Emotional Abuse - what was your tipping point?

[Stuckunderababy]

Hi,long time lurker, first time poster.

I don't want to go in to the detail of my relationship on here, it would take too long, but suffice to say we've been together a long time, and have two small children. I love him very much and he's a great dad. When it's great it's great, when it's bad it's horrible.

He is verbally and emotionally abusive and quite controlling. He admits he has an issue, wants to change, will seek help etc, but hasn't as yet.

We've been trying to work through our issues and while I to the most part have stuck to my side, his (to get counselling) has not yet been touched. While I've stuck to my side (mostly to do with being better organised domestically, some of which I think he had fair comment about although not in the way he chooses to comment iyswim) things have been a lot better. Not great but better.

But today after a few days of bad illness when things have slipped at home I've had it with both barrels again. There's too much detail to go into, including issues with my family that we both have but I don't confront for a variety of reasons but suffice to say I feel like I have suddenly realised this won't ever change. I don't want that life for me, as much as I love him, but I don't want to break my kids away from their dad.

Can it ever change? We used to be so great together. And I guess I wanted to know, for those that have left an EA relationship, what was the tipping point for you?

Feel like my heart is breaking and I have no where to turn.

what paperlantern said.

my ex was similar. he would have me crying n screaming down the phone at him after his latest stunt, yet sound cool as a cucumber down the line. he was probably grinning at the knowledge that he put me in such a state.
he always had a way of mentally abusing in a covert way so i looked like the irrational one. once i snapped after that tipping point, i was the one suddenly calm n cool. cos id made my mind up and no matter what threats and abuse he chucked at me, he failed to work me up. THAT was the moment he got nasty. cos he KNEW he had failed officially, that its all over and nothing he does will change it.
lack of control and failure is a VERY bitter pill for abusers to take. and when that happens, its very satisfying for the abused, to finally have put them in their place, by showing them that they arent powerful as they think they are.

This: "it wasn't a tipping points, more an alignment of planets" absolutely.

Also this: "...what horrifies you about the stories you read here from others doesn't horrify them, to them that was/is their normal.

Your normal horrifies US but not you, because that's YOUR normal.

Just because our normals are OUR normals, doesn't make those normals right.

This phenomenon is very common. It's called normalisation, and minimisation, often denial is an accompaniment." so true

My love, you do what you know you must do.

You focus on the life you want, thew one your kids deserve, the one that you deserve.

You remind yourself that none of that will ever be possible as long as you stay with that man.

You remind yourself that if you have sons, you'll watch them grow up potentially just like him , watch as they start to use the same tactics on you, their mother, as he does.

Or you'll see yourself reflected back in your daughter's eyes, watch as they are worn down to a mère shadow.

And then their children...

YOU can stop this. YOU sacrifice what you know are false feelings of love for a person that doesn't even exist outside your head.

When my ex left, my whole body ached. The pain in my throat from all those years of uncried tears at having to accept that the whole thing was abusive and that it'd never get better was literally excruciating.

I dug deep and focussed on what had to happen, and he went.

The days afterwards were weird, I expected to fall, in 3 days it didn't hurt so much, in a week less still.

Then I saw all the little issues my ds had start to go. They were all down to stress and fear.

I don't know a soul who ended a relationship like mine, like yours that ever regretted it for a second.

Be brave, end this now, and the day that all that you truly deserve will start to approach.

Trust me, your kids won't be unsettled, they'll be relieved!

It wasn't one tipping point, it was a gradual realisation that the person he presented me as being wasn't the person the rest of the world saw.

I remember it clearly I said to him I am not living the rest of life like this, my children aren't growing up like this, just leave. I hadn't really planned it ,It was like something snapped in me, I had 2 kids under 2 at the time . That was 10 years ago have never regretted it, for one moment

Ummm..... I will be a dissenting voice and say my DD especially was immensely unsettled.

Better that than her growing up learning that she was a possession, her thoughts are secondary to someone else.

"But how do you make the split when you ultimately love them? "

What is love in this context? Appeasement, fear, dependence... relief when the abuse lets up, never quite relaxing because you're waiting for the next outburst, being pathetically grateful that he sticks around?

I think emotional abusers create a fog of confusion. There's you clinging to all your hopes and dreams of the way life could be if only his nice side was dominant. Sticking it out and desperately trying to make things better. And there's your abuser deliberately exploiting those hopes but at the same time playing on your fears.

A permanent split may be premature for you. However, a few weeks' 'trial separation' may be enough for you to appreciate the influence he has over you.

Mine was like this: I had been through a really stressful period at work which my P had made far worse by his behaviour. At the end of the stressful period a party was thrown for everyone who had been involved in the project and I had been looking forward to it for 2 months. My P was invited too.

