

You could be getting a list of possible unreasonable behaviours together, maybe. I found this easy, I just watched FW for a bit, and wrote down stuff as it occured (plus some things it reminded me of).

Oh my God, horse, 'obstruction'!!! Yes, yes, yes!!! That is what he did to my renovating progress, my career, parenting, in so many little ways. And one of the things I may be realising (finally) is that he is also doing it to the legal process, thereby costing me lots of money and stress, so I've still not really left and got on with my own life. He is still draining my energy and I need to stop letting him.

Right, clutter. red, I am smiling at your student with his own toolbox. I need a student with a skip. I think, to be fair, the last half of the year, I really had to concentrate on professional stuff, and I now have a bit more time to get back to it. You are right about detaching emotionally from it, my dominant feeling is really anger about the mess I have been left with, which is draining and does not achieve anything. Whereas it will now be quiet kicks the clutter in to touch.

blue, after we split, I noticed in any longer conversation with FW that every other sentence was negative. It is very draining. My mother is like this too. I'm glad you have a bit of a respite today.

Final point on the routine thing, it was more the fact that it had to be imposed on everyone else around him too. It was really obvious to me one time when we were visiting and our host was sorting the meal (perfectly nicely) and he started interfering and adding stuff on to the table, so it could be just how he would normally have it at home. It wasn't 'can I help you?', it was 'sort it as I wish'. And at that point, it was really obvious to me that he would assert his wishes, regardless if it was somewhat impolite, or what the other person felt.

Sorry, was on previous page, good luck to you daisee, I think sparkly is right, do what is easiest for you, and gives you the most sense of strength in the situation. If you are seeing a solicitor anyway, it may be as well to give in the letter of resignation from a position of knowledge about your legal position (if this is your first visit) and a plan of action which has been discussed. Whatever works for you.

Re the table thing whilst out, that's so my DH. He is constantly complaining how he hates to be 'organised' by either my family or friends, to such an extent that if someone suggests going out for a walk (they never do organise like he makes out) he will try and organise something else. It's exhausting as I end up trying to please both him and whoever we are with. Which is impossible because he will always want to do something different. I sometimes think he's just being awkward so I don't arrange to spend time with my fiends. He likes to think of himself as a free spirit, but in reality I think he doesn't like being organised because someone else is in control. Funnily enough he's always organising his family and friends.

And so he sat in bed with me for a while, shiftily, me being wary, he doesn't say much so I talk about how we should still get the home improvement loan as it will free up some cash for moving. Then moved closer to the separation subject. He is still silent. I say nothing will change, I showed thean example - he had brought up the basket of laundry. He had stuffed it into the basket and I mentioned this is one of the things I have been saying for years, don't stuff the laundry and he still doesn't get it. Then I get the tirade of how 'none of my colleagues at work do their own laundry' (I stopped doing his years ago because he refused to co-operate with the very simple basic system). Said I wasn't a proper wife, etc etc. 30 minutes later I was actually banging my head against the wall. He's conditionally apologetic.

Then I read something to do with not allowing someone to explain what's wrong is violating their basic rights and felt a little better. Time to go and get my benefits sorted out and look for alternative accommodation.

blue I'm a bit of an organiser but only in certain circumstances - when people really haven't got a clue (frequently children or teens) or when in my own home and other people expect it.

In the quiet coach- Why do they pretend they cant remember? or does my husband really forget things that quickly? I said i wanted to take my daughter in as her astma was playing up we didnt know it was astma then i prefer to take her i had our newborn at the time i know its not great to take a baby to hosp when its not needed but i was bbreastfeeding and i didnt want him to go on his own as i have to say whats wrong i gues.. anyway he said " your putting both our kids in danger taking him in" then after the argument he said he didnt say that and started explaining something completly different to how it happened. or when i ask him something once and he snaps at me as if i have asked a 100 times and i say i only asked you once he said oh i thought you asked me loasds of times?

daisie - im sorry your partner is like that.. what does "fw" mean. do you just put up with it? i have no plans of leaving .. sad i know! . i caant even blame drink as he doesnt drink really.

also i dont know how to keep up with threads etc.. sorry if i miissed soomeones reply

I dream about having someone who loves me like he says he does, but actualy acts like he does.. not just say he loves me. i want to feel the flutter you feel when you love someone, the feeling like you want to be with them all the time..
not how i feel.. i couldnt caare less when he gets home from work.. unless its to help with the evening routine :(
it remeinds me when i was a kid.. i used to love my dad saying he would be out late :( so i wouldnt get punnished.. i didnt love my dad because he put me through so much and beat me up.. and i thought id never go through that again.. but now id rather he beat me up then messed with my head like he does on a daily bases. i am so confused..

