So, I've boxed myself into a corner ...

[alittlehelpneeded]

... and I don't know how to get out.

I'm fairly certain my DH is having an affair. But I have no proof, just a gut feeling. We have been together for 14 years. My suspicions are:

• he has passworded his phone - he has never done this before. I picked it up (pre any inklings) and he said: "I've put a lock on it! Can you guess it?" He always uses the same code - so I said yes and he said: "Right, I'm going to have to change that." But I wasn't really paying attention so I didn't think anything of it.
• He accidentally texted me with a "hi, it's me." message when he was out watching our 6 yr old at rugby.
• He's got a big ol' dose of mentionitis about this woman he works with - he showed me her picture on his phone. Personally, I don't have pictures of one of my male coworkers on my phone.
• He's bought condoms which he put in the bathroom cabinet drawers without comment? I found them and there are fewer now than when I first saw them.

But stupidly, because of my deep seated fear of confrontation - I haven't said anything. Just withdrawn from the whole scenario and have been sulky and not talking to him. How juvenile and stupid is that? It's learned behaviour (from my mother - and I vowed never to do it myself, but look at me, now).

I don't want to confront him. I don't want to know. I want to bury my head in the sand. But I can't. Because this atmosphere of hidden resentment and anger is not something I want my children to be around. Because it's eating me up. So, what do I do now? He won't admit it, because, well, he just won't. I don't know what to do next.

Sorry for the essay. What's a good next step? I can't see the wood for the trees.

I haven't, CherryColl1ns, no. Posting now feels like a failure, but also quite liberating. It is shit, isn't it? It's not normal. I do deserve better. And he's got a lot to answer for.

Even if you do say something get ready for ' I fancied a posh wank ' BS story .
Its the phone . Its always the bloody phone .
YY to the shelf life thing stamped onto them. They wont be his , he willl be looking after them for a mate or coworker or some other lie.
Is getting hold of the phone bill and option ? Could you not create a situation where you have to use his phone ( dont charge yours ) then either subtly get the pin code or simply check his sent texts . If hes driving then he wont be able to do much . You can guage his response as to whether he has something to hide.
sounds awful
dont do anything rash and try and wait , so many on MN have confronted and wished they had waited till it was undeniable
good luck , keep your dignity whatever happpens.

Op, you have to be careful here as I presume he is now the main carer?

About his job- is he getting another one? What is he doing all day? Childcare? Meeting up with her? Inviting her round your house? Is that why the condoms are handily in the cupboard?

Money- assume he is now being very frugal as he has no earnings and you do. If you have a joint account keep an eye on it, same with any joint cc.

Its dreadful he resigned - was he sacked though? It sounds very stressful for you. And he should be helping you which I am sure you know. He sounds like a shit lodger at the moment.

Do you love him and do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If not, post on legal board about implications of sahd and divorce, maybe you need a nanny instead. Or an au pair girl.

Oh god - it sounds like an awful awful situation. I felt panicky reading your last update so goodness knows how you feel.

If he is having an affair and you were to end the relationship, what do you think his plans would be regrading the house/children? Is concern about this, him being reliant financially on you and being the SAHP clouding the issue/making you more cautious about actually getting to the bottom of things?

I definitely think you have to get hold of his phone. Agree with previous poster who said one way is to borrow it, ask for pass code because you need to use it. In car is a food option.

You've had some quite big changes in your relationship with him giving up work and becoming a stay at home dad. It doesn't sound like this transition has been managed that well by either of you. Roles haven't been well defined etc. If you really don't want to confront him about this (potential) affair would you feel more comfortable tackling these?

Apart from the job stuff have there been other changes? ie did your sex life change at some point? Sitting down and reassessing where your relationship is, how family chores are divided, time spent with children etc, finances, and how you both feel about each others' roles etc. It might bring up interesting points where either or both of you feel dissatisfied. Within that discussion you could bring up how you wouldn't want each other to grow apart or that you are worried if your marital relationship suffers one of you might have an affair. You could also suggest within this that counselling might be an idea.

Oh....right. He sounds like a wanker op.

You deserve better.

Do not think you've failed! The fact you're surviving in a fucking dire situation days a lot about your strength.

Yes, he's the main carer so could become tricky to leave. However, doesn't sound like he'd actually want to have the dc full time- if he can't bloody do the breakfast plates!!!

Has he got an I phone??
Somebody put on a thread the other day that if u call his I phone from your phone and answer it, it'll then allow you into messages.

Works at a bar....sounds like he's having a mid life crisis and thinks he's 18 again...

As somebody upthread mentioned: do you know for sure that he resigned from his job? Could he have been sacked? The situation there sounds dodgy to me, especially if it came out of the blue.

Agree about seeing a solicitor ... how long has he been SAHD? Maybe if he fell into it simply through resigning or being sacked, and you can somehow prove you do all the cooking / cleaning etc, courts might favour you? Worrying though .... I'm not sure at all about that.

