Gay guy

[str8tothepoint]

Just posting as am really low after walking away from the guy I was having an affair with. Breaks me to walk away eventhough he admitted to me several times that he know's he's gay but has to be the straight father and be that way cos doesn't want the shit. I can understand he doesn't want the shit for his DC, I wouldn't but have all the evidence to just send to his OH to prove it but know I'll just destroy everything and have to finish myself off. I'm not a nasty person or evil and I suppose karma does exist being on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just not wanting to be alive anymore. Yes it was an affair, he called me his soulmate, the only person he could be who he truly is with, I kept him sane and from finishing his life before we got in touch. And no he hasn't messed about with lads before me I know that for sure. Just want all the memories to just be erased and want to hate him but it's killing me to not just wanting to message him. I know walking away is for the best just so much crap he fed me about him leaving when DC is older and scared I wouldn't wait around for him. Hope she's happy with him living a lie though I think she knows the truth just scared to be alone herself. He's made me question who I am so much, I thought I knew or felt comfortable being a gay lad but really I'm not so sure anymore and dunno what I am right about anymore. Just confused and need to go for good and that's a huge huge huge fear of not knowing what I'll do

he has told her I chased him
Whatever the truth of the situation is, this guy is a lying cheating scumbag and OF course he's going to deny he chased you. Deny, lie, minimize etc - its' the cheaters script and well documented.

What is astonishing is that you would think he would play this any other way? Why do you think he told you the truth and yet is always lying to his partner? What you actually know about him and his actions is that he lies to people while making out he cares for them - you included.

Why are you still wasting your time with this drama? Draw a line, walk away, go find a boyfriend who doesn't already have a partner. Someone who can really care for you, not tell you an endless stream of lies and manipulations.

no i know this has no happy ending, and I use to feel sorry for her but I no longer do, I classify myself as a evil nasty person yet the people I confide in suggest otherwise. Yet I am told by him after telling him to never contact me again his reply was that whose in my ear telling me to leave him and fucking my head up, he is. Is it bad to want to destroy him the way he has made me feel and pushed me to the brink of a total breakdown. I'm not looking for attention or sympathy but I always think of just downing a bottle of vodka with my tablets and slipping into a sleep then fucking off

this man Is a nasty piece of work I really feel for you. I would want to destroy him if I was in your position too but sadly I think his wife will stay with him regardless.

sounds like her way of coping is to fully blame you, she will hopefully wake up one day and see him for what he is, a lying horrible man.

thank you maparole, lweji, sunshine, something and cogito. I have last few weeks now started to see and realise how much of a twat, horrible, disgusting and vile person he really is. Yes I was naive, very naive to think that somewhere he really wanted me though tried to protect myself by not fully accepting it. It's not nice just breaking down at random times, work, shopping, driving, gym, in front of family when he's happy banging the both of us when he desires. I think I may meet him tomorrow and just say look your a horrible person, you've killed me and your lucky one day I don't tell her everything now fuck off and crawl back into the closet. He's a manipulator and a c--t and totally deserves to have his cock cut off. Thing is I remember sitting in his house, on his lap with a picture of her next to us and I said if I find out your lying to me not only will I never speak to you again but I will tell her everything. I kinda wish I had the guts to do it, I'm too scared to read the e-mails she sends me my friends in work have to read them first to make sure there is nothing nasty on there. I was lying in bed last night and thought I've just destroyed everything and allowed myself to drift into another phase of doom and destruction. I think I care too much about other people other than me, I protected him from her by putting her off that I am in contact with him, I could have so easily met with her or answered her phone calls at 3am in the morning and said yes he is still fucking me. But I know that somewhere I'll have the bad end of the deal whatever the deal is. I am genuinely fearful that he will or she will come to my house and kick off which I can't allow as family are here, they are aware of everything but I can't let them get attacked by them. I have probably hit rock bottom or very close to it. Sorry everyone thanks for your support x

Why does he and her matter to you so much? I think you need to determine what is it in you that allows them to get to you in such a way that you consider pills and vodka.
Surely they are not worth it at all.

No! Do not meet him.

Just walk away from this mess completely. It will be hard at first, but you will get better faster.

What can you possibly accomplish from confronting him, or from convincing her that he's the bad one?

