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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be really quite disappointed (rather long)

105 replies

SugarHut · 28/10/2013 23:49

Ok, in a nutshell, I have been on and off with DP for 4 years. In between I've not really dated anyone else, but we split (again) about 3 weeks ago, and I'm tired of it, so when this guy asked to take me out for dinner, I thought why not, and actually really liked him. In the course of the last 10 days, we've had that dinner, he's been to mine where I cooked, and the last time we saw each other was Sat night, where he cooked for me, put in loads of effort too. No hanky panky. He'd invited me round Tues night, I had said yes, then had to cancel as I have a work thing booked. So, today, as I realised we both had full schedules until next Tuesday, I text him to say, "I'm in the supermarket, do you want to come over for dinner tonight, as otherwise we won't see each other for over a week, let me know quickly as I'll pick up something nice if you can"

This is what I got back: (Slightly relevant to understanding, he is a professional sportsman, I am a model, we're nothing special, but both very well known certainly where we live)

"To be honest with you Sugar, things are moving too quick. I came out of a relationship 5 weeks ago and it's still pretty raw and I'm not over it. I like you but it just seems like i'm just jumping into a relationship again. Everybody is always trying to get in my business and you being who you are is just getting people talking already and I can't deal with it so soon. I know I said I don't care, but the truth is I do, and I'm sick of it. I don't want for us to go any further because things will just get complicated again. If you weren't a decent girl I wouldn't care, but you are different, and if I met you later, then there wouldn't be a problem, but I'm starting to like you a bit more than I want to at this point. I'm sorry to piss you off or upset you but I'm just trying to be sensible about it and realistic. My daughter still asks about my ex all the time and I don't want her to get mixed up as she doesn't understand what's going on. I have to tell her every time that my ex is at work and it breaks my heart because I know she'll never see them again and they were close. I hope you understand and don't think I'm a prick. I just have to be honest and more grown up about the situation. Although if you do think the other way then I also understand and to be honest, I expect you to be hearing bad stories about me because that's always how it is. Bottom line is, I don't want to string you along when I don't know what's going on with myself"

I didn't realise he had only split up with his ex 5 weeks ago. But I really liked the guy. Still do. I actually want to cry. Is there anything I can do? We were ballroom dancing round his living room on Saturday, he didn't want me to go, he had cherryade in his fridge because I had casually mentioned it was my favourite. Then this :(

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 29/10/2013 17:19

"get over yourself, I've only known you for over a week. Have a nice life"

Halloween Grin
HelloBoys · 29/10/2013 17:21

I've actually re-read his text properly and he is actually being pretty straight with you here, re the reasons (main one it being it's moving too quick and too soon for his DD) for breaking it off with you.

OK he could hold out more, be patient etc but whatever it is there is SOMETHING there that has him put the brakes on this. and you can't stop that. Who knows if he means what he says when he says if he'd met you a different time etc? he could be honest there. But what he is saying that RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, it isn't right for him.

I don't know much re the talk/gossip etc as I wouldn't let that bother ME but it obviously bothers him.

I think you just need to digest this, calmly and move on. Better he's done this now than a few months down the line.

JeanSeberg · 29/10/2013 17:21

Makes him sound even more weird, taking a child's projector to a date that conveniently had turtles, your favourite animal?

Is this really what dating has to involve these days?

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 17:22

That's it Donkey... I genuinely feel like he was very drawn to me. Not kidding myself, but that's genuinely how he acted. The bit that rings most true and is most infuriating for me is

If I met you later, then there wouldn't be a problem, but I'm starting to like you a bit more than I want to at this point

What do you mean like me a bit more than you want too?? Why is that not a good thing?

You wouldn't chuck someone if you were starting to like them a lot, would you :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 17:24

Katie, you can almost guarantee the ex has heard the jungle drums and is making noises of some kind. Reconciliatory or not.

OP posts:
YesterdayI · 29/10/2013 17:26

SugarHut. I posted on one of your other threads. You have only just come out of another very serious relationship. It seems extremely hasty for you to have got involved with someone else within two weeks Confused.

Twinklestein · 29/10/2013 17:29

listened hard to what I said, was super affectionate

But that's what players do - listen intently to what you say, make you feel like you're the only girl in the room, say 'I feel like I've known you all my life', charming, complimentary, touchy feely...yadda yadda... it works doesn't it?

I've been friends with players since my teens so I've seen the shtick a hundred times, I'm surprised women fall for it tbh...

'If only I'd met you at a different time..', and 'I like you more than I want to... yep heard all of those before too...

It just means he would shag you but not right now.

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 17:29

Yes, and the fact he seems to be so influenced tells me he is not free emotionally to be with anyone other than the ex.
Be second best to no man Sugar. FFS you are a professional beauty and a good, straight, clever lassie.He ought to be thanking baby cheezus that you deign to allow him to spend time with you.

