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Original poster

To be really quite disappointed (rather long)

105 replies

SugarHut · 28/10/2013 23:49

Ok, in a nutshell, I have been on and off with DP for 4 years. In between I've not really dated anyone else, but we split (again) about 3 weeks ago, and I'm tired of it, so when this guy asked to take me out for dinner, I thought why not, and actually really liked him. In the course of the last 10 days, we've had that dinner, he's been to mine where I cooked, and the last time we saw each other was Sat night, where he cooked for me, put in loads of effort too. No hanky panky. He'd invited me round Tues night, I had said yes, then had to cancel as I have a work thing booked. So, today, as I realised we both had full schedules until next Tuesday, I text him to say, "I'm in the supermarket, do you want to come over for dinner tonight, as otherwise we won't see each other for over a week, let me know quickly as I'll pick up something nice if you can"

This is what I got back: (Slightly relevant to understanding, he is a professional sportsman, I am a model, we're nothing special, but both very well known certainly where we live)

"To be honest with you Sugar, things are moving too quick. I came out of a relationship 5 weeks ago and it's still pretty raw and I'm not over it. I like you but it just seems like i'm just jumping into a relationship again. Everybody is always trying to get in my business and you being who you are is just getting people talking already and I can't deal with it so soon. I know I said I don't care, but the truth is I do, and I'm sick of it. I don't want for us to go any further because things will just get complicated again. If you weren't a decent girl I wouldn't care, but you are different, and if I met you later, then there wouldn't be a problem, but I'm starting to like you a bit more than I want to at this point. I'm sorry to piss you off or upset you but I'm just trying to be sensible about it and realistic. My daughter still asks about my ex all the time and I don't want her to get mixed up as she doesn't understand what's going on. I have to tell her every time that my ex is at work and it breaks my heart because I know she'll never see them again and they were close. I hope you understand and don't think I'm a prick. I just have to be honest and more grown up about the situation. Although if you do think the other way then I also understand and to be honest, I expect you to be hearing bad stories about me because that's always how it is. Bottom line is, I don't want to string you along when I don't know what's going on with myself"

I didn't realise he had only split up with his ex 5 weeks ago. But I really liked the guy. Still do. I actually want to cry. Is there anything I can do? We were ballroom dancing round his living room on Saturday, he didn't want me to go, he had cherryade in his fridge because I had casually mentioned it was my favourite. Then this :(

OP posts:
Tweasels · 29/10/2013 00:53

You seem very emotionally invested in this after only 10 days. You need to take a step back.

Do you have any children?

MrsS1980 · 29/10/2013 00:54

So sorry OP, but I'd suggest walking away. I'm sure you deserve to be with someone better.

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 01:00

Yes, I'm irrationally emotional about it. And I am never bothered about men. I know it's a matter of a fortnight, but literally he's knocked me sideways.

I seriously liked this guy, and they way he acted up until now made me think he was even keener. From the first half an hour of meeting him, I thought wow. He knows I like turtles, so he'd found this little projector that displayed pink turtles all over the walls. He brought it to mine, and we sat in the dark with some wine chatting with the pink turtles floating about. He just seemed to listen to everything I said and was putting loads of effort in. I was doing the same.

I just feel like I have no idea how this has gone from one extreme to the other like this.

Yes I have DS, 5.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 29/10/2013 01:00

I'm sorry too OP and I hope my posts weren't hard. Just tell him to do one and move on though. You're probably drop dead gorgeous, so blow him, his loss. And, for what its worth, he sounds attention seeking, how boring is that. don't give it to him. Ignore ignore ignore. Hmm

HaveIGot · 29/10/2013 01:01

I would see things like a guy getting a favourite smelling handsoap for my benefit after a very short very low key 'relationship' as being incredibly creepy Confused Shock

Being so swept off your feet so quickly is fun but you shouldn't get carried away otherwise you will make more mistakes. Enjoy new relationships but don't over invest - it's silly.

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 01:01

I need to just shut the fuck up, have a good old cry and take some "get a grip" pills don't I :(

OP posts:
HaveIGot · 29/10/2013 01:07

Yep, a few chill pills would be a good plan Smile

Live and learn. At least you didn't have sex with him.

Wine (not too much though ) Thanks

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 01:15

It's sort of nice to hear that to the impartial outsider that he sounds like a drama queen, or an attention seeker. I suppose the more I re-read the conversation, yes he does come across like that a little. Thank you, that gives me something to focus on for "Operation Ignore"

Although if you look at my half of the conversation I look like a shameless desperado...

OP posts:
Monty27 · 29/10/2013 01:21

Redeem your self confidence, don't 'engage' with him again. Or any other twat of the same ilk Grin

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 01:31

I won't. I'm so gutted and I desperately want to see him,but I guess this jekyl and hyde behaviour isn't a good sign. And I need to get my head out of the sand. He Has pretty much spelt it out that he wants munothing more to do with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 01:31

Sorry for typos. Bloody phone.

OP posts:
Tweasels · 29/10/2013 01:49

I don't mean to sound harsh but you have to let it go. You haven't even been seeing him for 2 weeks and he sounds like an arse. You are a grown woman with a child and need to not get so swept away. You will always end up hurt if you invest so much of yourself emotionally into men like this.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

HettiePetal · 29/10/2013 01:56

See, what occurs to me about this is that it's unlikely you're feeling this way because of him, as such. Sure, he was nice & thoughtful (you thought) etc. - but it usually takes longer than 10 days to become emotionally embroiled with someone.

