Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Can I just add too that I had to smile at your user name, and wondering if ours are so similar because we share similar mindsets at our new separated status? ;)

Floating, as you well know, if he wanted to see the DC (instead of making you doubt yourself) no phraseology of a reply of yours could put him off. How old are DC, I forget?

You're right Sontaran. I am kicking myself for being so stupid as to tell the DC (they're pre-school age) yesterday that it might be happening. I'm just so sick of the constant not knowing, or being let down, and having this issue of contact dominate us every week. I'm struggling not to contact him this morning to ask him again but I know I have to leave it, why should I have to be the one to arrange it etc etc.

It's like you've got to find another, or different, level of detachment. There is your detachment from him, and then there is your detachment on behalf of the DC - this surely must be harder, as you can hardly wish detachment from their own father on the DC, but need to achieve it yourself.

While I'm in my current incarnation, I am happy to pay a visit to any/all FWs (except my own!) Sontaran Pussycats believe in swift full-on physical solutions .

floating, with dd's dad, I did simply stop telling her that he would come/phone whatever. The feline one is correct that no decent parent would not see dc because of how an email is phrased. Plan something else for your day, enjoy, do not let it dominate your day or week, just get on with what you want to do. It is not in your power to make him behave a certain way; it is in your power to shape your own response.

Sontaran - any permanent solutions offered?

Thanks both for your words. I wish I had started to post on this thread before now, I have had months and months of this. Sontaran you are so right about the different types of detachment and I do need to work on it!

Just popping on ever so briefly.

breathe - he sounds like he is genuinely unhinged. Please, please consider calling 101/Women's Aid for advice about his worrying behaviour, he must be terrifying the kids with it (which I know if part of his reason for doing it). But the only way to stop him is for there to be consequences, and there are none for him at the moment. He gets to behave how he likes, all the time, including pawing at you.

Bounty - glad you are nearing you point of leaving, lovely. Can you call WA as well tomorrow for advice about a leaving plan, ie leaving safely with DD?

Hugs and to all.

his commitment is to the children, and it matters not what you say or do Floating it is never reason to use the DC in that way, dropping them because of anyone else's actions!!!???? wtf is that all about. Why should anyone else's behaviour's affect if he still turns up for the DC (yes, I do know thats what the rule is in FW land, but in reality makes no difference, so time to put down the worry beads and let you and them see his behaviour for what it is?).

He's making it your fault, when its only his if he doesn't turn up for them. Its the same as abusing you and saying 'you made me'

massive x-post !! again! I see you have already your answers from the other lovelies here thats good.

fly thats awful, and too close to my experience for comfort. Huge sympathies and at this latest. xxxx

Floating substitute calling yourself stupid for not working at their level

Thanks Fi. I hope this is all as clear to anyone in the court as it seems to me and to others eg. on here. It's so frightening having to engage in the court process, I really don't want to have to do it, but we're now almost a year down the line, no further forward and several thousand pounds poorer. It just can't carry on like this.

Alternate weekends and consistent contact will be clear, as will the fact that you have exhausted all other avenues.

pony. I have a plan and it involves meeting my parents with dd for them to take back to theirs before telling fw that I'm leaving and then following on there. That way she witnesses nothing and he cannot prevent me taking her.

Just need the guts to do it. Will keep rereading yesterday's posts as of course today he is being nice, and it's so much harder to go when he's nice compared to storming out after he's said something horrid

There are two explanations for the niceness.

1. It is fake, it is meant to wrongfoot you. My best friend of 20 years came to handover, she said afterwards, you know,if you watched, his behaviour is fine, you would not think anything was wrong/he had behaved the way he has. It is like the getting up the day after an argument and they behave like it never happened. You are therefore unreasonable for still being upset.

1. They really don't believe they have done anything wrong. They believe they are entitled to behave the way they have, they are happy because they have asserted themselves and their views over yours, kept you in your place, and so all is well with the world. So, no need not to be nice.

Or to go back to what theblindone said, with clarity that belies her name, they are twisted.

Thinking about it makes me feel ill. Living it made me ill.

May God speed you, bounty, all good wishes with it.

Completely agree with quietcoach there (particularly with the Godspeed). Also, when he's nice, is he over nice? I felt uncomfortable even when mine was in a good mood because it was often too much: embarrassing, over the top niceness which didn't come across as particularly genuine. Partly it may have been because I was wincing inside to think of the dissonance between the two modes of behaviour. I just wanted normal. My friends and family, particularly now we've split, have made it quite clear they also felt uncomfortable around the 'nice' him, because they never really bought it in the first place. In my case I think it's because the 'nice' is an attempt to conceal the angry "everyone else is a fucking idiot" contained within. It's an act.

