Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

Thanks Bogey, i feel so much better now, know their family dynamics are playing out, just trying to keep my girls safe from it
Alch hope havent derailed , i hope you are feeling okay, not just okay, BRILLIANT, i feel so much for you love, im there and doing exactly what you are trying to do, just keep coping and love our DC and ourselves, lots of love and support xxxx

Thanks all and babycow! Well done!

Afraid today has just been shite. DCs at school, DS a bit brighter this morning. I phoned H and just let rip at him last night and, do you know, he had nothing to argue with. Utter twat. Texted me to say he would call DCs at 5pm today. Just as well I didn't tell them as we are still waiting.

Made an appointment with solicitor for next week and am going to the benefits office on Wednesday. Making those calls was shit. Sorry, am v down tonight, banging head due to stupid, endless weeping and snot. Just feel completely done in.

Can you run yourself a hot bath and wallow for a while? It might mean you sleep a bit better and I always feel better for a bath when I have been over-wrung out.

Its a marathon not a sprint and you need to pace yourself as much as you can.

Fwiw, I think your DS is being able to express himself in a healthy way. And he won't harm from knowing that you are also hurting but that you are all in it together. All credit to you, pet.

hope you are feeling a bit better. I hope the solicitor helps. I think it made me feel more empowered and less ashamed as I felt so ashamed initially that my ex had chosen to live on his own away from his dcs than live with me.

now I think your loss mate. I still have times where I think I wish you would just turn and say I got it wrong is there any way back. but I know he won't. I also think I'm enjoying my own space and freedom to be. my ex job meant we were ruled by his job. Stoll are re contact but at least if he is on nights now I haven't got to be arguing with my dcs to be quiet or let's go out for the day or getting dressed in the bloody dark. small things I know but I'm trying to see the positives rather than dwell on negatives.

do hope you are feeling better.

Just read your thread Alchemist. I hope you're feeling a bit better today. It will be so up and down for you but you will come through it. You're in the eye of the storm at the moment.

And, gosh, but your MIL sounds like a peach. Apple didn't fall far from the tree did it. Arsewipes. At least you'll never have to suffer another second in the company of the toxic old trout again. Silver linings and all that, eh?

Keep on keeping on lovey.

Thanks all for your kind messages. H phoned about 7pm, talked to DC and then me.

"I will see DCs once a week come hell or high water, unless something comes up". What? Like your prick? Like a night out? Orr recovering from a night out? While I do understand the nature of his work means he is away for nghts, a couple of nights or can be weeks. And he is saying he wants50/50 parenting. ODFOD. I have been accommodating for his seeing the DC but have now told him, several times, that we need to know if he can contact during the week and at the weekends. I can't do it with just an hour's notice and I also don't think its fair at all on the DC as they do ask when they are seeing H next each night. Me telling them I don't know just does not ccut it.

Rambling now but went in mad hot shower, took a sleeping tablet and went to bed by 7.45pm. I am taking it easyish today and just want to be as prepared for the benefits office tomorrow. I know very little about the system and am scared stiff. Still, have to do it.

Best wishes for a good day for all!

And, afaik, Ms Frilly Knickers has not been introduced to DC or even mentioned.

I had a call from one of his friends last week who has obviously heard/met Ms FK (was quite garbled and I am not clear if he met or just heard about her) and he is completely disgusted. He phoned to say that both him and his DW are just a call away if DC and I need any help. He told me that they will not be socialising with H any time soon and also did a really nice character assassination on H, his DB and DSis, also MIL. I did think "Oh, with friends like that..." but thoroughly enjoyed hearing it.

What is that, I think, German word I am looking for? Think it sort of means being happy at other's misfortune. Well, that but am only a little bit ashamed.

schadenfreude

I would get something official/legal sorted re child access so that everyone is clear about when this will take place, where and how etc. Stability at this stage is really important for the DC where there is so much turmoil and confusion.

Your kids absolutely need the stability of knowing where they will be and when - and he will have to take them to any social activities/clubs that fall on his nights. He has worked out that 50/50 is more than one night a week, right?! Oh yeah - "unless something comes up". Err...NO.

Will see the solicitor next week and I want this to be priority, both for DC and me.

Just had another one of those nice moments which made me smile, just little but it did make me smile.

I/we have an upright hoover with the removable cylinder and he would empty it or mention that it needed emptying. It is one of my small pleasures in life to see how much grot is collected when doing a clean . I used to get very at the emptyness but today, after being ill and Big Dog staying, the cylinder was nearly full.

This made me smile .

Just read that back and am a bit cringy but if I don't write them down, I forget. I want to remember these little things.

not cringy. honest that's all and its the small things I'm enjoying too.

re contact 50/50 means just that not one night a week?! my ex job shifts and not always predictable. I've planned out two months for him around his shifts trying to allow for roughly once a WK stay over if his shifts allow as well as pickups from school and tea at his etc. but if falls on a night dcs have clubs he is doing all that too. to be fair he is happy with whatever I suggest as does want to be co parenting not Disney dad. he also recognises his job is a huge factor so has to accept what I've done as it does give the dcs stability and some vague routine. he may be some things but at least ex is being good, so far, about dcs.