So, what's more likely to be going on is that he was, kind of, a rebound relationship. You've obviously had an unhappy time with your ex, and were looking to have your self-esteem restored with someone new.

This got buggered up a bit, so some part of your mind is saying..."But what's wrong with me?".

So really, it's much more about you than him, when you think about it. This is natural, btw & not a criticism.

Have you thought about spending some time casually dating & actively avoiding relationships yourself for the time being?

wordyBird · 29/10/2013 01:59

No, it's not a good sign.
To be so very full on... noticing every detail...tell you you're different...then drop you from a great height? That wouldn't have gone well in the long term. I think you've dodged a bullet.
Hope you feel stronger soon SugarHut.

MusicalEndorphins · 29/10/2013 02:12

I think maybe you like him a lot because he was a rebound person for you? Lot's of other people out in the world that you haven't met yet. Good luck!

Thumbfuckerwitch · 29/10/2013 02:45

Of course there is always the possibility that he's just telling the truth - that he's still not over his last relationship, thought going out with you might just be a bit of fun but started to really like you and with both of you being in the local public eye, doesn't want to "start" something this soon. His daughter obviously doesn't know yet that he's split with the ex, so he could be trying to protect her from finding out via media speculation as well.

The thing is - he's called time on it. So let him go, accept that it's not going to work out and move on. I agree that you are probably suffering more from this being another rejection on top of your recent split from your long-term partnership, rather than really being sold on this particular bloke - so give yourself a bit of time on your own to heal from that split before you try and get into another relationship.

Go out with people, no issue with that - but make it a variety of people rather than trying to go "exclusive" so quickly - better for you.

EricLovesAnyFucker · 29/10/2013 06:31

I think he sounds dreadful and you've had a lucky escape. He made two comments that rang alarm bells - first that your job would make him jealous and cause problems in the future. Even if you're a topless model you don't need any man getting 'jealous' when you go to work and pressuring you to stop working, which is where I saw that heading. The second is the 'difference between a woman and a girl' comment. Just yuk. That shows a type of misogynistic dismissal of 'girls' (read clingy, silly, bimbo women in his mind) and a bit of pedestalling of 'women' (read women who won't give him any hassle or generally make demands of him)
I honestly don't think he sounds like a nice guy. And the turtle thing is weird.

lucidlady · 29/10/2013 07:19

Sugar, he has zero right to criticise your job, which is in itself a deal breaker for me.

However let's assume for the sake of argument that he is being genuine. Just back off, go no contact and see what he does next. I met my now DH when he had just split from his ex and we had more or less this exact conversation. I left him to it and got on with my life. It worked out for us - it might do for you too but you need to listen to what he's saying - it's not the right time.

ithaka · 29/10/2013 07:29

All that OTT turtles & cherry soap stuff makes him sound like a bit of a player. I think you were lucky he didn't take it further or you would just have been more hurt in the end. IMO experience, men who come on so strong at the beginning, lose interest & move on just as quick.

Chalk it up to experience & maybe spend a bit of time reconnecting with yourself to understand why this has shaken you so much.

stowsettler · 29/10/2013 08:50

I must say I don't really get all the negative comments he's getting on here. Except maybe the drama queen one - he does seem a bit like that.

But that's irrelevant really, because as you say, you're not going to beg him and he's made his decision. All you can do is as lucidlady said, and get on with your life. If it's meant to be it may just happen in the future. If not - well, it's no loss then. Thanks. I do feel for you though.

Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 10:48

Gosh, I totally didn't view the cherry stuff and the turtles as him being a player. I had mentioned both things do casually when we went out for dinner that I found it lovely that he'd picked up on the tiny details.

Also, I think you're being a little harsh on the "woman not a girl think" I'm pretty sure that was his roundabout way of saying at thanks for handling this in a more mature way.

Either way the guy doesn't want me though. I feel a little better this morning. I just need to keep myself busy with friends I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarHut · 29/10/2013 10:51

Ohhh this damn phone! I hope that made sense

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 29/10/2013 11:07

To be fair to the guy, you were pretty full on too. 'Do you want to come over tonight, I'm in the supermarket and need to know now!' And because otherwise you wouldn't have seen him for a week... having only known him 10 days.

Next time, relax, enjoy it and let it develop at it's own pace.

Twinklestein · 29/10/2013 11:16

I have to agree with Eric sugar, he sounds quite ghastly, and nothing to regret. The cherry turtles shtick is toe curling...

I would always be wary of guys who come on so strong so fast, generally either they move too fast for their own feelings, then panic and back off, or they're just players trying to get you into bed.

The jealousy thing is either him falling on his sword - it's not you it's me - or it's true and he would be a nightmare.

And the women/girls comment is incredibly patronising. He wants you to take it as a compliment for being mature, but it's really just a sexist platitude to thank you for not making more of a fuss.

I've no doubt there are more sincere guys out there for you. x

ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn · 29/10/2013 11:25

These days I'm not sure whether texting is good - as he may just not have got in touch with you again, or texting is bad - as all of this should have been said in person, or at least on the phone.

Its a real shame OP as it sounds like you really liked him and the signals were that he liked you too. He's obviously changed his mind for whatever reason, so the best thing to do here is be grateful that its happened early on and move on.

Don't blame you for being disappointed though. That's really pants.