Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, I've boxed myself into a corner ...

78 replies

alittlehelpneeded · 02/11/2013 12:46

... and I don't know how to get out.

I'm fairly certain my DH is having an affair. But I have no proof, just a gut feeling. We have been together for 14 years. My suspicions are:

  • he has passworded his phone - he has never done this before. I picked it up (pre any inklings) and he said: "I've put a lock on it! Can you guess it?" He always uses the same code - so I said yes and he said: "Right, I'm going to have to change that." But I wasn't really paying attention so I didn't think anything of it.
  • He accidentally texted me with a "hi, it's me." message when he was out watching our 6 yr old at rugby.
  • He's got a big ol' dose of mentionitis about this woman he works with - he showed me her picture on his phone. Personally, I don't have pictures of one of my male coworkers on my phone.
  • He's bought condoms which he put in the bathroom cabinet drawers without comment? I found them and there are fewer now than when I first saw them.

But stupidly, because of my deep seated fear of confrontation - I haven't said anything. Just withdrawn from the whole scenario and have been sulky and not talking to him. How juvenile and stupid is that? It's learned behaviour (from my mother - and I vowed never to do it myself, but look at me, now).

I don't want to confront him. I don't want to know. I want to bury my head in the sand. But I can't. Because this atmosphere of hidden resentment and anger is not something I want my children to be around. Because it's eating me up. So, what do I do now? He won't admit it, because, well, he just won't. I don't know what to do next.

Sorry for the essay. What's a good next step? I can't see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
RevelsRoulette · 02/11/2013 12:48

If you had proof, what would you do?

myroomisatip · 02/11/2013 12:49

It is really hard when you don't 'do' confrontation but, short of a Private Investigator' I think it is the only way to go.

So. Ask him for his phone and for the password. If he refuses then tell him that you longer trust or respect him and to leave! :(

WallyBantersJunkBox · 02/11/2013 12:52

Well you can bury your head and let him have an affair if you want. But i don't see how that will help your self worth or give you the marriage you deserve.

Will you feel safe and secure wondering where he is at every given moment, and whether he will come home one day and tell you it is all over? Or will you feel sick with worry and start slowly losing your sanity.

I'd start by removing the condoms, and having a conversation about them. Why has he bought them? How come there are fewer there than last week?

It's a sick joke about you knowing the phone code, and talking up this woman. It shows such disrespect for you, it actually makes me feel a bit sick.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 12:54

I honestly think the condoms ARE kind if proof enough.

I'm so sorry :( you must be hurting so much.

What do you want to happen? Would it be a deal breaker? Or would you hope to work through it, counselling etc?

Original poster
alittlehelpneeded · 02/11/2013 12:54

If I had proof? I would make him leave so that I could think clearly.

The password seems key to this whole thing. I hate it. It's so dramatic and OTT. I'm none of those things.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 12:55

If you re-read it its like he wants you to find out...who is so thick they keep condoms in the bathroom??? He's not very good at the deceit is he?!

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 12:57

I think in that case you should confront...the condoms thing needs an explanation. If you're not satisfied with the response then ask for time apart so you can clear your head.

Any other peculiar behaviour? Are you having the same sec life? Affection?

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 12:58

So you and he don't use condoms, he brings home a box and now there are fewer there?

He doesn't even have enough respect to hide the bloody things!

You do have proof. The missing condoms are all the proof you need.

Tell him to leave so that you can think clearly.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang · 02/11/2013 12:59

What do you think he would say if you asked him about the condoms?

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 13:00

I agree. Exactly what imperial said.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 13:00

You've really only got two choices. Say nothing, do nothing and prefer not to know ... it's a valid choice and a surprising number of people go for it. Or.... say something and judge him on his response. When you've lived with someone for 14 years, you know when they're lying. Sorry you're in this situation.

LemonDough · 02/11/2013 13:00

I think he wants you to confront him! He's testing you.

clam · 02/11/2013 13:03

So, he's taunting you with a newly-passworded phone. He's gone out of his way to show you a photo of a woman at work who he is mentioning a lot. And he has put CONDOMS in your bathroom cabinet when you don't even use them?

Short of bringing this woman home and shagging her on your sitting room floor in front of you, how much more plain can he make it? Does he WANT to be found out? What sort of bastard is he?

LittleBairn · 02/11/2013 13:03

I agree he wants you to find out he's mentioned the password even made it clear he didn't want you to be able to get into it and is now buying condoms.
If he won't admit it and you won't do anything without proof then hire a PI or follow him yourself.
When does he have opportunity to have an affair?

DorothyBastard · 02/11/2013 13:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Like you said, you don't want to repeat the behaviour you witnessed from your mother, and you don't want a toxic environment around your children.

You have two options: ignore it or speak to him. If you ignore it things will fester and the atmosphere will get worse. And your relationship won't recover. If you confront him you will be able to take control of your future.

Couldn't you just ask him for the code for his phone? Explain that it has made you nervous that he has something to hide, and assuming he doesn't then you would expect him to give you it so you can reassure yourself.

RevelsRoulette · 02/11/2013 13:05

Well, since you don't want to confront him, it's going to be difficult. password protecting his phone, having a picture of this woman on his phone and disappearing condoms are suspicious but if you don't feel able to ask to see his phone, or to ask him to explain the missing condoms, then it's going to be more difficult for you.

I can tell you what I'd do, and it's not the sort of thing most people would do and I am sure it is not the most sensible course of action, but I'd ask him about the condoms and when he denied anything I'd say oh, good, because I had a moment of madness about it and I stuck pins through all of them (I wouldn't have). and watch the look on his face. Because that moment of shock and surprise can tell you a lot.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 13:05

Is there any relevant background info to this? Have you split before? Has he got form? Could he be trying to tell you he wants out but doesn't know how? Do you have good communication?

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 13:09

By the way...I saw on another thread that condone have a 3 year best before date on them. So if they've been bought this year, the date will obviously be 2016...

That will tell you if they're new so he can't bullshit you with "they were an old packet I found in a bag..."

Original poster
alittlehelpneeded · 02/11/2013 13:12

I know I have to do something. But it's so horrible. And it will only get worse.

I'm so tired. Of this. Of him. Of everything.

Our youngest child is nearly 2. He resigned from his job without telling me and decided to be a SAHD without any discussion. He works at a bar 3 evenings a week.

I work at a stupidly intense and high powered job. I come home, late, and pick up stuff. The children haven't had dinner. I have to cook for them every night. I am working out how to batch cook at the w/end so they get proper food. The dishes are not washed from breakfast. I have to put the washing on. I ask him why and he shrugs.

I am failing. With the children - with my work - with my life.

I don't know how to cope.

OP posts:
CherryColl1ns · 02/11/2013 13:13

So - he had bought condoms and has pics on his mobile of a woman at work and you still feel you require proof?

notapizzaeater · 02/11/2013 13:13

I'd have to have it out with him, does he normally mess with your mind ?

The doubting is the worse bit.

SanityClause · 02/11/2013 13:13

Do what Revels said! Grin

CherryColl1ns · 02/11/2013 13:14

Ah you've posted about him before haven't you ?

WireCat · 02/11/2013 13:15

I'd start by taking away the condoms.

SanityClause · 02/11/2013 13:18

Okay, x-posted.

Being a SAHP involves doing the household work, while the wage earner is out earning money. Of course, when you get in, you should do your share, but imagine if a woman was a SAHM, and did SFA while her DH was at work, what people would think.

You do have a major issue, though, in that he would be perceived as the main carer, if you split.

He sounds like an absolute cocklodger, and is rubbing your nose in the fact that he is having an affair!

Swipe left for the next trending thread