Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

Cor a collie/spaniel cross, you'll have your work cut out. But will be so so rewarding.

A collie is born half trained--- a spaniel dies half trained. You will have a very interesting !!!!! time with your dog. I guarantee you will not regret your decision to bring it into your life.
My spaniel has completely changed mine for the better.
Glad you are feeling a bit cheerier

Today I went back to the solicitor to sign and agree for her to send the petition to H. I have been fannying on and finding excuses not to do things but I really felt ready today. There are no excuses.

I also discovered that H was still receiving CB for the DC. H insists this is an honest mistake but I received today at letter telling me I wasn't eligible for CB as I am not their main carer! I was going to say TBF, mistakes happen, but he has taken great pleasure in telling me how he is going through our financial status in a forensic level and taking fucking delight at cancelling Sky (for fucking cricket). He has been absorbing the CB (which fucking stupid me he told me he earned too much to apply for it. I have just been letting him do this. I am an absolute fucking mug.

I thought I had been angry. I am so fucking angry at him, this situation and fucking him. what a fucking cunt.

Hmm... he seems to be getting nasty. I am glad you have instructed your solicitor. I guess the whole process will be peaks and plateaus - sounds like you are being forced up another peak. Hang on in there.

I am so behind but am catching up. I have all paperwork here and H is in fucking Amsterdam with work. Our honeymoon destination.

Big slap today. I am going through everything on a "forensic level". I have bloody well woken up and I am not in a sunny mood. What a twat I have been. Not any more.

its good to have that bitter phase I think..I'm still going in and out of it. I thought CB was for the mum to claim? if u can afford it you will be able to get your own sky anyway with a new box and offers as I did when ex left as it was practically only thing in his name.

get all the paperwork together like u said and get on top of it.

All power to you, Alchemist. He just gets worse. Angry is good when it helps you fight this dreadful stuff he keeps dealing you.

You're not a mug, btw. You're a thoroughly decent person who trusted her H to also be a decent person. You were supposed to be a team. Only he switched sides and started playing against you instead of on your team.

How the hell is anyone supposed to get their head around that overnight? Be angry with him, and kind to yourself. None of this is your fault.

Btw, is your current solicitor a divorce specialist? Only ask as I have known people do badly in divorce settlements when they used a "general purpose" solicitor and their ex used a divorce specialist.

Alch, I'm so glad you are getting things sorted, go you!

Erm, can you explain what the feck I'm supposed to do with my brows?!

Will tell about brows another time.

Estate agent came to value house, received the draft divorce papers, call from friend to do with bullying of DS, phone call to school, visit to school, stuck up for DS and then when nearly home went to the corner shop where he was caught stealing.

Tired.

I don't like white chocolate much but as it is the only sweet stuff in the house, I have just finished 4 Milky Bars. It hasn't helped. I just feel sick now.

Did you hold in the sick?

Shit day you had there then. Tomorrow should be rosy in comparison, looking on the bright side an all that. And all the sickly white choc has gone, hurrah ;)

What is happening with DS? Stealing because of the bullying? Hope he is ok

I will never look at white chocolate again. Vile stuff.

DS is banned from the shop by me but he just said he wanted it and I would say no. Don't think it is from the bullying as DS has a condition which means he cannot process the nutrients in food as it goes through him so quickly. He can eat huge amounts of food and still be really hungry, I think he saw it and wanted it. No computer until Sunday. He does not like me .

Was in the charity shop today and got a chest of drawers and a dressing table for DD. If H asks what frivolous things I have spent "my" money on, I shall tell him. I am actually angry now and recognise it, as the earlier anger wasn't consistent. I am angry now and am resolute the DC and I will come out of this just bloody fine. Feel like sticking my tongue out and blowing raspberries. Stupid fucking man.

In other news, I am expecting a Gentleman Caller next Friday. I may need to start getting ready now... . All the best, Alchemist

A Gentleman Caller , you say? Anything you'd like to share with the group?

You can't just say that, grin and sign off

Ah, I chickened out and didn't invite my Gentleman Caller in. He was very understanding and we are going out another time.

In one of those lovely bitter-sweet moments H was working away and arrived back on the 14th to my petition for divorce. That made me happy/sad but have been down for the past week or so. I saw H on Friday when he collected the DC and I just felt so sad.

Just so very sad and have spent today just moping around, weeping a bit and then pulling myself together. It's not so much crying for him, more just sad tears. Silly sod, I do need to get myself pulled together. Anyway, won't have any face to face contact for another 2 weeks as he is away and has arranged to Skype the DC, so I don't have to talk to him either.

Suppose I am just feeling a bit lonely.

Anyway, today has not been all doom as went to see my puppy who is nearly 3 weeks old. I did not cry then .

I think I am missing H but in a "good old days" way. I have been thinking of good times over our years together but upset myself by realising the memories were from a long time ago.

Aso I think I am scared of being a lone parent which is stupid as I have been doing it but I know I have had the realisation that It is now up to me to be the parent to the DC. Scary but also a bit exciting but just feel sad. Possibly shock/adrenaline/whatever have calmed down a bit now and now with the petition given it just all seems to have been a big waste of time. But then I have my DCs who drive me mad but who I love most in the world.

Trying to be sensible about it I suppose I am just coming to terms with all the stuff which has been going on and it has left me a bit sad.

I am aching to love someone and be loved back. I think the puppy will be a hugely uplifting addition to our family. Of course, I am only doing it for the children.

I didn't think I would be posting on here again. Was going to Get On With It but I have read the thread again and, hell, I honestly don't know how I would have been able to get through it all without such kindness and advice from you all. I can also see the stages I have gone through although the posts from the early days seem like a different person.

lovely to read your updates. I have those sad tears too, sad for what was and what might have been. realised today though I'm happy in my skin. scared like you about single parent responsibility, espec financial bit. but you know what, I think we are plodding along nicely.

DD's bd next week when she shall be 8. H called today, wants to take DCs to dine with OW. To meet OW. On DD's bday.

I want to explode.

I like your updates- I always read them but I haven't posted before.

You've gone from wretched (understandably) to being quite the inspirational woman. I realise your latest update isn't the nicest one: I would too want to explode.

Keep fighting - you're doing so well.

That's awful, Alch. Truly awful. What a birthday "treat" for your poor DD, and for you. How can he be so utterly selfish? I suppose it's all part of the denial he's wrapped everything up in.

What did you say to him?

I said "fuck off" and took myself to to the wine and Lennie Cohen.

It just makes me weep. I will be ok. I fucking will.

Good, I was hoping that was your reply! Wine and LC sounds like a very appropriate response.

Yes, you will be ok. You are already dealing so well with it all, and you are clearly getting stronger all the time.

Don't know if you're in a hugs mood tonight (perhaps more of a raging fury...) but if you are, I'll happily send a classic un-MNetty one your way...

Go Alchemist! I have no words to describe your husband (don't want to swear on my very first MN post). I do think you sound like a lovely, interesting, intelligent and strong woman who will get through this. Just keep thinking about those lovely long spring/summer walks with pup, and all that unconditional love and slobbery kisses :-)

So her bd present is to get to meet the woman who her father left her mother for, really?!!

God, your X really doesn't have a clue does he?

Remember this moment, and use the anger to push the divorce through, and be glad the insensitive tw*t is no longer your problem, you, your dc and the new puppy can do better :-)