You just want out. Before you damage yourself even further.

I'd seriously shake you if you were within reach. :)

And set up your e-mail account to automatically delete all e-mails from either of them.

I'm not really sure she will, think her knowing I've been into the house would be enough, never mind knowing we slept without any protection, sorry to be rude am just getting all this out of my system. All the emails, skype calls, phone calls, text's I can send any time to her. I hate him and I have not been in love with him for a few months now but yet can't seem to explain why I kept talking and having dirty dates with him. Stupid stupid stupid, soul mates, love of his life, you complete me what stupid utter bullshit. For him to tell me to stop replying to her vicious emails proved me right all along which I learned how to trust myself and not some in the closet gay guy who is scared of coming out. plus I don't want my brother serving a life sentence for knocking him into hell

Shake me Lweji hard, your a good soul, suppose he's just embedded into me so much that I feel like I'm under his control. I also deactivate my account so get nothing from him which he hates. Just grateful they don't live too close by and have friends/family who tell me to just bin him he's a fool and if he makes you feel like this when why you still bother.

I've felt how you feel, not as the OW but so distraught and obssessed about a break up that I've felt physical pain. I know a bit about what you're going through right now. The good thing though is that you are starting to see what he really is, thats a breakthrough. Don't meet him. Very Bad Idea. Cut contact and go cold turkey, it's the only way you can start to heal. Its a bit brutal but worth it in the end.

think I just feel like I've been a huge joke and they probably laugh about me and that he's made me up to be some nasty person who won't leave him alone when it's totally the opposite that's who he is, playing happy families my arse, he's happy back at home cos he can cover up his lies and deceits just want him gone forever and know that I've hurt him enough to never hear from him again. Bad that I want him to burn and burn to a crisp

They are certainly not laughing. I bet they are both incredibly sad, desperate and so messed up. They cannot be happy together. She probably knows what he is and his actual role, but she's in denial. He's desperately clinging to his fake life and to whatever control he has over you.

But you can be happy. If you can disengage from them.

as everybody else has said you need to cut off ALL contact from both of them. You say your family know, but are you able to talk to them? If you are serious about the pills and vodka - even if you arent, but are in need of someone to talk to, remember the Samaritans, you can call them anytime day or night, they will listen and not judge.

I have to, I know I do, I don't want another Christmas like last year. Thank you so much Lweji :-)

The last thing his partner is doing is "laughing" OP, in fact I reckon it has been a while since she smiled. Don't you feel any compassion for her at all? Can't you leave them alone to sort out their relationship and block all contact from him? If you can't do it for her do it for his kids.

You need to find your own, single man. If and when he comes back to you it needs to be because he is now single and hopefully by then you will have met someone else and realised that this man never had any respect for you anyway.

I've seen the pictures on her facebook buzzard to prove otherwise hence why the shit hit the fan and realised he had been taking me for a ride. All the times I wanted a break, get my head together, was so much stronger nowhere near as emotional he wouldn't allow it cos he 'needed me'. But to carry on saying to me that this is all in my head and no more doubts then see the facts proved to me only 2 weeks ago he's a monster who scares the crap out of me, who brings on panic attacks, mental breakdowns, triggers my bulimia and makes me feel like a bit of shit on his shoe

If you're having mental breakdowns, feeling suicidal, experiencing eating disorders etc., have you been to your GP lately? Also, does this couple live or work close to you? It all sounds very claustrophobic and possibly what you need to do is put some physical distance between you.

You need to heed the advice on here and put all your energies into cutting contact. I am pretty certain there is not going to be much laughing going on the home of your MM and his DW, I am guessing there is huge distress and pain there.

There is nothing to be gained by contacting her and outlining how deceitful her DH has been towards her, I am sure she has a pretty good idea what has been happening. If she chooses to believe his version of events for now, that is OK. It is for them to sort out. They are doubtless both going into desperate self-preservation overdrive at the moment; by pushing all the blame of the affair onto you will help them both deny his sexuality and infidelity.

Your exBF has a whole load of stuff to work through, both wrt his sexual orientation, and his marriage. At this point in time, there is no hope of a relationship between the two of you. You need to walk away, and let them sort out this mess between them.

