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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

999 replies

youretoastmildred · 28/10/2013 12:30

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

OP posts:
Sorcha1966 · 09/11/2013 18:17

Hi Water and welcome Smile you will find lots of support here for abstinence.

re tonight, if they are good friends I think they should understand if you say that it would be better for you not to go out tonight. No point in putting huge temptation in your way ? Alternatively, go with an escape plan... ?

HumOlive · 09/11/2013 18:48

Hi Water and welcome! What a dark, wet, cold and depressing day. OH has slept for most of it. How is it men can do that and the kids leave them alone? If it's me trying to slope off I'm interrupted by "Mum can you...?" on a loop.

Am contemplating getting ready for bed soon. Well getting pjs on at any rate.
I have just looked on "the other thread about drinking" and a similar message has been posted by MN management there too.
Not sure what to think. Thought there wasn't an issue anymore. Blush

Sorcha1966 · 09/11/2013 19:02

weird why someone thinks there can't be more than ONE thread about sobriety/drinking.

Its not as if there is only ONE thread about infidelity or DV (sadly)

Confused
MrsSippie · 09/11/2013 19:07

Ridiculous Angry I don't know why but this has really made me so pissed off. it's like we're not as important as the other thread - so bloody unnecessary.

BrokenEggshells · 09/11/2013 19:13

Hi water if they are old friends, supportive and know you aren't drinking I'm sure they will understand either way. What do you want to do? Do you think you would be tempted to drink?

How are you getting on with your first sober weekend fiddle?

I had to go and nose after reading your comment Hum Judging by the posts there I think everyone understands why we feel the need for a separate thread. I think both are good :) God I know, last time I dared to close my eyes for five seconds on the sofa I got a smack in the stomach and my hair being pulled from the 1yo and the 6yo rhyming 'mum wake up'. Wasn't even asleep. I can't wait to get them back when they're teenagers Grin

HumOlive · 09/11/2013 19:30

Sippie, I'm happy to be here. I don't want to hear about people having a couple of glasses of wine then putting the bottle back.
It's great if you can but I can't and doubt I ever will.

I don't need to pretend I'm on a bus full of witty characters making light of it all.
I know there is more to it than that and the thread in question is a wonderful source of support for many MNers.
I do think there's room for both threads to run alongside each other.
It's not a biggie is it? Not sure why a statement needed to be issued but there you go...Wink

BrokenEggshells · 09/11/2013 19:32

I think the point is the other thread has been about four years or so and has helped so many people. I don't think it's a case of not being as important but it has taken them years to establish that place were people feel comfortable and I believe mnhq were just giving a gentle reminder of that. Well that and a reminder not to 'sleg each other off' as we would say in Northern Ireland. I think Grin

As long as both are helping and supporting people I don't see an issue at all.

MrsSippie · 09/11/2013 19:36

Ok Smile I got a little over defensive there. Will continue on here and hopefully be helpful, and definitely be helped Flowers

lonnika · 09/11/2013 19:41

Hi all, I think there is room for all threads :)
Bought some new Pjs today ad sis gave me a gift card for bday - so bought expensive ones (well ones that cos 40 pounds). Figured I spend a lot of time in pjs so need expensive ones.

ave been up for hours as took my DD to her training session this morning - something I rare,y do (in the past due to drinking in a Friday night- she has to be there for 5 am!!!!). - love feeling n control etc but can totally relate to the 'is this it' element - feeling like I am mourning the loss of a friend that I can never see again :(.
In pjs now - good luck to all for tonight :)

HumOlive · 09/11/2013 19:48

That's exactly how I feel. Like I'm mourning a friend. Someone that made the shit times bearable and the stresses of life fade away.
It's all smoke and mirrors though. In the cold light of day life is still shit and stressful and in addition to that I also have an alcohol problem to deal with!

I need to keep reminding myself of this. Getting pissed over and over again will make everything in my life much much worse in the long term.
It has to be this way.

BrokenEggshells · 09/11/2013 19:48

Oh lovely lonnika there's nothing nicer than new pjs to snuggle into. I always get loads of new sets for Christmas.

My sis actually paid me a compliment today and said my skin was looking really well. I've noticed myself the last few days there's definitely more of a glow off it. Don't think it's kicking the booze into touch that's done it, more a case of now I'm taking my make-up off every night properly and moisturising rather than falling asleep pissed with it on all the time.

HumOlive · 09/11/2013 19:51

Lonnika, love new PJ's. Smile

BrokenEggshells · 09/11/2013 19:54

And yes I'm missing what feels like a friend tonight. Sitting here alone as per usual and it sucks. When I was drinking it made it less lonely if that makes any sense?

Listening to taxis toing and froing here, beeping horns and taking people out on their Saturday nights out. Facebook full of bloody photos of booze bottles. Why do people do that? Can't say I've ever taken a photo of my drink, or dinner for that matter to post.

lonnika · 09/11/2013 19:56

Anhh thanks all - Broken it s amazing hw soon we can see positive changes isn't it :). I love moisturising now too lol - which I am sure. Just normal routine o mst but sucha new way of life for us !! Pleased ths thread is here - keeps me sting knowing others are feeling/going through the same :).

lonnika · 09/11/2013 19:57

Appologies for spelling errors - fat fingers ;)

HumOlive · 09/11/2013 20:00

I remember taking a photo of the debris from a house party years ago. It featured a table weighed down with bottles, glasses and butt ends.
It made me feel sick looking at it.

Wish I'd halted the out if control drinking when I was in my twenties.
This has gone on for too long.

