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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

537 replies

Alchemist · 02/11/2013 17:50

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 05/01/2014 13:00

How's things? Did you hold your nerve for NYE?!

Original poster
Alchemist · 05/01/2014 13:02

Yes I did! I got some nice food, wine and curled up with Big Dog. In bed by 10pm Grin.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 05/01/2014 13:12

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard to see this now but you do have a wonderful future ahead of you. A new future.

My dh's father was a serial womaniser. Many affairs. Dh has never held his father in high regard. The affects are lasting. My dh is now in his 30s and has an estranged relationship.relationship with his father (little respect) and also not much for his mum because she kept taking his dad back!! Dh swears he will never have an affair after seeing his mum suicidal in bed (twice and with her second husband also doing the same!!).

Keep it together because you must. Take each day as it comes and you will be stronger but know it's important to set an example to your children as they will look back and learn from it.

Ledkr · 05/01/2014 13:14

Loads of stupid stuff will trigger your emotions.
I still rage about cheating and its ten yrs later for me.
Glad yiu are doing ok.
My xh leaving me was the best thing he ever did.
I've had such a happy and fun life since its been lovely.
I m remarried but thrived as a lp too which makes me a more confident person.
How are the kids doing?

Minime85 · 05/01/2014 15:17

good about food, wine and big dog. in some ways good about the crying too as it has got to come out. I'm avoiding programmes like that and have deactivated Facebook for now as I can't stand all the happy family scenes and messages at new year or people getting so passionate about bloody football as if nothing else matters. I know they are all perfectly entitled to but I just can't stomach it at moment.

my dcs staying at their dads tonight first time stayed over since he left in Nov and I'm finding it very tough. expecting a full on meltdown later.

good about solicitor, I went just before Christmas and it really helped me know where I stand and what my options are. hope it goes well for you.

sending lots of positive vibes Thanks

Original poster
Alchemist · 05/01/2014 18:24

I hope your evening is peaceful Minime. I have become used to the DCs being away quite quickly but what I find so difficult is when they come back and are full of "Daddy this/Daddy that/Daddy said". I really have to bite my tongue so I don't spew out bile.

Mind you, it's not as if I am actually doing anything in particular on the nights they have been away. I am really nowhere near "going out" but have either been ill or have just been nice to myself. Upthread I mentioned some glittery nail polish I had bought and I was cheering to see my toenails glittering red. Tiny but a bit uplifting.

Back to school tomorrow. DS wants to stay with me but is a bit excited about going back and DD is just so nasty when speaking to me (still will not accept H has gone and I am the one keeping him away). It will do them good to get back into a routine. I think DD in particular has felt a bit passed around this holiday (staying with H/my BIL/friend) what with me being ill. They saw H on Saturday and she asked before they left if they could come home to sleep, so they did.

Thanks
OP posts:
Original poster
Alchemist · 05/01/2014 18:49

Another little thing which has made me smile is that DD brought me a glass of red wine a minute ago. Told me sternly that is all I am getting.

It's in a pint glass! Grin

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/01/2014 19:19

Could it be that STBX is telling her that he would come home but mummy wont let him? He wouldnt be the first to pass the buck like this.

Original poster
Alchemist · 05/01/2014 19:52

Do you know, I hadn't thought of that. Has anyone any suggestions on how I could dig about this rather than asking DD straight? Or would asking straight be a better option? I wonder if this is happening? He has proved himself spineless, so could be.

I'm sure you will be pleased to know I am working my way through my allowed glass of wine Smile

OP posts:
SantasPelvicFloor · 05/01/2014 19:55

Lol at the 'wine' glass. I've only just seen this thread. I remember the hurt. I still find myself sad and angry that my life is so hard because of a weak man

Original poster
Alchemist · 05/01/2014 21:16

DS just been down in floods and has spoken about he is feeling. Oh god how do I help him? He is just so confused and sad and upset. I am having a cry but not for DH but my poor children. The poor souls. One so angry and gthe other trying to be Daddy is just a little boy who is scared and so sad. This is the very worst it has been. this is foul.

Another pint of wine anyone?

OP posts:
Minime85 · 05/01/2014 21:39

oh bless you. your poor ds. I think it just needs to come out. i've been thinking today just how hard it must be for dcs to process when I sat there today and thought why and how can you be doing this to them? Sad

think dcs always worse near bedtime and at night. hopefully will be brighter tomorrow and I think mine need the routine of school etc too now.

Bogeyface · 05/01/2014 21:49

Yep, I'll join you.

As the MN saying goes, this too shall pass.

One day they will remember who was there for them, who cuddled them through it, who always had space in bed for a snuggle, who listened, who cared.

The fact that they are reacting is good, daft as that sounds. I would be far more worried if you didnt get some tears and some anger as that would mean that they are bottling it up. Hold them during the tears, keep reassuring them that you love them and be honest with them.