I totally get that you are immensely hurt and angry, but now is the time to act with dignity and walk away. Contacting her is an act of revenge that will do nothing but cause more pain to all parties.

You need to get some distance. Other posters have made suggestions how to do this, but blocking all means of communication would be a good start. It doesn't sound like he has done with you yet, and the onus is on you to be the adult here and walk away. This man is a mess - he clearly has major issues with his orientation but isn't ready to address these issues and wants to hang onto his gay lover whilst maintaining the pretense of a happy marriage.

Give them both space and time and concentrate on healing yourself. Access support and friendship IRL, go see a counsellor, keep posting.

Good luck x

Facebook pictures mean nothing. People can smile outside, but not inside.

Block them on FB, get a different account. Even stop using it.
And threaten him with the police if further contact occurs. You need to be tough on him. And yourself.

I think at some level you enjoy the drama of it all. Don't take this badly. I think that by walking away you feel like you are entering a vacuum of drama, which may seem empty but it's full of peace and calm. It's an environment where you can be yourself, and enjoy life. So much more worth it.

It's an addiction and you can only get rid of it by abstinence.

Well didn't meet up they were having a delivery first thing so knew she'd be up earlier. Daren't ask what probably a big bouncy new bed. So just basically said its best I leave you to it go away I've caused all the damage so what's the point - cue all the I think different, your wrong, I need you part of my life, I'm in a bad mood when your not around, I love you crap. You can't be in love with 2 people and I've accepted defeat long time ago. So as everyone advices go NC which I will do. I have done a last email just saying how I feel and how much of a monster he is not going to hold back if I do then I know there is chance of me giving in again. And I do honestly believe she is happy she has her man she's been with for 14 years he's obviously done something right and she just threatens and clings onto him for dear life why be any different.

You blaming the DW for 'threatening and clinging' makes no more sense than her blaming you for pursuing and pressurising. Meanwhile Mr MM is in the middle, pulling everyone's strings, telling everyone what they want to hear & enjoying watching two people fight over him. Not a very nice person at all - a very selfish and accomplished liar.

No contact means no contact now. 'Last e-mails' tend to turn into more 'last e-mails' if you're not careful. You have to find other things to occupy the space this drama will leave in your life, other people to talk to, places to be, activities to keep you occupied. It's a terrible thing to be used, lied to and rejected but you can and will recover if you find better things to do. And, as said earlier, don't be frightened to seek medical advice.

I said this on another thread, but every time you get the urge to contact him (even as a reply) ring someone else, a friend or relative. Or post here. There will be someone around. Just don't do it.

And a true last e-mail to him and her should simply and clearly state: don't contact me again, if you do I'll report it to the police for harassment.

No complaints and no arguments. Just the statement.

I cannot emphasise that enough (and I'll think I'll keep posting it every other post :) ). You need it for your sanity.

Don't send the e-mail Op, if you are not careful they will be reporting you for harassment...I can really see it going that way. You sound very young. You need to move on. See friends, get out there and never,ever get involved with someone in a relationship again.

Don't keep doing this to yourself!

You should be having fun. Trust me, life is short!

Why do you reserve so much hatred for his partner?
Poor woman is more if a victim than you are.
You were fucking her man, the father of her kids, threatening to change her and her kids lives and make her a single parent! Come on, can you not see why she'd be pissed off and defensive?
The fact she stays with him after all this tells me her self esteem is probably worse than yours, in fact possibly worse in knowing her partner actually prefers a man to her.
Right so now it's moving on time.
You can do it, as soon as you decide that you want to.
I found once i made that decision I coped a lot better.
Detach from it all as others have said, avoid hearing what they are doing and busy yourself with your own friends and life. It's when you have that voice in the back if your head that says "he might change his mind" that you hang on to the drama and the past and that can be addictive as it stops you facing the future.
In the meantime Mumsnet can also be a good distraction, find some of the funny threads and make friends on here, we will keep you bolsted until mr right comes along xx

I have not said that I don't deserve the crap she sends me and have never and will never play the victim. I understand what I done and totally accept what has been said. And I am far from a nasty person this is a shit pathetic situation. I think he already knows how fucked up he's made me after talking all night and asking him why he hates me so much. I will take it on the chin quite literally and cease contact. Will change my number and get my brother to take control of the email account.