HumOlive · 09/11/2013 20:07

Just rambling on a bit now but I think for me success will come when I find the person I think I become(after a couple of drinks, before it gets messy) and can be her without alcohol.

Part of me is scared that without a few drinks I'm just a miserable, boring bastard.

I want to feel life is doable and bearable without alcohol.

Btw, my life is no worse than millions of others. I have a lot to be grateful for.
It needs to be enough.

BrokenEggshells · 09/11/2013 20:15

Yep wish I had halted mine too Hum.

I was speaking to a friend of my ex a few months ago. He was a pretty big drinker and he told me he's now stopped three years. His words 'best thing I ever did and don't miss it a bit'. Gives me hope that there is a life without alcohol. Anyone I know who has given it up has really pushed to achieve things after.

MrsSippie · 09/11/2013 20:16

Dh always tells me how good my skin is looking after I've not been drinking - it makes a huge diffrence. I've just sat and read the biography of Amy Winehouse written by her dad. Very sad. She managed to kick the class A drugs but just couldn't get off alcohol. It really is a horrible drug in vulnerable hands isn't it :(

BrokenEggshells · 09/11/2013 20:26

Such a waste of a talent Sippie. I watched an interview with Blake her ex-husband, ok I admit it was Jeremy Kyle, and it was very sad. She was a binge drinker too and I remember reading in a newspaper she gave 'boredom' as one of the reasons for drinking. Makes you think really.

youretoastmildred · 09/11/2013 20:27

Hello everyone

Sorry to hear about so many of you feeling the same kind of hopelessness and exhaustion.
the lack of personal space can be terrible for some people. I think you just have to keep hanging on, keep realising that it is not for ever. It is a fucking marathon but not the whole rest of our lives. I hope.

well done everyone who is hanging in there.

We went to dd1's school fireworks tonight, they had a gazebo with a bar in it and I was interested to see some parents displaying all the signs of managing drinks in order to drink as much as possible. Subtle things, take-one-to-know-one kind of thing. Lots of people thinking, "oh why not have a glass of wine" and having one; a few people thinking "what the hell is the point of one?" and making sure they get a good few in. Nice not to be on that treadmill.

OP posts:
JustWaltzingMatilda · 09/11/2013 20:33

Hi HumOlive. I think it's this sort of comment that comes across as being unnecessary - I don't need to pretend I'm on a bus full of witty characters making light of it all

It sounds as if you are taking the piss, tbh.

All the 'making light of it' that you talk about has a purpose. It keeps people sober. It stops people picking up that first glass. They can come and chat and be silly and talk nonsense. So what? It doesn't hurt anyone but it's not too strong to say it does save lives.

We all know how bad alcohol addictions can get. We all know the 'yets'. If a person is lonely, bored, fed up and just wants to pass the time with someone, who cares if they pretend they are on a bus or a horse or a flipping dolphin. They aren't drinking and that's all that matters.

It's fine to say you don't want to hear about how people are cutting back or moderating their drinking, that's really important for sobriety and you are right to put your own needs first.

I also agree that a separate thread for abstinence is a great idea. It's clear that no-one on this thread wants to hear about drinking so if posters want to talk about a relapse they can go and chat on the other thread if they want to and then come back here when they're ready.

There is a place for both threads, they both serve an immensely valuable purpose.

lonnika · 09/11/2013 20:34

Its funny - in the summer I got some kind of wired sense of superiority driving past people in beer gardens - I felt soooo smug and pleased I no longer drank - looking forward to that feeling again :)

youretoastmildred · 09/11/2013 20:42

MrsSippie I too was furious about that note from MNHQ btw, and I hope you are feeling calmer now. I am. Don't let it ruin your equilibrium or your evening.

I think it is pathetic because it shows that people on the other thread have been complaining about us. (unless someone here has been complaining about them, which I doubt, but I guess I could be wrong..... )
Why? We don't do what they do. We haven't attempted to change their thread or tell them what to do. I got really annoyed actually and it was a good opportunity to examine my feelings - all sorts of personal triggers for me here which it is good for me to be conscious of.

In a nutshell, when I was younger, I was often bullied and controlled by people (fuck it, I mean my sister, and bullies at school, when I was always the youngest in the class) who insisted on doing things a certain way, made sure I didn't feel welcome, and then got very upset and angry and annoyed when I went off and did things on my own instead. Sometimes I even found I actually had friends after breaking away, who had followed me, and that made the original bullies absolutely fucking furious and super-vile to me, because they are the sort who need to feel unchallenged, in charge, to have followers.

The form the vileness often took was to take steps to get me in some form of trouble with some sort of authority. And often, after being very controlling and aggressive, to manipulate the situation so that they can be seen as victims.

Much of the above is simply not relevant here. But what is relevant, is that knowing how they do things is none of my business, and making no attempt to change it, I simply left and did my own thing and this is somehow perceived as aggression! And is moaned about! To the Authorities.
I mean how insecure and controlling do you have to be, to moan that someone else has started a thread on a public forum that is related to, but a bit different from, a thread you are a regular on. Pathetic.

Of course I am only assuming someone must have complained as what else would have made mnhq comment. And it is probably a tiny minority and most of the posters on that thread just wouldn't bother and wish anyone here, and anywhere else, all the best. As I do to them. I don't think any the worse of any of them, because I don't know who did it, and who to think the worse of. If I did know I would think them pathetic.

OP posts:
HumOlive · 09/11/2013 20:44

Matilda, I'm not taking the piss at all. I simply don't need a virtual bus to sit in.
Is it not possible to say anything??