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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The dating thread 65

999 replies

Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/11/2013 22:09

Grin
OP posts:
Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 09:18

Oneday sorry to hear you've has such a hard week.. I wouldn't worry too much about dimples, it sounds like you've enough on your plate right now... Go out tonight and have a blast.. You can tackle the dimples situation next week

superdooperpenguin · 08/11/2013 09:24

Good morning all, great to see so many dates are happening!

The detective is still messing me around with his work schedule. He will "try really hard to leave work on time" and see me this eve but I'm getting really fed up of being kept in limbo all the time. I texted him last night and told him if he doesn't have time to see me once a week then he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. So it's make or break tonight, if he cancels again then I'm going to ditch him.

I'm a bit gutted as I do quite like him! Think I will take a break from dating for a while after this one, it's energy zapping and a bit soul destroying at times!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 08/11/2013 09:26

So I asked him if he was attracted to me. He replied yes very much but he was also confused about my feelings if that made sense? He has sent love lovely messages about how great he thinks I am so I feel better about it. I still want some action though!
I have told him I am spun out by how different he is from what I am accustomed to. Sounds naff but he is and also I have never started a relationship where we talk about it sensibly first which is what he wants to do. I am a bit weirded out bit the grown up in me says actually you need to go with this - this is a genuine bloke trying treat you well.

OP posts:
Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 09:42

That's disappointing Super but you're absolutely right, your precious time shouldn't be spent hanging around waiting for the call to drop everything and snatch a date whenever he's free... what was his reply to your text btw?

Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 09:44

Queen... He seems to be doing everything right! We all know how sex changes things, emotions get involved etc so he is being sensible, trying to get a handle on where you stand before taking the next step...
It's alien to me too but perhaps we could all learn something from him! Grin

Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 09:54

Onceagain, why these guys don't mention they've "changed somewhat" since their profile pic was taken is beyond me.. do they not think we'll notice? Grin
No idea about match, sorry..

Hormonalhell · 08/11/2013 10:25

Onceagain yes it's very annoying, that's happened to me quite a few times with the overweight thing! Aparently women are even worse!

splishsplosh · 08/11/2013 12:01

Queen - it's lovely he's not rushing into things and thinking about how you feel about one another... but shouldn't expressing some physical affection come naturally, rather than be discussed in detail before so much as a kiss? I don't know - seems a bit of hard work to have to discuss and negotiate before doing anything. But if you like him, maybe it's worth it. I'd be frustrated though!

I've had a couple of dates with someone I like, and seeing him tomorrow too. He texts loads - but he has a tendency towards the kinky, and I get the feeling that is the priority rather than me - I've brought it up with him and he denies it, but I think he is firmly in the Bit of Fun For Now category for me, which is OK at the moment. May resume looking for something more meaningful after Christmas!

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 08/11/2013 14:01

Well.....housemate guy has cancelled on me (very valid reason).....which was only to be expected after this week to be honest!!! Rubbish end to a rubbish week!!! Hopefully seeing him tomorrow. Was really quite disappointed - which has made me a bit wary I may be emotionally investing a bit early. It did flash across my mind to text dimples and see if he was free tonight.....but instead am meeting a friend. Girly time.

saturn · 08/11/2013 14:37

Hi, well he confirmed for after work...very excited, which makes me think I may be breaking the emotionally invested rule already!! Are there are second date rules I should know about? Grin

Bant · 08/11/2013 15:37

OneDay - it's good to be a bit disappointed if someone cancels, it means you're not just dating for the sake of it. If you went 'meh' then it probably doesn't have potential.

Saturn - first dates are, in my experience, for telling whether you can stand being around someone. Second dates are for seeing whether you actually like them or not. That's when little things might come out which you notice because you're not so nervous - like whether they're rude to the waiter, whether they have nothing to say after the first date.

It's often after the second date you work out whether you might want to bump uglies with them. People let their guard down on a second date and you can see more about whether you like them when they're not so much on their best behaviour. Some people are very good on first dates, not so much on second ones.

Bant · 08/11/2013 16:18

I'm bored at work so I thought I'd extend the rules/guidelines to deal with date-specific questions.

