Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

999 replies

youretoastmildred · 28/10/2013 12:30

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

OP posts:
Enidcoleslaw · 30/10/2013 12:50

Cross posted with you mr, sorry you're having a crap time too.

OopsUpsideYourHead · 30/10/2013 12:59

Sorry it's tricky for you too mrdemeanour. Do you mind if I ask if you're a bloke? Just curious.

You're quite right though, drinking doesn't help at all (I learned a lot in AA lol) & in fact I managed the first two months of the break up entirely sober so I can't really use it as an excuse, just a reason. There's nothing in life that can't be made worse by picking up a drink!

Enidcoleslaw · 30/10/2013 13:02

Anything that seems like a reason to drink is an even better reason not to!

DaisyBD · 30/10/2013 13:02

I have to remind myself when things are going to shit and everything is really stressful, that there is NOTHING in my life that wouldn't be made 100 times worse by drinking. A few months after I got sober I had some horrible health issues, which were unpredictable and scary and I had several emergency admissions to hospital and blood transfusions and stuff. It was hideous. I could almost see people looking at me out of the corner of their eyes, holding their breath... Is she going to start drinking again...? Fortunately all desire to drink had gone by then, it was like a fucking miracle or something, I just kept thinking, if I drink this will be unbearable and messy and horrible. More horrible.

I also can't cope with speaking in public, even at AA meetings - I love listening, and I can talk to people afterwards but I find it almost impossible to open my mouth. Funnily enough though, I've done the main share a few times, and although I was so terrified beforehand I thought I was going to pass out, I felt utterly brilliant afterwards. Sort of like bungee jumping.

Sorry that you're having a tough time, Oops and MrMeanour, this will pass and you will be ok. You will.

Beeyump · 30/10/2013 13:12

I think it's great that this thread has been started.

I am 15 months sober, thanks to a treatment centre and AA. It's a day at a time... Grin Oh, and I'm also 22, but please don't feel sorry for me!

OopsUpsideYourHead · 30/10/2013 13:16

Anything that seems like a reason to drink is an even better reason not to!

I like this! I have few useful phrases stored on my phone for when I need them, I think I'll add that one, thank you.

I only ever shared twice from the floor & it really didn't make me feel good at all, it made me feel worse so the thing that eventually led to my decision to leave AA entirely was that I kept being asked to do a share & I was running out of excuses. When I spoke to people about it I was advised to ask my sponsor, she told me to do it. I'm a bit stubborn Blush

MrMeanour · 30/10/2013 13:17

Nope I'm not a bloke Grin was trying to be witty with my n/c : ''misdemenour'" Smile

MrMeanour · 30/10/2013 13:19

which I cannot spell....
misdemeanor

Beeyump · 30/10/2013 13:23

And after I relapsed and returned to AA, I was shown...love, I guess. I was told 'you need never feel this way again'. Because I wanted to kill myself at that stage.

Original poster
youretoastmildred · 30/10/2013 13:23

Could we have a link to the "oblivion" article please?

Hi Beeyump!

OP posts:
Beeyump · 30/10/2013 13:24

Hi Mildred Smile Thanks for starting the thread!

MrMeanour · 30/10/2013 13:27

Sorry it's from the Mail if anyone has a problem with that ! oblivion drinkers

DaisyBD · 30/10/2013 13:28

When I spoke to people about it I was advised to ask my sponsor, she told me to do it. I'm a bit stubborn

I can totally identify with that! I'm really stubborn too. I do try to do whatever my sponsor tells me though, including sharing at meetings. We fell out once, about four years ago, because she wanted me to do 90 in 90 (meetings in days) and I absolutely couldn't fit it in. Well, I could have, but I didn't want to. So I didn't in the end. I can't remember how we resolved it, but we did and I'm really happy we did. I still have a close relationship with her, but I hardly ever go to meetings. I'm v conflicted about AA meetings, on the one hand I always feel better for going, but on the other I hate sharing and never want to go. I see it a bit like going to the gym.

FranTan · 30/10/2013 13:32

Ho hope you don't mind me adding my pennies worth on the number of meetings (baby napping so don't get to come on here many times a day).
When you get sober life continues to be shit sometimes but you are much better equipped to deal with it. Typically people who are newly sober or are still drinking are encouraged to attend frequent meetings, as I did. Just being around those who understood helped me immeasurably. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't the only one. Perhaps after a time you might reduce the meetings. I typically make only one meeting a week as my husband works away and I have small children. However, when the shot hits the fan it is good to up the meetings.
I was amazed by two friends or mine; one who got cancer and another whose girlfriend committed suicide. They attended daily meetings for several months because, despite having years or sobriety, were terrified that the thought of a drink might become a good idea. It didn't, thankfully. Other people attend lots of meetings simply because they want to show their gratitude by supporting those who are struggling to put it down.
Other people attend lots of meetings because hey, it's better to spend a few hours a week with friends than drinking alone at home.
X

MrMeanour · 30/10/2013 13:36

As we've pledged to be honest , I am going to say that I am beginning to feel an AA bias on here :( It is possible to do it without AA and I know my experience may have been extreme but I need support as much as everyone on here does, which hopefully can mean an exploration and talking about other ways too. Perhaps it's early days still on this thread. Sorry, but I'd rather say it than feel uncomfortable.

