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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gay guy

108 replies

str8tothepoint · 02/11/2013 18:47

Just posting as am really low after walking away from the guy I was having an affair with. Breaks me to walk away eventhough he admitted to me several times that he know's he's gay but has to be the straight father and be that way cos doesn't want the shit. I can understand he doesn't want the shit for his DC, I wouldn't but have all the evidence to just send to his OH to prove it but know I'll just destroy everything and have to finish myself off. I'm not a nasty person or evil and I suppose karma does exist being on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just not wanting to be alive anymore. Yes it was an affair, he called me his soulmate, the only person he could be who he truly is with, I kept him sane and from finishing his life before we got in touch. And no he hasn't messed about with lads before me I know that for sure. Just want all the memories to just be erased and want to hate him but it's killing me to not just wanting to message him. I know walking away is for the best just so much crap he fed me about him leaving when DC is older and scared I wouldn't wait around for him. Hope she's happy with him living a lie though I think she knows the truth just scared to be alone herself. He's made me question who I am so much, I thought I knew or felt comfortable being a gay lad but really I'm not so sure anymore and dunno what I am right about anymore. Just confused and need to go for good and that's a huge huge huge fear of not knowing what I'll do

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/11/2013 11:28

Good for you. :)

Sadly, I suspect he gets an ego boost from knowing how crap he makes you feel, in that he knows he affects you emotionally.

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 30/11/2013 12:09

You know what I think that as well think he loves the fact I shut off for a few days then give in. Like said me and her fighting for him is probably a big ego booster too

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 30/11/2013 14:05

Well, he is a weak shit obviously and trust me if you were with him he would lie and cheat on you too. He likes the drama and excitement and one person would never give him that.

Betcha not the first and betcha won't be the last.

Ledkr · 01/12/2013 02:10

How you feeling tonight?

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 01/12/2013 07:13

I'm pretty good to be honest I know he's working today so wouldn't be surprised if he calls, orange can't change my number and have raised technical fault. A year ago today was the first time we slept together and he stayed in my bed with me telling the gf he was out with the boys for the rugby. Now I really couldn't even bring myself to touch him never mind shag him. Have realised that I was more focused on their relationship rather than me. Last 15 months have been a real head fuck and waste of time. To think he even apologised for not coming out and being a coward few months back - FOOL

OP posts:

zippey · 01/12/2013 08:53

You sound like a nasty piece of work, a right bunny boiler if you will. You need to completely detach from this persons life and leave them to sort their family out.

You also need to stop playing the victim and trying to "reveal all" to his wife. The only victim here is this mans wife and children. You have to think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes and another person tried to prise your partner away.

Can you not find a single man to fall in love with?

Lweji · 01/12/2013 09:58

No need to be nasty, Zippey.
Str8 is trying his best and telling the wife is hardly bunny boiling.

You sound positive today. How about turning off the phone or putting it on silent and checking every now and then for important messages?

If he rings, post here instead. And keep in your mind how pathetic he is and how you are better off without him.

Ledkr · 01/12/2013 10:05

Helpful zippey

Glad you are getting there str8
Once you've decided enough is enough then you can get on with the business of healing.
They really are best left to get on with it, he's confused and nasty and she must feel terrible and have pretty poor self esteem to stay with him after all that's happened.
You need your mates around you now and a nice plan for maybe a holiday or big night out to look forward to.
Stay strong

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/12/2013 10:07

@zippey... to be fair, like a lot of OW and OM (although I realise this is not a popular opinion), the OP and the DW are both just as big victims of this man's deception. He's promised them both a pack of lies.

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 01/12/2013 12:53

Lol I've not laughed so hard for a while after reading zippey's post. I'm hardly a bunny boiler and have not threatened or told his DP the truth. And not one time have I played the victim at all so please take your rudeness and bitchyness elsewhere. I did not go after him, I am not the one with a DP and child who decides to go looking for a lad to muck about with. I have accepted that I should not have got involved and accept the blame. I suspect you have been hurt in quite a similar fashion so decide to be bitter and harsh towards me but frankly I couldn't give a shit. For all the good people who have posted support/advice on here I totally appreciate it

OP posts:

zippey · 01/12/2013 21:21

@Cogito - I take your point. Id add though that I suspect the OP went in with his eyes wide open. I might be wrong. If he didnt know about the wife then I'd agree he is also a victim of this other person.

Apologies str8tothepoint - I may have been a bit harsh on you this morning, though the jist of my post still stands. Im not exactly sure why you are getting a lot of sympathy on here so I suspect there is more to this story.

something2say · 01/12/2013 21:30

Straight to the point,

It's Christmas. Think how many parties there are happening!!!

You are probably going to meet a lot of people in life, and some of them are where you think they should be in life, where others are not. Learn to recognize it and choose how much time to waste.

