what has MIL said to DD to make DD doubt me and how I can repair the damage

[namechangedforthis45]

Long back story, short cut is, DD see's MIL for much shorter time, fewer times a year than before. On the previous to last visit, DD asked why I do not go to MILS house, I have not been since she was born and now she is 6 she is realising i do not go there. DH said to her its because MIL doesnt like me.

DD must have told MIl this and MIl said: " Thats not true".

It IS true, but I am not surprised she said it wasnt true to DD.

However, DD saw her recently, and before she went I said to DD who hates being questioned, to tell MIL she is tired if she asks her loads of questions.

She was there with MIL for about three hours and when she came back, I siad " DidMIL ask you any questions."

DD flew at me and said " YOu don't know everything you know, your not always right". She was then very distant and off with me, then and a few days after.

Since then ( this was about 2 months ago) DD is more normal with me, but sometimes she looks at me as though she is in deep thought and when I say things she says " YOu know nothing" in an almost disgusted way.

I am just wondering what on earth that woman has said to her, I feel that whatever it is - she has undermined me, and made my DD doubt me.

How can I get back from this?

I am very happy to do that The Fab, but I can feel my DH thinks this is possibly too extreme.

Her great grandma wont come to our house to see her either so she only really gets to see her other family if she goes there.

I have said to DH though, its them stopping other relatives coming here, there is nothing we can do so be it.

If there's no way you would spend time there, and your dh feels uncomfortable there, why is your dd spending time there?
I would stop the visits personally. If your mil kicks up a fuss, tell her you don't want your dd spending time with someone who poisons her mind.

"I am very happy to do that The Fab, but I can feel my DH thinks this is possibly too extreme".

Oh he is so wrong here (thought he was in FOG and that thinking is further proof of same) and on so many levels to boot. You do not visit in any event because of them. Your DD should not be going there either to have her head filled with such rubbish from his toxic parents.

Your DD in particular deserves better role models as grandparents, not all grandparents after all are both kind and loving.

A long time ago when the main reason for this fall out occurred, Mil got me alone with the help of FIL, ie, made sure DH was out the house, then MIL told me for a good hour how much and why she doesn't like me, I had just had a baby ( a week before and also lost a close family member).

She then asked me at the end " Are you going to tell DH about this" when I said yes, she looked utterly disgusted nad said " Urgh, and you say you want to ...build him up".

Since then whenever we have met she has always acted like the injured party.

Aside from all the things she blamed me for and said to me during her little speach, it was the keeping it secret line that really got me the most.

It was this that somehow made me feel that she had no integrity and its this that has worried me re what she may have said to DD>

ugh I could not say that because we just do not know that she did say anything.

She wouldn't be going again if she were my dd and I would be quite firm about standing up for myself with dd as well. I'd explain in a way she can understand how wrong it is for her grandma to be speaking like that.

And you should be worried indeed.

The episode with your MIL several years back should have been your own personal line in the sand with regards to any future contact.

The only way forward is for your own family unit to go no contact with these horrid and toxic people. Your DH may never be able to break free from them and may still want to see them but it does not follow that you have to (you indeed do not see them anyway) and your DD is certainly too young and inexperienced to be exposed in any case to all that rubbish that your MIL is telling her. You need to further protect her from such malign influences.

Who else is going to protect your DD if you and your DH don't?

You need to see this for what it is.

Your inlaws are all manipulating you.

"Her great grandma wont come to our house to see her either so she only really gets to see her other family if she goes there. "

This is their choice. They are all choosing to isolate themselves and push you to hand your dd over.

"You know nothing". She is thoughtful, looking at you. Resentment.
Maybe she does not really want to go? You dont like the inlaws, they dont like you, you are refusing to be in their contact, YET you let your most precious child go their alone? What on earth for?

She does not have a choice, does she? You send her, because you are too weak to stand up to these people, and you have no idea what goes on at their house.

YOU dont want to see them, why do you think they are behaving graciously and loving to your dd, when they are not with you?

Please have your husband read this. All of the horror MIL has dished out for six years is on these two pages.

What are your options?
Continue sending DD until it becomes blatantly obvious what she is doing or stop her going and meet this head on.

I know you say you won't go there but wouldn't it be worth it just to call her bluff?

Not that I would - I would stop all contact and I would explain all that you have written here to your DH as the reason why.

Ok, so don't say that your mil is poisoning her mind, but do say that she is clearly not happy when she returns home.

And what funkybold said too.

If you're not happy with what goes on, you need to sort it for your dd's sake, before she sees this behaviour (meaning your mil's) as normal.

I know it's easy to offer advice from the outside looking in and far less easy to apply it to your own life, but if it were me in your shoes I'd refuse to let DD go there again.

This isn't a misunderstanding between ILs. Your DH acknowledges his parents are toxic. That's important to bear in mind at all times.

You don't need proof of what was said, although the very adult language use by your DD suggests something damaging definitely has been said and that possibly your DD has been 'coached'. Your MIL's episode all those years ago is proof enough that she is capable of manipulating your DD in the way you fear. That's enough to stop her going. When there is an obvious risk of something happening, to continue to allow the opportunity for that thing to happen is akin to reckless endangerment. Prevention is always better than damage limitation.

I can appreciate how difficult this is for your DH. However, as an adult he can continue his relationship with his parents in whatever he sees fit. If he wants to he can even kid himself that he's doing it because he wants to rather than because he's too scared to stand up to his parents. As a parent himself however, his first obligation is to protect the emotional wellbeing of his child, not to protect the feelings of his own parents.

I would go as far as making this a deal-breaker in my marriage because if he fights you over it - knowing exactly what his parents are like - he is effectively choosing them over you and DD. I would not entertain a relationship in which me and my child were relegated to second place and our maltreatment was continually excused. He can choose you and DD and continue to see his parents by himself on their his own terms.

