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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

537 replies

Alchemist · 02/11/2013 17:50

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 09/01/2014 09:34

oh I'm so sorry alchemist your ex behaviour sounds appalling and its events like that you need for the divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

I am sorry too about the job situation. are you able to work whilst dcs are at school? could you find something else which fits in those hours? mnet local on here are looking for people to do the local pages and earn from advertising .

you dont need to rush into any decisions. you and the dcs aren't going to need to move anytime soon, he can't sell the house from under you just like that.

do you have RL support close by who could help with child care if you managed to find alternative work? Thanks

Blossomflowers · 09/01/2014 09:44

Oh honey, Keep your chin up. I know exactly how you are feeling. All I keep telling myself when I am having a "low" is "it will be better soon" it has to, can't get any worse. Think I might take a leaf out of your book and try AD's just to get over these next few months.

mrsmciver · 09/01/2014 11:59

I know how you feel. would never ever wish this on anyone. My awful advert is the cadburys retro one with Audrey Hepburn. "Moon river" is the theme tune and I can't bear to see or listen to it. It was the song for my first dance at my wedding. Every time it comes on I have to turn over. Can't stand it.
And as for being so scared of everything? Yep, I am the same. It is my children that keep me going and that is what will save you too. You cannot crumble when you have children to look after. You have to find the strength from somewhere, and I know you have it because I can hear it in your posts, even when you are so low there is still that bit of fight in you. You can do this. You have to fight him for your financial future. And yes, he is an absolute wanker! no mistake about that!

Minime85 · 09/01/2014 17:01

it will get better. there is always a solution. hope you are ok

Original poster
Alchemist · 09/01/2014 19:48

I did the most stupid thing today out of sheer clumsiness. A friend is coming over next week to teach me all about ebay, so have started going over my clothes and perfumes and aftershaves of H's which I found in th airing cupboard.

Carrying the box of perfumes down I managed to drop them and one of them shattered. Obviously it was one of H's and now the whole flaming house STINKS OF H!

Quite honestly this has made me both laugh and cry. Mostly laugh. Thehouse has been bloody freezing as had all the windows open all day. Still stinks though!

OP posts:
mrsmciver · 09/01/2014 20:16

Well at least you are laughing about it! That's a good sign.
And are you selling his stuff on e-bay? Are you able to send him a link so that he can see his stuff being sold?
Imagine him seeing his stuff getting sold right in front of his eyes!
Wonder if he would bid for them??

Original poster
Alchemist · 10/01/2014 06:39

Woke this morning to the scent of H everywhere in the house! My BIL said to think of it as a lingering scent of H and I will get used to the smell and finally one day I won't notice it and it won't matter anymore. I like that.

WRT to friends, I am still very much in the staying at home and being quiet and I tend to see people during the day. They know I am just hibernating atm and are keeping in touch with fb etc. The newish friend who helped out when I was ill doesn't know this and has taken to popping in when she is passing. She does brighten my day so I think I am about ready to think about opening up and getting out again.

I will be applying for just about everything and think I would be able to sort childcare for daytime work but I don't think I could find evening help. That's something else to think of.

Am making a list of queries for the solicitor. I'm not dreading this appointment as much, suppose after the benefits carry on I know I can do it, although BIL is coming with me basically to be my clear brain. I told H I have arranged this appointment and said he should do the same. He said "Not wasting any time eh Alchemist, can't wait to see the back of me eh?" Not wrong Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Alchemist · 10/01/2014 06:46

That comment did make me froth as I think what I used to see as confidence I now see as arrogance. A bit like when I've listened to H's choice of our song, I hear it completely differently. Lightbulbs/scales falling/etc.

OP posts:
HowGoodIsThat · 10/01/2014 06:53

(High fives) It's good to hear some of your confidence back this morning. Knowledge is power and the more you take control the better it gets. (Not to down play it being scary at times and / or weepy.)
Your H is clearly a bit rattled that you are exerting your authority on the situation. Well, good.
Starting to tell more people will help on lots of fronts.
Hope you gave a good day continuing the fumigation process Smile

CookieDoughKid · 10/01/2014 22:13

Just checking in and letting you know we are here. I hope you can relax a little bit and do something nice for yourself. You can and will get through this but just focus on getting through the weekend for now. x

Original poster
Alchemist · 12/01/2014 07:59

Morning!

I followed the list from the nice woman at benefits office and have applied for the benefits she listed. Realised I didn't have a bank account just the joint ac, so went to the bank and opened a sole ac. I know these aren't big but I have felt so numb/stuck these past few monhts that doing them has made me feel active/alive/caring about me. I don't kno w if that makes much sense but hope you see what I mean.

Physically I am much better but this has really knocked me for a while. I was at a friends for coffee on Sat and she was saying how much weight I had lost, got out her scales and, bugger me, I have lost jjust under 2 stone. I am at my fighting weight and just as well! Mentally, although I do know this can change in a minute, I am feeling just more with it and, hesitate to say it as changes so quickly, stronger.

I know what I want for my DCs and me. I know what I am prepared to compromise on. Seeing solicitor tomorrow, am nervous, but nothing like I was last week.