YesterdayI · 29/10/2013 17:29

Oh dear, your description of him bringing his kids projector to your flat makes him sound even MORE of a nut job that before Shock.

I am really curious to know roughly how old you are (but quite understand if you don't want to say )

HelloBoys · 29/10/2013 17:31

Sugar - more and more I read the more he sounds like a player and a wordsmith.

these men are most often charmers and talkers. I had the misfortune to be involved with one and his verbal diarrhoea. he even hooked me in when he temporarily lived in Canada met someone, married them in Italy and moved back to UK.

yes, wordsmith is the word. talks all kinds of bull.

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 17:34

I know....I have been on and off with DP for 4 years. The difference this time, is that for the first time since meeting DP, another guy caught my attention so much that I agreed to try a dinner date. And it was fantastic.

DP, or ex DP as I should technically call him, I have actually no intention of going back to this time. I feel ready to move on. I can't keep this on off thing going, it's ridiculous. I know DP just presumes he'll talk me round, like he usually does, but I am quite adamant this time.

I think that's possibly why this is hitting me harder. Feeling so positive that I had finally cut away from DP, met this new guy, and literally couldn't be better. Monday morning he's looking forward to seeing me Tues, I change the plans as I realise I can't make Tuesday....then I get that text.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 29/10/2013 17:37

Sugar....he is a player!!!!! I had exactly the same scenario as this once...except I slept with him before I found out what a dick he was.

In my opinion he has either had someone else in the rings that he likes more and is getting a bit more serious with (sorry) or he gas started talking with the ex again.

Some of his comments are just cringe!!!! Big ego much!?!

Defo read "he's just not that into you"...bit American and cheesy but the message is great. When they tell you they're not interested by words or actions....Move on and don't look back.

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 17:37

You can take positive things from this experience Sugar, lovely.
You now know you can happily be with someone other than your ex. Which, if you think about it is good, no?
So it's not going to be with turtle guy, so what?
Mr Right is just round the corner, have some fun finding him Wink

mammadiggingdeep · 29/10/2013 17:38
  • someone else in the wings...
Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 17:41

I'm not going to give out too much personal info, but I'm between 28 and 32.

And this will sound awful, but he's actually a bit thick...which is why I kind of want to defend this "player" theory, I just don't think he's smart enough to orchestrate something with such an ulterior motive. He's a bit "does what it says on the tin." I absolutely can't get enough of the guy, but a sharp tool, he is not. I'm the opposite, massively academic...but along with that, jack shit in the way of common sense and generally being streetwise.

I mean yes he said all that stuff to me, but I said a lot of the same back...and I wasn't playing him.

Losing sight of the fact I've been unceremoniously dumped, aren't I.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 29/10/2013 17:41

I agree Katie....I think it's great you know you can enjoy being with another guy...it confirms that it's right to move on from x dp. Ok so it's not turtle guy, but if he doesn't want to hold onto you he's not the one for you
X

mammadiggingdeep · 29/10/2013 17:43

Sugar.....honestly, even thickshits can be players!!! Of course they can.

If he's thick and you're academic it prob wouldn't have gone long term anyway....maybe showing you turtles and buying you cherry ade was as good as it would have got?

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 17:45

Listen, just because he's not the sharpest tool in the box doesn't mean he's not got A level Bullshit Smile
Yes you've been dumped but IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM!
And intelligence mismatch does not usually make for a long and happy relationship Wink

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 17:49

A level Bullshit. Thank you, that's the first time I've smiled since yesterday Grin

x x x

OP posts:
YesterdayI · 29/10/2013 17:49

I don't think you should think of yourself as dumped though. It was only three meals together - he probably thinks he nipped it in the bud before there was any actual 'relationship'

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/10/2013 17:51

You're going to be fine, Sugar.
Him, notsomuch ...Wink

LessMissAbs · 29/10/2013 18:13

My guess too is that he's not as single as he likes to make out, he is a player and he fancies you a lot but has realised you won't let him get away with messing you around/messing around with other women.

If he's a bit thick it will only become annoying over time. He's certainly histrionic at present, and all that waffle stuff by text is off-putting.

Even if he's a footballer, he doesn't have to attract bad press. He can deliberately put forward an image of the good guy.

How small a town do you live in? Are there really no normal, well adjusted men in their twenties who are unattached?

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 18:13

Ah. Shush. Or I'll get all teary again.

Thank you.

OP posts:
PaperSeagull · 29/10/2013 18:22

Run away, run away. I agree that he sounds like an experienced player. Academic intelligence is definitely not a requirement for that particular modus operandi.

If you maintain radio silence, he will almost certainly contact you. I wouldn't be surprised if he had quite a few women on the string, and he will probably want to make sure he can reel you in again. If this happens my advice would be ignore, ignore, ignore.

Twinklestein · 29/10/2013 18:23

Of course he's thick - that was obvious from what he said. But never think that a man is too stupid to be a player, stupid people can be cunning... If he'd been cleverer he'd have been better at it...