He came but made snarky remarks whenever any of my male colleagues came to talk to me or to dance in our circle (I already walked on eggshells whenever any guys were around and so was my P) and then left really early saying that he wouldn't be made a fool of by everyone seeing me 'flirting' with other men in front of him. I called him about 15 mins after he left and he said if I didn't leave there and then it proved I didn't love him. I said I just wanted to celebrate the stressful period being over. He said that's fine, come home and we'll celebrate, just the two of us. But when I got home he said he was tired and going to bed.

I remember just standing there thinking, I've left all my lovely colleagues who I get on with so well and who I have such a great time with to come home to a dark house with my standardly moody P and having missed out on a really fun night which was supposed to be a reward, all because of his jealousy and mood swings. It was small compared to all the other things he did but it just really struck me that he couldnt even let me celebrate an achievement at work.

ps, thanks for the opportunity to get that out - it felt quite cathartic! Also, I didn't realise just how bad things had been until after I had got out. When I was no longer watching everything I did and said I could not believe how I had allowed myself to get into a situation like that as I am usually a very confident, outgoing person who wouldn't accept cr*p like that from other people.

I definitely don't now, by the way, so it was a good lesson to learn!

So many people in the same boat! It's depressing on one level, but reassuring that there are others to support each other. It's the first time I've posted here, and went through the years of abuse on my own. We split 4 years ago, and I have only just finished a long court process to protect my daughter from him. However, I am now finally free for the first time, and it's fantastic! Life can be brilliant fun without a bastard around to ruin it all the time! I recommend it.

I knew I didn't love him so that's why I can't comment on that aspect. I did think he was my best friend and he would always look out for and have my best interests at heart. I was very wrong

I left an EA relationship over 11 years ago. He literally broke me and made me doubt myself. I hated who I became and knew if I had stayed he would never respect me. Why would he when I had tolerated so much already?

It was a build up of so many things;
Comments about my appearance
Comments about my needing a new car when he had not even passed his test
Expecting me to be grateful that he does not see other woman
Second guessing me
Twisting everything in his favour
Making me feel my friends did not like me

The day I walked away I felt nothing but relief. I did not miss him at all. What took me so long? I was finally free to heal and meet someone who would love and appreciate me as I deserved met dh two years later.

It is never too late to walk away. It may well be hard but you know you need to leave. You cannot change him. He will continue to treat you badly as you have allowed it.

whenwillIsee I certainly was not heartbroken at the time of walking away my heart got crushed many times during the relationship. I was generally worried about filling the gap that would be left once I was single. The love obviously disappeared but I tried to make it work.

whenwillIsee... I'd have said 'yes I really loved him' for many years after the split. I thought my life was over at the time. But looking back now I can see that a lot of what I felt was the result of my own naivety & optimism plus many years of manipulation.

When i was 17 i met a man who was 10 years older than me. I moved in with him when i was 18 and didnt realise at the time but he was a controlling EA bully.

We never had kids, although the pressure on me to have kids was immence, thank God I never bowed down to the pressure. As I was living 180 miles from my parents he wanted us to go to a solicitor for me to sign a document to say that if we split up I had to leave behind with him any children that we had. I was also forbidden to drive to my parents with the child until it was 16. And he wonders why we never had kids.

I was a young, fun loving, carefree girl when I met him and he made it his lifes amibition to change that. When I finally left him at 21 I was so miserable and unhappy.

But that was 20 years ago and in all that time I have NEVER EVER once thought "Hmm maybe we could have worked something out/I should have stayed/I miss him" NOT ONCE. I have always thought "Thank fuck I got out". I dont miss him or his ways.

Leaving him wasnt a small thing either, it meant moving to my parents, leaving behind my job, home, cat, friends and social life. But I realised that by leaving behind all of that I would be free of him.

For me it was one lunchtime when I realised he had used "bitch" in place of my name all day. I told him then and there, and left the next morning with the kids.

I am really overwhelmed by your stories and support. Thank you. He has been in touch today wanting to sort things out. I think it has to be small steps for me. Tonight for the first time ever, I make it clear I will leave if things don't change and he doesn't work through his issues properly. I've never done that. Always seemed such a big statement to make.

Then if they don't I'll make the break I need to. I think my tipping point has been reached. At least in as much as I've woken up to what's really been happening here. I may be naive but he has recognised he has an issue and wants to change. Given what's happened in his life I have to give that a chance. But it's suddenly very clear that I won't be sitting here with the same issues in 20 years time whatever happens. It's all so sad.

small steps indeed. just keep putting one foot in front of the other, Stuck. You are doing really well

Hope he hears you tonight.

It may be a small step but I guarantee you're now looking at him with fresh eyes. You're ever so slightly detached now... wise to his tricks. That makes you the opposite of naive, it makes you healthily cynical and observant. I have a crisp tenner here says that you'll be shot of him before the New Year and you'll be satisfied you've done the right thing.

Sad but necessary..

He's hoovering you back in love, it means nothing!

Tell him to go away and think some more.

Honestly, this is where you get to feel YOUR power.

I think Cog has made a fortune from Mumsnet ltb tenners.

Hope it goes ok OP.