This man did not waste your time, you did. By not seeing what was before you. Why not cut it loose now and get out there a bit? Telling his wife won't change the fact that the man is not ready. That's what you want to change, not telling his wife. Yet the man still won't be ready, so I'd advise you to regretfully sail on, and don't be fooled into thinking he is all. There is always another man darling x

butterballs9 · 01/12/2013 22:16

Interesting thread. I haven't read it all but the message seems to be loud and clear. OP - the man you had an affair with would be genuine in his intentions/feelings for you.

HOWEVER - and this is a big however - he has made a commitment to his wife and he also has children. Therefore he will be very conflicted.

It is not necessarily that he is 'living a lie'. He may have genuinely wanted the marriage to work and he obviously has a strong sense of commitment to his children.

Unless you have had children yourself, I think it is difficult to understand the sense of commitment you have to them. It can be so strong that parents will put aside their own needs/desires etc in order to protect their children and do the best for them.

I do not think there would be any value at all in you confronting his wife. She is not 'the enemy'. She is someone who is making the best of what sounds like an incredibly challenging situation for all concerned. It must be very difficult for her to wrap her head around the thought that her husband is attracted to men. It would profoundly challenge what she had hoped for. She is presumably clinging onto what she had wanted to believe her marriage would be. And I suspect that he feels really guilty for having, at some level, mislead her.

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 02/12/2013 05:32

They are not married - he was asked by her at beginning of year just after he moved back in but told her no and since the days we were talking on gaydar he had always stated he didn't want the commitment. And to state something she found out this time last year made him finish with me which was extremely upsetting then a week later messaged me on Skype and meet up, she found out a few days later and all of a sudden he's back home plus she told me that she could not allow us to be together after what happened. And I would never release the fact he's a gay guy cos he has a huge straight guy image plus a very big plus his DC can't get bullied or hurt by finding that out

OP posts:

Ledkr · 02/12/2013 08:17

Well as a gay man you must get his point then?
Anyway if you ended up in a relationship with him you'd not be able to relax as you'd never know what he'd want next.
Forget about them not being married too, they've got kids together, that's a bigger commitment than a gold ring.
You must let go of your hatred for her you know. She's fighting to keep her family together and to not be a single parent, can you really blame her?
Direct your hatred towards him, or better still towards moving on with your life and showing him he's far from indispensable.

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 02/12/2013 15:30

I don't hate her like I tell my friends I don't know her she could be a nice woman for all I know. The more and more time goes by the more I realise how much of a twat he is and that I don't love him I haven't for longer than I thought

OP posts:

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 03/12/2013 20:17

So after meeting him last night and having out out with him today I bit the bullet and just emailed him. This has to be it I won't survive much longer otherwise plus it's the wrong side of Xmas to finish me off for good. Still don't know what he wants just kept on saying he doesn't want me to fuck off or go away, still wants me, how much me being in his life matters to him usual crap now it seems. Told me he's having therapy to process what he's doing so made me wonder that if the therapy he supposedly he's going to to process his fucked up head is working why doesn't he tell me just to fuck off??? I just said your gay I still love you but you've killed me, goodbye. My brother has now taken over the account so anything he will get ripped apart and my phone is diverted to his so any calls my brother will tell him to man up or fuck off. The last year as been a total waste of time and I now need to work on getting him out of me and all his ways of thinking he's imprinted on me. He's a coward and that's his life my life is on the path to one of truth and honesty not lying or deceiving people like he is and will do for all his life.

OP posts:

Lweji · 03/12/2013 20:28

If your brother responds he's still getting drama out of it.

Just don't answer anything.

Fingers crossed this time you will move on.
Keep posting in the dark moments if you want. :)

Hissy · 04/12/2013 07:23

You've had some good advice here love.

Keep focussed on exorcising him from your life.

Leave him and his wife behind you and don't drop to his level.

Think 'Dignity first'

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 04/12/2013 15:57

My friends have been great and told me months and months ago to bin him just wish I'd listened. Was never going to be a happy ending he's just a bully and a snake

OP posts:

Hissy · 04/12/2013 23:11

So bin him!

It's over. You're better than all this. You can still recover your dignity.

Head held high, come on! You can do this.

Do what you gotta do, and deal with the feelings after! Ok?

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 11/12/2013 20:25

I lasted until today, emailed him saying you hurt me, his reply How?

WTF?????? How ducking much of a dick is this person, then goes on to say how truly sorry he is for hurting me he only ever wanted to love me and cherished every moment we have xxxxxx

What a TWAT

OP posts:

Hissy · 11/12/2013 20:27

Don't do that again love!

Bin his email. He's a waste of time for everyone.

Move on to better! You deserve a billion times better than this idiot!

scarletforya · 11/12/2013 20:38

Step away from the computer OP.

STOP!

Original poster

str8tothepoint · 11/12/2013 20:38

He really has fucking hurt me, the lies, stringing me along, it's just all fallen into place. Be a year Friday since she found out first time wan to inflict pain on him and be a nasty bastard for once but know ill get hurt the most again. He's took everything from me literally sucked my soul out of me. A big part of me truly believes he's having revenge and purposely being a twat to me because of what's gone on even though he's the liar and cheating wanker

OP posts:

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