How do I forgive his drunken kisses?

[pensiveasusual]

I've recently found out that my DH of 11 months has drunkenly kissed a work colleague on three separate occasions. I've known OW as his colleague for a few years and have had a few nights out with her, and I've always been wary of her because I could tell she fancied my DH - flirting with him, spending all night talking to him, and making sure she had moments alone with him. I found out about the kisses because he'd met up with OW in secret that day for lunch (apparently for the first and only time) and I saw messages on his phone from her (one of them saying she loved him). He finally came clean when he accidentally sent me a message that was meant for her, telling her that if I rang her 'to not mention anything about the kisses.' I was obviously hysterical and I made him call her with it on loud speaker and I listened to her saying to him, 'have you told her that it meant nothing? You shouldn't lose your marriage over this.' As the last few weeks have gone on, I have found out that they used to text each other a lot and that he used to delete them because he knew I wouldn't like it. He also admits that their friendship became too close and he spent a lot of time alone with her at work. He has done everything in his power to make me believe he has no feelings for her and the whole thing was just friendship and drunken mistakes.

I have forgiven him and want to now move on, but I keep wondering if I am being a mug to do this? I also am now 100% consumed with paranoia all the time, wondering what he is lying to me about now, and whether he's lied about his feelings for her, and it is becoming physically and emotionally exhausting for both of us because I can't seem to move on and am anxious all of the time. Our relationship used to be perfect and I worry that we will never be happy again because I cannot forgive and forget after being so hurt.

What do I need to do to get over this paranoia and forgive? I am at a loss :-(

One drunk kiss is a mistake, three, plus texts and secret lunches are a habit (=affair). He's shown a complete disregard for your feelings and for his marriage.
And risk losing it for nothing???? What, an ego boost?

If he has a drinking problem, then you should seriously consider if you want to have children with this man.

Finally, his attempts to make you forgive him sound over the top and shallow. Trust is not gained with big gestures, but with daily respect. It takes time, a lot of talking, openness and respect.
What are you supposed to do with poetry if you don't trust your husband to keep his tongue, hands and who knows what else to himself around a colleague?

Do not force yourself to forgive. You'll either be able to or you won't, but at the very least he owes you the time for you to decide either way. If he's not prepared to wait and earn your trust the hard way, then you should ditch him.

What do you want to happen now pensiveasusual? Is your plan to get your marriage back on track? Because if it is, you need to kick him out. If your goal is to get him to reach a situation where he never, ever jeopardises your marriage like this again, he needs to be thrust up against the cold, stark reality of what he has to lose. Show him.

Hearts, flowers and poetry mean nothing. What will show genuine remorse and a concerted effort to safeguard against this sort of behaviour in the future is a no-holds-barred examination of his own life and character. He needs to find his weak points that result in him walking into these situations and create safety-nets against them. That will include, but is not limited to, getting control of his drinking. Affairs are about the person having them, not the unaware spouse in the background.

Personally, I'd kick him to touch and tell him to never darken my door again, but I suspect you have no intention of doing that. Love is blind. If you're determined to hang on in there, at least force him to demonstrate his remorse and love for you in a way that actually means something.

She was texting that she loved him? And you don't know what he was texting her...

I'd start by calling it an affair not drunken kisses and move from that point.

one drunken kiss maybe you/me/others can forgive and move on

but this is 3 kisses and a lunch with the same woman - to me this is the beginnings of an affair or one that had been going on for a while - you said youve known ow for a few years and always been flirty/after dh

only you can decide whether you can forgive and forget and i think time will tell

As we all know - cheats minimise things, so the 3 snogs thing is probably greatly under-exagerated!

But other than that, I don't know how you move on.
It isn't easy and I couldn't do it.

I think you need a bit of space. This is suggested in most cases like this. You need to really think about what you can and won't put up with. You need him out of your hair to do that.
Ask him to leave temporarily. It may be that that becomes permanent or it maybe that you have a bit of space and realise you do want to make it work.
But always remember this:-

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break,and forever to repair. If its lost it's not easily found and if it is found its never the same again.

I think before anything else, you need to accept something:

He's had an affair. It's almost certain it was more than three kisses. She says she loves him. She's now off work. He probably said he loved her too - people rarely say it if the other one isn't. Grown adults who are saying they love each other and who have crossed lines already rarely stop short of other lines. They most likely had sex or at least sexual contact.

Be honest with yourself before you work out how to move forward.

In my view they have definitely been sleeping together, and probably for quite some time. Probably since before you were married, OP. I'm sorry

You don't tell someone you love them after 3 kisses unless you are unhinged, sorry.

I think you know it was a lot more than what he's telling you, you need the entire truth before you can even think about moving forward.

Good luck.

How is romantic weekends doing everything he can?
They sound just as much fun for him - go somewhere nice, relax, I expect have sex... yeah, he's pulling out all the stops there.
If this were alcohol related - and I'm sure it isn't - he's have stopped drinking, for a start.

I'm so sorry, but I'm with the others. It will be more than he's saying. And even if it was only what he said ("only"!!) then it's still awful, and in your first year of marriage just disgusting.

You ask what you can do... Nothing. This is all on his shoulders now. And frankly, weekends and flowers is buying you off, and poetry is playing you for a fool. Less lines about how much he loves you, and more lines about why he did this to you, I think.

Good luck x

Oh and I note your phrases like "finally came clean" - so he didn't exactly throw himself at your mercy.
Don't you think it deeply coincidental that you happened to find out just on the one and only lunch date. Bullshit.
I'm sorry, you don't deserve his shit.

You poor thing. I have to agree with the other posters, maybe it helps to imagine what you'd say to your best friend if she was in your position.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck x