So, I've boxed myself into a corner ...

[alittlehelpneeded]

... and I don't know how to get out.

I'm fairly certain my DH is having an affair. But I have no proof, just a gut feeling. We have been together for 14 years. My suspicions are:

• he has passworded his phone - he has never done this before. I picked it up (pre any inklings) and he said: "I've put a lock on it! Can you guess it?" He always uses the same code - so I said yes and he said: "Right, I'm going to have to change that." But I wasn't really paying attention so I didn't think anything of it.
• He accidentally texted me with a "hi, it's me." message when he was out watching our 6 yr old at rugby.
• He's got a big ol' dose of mentionitis about this woman he works with - he showed me her picture on his phone. Personally, I don't have pictures of one of my male coworkers on my phone.
• He's bought condoms which he put in the bathroom cabinet drawers without comment? I found them and there are fewer now than when I first saw them.

But stupidly, because of my deep seated fear of confrontation - I haven't said anything. Just withdrawn from the whole scenario and have been sulky and not talking to him. How juvenile and stupid is that? It's learned behaviour (from my mother - and I vowed never to do it myself, but look at me, now).

I don't want to confront him. I don't want to know. I want to bury my head in the sand. But I can't. Because this atmosphere of hidden resentment and anger is not something I want my children to be around. Because it's eating me up. So, what do I do now? He won't admit it, because, well, he just won't. I don't know what to do next.

Sorry for the essay. What's a good next step? I can't see the wood for the trees.

Going back to an earlier post about keeping condoms in the bathroom...there are two other possibilities. One is that they could belong to the nanny if she is in your home. And the other, I hate to say, but is it a POSSIBILITY that something is happening between him and the nanny?

Really sorry to raise this, it's just, with all the talk of raising her hours, I'd hate for it to backfire. Could you innocently ask her about the condoms? It's more than likely nothing to do with her, but perhaps she has seen other things herself but hasn't known how to tell you and this would give her the opportunity?

I'm sorry you're going through this
In my opinion it sounds like he Wants you to find out. Telling you there's a lock on his phone and he need to change it. Showing a picture of the woman and having condoms in the family bathroom that are disappearing id say the condoms alone are enough proof. Maybe he wants to be confronted?
I'm sorry
Hope you can get through this x

Tbh, I wouldn't bother with any finding out. You know enough already. It will drive you mad and affect your work - I don't get the feeling you have time for this shit.

See a solicitor. Make sure its a good one. Follow instructions.

Keep your cards very close to your chest. Don't trust anyone.

Condoms - ask him what they are doing in the bathroom. Ask the nanny as well. Bin them anyway. I assume you aren't still sleeping with him?

Slowly undo any financials that are joint and take a look at the mortgage, and don't pay from the joint account if he isn't working. It should be clear he is not contributing anymore.