As for whether you should ask your DD directly, then perhaps yes you should as she is unlikely to volunteer it and he will lie. If she says something again try asking her, kindly "Did Daddy say I wont let him come home?" and if she says yes say that Daddy probably said that to protect her, but the truth is that Daddy doesnt want to come home because he doesnt love mummy anymore, but thats ok because you both still love them more than anyone else in the whole world.

If he hasnt said then the likelihood is that she is blaming you because she can, she feels safe with you because she knows you will never leave her. She cant scream at him because she is frightened he will leave her again (going away for good), you are her security, she can give you hell safe in the knowledge that all that will happen is you will cuddle her, that is the most important thing in her world right now.

Take care xx

Loggins · 05/01/2014 22:25

Oh Alch, hope you've grabbed a top up.
Bogey is so right.
It's good your DS can talk to you tears and all. He won't forget your comfort.
I think with your DD, she's still so young, I wouldn't ask any questions but maybe have a chat and try to explain the situation again as plainly as you can. If someone has been in her ear she might of confused the facts.

I take it he has kept frilly knickers from them?
Oh and do tell MIL to f off

Bogeyface · 05/01/2014 22:30

I should add that my kids behave impeccably when with Ex, to the point where he flatly refuses to accept the misbehave at home and does not support any discipline (removed ipods, PC time etc) when they are with him. They dont misbehave because they see him2 days a fortnight and are frightened to anger him incase they dont see him at all. Me? I get the lot! Screaming shouting tantrums etc, because they trust me to always be there and I always am.

Bogeyface · 05/01/2014 22:31

Oh and I wouldnt be able to hold back the next time MIL deigned to get in touch by saying "You must be so proud! Like father like son eh?" and put the phone down on the fucking bitch!

babycow38 · 05/01/2014 23:01

Hey Alch, havent posted since before xmas but have kept hoping you were okay and checkking in , how many Mums do this, prob loads xxx You are fucking brilliant and i do NOT swear mostly , but you need to know you are xxx I have had a surreal xmas ,DX has had the girls, pretending to his family he does not really have OW ,he is wounded because nasty me moved out and left him, took the girls and left him bereft, yes that was the word his Mum used !!!! He is feeling so sorry for himself because i presume OW dumped him as soon as she knew he was free, i moved out and told her she was absolutely fine to have him, he picks the girls up now with a hangdog, im so sorry for myself face, its funny, except it was not funny for me the last few months, i have got stronger and can now go FUCK YOU , it feels brilliant, hope all the brilliant ladies who have been through this will feel this one day, it is awsome, frees you up, and lets you move on xxxxmuch love

Bogeyface · 05/01/2014 23:06

Baby have you ever said to his mum "Do you know the reason I left was because he was having an affair? No? Well thats why. I didnt stop loving him, I didnt hurt him, I did nothing but be good and kind and loving to him, he paid me back by having sex with another woman. Just thought you should know"

I would!

Bogeyface · 05/01/2014 23:07

In fact, I did!

babycow38 · 05/01/2014 23:25

Oh yes, get that with DD , they bake cookies with dad now !! wtf , he goes all out to make his time with them great, BUT ,i know it will not last, i will have to be there to pick the pieces up when another woman/girl turns his head, my girls think he is the best dad at tho moment, i knew him when he came in from work and dissapeared for the night and never bothered if they existed, it makes you crazy but i am wise to it now , I AM THE ONE WHO STAYED, who held them, who comforted them, who got them up for school, who will do it forever .

babycow38 · 05/01/2014 23:31

Bogeyface, yes i did love, but got back , he is hurt, you were not there for him, you were too much for your daughters, i had the wise words that if you love your children too much your husband wll be jelous , im soooo sorry , if that man was half the man i thought he was he would have embraced the fact i was a fabulous mum to his chldren, and i did give him a of time, i just lost myself xxx

Bogeyface · 05/01/2014 23:42

Wow. So she is basically a bitch that sacrificed her relationship with her children at the altar of her husband? No wonder your ex was such a failure as a spouse with her as an example.

babycow38 · 05/01/2014 23:55

Hi Bogey, his mum was a nightmare as a mum, went out with other men when her / my ex as a boy , was little, screwed around ,went clubbinng, all the rest., she screwed him up, but she still acts like she is the Matriach, i have done nothing like that, was in fact honest and true , that is what hurts, he hates his mum for what she did, i never did it , HE DID xxx go figurexxx

babycow38 · 06/01/2014 00:05

Bogey, just sent that messege to MIL , i dont know what i will experct,prob nothing. but i am glad i did xx

Bogeyface · 06/01/2014 00:11

:) Go you!

The reason she hates you is because she is seeing the devastation her "parenting" did to her son via what he has done to you and your DC. The truth hurts.

Tbh you will probably get nothing back, or at best you will get abuse, but you and she (and he) will know that you speak nothing but the truth. And as I said, that hurts. In fact I would be inclined to send that to her if she does respond with abuse "The truth hurts doesnt it?" but that depends on whether you are happy to burn bridges.

Good for you!

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