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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be really quite disappointed (rather long)

105 replies

SugarHut · 28/10/2013 23:49

Ok, in a nutshell, I have been on and off with DP for 4 years. In between I've not really dated anyone else, but we split (again) about 3 weeks ago, and I'm tired of it, so when this guy asked to take me out for dinner, I thought why not, and actually really liked him. In the course of the last 10 days, we've had that dinner, he's been to mine where I cooked, and the last time we saw each other was Sat night, where he cooked for me, put in loads of effort too. No hanky panky. He'd invited me round Tues night, I had said yes, then had to cancel as I have a work thing booked. So, today, as I realised we both had full schedules until next Tuesday, I text him to say, "I'm in the supermarket, do you want to come over for dinner tonight, as otherwise we won't see each other for over a week, let me know quickly as I'll pick up something nice if you can"

This is what I got back: (Slightly relevant to understanding, he is a professional sportsman, I am a model, we're nothing special, but both very well known certainly where we live)

"To be honest with you Sugar, things are moving too quick. I came out of a relationship 5 weeks ago and it's still pretty raw and I'm not over it. I like you but it just seems like i'm just jumping into a relationship again. Everybody is always trying to get in my business and you being who you are is just getting people talking already and I can't deal with it so soon. I know I said I don't care, but the truth is I do, and I'm sick of it. I don't want for us to go any further because things will just get complicated again. If you weren't a decent girl I wouldn't care, but you are different, and if I met you later, then there wouldn't be a problem, but I'm starting to like you a bit more than I want to at this point. I'm sorry to piss you off or upset you but I'm just trying to be sensible about it and realistic. My daughter still asks about my ex all the time and I don't want her to get mixed up as she doesn't understand what's going on. I have to tell her every time that my ex is at work and it breaks my heart because I know she'll never see them again and they were close. I hope you understand and don't think I'm a prick. I just have to be honest and more grown up about the situation. Although if you do think the other way then I also understand and to be honest, I expect you to be hearing bad stories about me because that's always how it is. Bottom line is, I don't want to string you along when I don't know what's going on with myself"

I didn't realise he had only split up with his ex 5 weeks ago. But I really liked the guy. Still do. I actually want to cry. Is there anything I can do? We were ballroom dancing round his living room on Saturday, he didn't want me to go, he had cherryade in his fridge because I had casually mentioned it was my favourite. Then this :(

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 28/10/2013 23:53

I expect you to be hearing bad stories about me because that's always how it is.

I infer he's shagged someone else...

Original poster

SugarHut · 28/10/2013 23:56

Oh no, not at all, it's due to the sport he does, he gets painted as a "bad boy" not particularly with women, just gets a LOT of bad press. Makes better stories.

I got told to steer clear as he was in a fight this Saturday evening. I was in the house with him, he didn't even go out!! That's the kind of crap that gets made up.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 29/10/2013 00:03

Hmmm... well he doesn't want to do it, whether it's because he's met someone else or not the effect is the same...

There's nothing you can do, he's completely clear that he wants out. Bottom line if he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't care what other people said.

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:04

He doesn't does he :(

OP posts:

maras2 · 29/10/2013 00:06

Why do you get so arsey so quickly when you post? Seems like you're just spoiling for a fight.Twinkle is probably right.

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:08

Arsey? Where?

OP posts:

TombOfMummyBeerest · 29/10/2013 00:08

Yanbu.

Been there. It's balls.

Tbh he seems like a bit of a drama queen.

Clowdy · 29/10/2013 00:09

Where was she arsey? Or have I misread your post?

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:14

Oh, because I nipped in the bid that he's shagging about? There's nothing arsey about what I said. I just know of all the things that could have motivated him to respond to me that way, shagging another woman is definitely not on the agenda.

I'm trying to give examples of the kind of story I am likely to hear, and also to show how I know there is often no truth behind them whatsoever.

I get a load of old tosh written/said about me too, it's kind of why we got on, we both know the hassles of it, and know that even though it's hard, you have to ignore these kind of things.

I'm just so very sad that he went from so much effort for me and being just so lovely on Saturday, that today I'm essentially dumped. It was so very out of the blue, if anything, up until this point he seemed a lot keener than me.

OP posts:

maras2 · 29/10/2013 00:14

Shit.You would not believe what prompted me to say that.Let me just apologise profusely Sugar.I really am sorry.If I get time later,I'll tell you what happened but for now please accept my sincere apology.

HaroldLloyd · 29/10/2013 00:15

He DOES seem like a drama queen.

You were asking him for a dinner it's a bit of a wild response to that imo.