If anyone can pm me for a chat that would b great as its hard talking about it when i know anyone can acess this

Dreaming you are with this man largely because of the abuse your father gave out to you. You need to read up about this, but abusive men seek out (whether consciously or subconsciously) victims who will not object to their behaviour. It is likely that you have displayed vulnerability to him, subconsciously, and this is why you are together. I can't pm you now but will try later when I have time. If you are concerned about him seeing this, post via 'incognito window' on google.

I learned this stuff from the Beverley Engels book mentioned on the first page.

So he's just brought me his favourite snack with coffee. He's really trying but just can't put me first even when he knows it's make or break.

Horse, i dont think thats it though see this is why this why im not sure if its abuse or hes just having a hard time. because i dont look vulnerable. or act vulnerable. everyone sees me as this loud bossy confident girl. also he genuinly doesnt mean to talk to me the way he did and i know if this is abuse its not something pre medidated like that. his ex gf used to beat him up so theres no way he is putting me through this on purpose , and im not concerned about him seeing this because i have told him how i feel. he wouldnt care less to be honest.. i doesnt care about anything everythiing is " i duno whatever" it confuses me why when hes at work he texts hi hunni love you sweetie etc. then when he gets home he acts like i am this annoying spot on his face he cant get rid of. sometimes i wish i could run away. but i wouldnt do that. i am thijnking that maybe its my post natel depression? making me think its worse than it is? but im confused more because. i always tell everyone how perfect he is.. but why? i dont now why i do it? the other day i got up and left and went for a drive as i kept asking him something and he wouldnt answer me and i kept saying am i not worth an answer. and he just wouldnt listen. and kept interupting. and said some mean things. he rang my mum as he said he was worried. and then i told my mum it was all my fault ii was talking to him when hes tired. etc. :( everythings my fault all the freaken time and i am sick of it. i look at him and think i hate him sometimes. i depended on him so much to do everything . but now i realised he does like it and he admited he likes me depending on him. now i told him i dont depend on you anymore. and he didnt seem pleased. but i am trying to do everything on my own. so i know i can manage without him. i know i wont leave him.. but i can just ignore him if itry.

i had 'post natal depression' after my 2nd.
he told me I was a dick for going on anti-depressants and ridiculed me for seeking help.
I was not depressed, he was just a massively un-supportive selfish prick.
but, yours could be different.....hugs to you xx

Has anyone had the world end for touching onpast incidents accidentaly or being percieved as doing so. In other words has anyone experienced p being upset for being reminded of something p did. V confusing

Shallowkitty, I have! Yesterday, I mentioned that him calling me a "silly little cow" on Xmas eve for no reason when I was mid present wrap had hurt my feelings. This resulted in a telling off for bringing stuff up going on etc. what a dick it seems to me that whenever something is going well for me, or I am happy, he like to take a huge smelly dump on it to take the shine off. I will try and imagine that next time he's being a dick.

You're not alone xx

Apparently talk of the incident is hurtful to him and not forgiving. Actually I didn't mention the incident I just muttered I already knew how to complete a task have been nagged about it so many times.occassinaly I forget and burn the food. He gaslighted his own end to my sentence making it that I referred to incident. He belives his own lie. Gah ! How can someone be mad for something they did. Its bamboozled me. How can u rationalise with this.I'm sorry I reminded u wot u did? I'm sorry u did that ill advised thing. Tryign to be vague as apparently I get al mi ideers off mn

Is there a book with these little speeches in? Fw here said exactly the same. I had apparently accepted his apologies and it should therefore end. Er... No actually I kept my trap shut because my feelings were less important at that point than our kids Christmas even though he was clearly gagging for a massive shout. out of all his fuckwittery, the ability to spoil special events for our kids is The Worst

Oh yes it is all in the FW manual of twuntery.
You get over things when they say so yet they get to bring up the same thing forever.

whatever happened is what they say happened not what actually happened.

If you do something wrong you will be blamed
if they do something wrong you will be blamed and if someone else does something there is a fair chance you get the blame for that.
if no one has done anything wrong they will make something up or else bring up a past incident (see rule above)

For a FW a relationship is war. and every discussion a battle which they are determined to win.

Unfortunately they will not change and the only way not to lose the war is to leave the field of battle and walk away.

dreaming your post is heatbreaking, perhaps start your own thread under relaionships? There are a lot of links here that will help, have you read any of them, or any books about EA?

ok sorry horse :) I already did.. just wanted to speak to other women in similer situation..

^For a FW a relationship is war. and every discussion a battle which they are determined to win.

Unfortunately they will not change and the only way not to lose the war is to leave the field of battle and walk away.^

Yes, and then they will try to continue the war by all sorts of means, alternating kindness, pleading, hostility and harrassment, and your only recourse is not to engage. At all. Ever. Beyond what you need to do to sort things for DC. Even then, there is only so much you can do. The most important thing you can do for DC is draw boundaries, get your own life back and be the best parent to them you can be.

Italic fail...