Emotional Abuse - what was your tipping point?

[Stuckunderababy]

Hi,long time lurker, first time poster.

I don't want to go in to the detail of my relationship on here, it would take too long, but suffice to say we've been together a long time, and have two small children. I love him very much and he's a great dad. When it's great it's great, when it's bad it's horrible.

He is verbally and emotionally abusive and quite controlling. He admits he has an issue, wants to change, will seek help etc, but hasn't as yet.

We've been trying to work through our issues and while I to the most part have stuck to my side, his (to get counselling) has not yet been touched. While I've stuck to my side (mostly to do with being better organised domestically, some of which I think he had fair comment about although not in the way he chooses to comment iyswim) things have been a lot better. Not great but better.

But today after a few days of bad illness when things have slipped at home I've had it with both barrels again. There's too much detail to go into, including issues with my family that we both have but I don't confront for a variety of reasons but suffice to say I feel like I have suddenly realised this won't ever change. I don't want that life for me, as much as I love him, but I don't want to break my kids away from their dad.

Can it ever change? We used to be so great together. And I guess I wanted to know, for those that have left an EA relationship, what was the tipping point for you?

Feel like my heart is breaking and I have no where to turn.

I've just left, if you want read my threads from the past week.

the tipping point was he told me I was fat (size 10) and that I should tone up.
not the worst thing he has said but I snapped back saying 'if you don't like it someone else will!'
I was right, someone else WILL, and I am not prepared to be miserable.

it is oh so hard. but do it.

Realising I couldn't protect the children.

And realising I didn't really know who I was any more.

And positively, realising that away from him I could rediscover myself and the DCs would be able to get to know the real me. And have time and space away from him, to help them process stuff.

We separated five months ago and since then my DCs have had more time with him than the paltry amount they had to make do with before. So I don't feel I've broken them away from their dad at all, quite the opposite.

I also lost myself Charlotte

I don't think I'll find myself until I'm truly on my own (still in the same house)

it makes me sad to think about who I used to be because I miss that person.

I am still embarrassed by the person I used to be and feel inadequate. That's the effect of years of EA and I've only been in my own place for 4 weeks. Those 4 weeks have definitely made a difference, though. I have a space which he is not allowed to enter. It's good.

Good luck getting your own space.

OP, he is unlikely to change because there are nice rewards for him. And he believes it's normal, whatever he says to placate you. Have you read Lundy Bancroft?

The tipping point for me was when my DD (4) dropped some toothpaste and said "Daddy will be cross". I realised then that it was affecting her and not just me.
I also used to get the not good at keeping the house clean and tidy, as well as not being slim enough etc etc. We split up in February after being married for 10 years.

When he told my best friend's H that i'd been in a mental institute for 5 years.

Just so her H would tell her to dump me as a friend.

That.

I've never been in a mental institute. I was depressed, seriously so, but not when he knew me.

Whe I realised that he'd go to any lengths to destroy the only good thing in my life beside my son, that was it.

Find your last straw, it's never what you think it will be, and often it's the teeny weeny things that hurt the most, because you see the extraordinary lengths they will go to, to destroy what tiny shred of happiness you have.

Get out love, I promise that you'll never regret it!

Oh, best friend didn't dump me, we're still friends and I love her to bits!

The Ex is LONG gone, and forever will be. :)

Oh, my other tipping point was realising that he wanted me to be responsible for his behaviour from now on. If I didn't tell him when his behaviour was out of order, then how did I expect him to know or to change? I realised he was a man-child, which is rather more dangerous than a real child and a lot less endearing!

In my case STBXH subjected me to a whistle-stop tour of all his crap packed into a single week and I suddenly got so angry I broke out. But actually it was a relatively small straw that broke the camels back. More to do with moodiness, anger, snide remarks, opting out of family life, nothing big. When I describe the reasons for the split to outsiders, I just sound like a whinger!

They don't change. I'd run if I was you, like I did almost 5 years ago. I'd lost 'me', and our DS who was 2.3 was starting to notice stuff. I didn't want him growing up thinking this kind of behaviour was normal, and to treat his future partners like that. I did it for my son, and I haven't regretted one single minute of it

It was a moment when I realised that he had no reason to change because I put up with whatever he did. I might have complained but as long as I stayed, I was accepting the behaviour.

