To be really quite disappointed (rather long)

[SugarHut]

Ok, in a nutshell, I have been on and off with DP for 4 years. In between I've not really dated anyone else, but we split (again) about 3 weeks ago, and I'm tired of it, so when this guy asked to take me out for dinner, I thought why not, and actually really liked him. In the course of the last 10 days, we've had that dinner, he's been to mine where I cooked, and the last time we saw each other was Sat night, where he cooked for me, put in loads of effort too. No hanky panky. He'd invited me round Tues night, I had said yes, then had to cancel as I have a work thing booked. So, today, as I realised we both had full schedules until next Tuesday, I text him to say, "I'm in the supermarket, do you want to come over for dinner tonight, as otherwise we won't see each other for over a week, let me know quickly as I'll pick up something nice if you can"

This is what I got back: (Slightly relevant to understanding, he is a professional sportsman, I am a model, we're nothing special, but both very well known certainly where we live)

"To be honest with you Sugar, things are moving too quick. I came out of a relationship 5 weeks ago and it's still pretty raw and I'm not over it. I like you but it just seems like i'm just jumping into a relationship again. Everybody is always trying to get in my business and you being who you are is just getting people talking already and I can't deal with it so soon. I know I said I don't care, but the truth is I do, and I'm sick of it. I don't want for us to go any further because things will just get complicated again. If you weren't a decent girl I wouldn't care, but you are different, and if I met you later, then there wouldn't be a problem, but I'm starting to like you a bit more than I want to at this point. I'm sorry to piss you off or upset you but I'm just trying to be sensible about it and realistic. My daughter still asks about my ex all the time and I don't want her to get mixed up as she doesn't understand what's going on. I have to tell her every time that my ex is at work and it breaks my heart because I know she'll never see them again and they were close. I hope you understand and don't think I'm a prick. I just have to be honest and more grown up about the situation. Although if you do think the other way then I also understand and to be honest, I expect you to be hearing bad stories about me because that's always how it is. Bottom line is, I don't want to string you along when I don't know what's going on with myself"

I didn't realise he had only split up with his ex 5 weeks ago. But I really liked the guy. Still do. I actually want to cry. Is there anything I can do? We were ballroom dancing round his living room on Saturday, he didn't want me to go, he had cherryade in his fridge because I had casually mentioned it was my favourite. Then this :(

He certainly put a lot of effort in, its no wonder you feel very disappointed.

Its just a little disconcerting how quickly he then decided it was moving to fast.

It was totally from one extreme to the other, hes built it all up then very quickly knocked it down - whatever his motives its not a good way to go about things.

So from that respect I think you are probably better off without him, at the moment. It does sound like you deserve better.

Thanks for the sound advice. I figure give him the benefit of the doubt and just accept right now he's decided no thank you for what may well be genuine andssensible reasons. I'll just let it be. And if later down the line our paths cross then it was meant to be, and if they don't, it wasn't.

Stay strong and NC as he may just enjoy playing you a little. This sort of drama at the beginning would enrage irritate me as it leaves with with no real option but to take it at face value and suck it up. Despite all the keenness before.

The projector thing is baffling! Has anyone else been out with a guy who brought a projector on a date? Is this real or are we reading a TOWIE script?

I was all "fuck off" at the woman-not-a-girl patronising shit!
Find and read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It's funny, and true. It'll make you cringe at telling him you'd wait around for him - but it's a good thing to cringe at that. I don't mean to be horrid - been there done it!

The other thing that puts me off him: why hadn't he told his child it was over with the ex?

Oh wait - you were the one who posted the other week about your partner working abroad was it, earning loads of money or something?

I am now confused. Is DP the rich guy or is new guy the new guy?

I should feel nasty but actually I don't. HJNTIY

Back in the days when I was young and single, I used to HATE getting dumped! How dare they.

Rise above it, do not engage in any further conversation (I mean, don't blank him if you see him, but treat him as any other vague friend from your past), and put it behind me.

He's obviously a charmer, and quite self centered. No problem with that in itself, but certainly not wasting time crying over.

oh he's the new guy.

seriously though - if you are a model and well known and him being a sportsman and well known, well if you date well known people then you will get known for it, get media attention etc.

I know, for example, a few models, members of a famous band but they keep their stuff generally out of the media radar (apart from one of them but I think he's quiet now). or maybe they're just not media fodder.

you could date someone who's, you know, not famous? see what I mean.

I can understand his POV to be honest even though he was blunt/harsh etc.

Oh sorry OP, I've been there...THREE times!

Don't waste any more time on him. He'll probably come crawling back when he's feeling lonely and at a loose end. Then you can decide if he's worth a quick shag or not.

Just let it go OP. You had a nice time with him and he's been clear about what he wants.

It is horrible when you click with someone and they blow cold. That happens sometimes.

Oh we're not famous. Well I suppose he is more than me. We just live in a small city. And the rumours are rife. I go for a coffee with a male friend and my ex would receive a text saying I was all over some new guy.

His child is 2. So not really ready for discussions about break ups. I guess he's just saying his ex is at work until the dd forgets about asking any more.

I keep checking my phone for texts. What is WRONG with me.