So, after a week of big downs and a good few little ups, I am about alright. DCs back this morning at 10am, the sky is clear and I plan to take them to the wood so we can get muddy Smile. I hope you are doing well too Thanks.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 12/01/2014 08:18

great post alchemist made me smile. I agree re bank account. made me feel in control.

I found solicitor really empowering and reassuring. lots of information so if you can take someone with u think u said bil was coming? but again really helped me to know what I needed and where I stood. hope its the same for u.

enjoy getting muddy Smile

Original poster
Alchemist · 12/01/2014 12:49

ROARS back to the thread!

When H dropped DCs back, I asked him to stay for a discussion. I was cool, calm and reasonable. Only managed a few, still calm, barbed comments. For this I am giving myself a pat on the back. DCs were all "missed you Mum" and then disappeared into their rooms for 1D DVD and Minecraft. So we I were able to talk.

I told him again about the solicitors and what I was proposing to discuss, mainly his continued payment of the mortgage and child maintenance. I have given him an idea of how much I am expecting him to pay each month and he got a twisty face. I then explained that despite looking as if I will have "loads of money" I will have bills, food, clothing, etc, etc, for the DCs and me.

I explained again that I am going for the slightly lower rate of child maintenance (number of nights, as to give him some credit, he will want to spend some holidays with the DC), so I am actually being completely reasonable and I am sure his solicitor will find the same. I have been reviewing my solicitor's testimonials and I think she will be just the ticket Smile. She looks and sounds fierce.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alchemist · 12/01/2014 13:13

Also, On-my-side BIL has told me he will front up/pay any solicitor's fees as they come up.

Do you know I am feeling quite level-headed and am having flickering bits of excitement going through me. I can see a future, I caq see the DCs being happy, I can see me being happy. I can see us settled and happy. writing that down has made me cry but I don't know why.

My BIL is an absolute star. Thanks

OP posts:
WhereMyMilk · 12/01/2014 13:45

Good luck for tomorrow! Don't forget your list, x

HowGoodIsThat · 12/01/2014 18:49

Here's to a new week - lovely to hear you sounding so strong. Tbh you made me feel a bit teary too. Hold onto that image of Settled and Happy. That's your short-term life goal right there.

MissScatterbrain · 12/01/2014 19:37

Well done - you really have come a long way.

You and DC deserve a great future of being happy and settled Smile

(can imagine his "twisty face" though Hmm )

Original poster
Alchemist · 13/01/2014 20:07

Will start with disclaimer. Am not usually drinking because I know and have felt shite afyer doing it, I am a bit pissed now.

  1. I have mentioned H's song about us a few times. I realised I don't have an our song after nearly 20 years. If anything it would be Girl Afraid by the Smiths.
  1. My dearest BIL. Have known him since was about 5-6. I was surprise baby and siblings were 15 and 16 years older. BIL has been in my life always and I am so bloody grateful for his help, love and, let's be honest, his financial support.
  1. Solicitor visit was grim but enlightening. Happily, again, BIL was with me and took much more detailed notes than I did and has sent me a précis of the meeting. I took some in but not all. As it was made clear by BIL at the 1/2 hour appointment, which actually took nearly 2 hours, he was paying and I had his full financial support for the payment of any fees.
  1. I am bloody lucky to have the support I am receiving from all different directions.

Horrible as this all is I amlucky and grateful. Thank you Thanks

OP posts:
HowGoodIsThat · 14/01/2014 08:29

Hope you don't have a Wine head this morning. Or that it passes quickly if you do.

Sounds like your BiL is a good man and throws your Enormoarse's behaviour into sharp contrast.

Keep on keeping on - and here's a Biscuit if you need the sugar pick-up!

Blossomflowers · 14/01/2014 09:54

morning alchemist nothing wrong with a few Wine sometimes. I have to admit over the past few weeks have been over indulging, tends to deaden the pain. Hope your head is not too sore today.

Sherlockholmes221b · 14/01/2014 14:59

Shame about that 20 year age gap between you and widowed BIL, he sounds like a real catch! ;-)

Sherlockholmes221b · 14/01/2014 15:02

Oops, but then again that must mean he was married to your late sister, so not appropriate, sorry Blush

Original poster
Alchemist · 14/01/2014 18:44

Oh dear Sherlock! Most definitely NOT! Grin.

I did have a sore head, have no tolerance these days and, being a biddy, last a couple of days. Sad times. I used the day to clean up and think about yesterday. I have decided to instruct my solicitor to initiate divorce proceedings tomorrow.

I shall be a gay divorcee or perhaps a glum one. Totally up to me Grin.

Feeling okish atm but will probably spend tomorrow weeping. But it is another step and, although still raw, it is the right thing.

I mean WOW. Just mind-boggling.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 14/01/2014 19:26

wow huge steps and decisions made, really positive stuff. well done on making that tough call. its all hurdles isnt it. I think I'm doing ok then start to question it all again and why he has done this too us etc.

but each backwards step seems smaller each time now. not such huge leaps they were in October and November.

really pleased to see your strong, determined posts Smile

Sherlockholmes221b · 14/01/2014 19:32

Phew, at least you gave me a grin!
My first mumsnet post ever and I disgraced myself!
I've been following your thread and I think you're amazing you've come such a long way in such a short time. You've got reserves of strength you didn't know you had. It won't be a linear line but things will, and are, getting better, I salute you.