I think your ex needs a reality check and must be aiming for stability for dcs. you and them both can't live like that from one day to the next. and he must want to see them in a quality way

He wants '50/50 contact and to have them overnight once a week, unless something comes up' = he wants you to take care of them full time, with him not paying you any maintenance for it.

Yes, when hell freezes over. I think one of the priorities must be your solicitor drawing up a contact schedule with associated maintenance payments to be implemented asap. The dc, and you, need some semblance of order in your lives after the chaos he has caused.

The fuckwitt.

Well, wish me luck today as going to try and see if I can claim any benefits. A couple of friends who are on benefits have told me to be careful and to ask them questions if I have them.

I worked since leaving school and then when had DS became a SAHP, then DD came along. I have been looking for work but even when with H couldn't commit to any hours as he is here, there and everywhere.

I feel a complete failure. 45, dumped, 2 lovely DC, no idea where we will live and now I need benefits. Complete failure and disappointment to myself.

And pathetic. I am so scared of this morning.

You will be fine. Take a deep breath and hold your head high.

Not a failure. You will be the one constant provider of a home, love and time for those children. It will be a struggle (it is already). Because it's a struggle doesn't mean you've failed. The man who has deserted his responsibilities is the failure.

Got to the bneefits office for the appointment I made on Monday and was told no appointment had been made . Pathetically I burst into tears and a very nice woman sat down with me and listened to what had happened. She made me a list of what I need to do and was really kind. So, not much further forward but a little way there. Got home and have started doing what needs to be done.

Although it's not much and I am still upset (one of those days I suppose) I do feel as though I have achieved something today. A tiny step forward.

Oh dear Alchemist so sorry to hear that, you must have got yourself all prepared to deal with his and then they let you down bloody idiots. Sorry you are having a bad day. Big hugs to you. I was just about you write on my thread and saw this. Keep busy , keep focusing on the the good stuff.

Oh Alchemist I am sorry too that they couldn't help today. But tomorrow is another day and you will get another appointment and some help then. Have been lurking on your thread and admiring your strength. Have been where you are and still going through some awful stuff myself. Life can be so cruel, men can leave but we are the ones who have to deal with the aftermath. I can remember sobbing so hard when I was trying to get my tax credits sorted that they couldn't even understand me on the other end of the phone! (And the council tax and the water board and the gas and electricity!). Once you know your financial situation better than you will rest a little easier.

One step after another.

And step away from the Failure narrative. You have been betrayed and sacrificed by someone who made a commitment to you. I don't see where you have failed. You need help now, you are asking for it from all of the right places - benefits, here, wherever the help comes from, you need it.

For a long time, you have been the giver (and for your kids you still are) - for a while, you need to receive - and that is OK.

Thank you .

I was filled up with bile and hate this afternoon so decided to release it on H. I have been reading the Benefit Street threads and am reassured that most people don't believe it but, as H has always been a staunch Tory and I always staunch Labour, it felt good horrible and vindictive and satisfying to hiss at H "Such a good Tory aren't you?" amongst other things. TBF I think I was still upset about, well everything, but especially this morning but I think I actually reached H's conscience.

He phoned later and has said, although until this is legal I won't hold my breath, that he wants the DC and I to stay in the house as long as possible. I said that if he paid the mortgage and child maintenance I would, once I know what I am able to claim, take on the payments of the bills and possibly agree to a mortgage holiday for him to have some money also. This all depends on what I am allowed to claim. I really would appreciate advice on this. Does this sound reasonable? Holding on to the fact that I am seeing solicitor Monday and will talk about this, although is just a free half hour consultation. Please let me know what you think.

That sounds more than reasonable to me. But then again why should you be reasonable at all in any shape or form. See what your solicitor says and take it from there. I think you may find that you could legally stay in your house until the youngest child reaches 18 years of age. And for him to pay the mortgage on it till then. It really depends on your situation.
And honestly? sod that being reasonable, be as difficult or as awkward as you want! Why should you play ball at all? You do what feels right for you and your children.

I've held off posting since about 2am but have been up since then just doing a combo of numb then weeping then numb etc. I am so scared of just everything and just don't know how I can go on.

Sadly my boss has let me go. Was very a casual arrangement but it meant I earned £40 a week but he doesn't have the trade and is struggling himself. This break-up has been much more civilised as I will still get half price when I shop there! He is actually a good friend so felt very sorry for him as he was obviously upset saying this to me. Mind you, he came prepared with two bottles of wine. Since he was driving I managed to ake decent headway into them. Just wish it has knocked me out to sleep but no.

I am taking Citalopram and just dread to think how I would be if I wasn't. There is an adve4rt running atm which is for Haven holidays and is showing where we went on holiday last year. It shows the really nice restaurant where we had the most blazing row where he finally stood up and bellowed at me (and the rest of the patrons) "I dare you to find someone better than me, dare you". Absolute wanker and another reason to avoid adverts. And the song Echo fucking Beach.

Have a hug Alchemist - I am suspending rules for a moment - quick - no-one is looking.

One step at a time.

I must say, though, the more I hear about your Enormoarse, the less I like him - and I pretty much despised him at the off. I wouldn't trust him as far as you can spit on him - so I would hold off making any decisions about the house or mortgage holiday or anything until you have had advice.

Sounds like you could do with some RL support - is there anyone who can pop round one evening?