Ultimately, he had little real respect for me. Weighing up the good and the bad is pointless. The good can be fantastically amazing, but if the bad is unacceptable, the good doesn't count.

when we had a row and i refused to continue in front of my daughter. he threatened me with social services because 'it was rude' of me not to sort it out with him when hed walked all the way to mine to sort it out.

i dumped him immediately. the tipping point was a sick narcissistic bully trying to drag my poor innocent kids through the child protection system purely to gain control. i wont allow anyone to hurt my kids.
in the end all he gained was a warning from my solicitor

My tipping point was a family event with his family that the dcs were looking forward to

The day before he decided he didn't want to go so none of us were going

The dcs were really upset so I spent all evening trying to persuade him to change his mind and he went to bed in a sulk
The next morning he said he was ill so now we couldn't go

For once in my life I defied him and took them without him, with him saying how ill he was

I got home to him tucking into coke and crisps, watching cricket and asking where his tea was and it was only then that I realised that the only person he cared about was himself

Took me another 4 months to actually pluck up the courage to do anything about it though and I'm still dealing with his EA nearly 4 years on

The moment it dawned on me that I would never have another child with him, because I couldn't trust him and allow myself to be that vulnerable again with him.

Oh, my goodness, so many little shifts, rather than one tipping point, but I guess him pushing my DD was one, but it still took two weeks after that.

YY to feeling like you have lost yourself. YY to wanting dcs to know the real me, and not the one run ragged,stressed out, perpetually exhausted and snappy. And finally, YY to never being organised enough or doing things just right.

I am reverting to my somewhat chaotic, disorganised, very spontaneous self, but with, I hope, better boundaries in place.

IMO, they do not change, because for as long as you kill yourself trying to make everything ok, they do not have to.

BTW, it is really unfair of him to have a go that things have slipped domestically when you have been ill. He has got hands, and even servants get time off for illness.

I had enough when I saw he was starting to take out his anger, frustration, depression and general dissatisfaction with his [married] life out on the children.
They [aged 6 and 3] were good boys and did not deserve it and I would worry about them when I was at work [in the evenings]. I had rejection and emotional abuse when I was a kid and no way were my kids going to be damaged like that.

When he started to try and turn my dc against me by putting me down and criticising me to them.

I heard his words coming out of my ds mouth and that was the straw that broke the camels back.

I put up with his drinking, porn, lies oh and I supposedly cleaned too much, was too fat, didn't wear make up often enough blah blah blah..

That was the end for me I could put up with everything else but I wasn't going to loose my dc.

When after a night out with my friend, that ended with me drunk and passed out on the living room floor, I woke up and had to check that I hadn't murdered him.

I called my sister that day and asked her to come and get us.

I knew that homeless and jobless was better than staying. I made the right decision.

I don't know if there is a tipping point as such. He'd nearly killed me at some points and that wasn't even enough.

A gradual increasing awareness I was becoming invisible in this world, and having children I think. They probably saved me.

Or rather, family intervention in the end.
My mother bulldozed me out of the situation, I didn't enthuse or reject her efforts, just went along with it. I'd have stayed til he killed us all in the end.
Stuff like that happens in a very ordinary way, men jumping out of hotel windows with their kids or strangling their partners. It just sounds dramatic when you hear it on the six o' clock news.

With respect, OP other people's tipping points are going to be personal to them and their situation. I think you've actually reached yours. How long were you 'great together' before this abusive behaviour started and how long has it been going on? Emotiional abuse often starts with the arrival of the first child and experience says that, once begun, the chances of it improving are very slim. Largely because the abuser never accepts they have a problem... e.g failing to keep to the counselling promise.

If you're staying 'for the children' please think again. Children know when a parent is being bullied and it's a miserable atmosphere to grow up in.

I was sick of the "rules" I had to set myself just to gt through the day.

E.g. If he was in a jealous mood, sending me a stream of nasty texts, I'd put them in a special folder on my phone, but have to move the messages really quick so I didn't see the first few words. Then I'd panic that he'd said something about turning up at my house (we didn't live together) and should I read them? It was ridiculous. Although we had had good times, by that point I was 10% happy and 90% stressed.

I left him 4 years ago in December :)

When he took out a credit card in my name and told me to use it for all the shopping, at the end of the month he would decide what was and was not reasonable expenditure and I would have to pay the rest - I was completely financially dependent on him.

I suddenly realised I wasn't secure, I was incredibly vulnerable.

It was a lightbulb moment and over the next couple of weeks it was like scales were gradually falling from my eyes. I went to see a solicitor and described my marriage to him and he was shocked. He told me to contact the police. I spoke to a policeman who told me I was being abused and referred me to Women's Aid. It took me about four months to accept I was being abused.