what has MIL said to DD to make DD doubt me and how I can repair the damage

[namechangedforthis45]

Long back story, short cut is, DD see's MIL for much shorter time, fewer times a year than before. On the previous to last visit, DD asked why I do not go to MILS house, I have not been since she was born and now she is 6 she is realising i do not go there. DH said to her its because MIL doesnt like me.

DD must have told MIl this and MIl said: " Thats not true".

It IS true, but I am not surprised she said it wasnt true to DD.

However, DD saw her recently, and before she went I said to DD who hates being questioned, to tell MIL she is tired if she asks her loads of questions.

She was there with MIL for about three hours and when she came back, I siad " DidMIL ask you any questions."

DD flew at me and said " YOu don't know everything you know, your not always right". She was then very distant and off with me, then and a few days after.

Since then ( this was about 2 months ago) DD is more normal with me, but sometimes she looks at me as though she is in deep thought and when I say things she says " YOu know nothing" in an almost disgusted way.

I am just wondering what on earth that woman has said to her, I feel that whatever it is - she has undermined me, and made my DD doubt me.

How can I get back from this?

Poor OP. Your DP needs to stop this woman playing games with your daughter or you need to stop contact.
Are you sure MIL loves/likes DD and is not using her as a pawn in order to get at you?
Your DP needs to tear her a new one. I do hope he's on side or you have a big problem.

I think I'd stop her going at all if this is what happens now when she returns.
Can you and your husband question your DD together and find out what was said?
Show a united front etc...????

Yes I know, it just came out and its been said now

Its been very hard the whole situation, lots of pressure from PILS but they do not like DH ( made this very clear over the years) do not like me etc.

I do not want to drip feed but put it this way, If I had MN six years ago when the real problems started with them, I would have had the strength to stop them seeing DD back then.

As it is they have seen her fairly regularly over the years until last year when we just could not bear their behaviour any longer and DD did not seem excited about going there.

They have caused massive problems to us as a family, we have been to relate, we have this on going problem to deal with and we have got much better at it. They used to cause massive arguments but now its easier. We want to make life better all round.

The damage has been done, so how to repair it?

How old is dd? Can you do something together? Shopping, coffee and cake, engage in general chat. Then tell her you actually know lots of things, including how to play manipulative bitchy games but you would prefer that she wasn't involved in family disputes regardless of her age.

hellsbells

Her personality always used to go odd when she had been there but we thought that was just her going to their house. We had nothing to compare it too until she started to spend time occasionally at my DB and then she would come back totally normal.

They used to see her all day several times a month. Now they have seen her about four times this year, each time maybe 4 hours but alone with them or MIL.

I am very happy for her to go with my DH there but they sneak her off to play hide and seek. DH does not feel comfortable in their house.

DH is on side he knows what they are like, but as ever he is also suseptible to emotional black mail from them and every year like at Christmas we get enourmous pressure for DH to go over with the DD.

spotty she is six.

I wouldn't talk like that to her.

She hates being questioned so I am careful not to question her too much.

Is moving away an option?
A totally serious question.

lady

Not right now no.

They certainly live too close.

I dream of moving away. We have no great ties to this area. But of course financially its an impossibility.

I would do two things: a) Stop your DD having contact.
b) Realise 6 year olds can suddenly become grumpy, flare up etc. anyway.

So deal with her behaviour. You and DH need to teach her to treat you (both) with respect. What is an acceptable way to speak to you and so on.
You also need to realise that parenting is a long haul process, and yes everything could be awful now, but if you keep putting in the ground work - one day (probably) you will reap the rewards in terms of your relationship. Certainly nothing your MIL could have said on one occasion is going to scar your DD for life.
Just show love to your DD, honesty and reliability.

Somewhere I read something about telling your children that you love them at least once every day. So I have done this with my DC, it has been annoying, a routine, denied by them, an embarrassment (even though I do it at bedtime) etc. for them. But long term I do think it works as a way of getting that message into their thoughts.

Perhaps alongside a plan to minimise contact, you could also have a plan to make it a financial possibility.

It cures all sorts of ills

Thanks Mummy.

We have certainly gone through a slightly challenging patch with DD almost like toddler again pushing boundaries but she really is a good girl.

She has flared up at me, and the way she did it after MILs was different, this is what has scared me.

Thank you, your right it is the longhaul, hopefully she is young enough to absorb whatever she has said and to hopefully forget about it soon...We do tell her we love her, but not every day.