PS: bounty, the thing about knowing they're right deep down really resonates with me. Shortly after we separated we went to a Relate session. I remembered for the first time in years, during that session, that FW had slapped me around the face during one of our first dates. The question I raised, quite emotionally, as I recalled it, was why I had gone on to spend 11 years with that person instead of running for the hills like any person with a normal self-esteem would/should have done. But as I talked about the actual slap he almost leapt out of his chair and shouted at me "you fucking deserved that!" totally instinctively. Where can you go with someone if that's what they think? In my case when he was being nice he believed and still does I think, that it was almost an act of generosity for him to be nice "considering" all my faults.

You will feel so much peace, no matter what happens after the point of separation, not knowing that you are forever jumping through hoops trying to make someone undeserving think good of you.

YY to the not genuine niceness. To me, it just looked like another mask, concerned as he always has been exclusively by appearance. I wondered for a while if he was totally fake, but now I think there is a genuine self there (or was), but it's been pushed so far down even he doesn't know what it looks like.

Such a waste... but nothing I can do about it and more important things for me to worry about.

Sick of thinking it through in any case. I want to move on now. Thinking it through seems inevitable, though - so many little things which get me thinking again. Yesterday, it was: why do I suddenly feel more at home at church? What has changed there? And also observing couples doing simple couple things (and I mean really simple: talking to each other was one, walking together with DCs was another) and feeling sad that I never had that. And angry.

This too will pass. I know I'm on the train ride to indifference now. Some of the scenery isn't great at this stage, but it's all part of the journey!

Hello ladies! I have sheltered in my parents home for a few days so only just catching up with everything.
Wowzers, even a few days in the world of a FW is an emotional ride isn't it?!?!
Thankfully after last Wednesday I have been left alone. I have been packing, organising, planning and discussing with people.
I did get an epic text about how selfish I was being, how I wasn't thinking of his feelings and I should discuss everything with him because he needs closure. I will not be discussing anything with him for 'closure' I will be continuing to mostly ignore him with a bit of walking out when he starts to have a go at me.
I emailed him yesterday about custody/access stating when we could have the kids and that weekends could be flexi-days but we would need to discuss these well in advance. (HA!) but I had to put something in writing as a starting point. Of course, I got an email saying. "OK, cool, thanks". But at least I have a record now, not just insulting discussions in the kitchen.
So he has 'agreed' to having the kids on a Tuesday night and Saturday day then either Friday or Saturday night depending on what we agree before hand.
I have told him I will be keeping a record of days/nights spent at his/my house which can be referred back to when he inevitably states that it is "not fair" because they have been with me/him more.
Feels good to be back in control of my life. SO what if he lets us/the DC's down. that will be for him to answer the questions about, not me.

I'm quite shakey. DD (9) has told me Daddy is acting strange and now won't wake up. He could me over tired, or he could have drunk too much. She's terrified of me going to pick her up because of Daddy's reaction. She's said she'll have an early night instead. I need to ignore her concerns and go pick her up anyway, don't I?

yes, I think you do. Hope you're ok Noregrets. Strength to you

Agree, pick her up, check on him, good luck xx

Good luck Noregrets.

Hope all ok Noregrets. That sounds scary. Hope you've got her back. (((hugs)))

Just as I was on my way there - she texted to say he'd woken up, and was acting normal again. I've agreed not to go, but she knows to phone any time of day and night and I'm 5 minutes away. I'm so pleased she felt able to phone, but I need to stop sticking my head in the sand and talk to him about it. She keeps begging me not to, in case she gets in trouble. But this is the second time this has happened (last time was worse).

I'm so scared of his anger, and what he'll do in retaliation. But I'm just going to have to swallow those thoughts and do what's best for DD.

What do you think is going on there Noregrets? Is it alcohol do you think? Sorry you're so worried, I hate that hideous situation where you have to trade off the worry for your children versus their anger in dealing with a situation.

I've had a shit day. Feeling so ill with a cold and very very tired. Also going through the financial forms for exchange of Forms E next week as I have to submit them to my lawyer on Friday. Found out something today that doesn't bode well; it looks like he has been busy selling off property behind my back since we separated. I just feel so so tired by all of this, every time I discover some new thing I'm going to have to deal with in order to get to a fair ending, I don't know how much more I can take.