I hate it when you ask someone for a drink or something and you get a long spiel about why they can't be in a relationship back.

It's happened to me, rubbish.

Have you answered him?

Clowdy · 29/10/2013 00:18

Sorry Sugar but I think you should let this one go - he's had second thoughts for whatever reason.

Tryharder · 29/10/2013 00:18

You haven't been arsey, OP.

If I were you, I would text back with something along the lines of "oh well, c'est la vie, thank you for being honest with me, hope things sort themselves out for you soon xx"

I think his text was actually quite nice and sounded as if it might be true. Disappointing for you obviously. I would just chalk it up to experience. I'm sure you will meet someone else soon.

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:18

I'm well and truly gutted. This is the first time, in a long long time I've instantly clicked with someone. We sat at mine talking for hours and he said how I was very different to his previous girlfriends, and in a great way, not a play me a line to get in my pants way, he just felt relaxed and de-stressed in my company, and I felt the same.

I guess I just have to accept he's not interested. I just actually feel like crying. I'm never like this :(

OP posts:

Tryharder · 29/10/2013 00:19

OK. I'll say it first:

Who are you, OP.

Tell us! G'wan!!

HaroldLloyd · 29/10/2013 00:21

That's a perfect text response try harder.

Sugar, so disappointing for you

Monty27 · 29/10/2013 00:21

If i were to be assed to text him back, which I probably wouldn't have, I would have said 'OK'.

That's it.

HogFucker · 29/10/2013 00:26

If you've only eaten at each other's houses, how do people even know you are together to talk about you?

HogFucker · 29/10/2013 00:27

I think he should have called to tell you that too. I like the text response above.

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:33

This is the conversation since:

Me "Wow. Ok...."
Him "I have a really shit way of saying things and it never comes out how I want it too. Do you really understand what I'm saying or are you pissed off?"
me "Firstly, of course I don't think you're a prick. I left my ex relatively recently, but the difference is, I feel ready to date, and you can't help it if you're not, it doesn't make you a bad person. But I don't necessarily agree that because things have been complicated before that they have to this time. I'm not looking to jump into something quickly, but when I like someone, it happens so rarely that maybe I am too full on. I'm not pissed off with you, I have no reason to be angry"
Him "I know also that I said I don't care about who you are (meaning the model stuff) and right now I don't, but I know for a fact the more we go on and the more I like you it will bother me a lot. I had to tell you now so things didn't get harder further down the line"
Me "Had to tell me we now you don't want to see me anymore, or that you don't like the media presence"
Him "Both, being in a relationship is too soon right now, and you being who you are will give me major jealousy issues"
Me "Look, it's ok. The "job" isn't forever, but if your head isn't in the right place to start getting to know someone else right now then you can't help that"
Him "That's why it will get complicated because I just can't be with anyone right now"
Me "It's honestly fine, I like you, I like you a lot, but I'm not going to beg you to see me when you don't know what you want. I'm not mad or pissed off, but I am genuinely sad"
Him "This is the difference between a woman and a girl, thank you for understanding, but hand on heart I am just telling you the truth and I'm sorry x x x"
Me "I guess all I can say is that after you've taken a while to think about things and decide maybe getting to know each other again is something you'd like to do, then you know where I am"
Him - sent one of those "blowing a kiss" emoticons

OP posts:

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:37

I feel like a bit of a loser for the "You know where I am" line. But I can't help it, in the space of a few short days, this chap totally swept me off my feet. I've never felt so relaxed so quickly.

Fuck my actual life :(

I know you're right though, he doesn't want me. He must be a bloody good actor for how he's behaved with me up until today though. He had even put cherry handsoap in his downstairs loo because I love the smell of cherries. Little things like that mean the world to me.

OP posts:

Tweasels · 29/10/2013 00:37

Why does your career concern him? Why would it bother him later down the line?

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:39

Hogfucker...our first "date" was dinner out. We deliberately went to a pub in the middle of nowhere. The next day I got several texts from friends saying "Oooooh, since when have you been going out with Joe Bloggs??""

Digressing a little. I need to go out with the girls and cheer myself up don't I :(

OP posts:

Monty27 · 29/10/2013 00:42

He's just not into you. He was dumping you. You shouldn't have entered the dialogue level and just said 'ok'.

Original poster

SugarHut · 29/10/2013 00:47

I know. I just wanted to call him up and shout "Why???!! Why would you bend over backwards for me 36 hours ago, tell me to come round tomorrow, then chuck me two hours later??""

Well and truly dumped :(

OP posts:

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