Time will repair it only if you restrict access to supervised visits (by you to minimize her comments in your presence, and to contradict her in the moment) or no visits at all (best option). If your mil does not like you, you really should not be turning your dd over to her because this is bound to happen. If your dh objects, tell him exactly why (including his part in it in telling dd his mother does not like you)...and tell him to pound sand because you will see to it that it will never happen again. This is a battle to choose, imho, and do not back down.

In the mean time, you can explain to dd that mil likes to be rude to you and that is wrong...so you don't go there. AND if dd ever says you don't know everything, bat it right back at her with grandma doesn't know everything either...because no one person ever knows everything. That may be age appropriate enough.

At six years old she may already have experience with cliques in class or ballet class, even preschool/nursery believe it or not. With this in mind you might be able to explain to her, outside of the context of mil, the dynamics of bullying, how they try to get others on their team, and how wrong and hurtful it is. This is not to shame your dd, just start educating her about bullying and at some point she may make the connection with your mil.

I'd stop her going round there.

I would instead through gritted teeth invite the PILS to your house, if they refuse, then they are refusing to see your DD, if they come you can keep an eye on things, stop them going off on their own. If they are rude in your house you ask them not to be and then tell them to leave.

If someone didn't like me and was that vocal about it there isn't a cat in hells chance they would see my DD without me there.

What has dd said? She's 6, surely you can get it out of her, or the general gist anyway. I think I'd be putting a stop to mil seeing her unless I, or someone I trusted, was present to supervise.

My 5.5 year old keeps saying things lately like 'I wish you weren't my mom', 'I wish we could go to the woods without mom/dads'.

It is normal for kids to push boundaries and to get sick of their parents. It is normal for them to be intrigued by others and to put others on a pedestal. We all can get contemptous of what is in our face all day every day. It's not nice for the parent but it is something that kids do.

I suppose if you really want to protect her from negativity, you could go over and be there too for the visit. Not for the in-laws sake but instead for the child's sake.

It could well be that your MIL has been putting poisonous thoughts into your DDs mind hence the blow up at you. The phrasing she used seems very advanced for a six year old to actually think. Some people are more than happy to use the child as a weapon against the parents who for misguided reasons of their own still want to maintain a relationship with the grandparents (often out of societal convention or the hope that even though that his parents were and remain rubbish, they would somehow be better with their grandchild. That however is rarely the case). Poor kid is very confused by the behaviour of some adults around her.

I have to ask why DD is actually seeing MIL at all given the overall poor state of relations. If she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with, she is too difficult for your six year old to in any way have to handle.

Sorry, I thought she was older than six. More 10+. Don't know why.

My mil sneaks ds upstairs to play and brings dd down if she goes up. Drives me nuts so we've stopped going,

I think ... now that MIL has said to your DD 'that's not true' you need to call her bluff. I know it will be hard but you need to start insisting that if your daughter goes there then you will be coming too - so you can monitor what is going on.

Either that or stop her going.

"I am very happy for her to go with my DH there but they sneak her off to play hide and seek. DH does not feel comfortable in their house".

Two red flags there.

"DH is on side he knows what they are like, but as ever he is also suseptible to emotional black mail from them and every year like at Christmas we get enourmous pressure for DH to go over with the DD"

You do not go there anyway and to my mind he should follow your lead in this. He is likely in FOG with regards to his parents - fear, obligation, guilt; three very damaging legacies of inadequate parents. Your DH is perhaps on some level still wanting or seeking their approval.

I'd go round with your dh and ask what was said. Explain that you feel she is trying to sabotage your relationship with your daughter. Your daughter is not to be involved if she (mil) starts to use your dd as a pawn then you will stop her seeing dg. you must protect your dd.

If MIL flares up, you have your answer. I think she sounds nasty to the core personally!

There is no way I am going to her house or letting her come here

We did try over the years.

I was un sure as to try and find out what she said, and in the process make a too big deal of it in DD head, BUT to try and counter act it.

Or ignore it and as Mummy says just positively reinforce.

My DH does not feel comfortable there but they have used emotional blackmail to get him there when other family member's visit like his Grandma or aunts/uncles/cousins etc.

He would not pop in to visit off the bat etc. But at times like xmas and things he has been rail roaded into going and he has wanted to see his cousins.

We have tried to get the other family memeber's to visit us here instead and they seem keen, get to pils ( they come from over seas) then suddenly go off the idea and repeatedly try and get DH to go there with DD. Tons of emails, texts and even FIL coming round to knock at the door ( which we never open).

I am dreading this xmas to be honest.

My DH is very clear what they are like but yes, of course they are stil his parents.

"There is no way I am going to her house or letting her come here "

in that case you need to stop your daughter from going. At 6 years old she is too young and impressionable to be having to deal with that kind of shit.