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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, I've boxed myself into a corner ...

78 replies

alittlehelpneeded · 02/11/2013 12:46

... and I don't know how to get out.

I'm fairly certain my DH is having an affair. But I have no proof, just a gut feeling. We have been together for 14 years. My suspicions are:

  • he has passworded his phone - he has never done this before. I picked it up (pre any inklings) and he said: "I've put a lock on it! Can you guess it?" He always uses the same code - so I said yes and he said: "Right, I'm going to have to change that." But I wasn't really paying attention so I didn't think anything of it.
  • He accidentally texted me with a "hi, it's me." message when he was out watching our 6 yr old at rugby.
  • He's got a big ol' dose of mentionitis about this woman he works with - he showed me her picture on his phone. Personally, I don't have pictures of one of my male coworkers on my phone.
  • He's bought condoms which he put in the bathroom cabinet drawers without comment? I found them and there are fewer now than when I first saw them.

But stupidly, because of my deep seated fear of confrontation - I haven't said anything. Just withdrawn from the whole scenario and have been sulky and not talking to him. How juvenile and stupid is that? It's learned behaviour (from my mother - and I vowed never to do it myself, but look at me, now).

I don't want to confront him. I don't want to know. I want to bury my head in the sand. But I can't. Because this atmosphere of hidden resentment and anger is not something I want my children to be around. Because it's eating me up. So, what do I do now? He won't admit it, because, well, he just won't. I don't know what to do next.

Sorry for the essay. What's a good next step? I can't see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/11/2013 14:27

You need legal advice.

It sounds like this man is abusive and has been for some time.

Get all your ducks in a row so that there is no way he can claim to be the children's primary carer.

You need to make the case that you are their ONLY carer and ONLY provider and that he is a total fucking waste of space.

Which shouldn't be hard, since it's true.

DifferenceEngine · 02/11/2013 14:27

The phone might be a red herring, if its an iPhone. I was suspicious as dh has put a password on his ipad, till I did my iOS update. It does practically force you to password protect.

But all the other stuff.... What a tosser. Even if he isn't having an affair, he is being a total cocklodger.

Not On.

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 14:28

OP, excuse the question, but do you and he use condoms?

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 14:29

Don't panic op....

Get legal advice
X

SanityClause · 02/11/2013 14:29

If you are thinking of splitting - and it sounds like you are - get legal advice. Post in legal, about it, perhaps.

If there is a f/t nanny, perhaps he would not be deemed as the main carer, because he couldn't be deemed to be doing any caring, while a paid professional was there, surely?

But I don't know, so I think you need to tread carefully on this.

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 14:29

"Even if he isn't having an affair..."

How on earth can the condoms be explained away?

Branleuse · 02/11/2013 14:29

hes trying to get a reaction out of you, by leaving obvious clues to having an affair.

This doesnt mean he is or he isnt, but he is definitely trying to upset you

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 14:30

Or, Branleuse, he just doesn't care what the OP thinks or does. He feels in control.

Junebugjr · 02/11/2013 14:36

Get a free half hour with a solicitor OP. a nanny is already in place so you already have some sort of evidence that you are managing both the house and the children's care. Could you ask the nanny to assume more responsibility, like making the evening meal, bathing the youngest ones etc, so this reflects infact he does zero childcare, this in turn hopefully can be used as evidence.
If you do want this parasite out of your life, you have a good opportunity now to set up a good support network around you, and gather evidence of his ineffectual cocklodging so you can be in a good position for primary caregiver, if u do end it.
Try posting on the Legal section of mumsnet for advice about this.

Original poster
alittlehelpneeded · 02/11/2013 14:39

OK - I'm going to take a breather, because all this custody talk is freaking me the fuck out.

My children are 6, 3, 1.

He looks after them, but our nanny helps out for 25 hrs a week.

I've forgotten about the affair stuff, because CUSTODY. I can't think straight . They won't stay with him. That's never going to happen.

I am going to do some research and figure out my options because God knows - I am and will always be the main carer - irrespective of working patterns.

OP posts:
ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 14:45

OP, that's why I think it's easier if you throw a fit, throw the condoms at it him and kick him out, rather than just telling him you want a divorce.

See a solicitor. Get a webcam for your bedroom - ask if you need to know where to get that. Stay calm; he's not going to want custody anyway.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 14:45

Please don't panic.

Just do your research...you have a nanny and do most of the work. Just because he's given up (or lost?) his job does not mean he's the main carer. If you can, maybe start paying the nanny to do more hours...sounds like you need more help anyway.