OopsUpsideYourHead · 30/10/2013 13:42

There does seem to be a few AA attenders on here but I'm comfortable with that as long as they're comfortable with the fact that AA didn't work for me and that other methods did.

Original poster
youretoastmildred · 30/10/2013 14:05

MrMeanour, does it bother you that some posters are talking about AA? It doesn't mean you have to go. And other approaches - I for one am very interested to hear about them but I don't know much. I am very interested to hear what you (or anyone else) has to say though.
We can only talk about what we know (which in my case is very little, I'm afraid)

What is SMART for instance, does anyone want to talk about that?

OP posts:
MrMeanour · 30/10/2013 14:06

I am being a bit sensitive aren't I? I apologise.

Original poster
youretoastmildred · 30/10/2013 14:13

Don't apologise!

OP posts:
DaisyBD · 30/10/2013 14:28

No don't apologise, it's a valid point. My own view is that parts of AA have worked for me, some bits of it I'm really not keen on, and I think that whatever works, works. I'm sad when people have a bad experience of AA, as there are some really good parts, and I'm very happy to hear about other things that have worked for other people.

For me, what really worked is that I had truly had enough of drinking, and the pain of continuing to drink became worse than the pain of trying a new path. Unlike many, I didn't have lots of goes at getting sober - I never really tried to moderate, for example (I think I knew that I would never be able to) and when it was time to give in, I had really surrendered. It was that or die, really. So I was lucky.

Sometimes I do wonder whether I'd be able to drink again in moderation (not that I ever did) and maybe I would, who knows. But I'm not sure, and I sure as hell don't want to find out that I'm wrong! I don't want to lose my new life, which I love. Sometimes it's shit, of course, but on the whole I love it.

MrMeanour · 30/10/2013 14:38

I'm a odd bod to be frank. I am one of these people who, once they have had a bad experience, be it a person, a situation or an event, I find it hard to let go and forgive I suppose the word is. I guess this manifests in that I don't want to hear the good about the thing that I found bad, if that makes sense. Of course, I know that many people get sober with AA and I suppose in a way I am jealous that I didn't - not because I didn't want to but because the pain I was experiencing there was too big for me to stay. I also know that the same people who caused me that pain are still there and probably doing the same to others! I wish I had been stronger and stuck it out and risen above it (I was there about 4 months I recall). So, That's why I was getting cross. I'll try and get over it! I will be getting sober sort of on my I guess - I have a wonderful dh and don't really go out a lot (saddo!) so hope I can draw strength from him and everyone here Smile

powellct · 30/10/2013 14:49

YTM - can't read the whole thread on my tiddly phone, but more than happy to point you in some directions for support if you want.
Huge congrats on 42 (now 44?) days dry.

Original poster
youretoastmildred · 30/10/2013 15:10

Thanks powellect. Yes 44, not counting (half-over) today. 45 when I go to bed tonight, (all going to plan!)

OP posts:
OopsUpsideYourHead · 30/10/2013 15:25

SMART is a scientifically based programme. Fellowship bashing is not allowed, it's as anonymous as AA & provides a support network in a similar way. Instead of sharing each person is given a chance to chat about the highs or lows of their day/week but it's more of a discussion than a monologue. Then the facilitator will demonstrate one of the tools used to keep sober or clean and relate it to the things talked about in the 1st bit of the meeting. The tools include addressing HALT (hungry angry lonely tired), riding the wave (of craving) & seeing the movie through to the end ie thinking beyond getting a buzz to what almost certainly lies beyond that & the consequences. There are other tools which I think you'll find online if you google. They have online meetings too if there aren't any in your city.

BrokenEggshells · 30/10/2013 16:01

You asked where I am now LoveDay? Yes I am ready to go now. A few things have come to light recently and it's been a series of wake-up calls. I honestly don't know where to turn for support. AA wouldn't suit me as there is only one in my town and it's a very small town. Not ready for that step yet. Plus I have the kids nearly 24/7 so it's not an option to find one in the next town. I am enjoying reading about the various different opinions on it however.

My parents wouldn't understand (big drinkers) as are most of my friends. Birds of a feather perhaps and as CjCregg stated also a culture of drinking here.

Well done on the 44 days Mildred and I find it quite inspiring to read about people stopping years.

Here I am on day one.