Like:
First dates:

  1. Men generally don't care what you wear unless you're in a cloth sack or dungarees. It's good to look good, but it's more for your confidence than something the man will notice.
  2. Some alcohol is good, not too much. Coffee-only dates are generally quite sterile, so one or two drinks lets you both relax a bit without getting too horizontal.
  3. If a man invites you to his place, or wants to come to yours for the first date, he is after a quickie. That is all.
  4. The old tried-and-tested emergency phone call still works if you need to get out of there. Choose a place you know, if you can, and don't be afraid to tell the staff if you're feeling threatened.
  5. Generally, a place for coffee-then-maybe-drinks-then-maybe-dinner gives you multiple options for having to get home to the kids if things aren't going well on the date.

Second dates:
6) Second dates are for seeing whether you like them a lot. This can happen on a first date too, but if you're not feeling 'it' by the end of the second date, then it's probably best to call it a day
7) Second dates give you more understanding of whether the man has a 'set-piece' performance he rolls out on first dates. Those monologues about working with children in India, the funny stories - on the second date he may have nothing left of interest to say.

Third dates:
8) Third dates are generally accepted as getting a bit, or very, physical but only if you want to. There are notions that a man will shag and disappear after a first date, third date or a twelfth - this is of course possible, but the greater the emotional connection, the less the chance of disappearance. Emotional connections take time, whereas physical chemistry is fairly instantaneous.

dontcallmehon · 08/11/2013 16:41

Oh bless! Geeky guy is away for the weekend, so I didn't expect to hear from him, but just got a little text :)

dontcallmehon · 08/11/2013 16:42

Oh no Bant, I rushed things by having geeky guy stay over on date 2! But date 1 did last for 9 hours!

ladygoingGaga · 08/11/2013 18:18

Thanks Bant useful to get a mans perspective Smile although I clearly need to change jobs! as I've barely had time for lunch let alone MN Grin
In fact they would prob wouldn't approve me even logging in!

dont only guidelines! rules are meant to be broken Grin we are all adults and as long as no one gets hurt anything goes really.

saturn excitement is exactly what you should be feeling, that is entirely different to investing emotionally

Enjoy your girly night oneday

I've had a few texts from supermarket man tonight, but making this weekend a DS special time and relax with him.
I'm seeing supermarket man Tuesday whilst DS is at school, going to book go karting for a laugh Grin

Hormonalhell · 08/11/2013 18:51

Thanks Bant for that very useful post. I'm purposely going to wear my ugliest greyest underwear for my first date with Donny tomorrow.Grin

Gaga that sounds like fun!! Donny said I had three choices for our first date - sky diving, visiting an art gallery or cocktails.

I chose cocktails.....sky diving Shock

saturn · 08/11/2013 20:22

Thanks for the rules bant and thanks gaga Smile

Don't - did all turn out fine with you and geeky guy after date 2?

I've just bumped uglies on date 2 Blush that's not good is it?

Hormonalhell · 08/11/2013 20:29

Help me ladies, what shall I wear first date cocktails in the city centre? Here are the options:

  1. Sparkly dress, thick black tights heels or boots with leather biker jacket
  1. Tight black pants, leopard skin fabric top, heels

Obviously grey underwear for both Grin

Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 20:31

I'd go for the dress/ jacket/ boots option myself hormonal... Have a fab time.. Please give a loo update if possible for all us saddos stuck at home tonight Hmm

Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 20:32

Oh.. Just spotted your date is tomorrow hormonal! Was wondering why you were only asking about outfits at 8.30!

Hormonalhell · 08/11/2013 20:44

Yes tomorrow n I'll try n remember if cocktails don't go to my head quick! Dress it is Smile

FolkGirl · 08/11/2013 21:13

hormonal definitely dress, boots and jacket. That's what I'm going to be wearing for my second date with Wednesday Man tomorrow night.

Cocktails sound fab - don't drink them too quickly!!

Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 21:25

Saturn! I almost missed that one! Lol

Sounds like date 2 was a huge success Grin

Poffedoff · 08/11/2013 21:31

That sucks Oneday Hmm

I'm meeting pof guy tomorrow for a night away... Texting ramped up as the date gets nearer... He's telling me he can't wait to see me, it's been a long week etc. All I see when I read them tho is " I can't wait for the sex"... really think the trust is gone for me and all he's interested in is a weekly shag at this stage.... What.am.i.doing??

Hormonalhell · 08/11/2013 21:39

Poffed try not to think too much about it and have some fun yourself! If you go with that kind of thinking it will show that to him too