I also don't think, from the man you've described that he would WANT custody...he sounds too lazy.

Please don't panic....

BillyBanter · 02/11/2013 14:45

There is a thread at the moment started by a woman having an emotional affair whose husband has found out, he works full time she works during school hours. I will say the same as many have said here.

Time with the children starts at 50/50. It doesn't matter if one person had an affair. It's about the children's right to have a relationship with their parents. You can agree to whatever split you like between you or you can take it to court if you don't agree. If you do 50/50 he may step up as a parent or he may back off and leave you to have them most of the time because he can't be bothered. He may press to have the majority of residency as he is officially a SAHD without much income of his own. He may choose to start working FT again.

Also I don't really hold with the assumption that men are just having a laugh at their partners. He may be flailing about not really knowing what he's doing. I don't really think it's appropriate to state what is going on in the head of someone who has not given their side of the story. I'm not sure it's relevant. You need to come to a decision about what you want.

Whatever your situation you probably have some uncomfortable conversations ahead of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 14:47

Please don't worry about custody. You have very young children who need their mother. The norm post split is some form shared parenting and, given how little he actually does, I doubt he'll even request 50/50 let alone custody. A short appointment with a good solicitor would put your mind at rest.

MrsWilliamBodie · 02/11/2013 14:48

I think some careful planning would be prudent. There's no harm in planning for the worst case and presuming he will behave spitefully - he's not exactly behaving well now, is he?

You're not in danger of physical harm (as far as we can tell from your posts), so biding your time and getting a smart exit strategy in place won't hurt.

Good luck.

tribpot · 02/11/2013 14:49

I think it might be a good thing that you're focusing on the bigger picture. I do think as you have revealed more in the course of this thread you have less to worry about with regards to custody than was suggested by your initial post.

I suspect he knows that there's at least a chance he could get custody of the kids, and is counting on that to keep you compliantly handing over the cash and paying for other people to perform his duties at home. So get your ducks in a row on that score first, and then you will know what options you have.

I would be tempted to ramp up the level of support you have at home if you can afford it. Get the nanny to do an extra hour a day to cook the tea. Cut yourself some slack and stop baking for the school - I proudly take in my shop-bought buns and I couldn't give a fuck if they aren't as good as the other mums'. This man is a write-off. All you need to figure out now is your best exit strategy - and you will need energy, as well as courage. You need as much support as you can get as this guy is like a bloody barnacle.

YesterdayI · 02/11/2013 14:53

I don't know if you have changed some of your personal details as they are quite identifiable?

Confused
Original poster
alittlehelpneeded · 02/11/2013 15:00

CogitoErgoSometimes thank you - that was very helpful, my brain is running away with me. I am hurtling towards worst case scenarios.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 15:06

That's why you need proper information. I realise the situation is very upsetting but it seems clear from what you've written that he's taking you for a fool.

Lavenderhoney · 02/11/2013 16:00

Don't panic op, see a solicitor first

Is he at home with the nanny? Does he get on with her? Don't tell her anything in case he asks her what's going on if he has noticed anything.
He's not keen on her as well is he?

Start to extricate yourself anyway, open a single account, no joint credit cards, go through paperwork, stop paying his bills, phone etc.

Do you have an overbearing, outspoken mother or relative you could ask to come and stay for a few months? ( doesn't have to be that long in reality) Because that might drive him mad all day and he could say to you she goes or I do...

WithRedWine · 02/11/2013 22:14

YY, hire a nanny and 'sack' him as sahd. Write a long letter explaining your decision & keep a copy for when you see the solicitor. Leave it long enough to gathet all the evidence & so the SAHD period is long gone, so he can't claim to be the main carer.

Actually, if you have the money, hire a professional to do the snooping for you. Make it watertight.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/11/2013 22:20

Op...I hope you're ok.

X

WearingAnUmbrellaHat · 03/11/2013 10:29

Could u anonymously call his phone, distract him when he puts it down after realising there is no-one on the end of the phone so the lock doesn't go on and then nab it. Might take a couple of goes. You need to see those messages and as long as you are doing something, scrolling etc the phone won't lock.

WearingAnUmbrellaHat · 03/11/2013 10:30

Could be hard if he keeps a very tight hold on it. Hope my idea made sense.

Vivacia · 03/11/2013 10:39

That's given me an image of the OP phoning her husband from a secret phone number in the next room and then dashing back in when he picks it up to try to quickly snatch it from him. And this might take a couple of attempts if he holds on to it too tightly!!