Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

I have been sitting here musing about stuff and started thinking about my clothes and whatnot. Realised I look different but not all due to the weight loss and I can't put my finger on it.

I ammore interested in how I look, although that consists of skinnies, boots, jumper and scarf atm but am feeling more comfortable in them. My fingernails have always been weak but are in nearly just right for me and strong. That's because I am using a nail treatment each night but I didn't with H as he wwould complain about the smell .

I know emotionally I have changed so much but I just can't pinpoint what has changed in my face/dressing. Probably not meaning much but now I've noticed I can't un-notice and it's nagging at me.

I can't work out if it's a positive or negative.

Am waiting for solicitor to call me back and get things going.

Just got up to make a cup of tea and when I came back to sit down, I seemed to notice the room looks different too.

Am mad for the charity shops and, it seems, over the past few months I have been buying fluffyish type cushions, have a pretend fur throw, loads more plants and smelly candles. Have got some daffs atm and they are in my favourite vase which is asparagus shaped, pretend Clarice Cliffe. But there is nothing missing which is so bizarre as H hasn't taken anything household yet. Apart from his clothes going (freeing up a wardrobe for me) there isn't really anything of H's here. It's like he never was and that is an odd feeling.

Is this me becoming me again?

AND my hyacynths (sp) are blooming and the room smells just lovely.

I will shut up now .

Waves for alchemist you sound like you are getting your shit together, good for you.
I know what you mean about house stuff. You know my X lived here for 13 years and he has left with absolutely nothing, not even most of his clothes, if he had not had some communication with DS would be like he had vanished into thin air. Good riddance I say

It does sounds like you are now becoming you once again - its so energising isn't it.

Hopefully you will be able to take up previous hobbies and contact old friends.

Also I think often when living with a very selfish person for so long, you don;t realise just how much you have adapted and shaped your life around him and his needs/wants that the real you has become submerged.

That's really struck a chord about hobbies and friends. While this is not exactly wild, a friend of mine has set up a crochet club and I am going along to it. I want to learn how to do a granny square . Still, I will never am not ready for nights out yet but a gentle morning with friends sounds nice, kind and calm. That's about right for now.

I didn't instruct the solicitor today. I think I just needed another day musing about it/everything and I am going to get back to her tomorrow.

I am completely sure divorce is the right way forward for us all.

Had an email from DS's teacher as he has been behaving badly at school. Today's email was an excellent report of his day and she said she was proud of him. So am I. DD, on the other hand, has told me she hates me. Win some, lose some.

A neighbour called round with an unworn Monsoon dress her DD just didn't like. I haven't shown DD yet as she is being such a toad but the dress is beautiful .

Think I must be feeling chatty today given how much I've posted. Best wishes to you all .

Sounds like you are having more good moments and that you are coping better with the bad times.

Have a good evening

how are you alchemist?

Hi *minime, am doing ok. Just couldn't manage to ask the solicitor to start things off. I think I just needed the week to process it all. I did need it but am contacting her tomorrow.

I don't have hopes of reconciliation, love, romance or anything from H but I just wasn't ready for that to happen last week. I am now.

Don't know how I am. Just a bit down but ok. I hope you are doing well.

Instructed solicitor today. I am on my way to being divorced and I am a wreck. Spent today just trying to tidyn up and made a nice dinner for Dc but am not on form and they know it.

I am trying to be civil when talking to H but he is so cold, not just towards me but the DC. DD cried so much after talking to him tonight. She just sobbed. Am being a bad mother but am allowing DS a night of Minecraft and he didn't want to talk to H but my poor girl, she is showing how hurt she is now. This is so horrible. Although the ager from DD was nasty this is heart-breaking. He held her first when she was born, she was his and he has hurt her so much. I fucking loathe that man.

oh alchemist I am sorry. a brave foot forward though that needed to be taken but bound to be a backward step in some ways emotionally. I'm expecting the same when I do that in the spring. but also good she is letting those emotions come out and not bottling them inside. I'm so sorry he is treating them in that way. I dont understand why some men do that to their children.

those precious memories you have are still valid and honest and the rawness of everything makes them so hard. but try and remember you were happy then. what happened now doesn't change that happiness. yes it taints it with sadness and I'm sure for that you will never forgive him, that's certainly how I feel.

keep the schools informed and take care of you. you will give them the strength to get through this. and you will get through these sad sad days. you will be happy again.

and you are so NOT a bad mother for the minecraft!

Step by step by step.

I can only empathise but I imagine that the anger you feel towards him of behalf of the kids is going to be the hardest bit to deal with. I have a friend going through the same thing and over time we have rationalised break down of adult relationships yadday yadda but she struggles to comprehend why he has shat on his kids in this way. Her H is also being an arse beyond anything she could ever envisage him capable. She thinks it is his guilt - he needs to be viscous to them (and her in particular) in order to avoid having to face up to his own guilt over the kids. The insight does not help her deal with it though.

You are doing so well Alchemist. Even though it feels at times like one step forward and two back, you are progressing. It's a bumpy road and you just take it one bite sized piece at a time.

It's mind bending how a person can do things you never thought them capable of; how the person you would have confided and sought solace in over these terrible things in your life is not only no longer there, but the actual cause of them.

I agree that there must be some deflection of guilt behind such actions. I just can't think of any other explanation.

Keep on keeping on. xx

Oh alchemist I hope you are doing well, I have been following your thread. Wishing you well.

I can only empathise but I imagine that the anger you feel towards him of behalf of the kids is going to be the hardest bit to deal with.

This is it. Exactly that.

Had a really sobering encounter today and it has really made me feel upset and shaky. Was telling a male friend that the DC will be away both Friday and Saturday this weekend and he "jokily" said "That's alright, I'll come and keep you company" along with nudges and a wink. Anyway, came home and received a text from him saying he meant it and could he come round Sat night for a cuddle? WTAF??!! No thank you.

It just made me feel sleazy. He has DP. Bloody hell, is this it?

Eewww. Narsty barstard. You didn't need that.

No, this is not it. Its another enormo-arse in the making. There are good men out there - you have just stumbled across the slimier end of the race. Keep remembering your BiL is a good 'un - there must be others.

Ah well, am off to a well-known East Sussex place by the sea on Friday or Sat (arrangements being made) and intend to have one night out and one night in. Without any "cuddles" .

You are right. There are nicer men out there but not for me atm!

I just feel so physically tired but am not sleeping well. I suppose mentally am tired too but will have to buck up. I was wondering if this is a side effect from the citalopram which I hadn't noticed until now? Whatever it is I feel like I could sleep for days but then get into bed and stare into space, so am even more tired.

Off to bed soon .

enjoy your weekend. and sod the cuddles. in time someone lovely and kind and just what you need will come along.

Well, off for a night out tonight. Stayed in last night, had a steak and a bottle of champagne all to myself. Was lovely. (The champagne was free from Waitrose for a £50 online shop. Till end of Jan I think).

But that morning I was a wreck. I had to go to the soliciors to sign some docs and I was a shaking crying mess (in the house but I "put my face on" when I go out, although sometimes I don't look much different!). Got it done and got home. DCs were picked up at 5pm and it felt alright. And as the evening went on, aided by the drink, I juyst felt alright but not just alright but alright. Anyway, I think I am trying to say I feel alright . I hope that makes a wee bit of sense!

So, tonight I am out and about and am quite looking forward to it. I hope a good weekend for all of us .

Well done for getting that morning, it will get easier as time goes on.

Enjoy your weekend!

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