Sorry to say it, but he has absolutley no respect for you. Leaving his job, doing absolutley no housework or even feeding his own children, buying condoms and putting them where you'll find them.

I think you should go and speak to a solicitor about what would happen if you separate because you should get out of this relationship. (unless he's willing to change hugely, into a different person)

U ok op?

Are you at the stage of leaving do you think?

Have you confronted the lack of work he does indoors? Did you tell him your thoughts on him being a sahd?

It's an awful thing to say, but if I hired a f/t nanny, I would be better off. Right now, I do it all. School stuff - I was questioning my life/sanity at 3 am as I mixed Nigella Lawson's fricking chocolate cherry cupcakes; I wanted the boy know that his mama contributed to the school fair. I already have a nanny to pick up the oldest after school and look after the younger ones. DH feels it is too much and also has to leave for the bar.

I don't know. I need to evaluate my choices. Why am I here? Working all the hours that God sends and cooking; cleaning; homeworking; nappy changing; baking; running, running, running to keep up.

Right, so can you afford to pay for full time childcare on your salary?
If so, and you do want out then perhaps you can do this as part of your exit plan?

Honestly, I've felt the same as you...it's so much easier to do evertything yourself when you haven't got a "partner" doing fuck all, contributing nothing and stressing you out.

Do you really want to still be in this relationship?

I'd start with a diary of a typical week. What you do, what he does.

The affair thing is just another example of his disrespect for you really.

If you want to be with him, you could ask him to leave on a view to giving him a shock and see if he'll change his behaviour when he feels the loss....

Exactly. Why are you doing it? And you know why nothing's done in the house? Because he's chasing other women.

Listen to me: you are paying for him to shag other women.

Tell him to get out. That's the best way. None of this, he's the SAHD and gets to have the kids and the house. Tell him to get out, take a few days off work and in that time arrange for a nanny to take over the day time role. You will find your life is much, much better.

He's horrible and he's using you and he's laughing at you. Ugh, get rid.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to hold the condoms in your hand and wait til the kids are in bed before saying 'can we have a talk about these?' .. And leave it up to him to fill the space with his explanation... You're not imagining things, they are real and in your bathroom. Hmm not nice

Hire the full-time nanny.

Tell him to get a fucking day job the lazy, skiving bastard.

And see a solicitor IMMEDIATELY about how to get this cheating, cocklodging fucker out of your house.

You have to be very careful asking him to leave... As the primary carer (I know you do most of the work but court would see him as such) he may get residential custody.

You would then have to pay maintenance to support him and the kids.. I would get him back in work ft before u kick him out!

And make it very clear to your legal representative that he is NOT a SAHD, just a man who quit his job against your wishes and who does not provide adequate care for his children.

The affair seems quite mild compared to the fact that he is blatantly taking the piss out of you in all other ways, too. Clearly he knows that you fear confrontation and that he can push things to the absolute limit without you being able to tackle things.

Although you do appear to have a problem with regards to him being the primary carer, I very much doubt he would want to do it full-time, as he actually would have to feed them, wash their clothes etc. I'd offer 50:50 and let him fall over himself to negotiate it down.

You want to avoid being your mother - well, that means being brave and facing up to the situation calmly and rationally. You can ignore the affair if you want to - people have done it since time began. But you will burn out from trying to manage a stressful job with inadequate back-up at home.

I bet he won't want to be a SAHD.

He's not taking care of the children at all.

You could still ask for 50/50, as he won't be able to have them with him 3 nights a week. Insist on weekends, as you work long hours.

If you have witnesses that he won't cook the children dinner, doesn't pick them up, etc, he's less likely to be allowed to have them for more than the 50%.

What on earth are you doing with this man? He sounds more and more like a cocklodger, who may well shagging this woman and others at work.

Just thinking, the condoms in the house may indicate they're being used in the house. If he was using them in the car or at a woman's house wouldn't he keep them out of your house?

I'd check the bins and I'd be thinking of putting a web cam in my bedroom.

Do you think he would he get custody? Really? I work stupid hours, but I manage them. I have a nanny; I work from home during the evening - I cook and clean for the children and I play with them. I do homework with the oldest as I can; if I miss his bedtime - we do it in the morning. I go to all the school stuff. Oh god - I'm panicking. I can't lose my children to him - he doesn't do half of what I do. He would not want them, except to spite me. Is that even a possibility?

Ah, you have a nanny. So he really is doing jack shit, isn't he?

I would talk to a solicitor, I think you have a reasonable case for saying you are the primary care-giver of the two parents. Could the nanny not cook a meal for the kids before he/she leaves?

OK think about it. He works three nights a week when the nanny cares for the children. He doesn't do anything with them - aren't they in school? So two nights a week he is supposed to care for them and he doesn't give them their dinner. Is that right, or does he work weekend nights?

This is where the 50-50 thing is so crap.

How old are your children, OP?