You need to forget about him , he's made it clear for whatever reasons he doesn't want to see you .
Maybe just spend some time al

Sorry bloody phone !!
Meant to say spend some time alone to focus on what you want .
Don't waste anymore time thinking about it !!
Btw this happened to me recently and it's crap

Sugar - just give yourself time to get over him.

You liked him, it seemed (albeit after 10 days) to be going amazingly well - hence why you got hooked in. he got cold feet.

and yeah this is a PITA this ass to deal with and him being an idiot too. forget him, I know it is hard.

So he was all over you like a bad rash, then tells you he has jealousy issues?

Big red flags and you've had a lucky escape.

Honestly, no further contact. He's bad news.

It sounds as though he follows a predictable pattern: Reel them in, toss them away. Reel them in, toss them away.

It happens all the time. As soon as you disengage, he will probably begin another charm offensive. Repeat ad nauseam.

The only slightly unusual thing is that the pattern has become clear so quickly, in such an accelerated fashion. But actually I think you are lucky to recognize the pattern so early on, before becoming genuinely attached to this man. He also sounds so self-centered he may be in danger of disappearing up his own arse. And as for that girl/woman nonsense? Pathetic.

I'd actually feel quite angry at him, he was all over you with gestures and gifts and then he drops you from a high height - maybe he was trying to get you into bed, who knows but he sounds like a game player to me and the speil he's given you sounds like he's said it before to other women, just sounds far too scripted for my liking.

I know you really liked him but you will really like someone else who won't basically muck you about.

I don't think he was trying super hard to bed me. He's quite "take what he wants and don't mess about" in his general attitude. When the whole "you're different thing" arose, it was when he was saying along the lines of, "I know this will come out wrong, but I get all funny round you, usually I would see a woman like you and want to just jump on you, but I feel almost embarrassed to even contemplate treating you like that. You just make me really aware of being respectful. Not that I don't want to jump on you. Because you're lovely. I mean I'd love to, but I'm not going to, well not now. Unless you want to now? No of course you don't. Oh god. I should just stop talking."

It was all said after a few glasses of wine, and not in a sexist pig way, he actually said it in a very small voice and went a bit red and embarrassed.

I'm just gutted about it. Yes it was only 3 dates, but we sat up talking all night, and dancing, and cuddled up with Family Guy, and cooking. It was just lovely, for the first time ever with someone else in years.

I'm just sad that I obviously misread it all so badly. Onwards and upwards. Sigh.

All sounds a bit head-fucky to me sugar. Whatever, he's unavailable and has an ego the size of a small planet IMO.

If he 'has a change of heart' in the next few days/weeks you won't believe he's suddenly found redemption will you? Because he's been pretty blatant about who he is.

Nothing to miss really, and plenty to feel relieved about in the long run.

I'm sorry sugar, but there are guys who, while still on the rebound from exes, launch straight into "relationship" mode with a new woman as they're feeling lonely and love that initial rush of finding someone they can do all the fun parts of the relationship they miss, e.g. eating together, cuddling, etc...that seem more serious than they are.

I've known guys to cook for me, take me to special events, stay up all night talking, holding me like they'd drown if they ever let go...

Turns out they were just after some solace in the midst of their break-ups

Christ he sounds tedious.
Go out and meet someone who doesn't do this level of angst after 10 bloody days.
And the proper response to his Dear Jane initial text should have been, "get over yourself, I've only known you for over a week. Have a nice life"

He just seemed so lovely and nice. I'm usually a pretty good judge of character. I can usually spot the "ooh nice boobs and arse, I'll date her" muppets a mile off. He was totally the opposite, listened hard to what I said, was super affectionate, bent over backwards to make me feel comfortable.

I honestly do hope he has a change of heart. My gut instincts are rarely wrong, and within an hour we were both laughing about how it was as if we had known each other for 5 years. I'm just gutted. I think in a nutshell he's just saying he's not over his ex. Maybe he wants her back and something yesterday really prompted that thought so he thought it best to knock me on the head.

I've had a good cry and a whole Green and Blacks. And my friends are taking me out on Thursday.

I thought the cherryade bit was thoughtful. I guess I wouldn't recognise that as being a player. Maybe the soap was a touch too much. And the images of turtles shown by projector.

I actually read and re-read his text, I'm not quite sure if he's "not that into you" or whether he actually felt very drawn to you. Sorry, not helping. I hope it's not one he's formulated and uses lots to different women, btw.

You know the saying "The rich are different"? Maybe being a (minor?) celebrity has messed with his head, maybe he is used to being chased and perhaps he sensed you weren't all over him. Perhaps he realised he'd have to put in more effort than he's used to.

Sorry SugarHut what a pity, if you were attracted to him - but agree, stay away, it's him not you.

Sorry let me clarify this turtle thing so he doesn't sound like a nutjob...it was this kiddies projector thing, I imagine it was his daughters and he hadn't bought it specially!! But just me flippantly saying I'd swam with turtles and they were one of my favourite creatures ever, then he brought that round, told ne to shut my eyes, flicked lights off, turtle thing on, it was just really sweet.

If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. All his waffly shite is just that.
My money is on him trying to get back with his ex. She's probably heard the jungle drums re you and is making reconciliation noises.
Think about it. His child is 2, hardly likely to be getting upset over mr turtles social life.