In the meantime, don't underestimate the intelligence of a six year old. You need to talk to her about this. You don't need to question her. You just explain that you and PILs do not get on and there has been a lot of bad feeling over the years. It is adult and complicated and she doesn't need to know the details, but she can ask any questions she likes and you will do your best to answer them (as factually and unemotionally as possible). You can't speak for PILs but you feel it is better for yourself and for her not to have contact with them any more because being related to someone is not a reason to put up with feeling upset. Then I'd leave it. Your consistency over time will restore her faith in you.

Good luck.

So... OP you don't go because they are toxic, your dh doesn't like it there because they are toxic, yet your dd goes, and is alone with these toxic people? Because - why? You are adults, her protectors, and you don't want to go!?

Because you feel your dd should know that side of the family? Again - why? Cousins, aunts, uncles, PIL, great-grandma - they have a choice; if they want to see your dd, they can - they can come to you. End of. If they don't - well, they have NO RIGHT TO SEE YOUR DD! No right at all.

Really OP make a stand for your dds sake. She is so young and possibly even now been poisoned against you. Stop them from poisoning her any more - and NO it is not extreme; it is protecting her.

Another voice here saying contact. There is no way I'd be sending my child to be with such people. Imagine they aren't biologically related to your child. Would you still send her to people like this? I think maybe your husband would prefer you to be firm and be the one to say it will not carry on with his parents.
And move, as soon as you can!

*Saying CUT contact ...

Dahlen

Its quite complicated. We would have no contact then an uncle would announce he is coming over and make plans with my DH to see us. Then all of a sudden, plans would be switched to pils house. My DH would say,no, here.

then que tons of emails and phone calls and knocks on the door to try and get us to pils! ( sorry not me, just dh and dd). Its quite stressful even if DH is saying no. The same thing happened last xmas, DH said he would go over twice and gave times and days. Thinking this would STOP the bombardment.

It didnt! They wanted him over xmas eve, and not the times he said he would go, this is to see the grandma and over seas family.

We had about 40 messages in the end, via email, text etc, more knocking on the door.

My DH stuck to his guns and went when he said he would but its still extremly stressful. The grandma is already calling leaving messages about xmas and how she is coming over and all his family again.

This year i have asked him to tell them we are away, but I would not be surpirsed if they do a drive by and see we are in.

one reason we let dd go there was so they cant say they have no contact at all and bring some sort of law case against us. we also thought usually if other people are there like the cousins, its less intense with the mil.

I think you've fallen into the trap of keeping family secrets and not wanting to appear unreasonable to others. If an uncle does what you've just said, they miss out on contact with DH and DD. It's as simple as that. You only need to do that a handful of times - with extended family members missing out - before the message is received and understood that unless plans are stuck to they will be ignored completely. You don't engage with emails and phone-calls other than one short reply to reiterate the original terms and state no further discussion will take place on the matter.

You will be called unreasonable. So what. I'd rather be called unreasonable than be accused of failing to protect my chid. Think of it as much the same as ditching an abusive ex with whom you have a child.

Grandparents have absolutely no rights in law to contact with a child, so don't lose any sleep over that.

It's not as complicated as it appears (apart from emotionally), honestly. You've just been sucked into the dynamics of it. Legally and practically it is very simple to put a stop to all of this. You just have to be hard enough to do it - and therein lies the problem of course.

Good luck. I can see you're trying your best and I don't envy you.

Thanks Dahlen.

Attilla, it was my line in sand when she was nasty to me. At the time though without her I was having enough dreadful problems to deal with as well as a new born.

Also HV were saying, " Just let them see DD once a week" and people round us also saying that, it felt very wrong but from a baby DH would take DD there to prevent them coming to the door.

Its been a long slow process, we have been getting there slowly! Lots of help from MN.

I think it's a good message to your DD that we don't have to put up with shoddy treatment from anyone, family or no. I'd be cutting them out for the sake of my child. It sounds so stressful and unpleasant for you all.

What Dahlen wrote in its entirety.

"one reason we let dd go there was so they cant say they have no contact at all and bring some sort of law case against us"

Grandparents in this country do not have automatic right of access to their grandchildren so please do not worry about the above, its a non issue.

You drew a line in the sand at that time when MIL started ranting, good. Time now though to draw a line in the sand when it comes to your DD now. She is being manipulated and used by your PILs to their advantage. She is also being used by them to get back at you and her dad.

HV did more harm than good, she clearly had no proper knowledge of this family.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

It appears to me that your toxic relationship with your MIL goes both ways. You should leave your poor DD out of it.

Your DH doesnt like his parents.

You dont like them.

They are rude, nasty and manipulative.

And you willingly send your daughter there !

Thud

OUVRYVE

this is relationships not AIBU I don't mind helpful comments but making a statement and not qualifying it is not helpful.

Triffle its not that easy really. People can change, people do relax with their GC like they didnt with their own DC, I know a few people who had violent drunks as fathers who have grown old and who have changed.

I do believe in giving people a chance. I am not a heartless bitch the whole sitation has upset me greatly I deally I would love everyone to get on. It pains me when people say they are going to " family" for sunday lunch or seeing fmailies altogether at the xmas play or sports day when its just me, by myself.

My in laws would love to go but its just proved to be not possible to include them. Its mad me want to leave the man I love, its made me want to run away. Its driven me almost mad.

We have had lots of other things happen to us and they have just been the extra pressure we do not need.

You do not wake up one day and suddenly have all the answers. It is not easy bearing the entire brunt of a families ill will, or having a husband who cannot stand up for himself.

THUD