what has MIL said to DD to make DD doubt me and how I can repair the damage

[namechangedforthis45]

Long back story, short cut is, DD see's MIL for much shorter time, fewer times a year than before. On the previous to last visit, DD asked why I do not go to MILS house, I have not been since she was born and now she is 6 she is realising i do not go there. DH said to her its because MIL doesnt like me.

DD must have told MIl this and MIl said: " Thats not true".

It IS true, but I am not surprised she said it wasnt true to DD.

However, DD saw her recently, and before she went I said to DD who hates being questioned, to tell MIL she is tired if she asks her loads of questions.

She was there with MIL for about three hours and when she came back, I siad " DidMIL ask you any questions."

DD flew at me and said " YOu don't know everything you know, your not always right". She was then very distant and off with me, then and a few days after.

Since then ( this was about 2 months ago) DD is more normal with me, but sometimes she looks at me as though she is in deep thought and when I say things she says " YOu know nothing" in an almost disgusted way.

I am just wondering what on earth that woman has said to her, I feel that whatever it is - she has undermined me, and made my DD doubt me.

How can I get back from this?

OP just put a very large sign on the front door over Christmas saying 'trespassers will be prosecuted' or 'gone to the north pole', depending on how nice you want to be.

lulu

. My patience with them has gone now, its been eroded over the years and we have had other issues and problems to deal with.

The sign would be more like "Knock at your own risk I cannot be held responsible for my actions!"

I am a grandmother and it would break my heart if I didn't see dgc but if I had behaved as your MIL has then I wouldn't deserve to see them. It will be difficult for your dh and of course his relationship with his family is his affair, but he shouldn't be taking your dd into a toxic atmosphere.Draw the line now, it is important.

I think when DD is at your MILs they show a different side, a better one. They will try to say that they have been always nice to you but you have not. Of course this will make your DD against you as they are so lovely to her. And you are just ungrateful.
I would ask your DH to talk to her but not in your presence. May be your DD will be able to open up a little bit more to her father. Also I would not send DD to MILs till finding out what has happened. Try not to discuss things in front of DD. Some kids talk too much without understanding much.

OP, I hope I did not offend you in any way in my last sentence. I just know that there are cunning/clever children even at a very young age but there are children who get easily brainwashed. Kids can also be material when it comes to toys. Do your MILs give her cash or buy toys every time your DD is there?

thegreylady Thanks, I don't think MIL has morals as I understand them and would not put two and two together. She very much see's herself as a martyr who is amazing for everyone. I have never ever come across someone who does so little and yet expects so much adulation in return.

Yes Main I think since contact has been cut down, when they do see her they go into overdrive with her. Mil was on the last visit saying to DD she could have a sleep over there and then she could take her to school in the morning .

MIL does give small gifts, she gave DD small gifts.

Another things that worries me, is MIL questioning DD about me and DH also. They already undermine all our choices for DD, eg why isn't she playing piano yet ( from two years old), hints that our school choice is crap and they would pay for private....and that DD has no friends there...Its all lumped into the general " well thats them the loosers, and poor DD has to have them as parents...."

For them I think they see my DH very much as a child still who cannot make with me decisions for our DD.

main

My DD is not a push over she is quite aware which reassures me but also worries me, if MIL is pulling her feel sorry for me crap etc when she is there. She will start to see me as the bad guy who wont let her go.

I've read the thread and agree that you need to stop your DD seeing this toxic woman.

I also think you should consider asked the school nurse to arrange some counselling for her to help her deal with whatever her grandmother told her. She needs an opportunity to let this out to someone who is not involved, someone whose feelings she doesn't have to worry about.

Gold, I do not think it is a good idea to involve school into this matter. DD might say something and the damage is done. Do not think OP needs the gossip.

Do not think OP needs the gossip.

You have a very low opinion of school nurses and counsellors main. They are there to help children, not to do damage and have a good gossip.

I really, really am not someone who automatically supports cutting contact or demonising people who are just a bit irritating. But here, I could not agree more with Attila: I think these people share at least one serious mental health disorder and your DD should not be exposed to it. You should cut contact with a knife, IMO.

This situation, if allowed to continue, can only harm your child. As her mum, I'd prevent that. It's just a shame that you have to. But love from people like that always, always has some very lacerating strings.

A letter from a solicitor asking them to stay away might work wonders btw. What you describe is simple harassment. You shouldn't have to deal with that - I don't care which birth canal your poor husband emerged from. If I ever did that to my son, I would hope I'd raised him secure and confident enough that he'd tell me to take a hike.

I agree with perfect's suggestion of a cease-and-desist letter from a lawyer. I know it sounds extreme, and I imagine you will think it sounds too extreme for your DH -- and I do get it that he has to ease away from them slowly.

And, yeah, there are less drastic solutions, in theory -- more limited contact, laying down rules and what is said to DD, no hide-and-seek (I didn't like the sound of that either) or other isolation. But they won't let you use those solutions.

And part of what's making the easing-away so darn slow for your DH is that they keep on battering at him. He needs some breathing room! And so do you and your DD. Ordinarily I would say just cut contact but as you have said that obviously won't work, they will not leave you alone. So I wonder if you could sit your DH down, both take a huge breath, and calmly just look at the idea of a letter. They might react horribly to it, but again, they react horribly to everything, so what is there to lose? Imagine how great it would feel to be free. I really hate to think of how they have you on the hook of their anger all the time. It's clear that you cannot ease yourselves off it; you will have to just yank the hook out.

Good luck x.

Gah, rules about what is said.

gold

I think as we have cut visits right back and have none planned for the forseable future, I would not go down counselling route.

I do think that going down that route would make whatever was said too prevalent in her mind. However its good to know there is such a service there.

Perfect and keats

I do not think DH would write the letter, however, again its brilliant to know its there. I had a look at one today and you can do your own to a template.

Its reassuring to know such things exist and can be called upon if necessary.