is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

Those who have been sober a longtime... did you KNOW you were going to do it ? did you feel confident that you could ?

Yes because I couldn't bear bring That Drunk any more.

I was a fucking joke.

My behaviour was a disgrace and even the burning memory of years of my own father being a drunken twat couldn't stop me.

My daughter at 10 saw me so pissed I couldn't stand up. She cried her heart out.

That was enough.

That, and reinventing myself as a reformed drinker, runner and kinder person.

Had to stop seeing a lot of people but frankly they were drunken twats as well. No real loss. We only really ever had boozing in common. And we all know what a powerful bond that can be.

I wanted to be dignified.

I don't mind drinking water. I do mind the people who flap about scratching their heads 'oooh, you're not drinking? I think we've got some cordial, would that do? Not a small one? Wish I'd known I could have got something special in for you.' Ad bloody attention-drawing finitum.

I just KNEW that my pride and my children were more important than the oblivion.

Therapy was probably the best thing I ever did. Not for everyone, but the need for blackout has faded to almost nothing.

And there's always cheese and cake and more running when things get rubbish!

Thank you very much everyone I really just wanted some opinions- good and bad, so that I could work out what I think and this has really helped.

mildred yes- I agree I have spoken to my sponsor and taken that step back. I also need to stop making a drama out of nothing- something i have struggled with since I stopped drinking.
Old me= that sucks. where's the wine?
New me= Bloody hell? What should I do,what should I think? help!!!!
I know it will all balance out the longer I stay off the sauce.

Re- drinking and parents, that's a hard situation. The only way I could cope would be to disappear for long,quiet rests with a book or go out for a long walk well away from the pub. Can you plead illness or a sudden need to take up jogging next time?

Sorry to hear about your daughter zoo but glad to hear that you are sober.

Does anyone have a list of vitamins that are good for the newly sober to take?
I take a B vit and I normally take vit c. I didn't know about Vit D.

sorcha I haven't been sober long but it was a gradual realisation followed by nearly a year of trying to control my drinking,with little success. It had all stopped being fun a long time ago and was making me miserable. By December last year I knew that I couldn't do it by myself anymore I needed rl help- hence aa.

Brick:

"I do mind the people who flap about scratching their heads 'oooh, you're not drinking? I think we've got some cordial, would that do? Not a small one? Wish I'd known I could have got something special in for you.' Ad bloody attention-drawing finitum."

This I can't bear. I like events in the day time where there are lots of people with children and lots of people driving where it is no big deal that not everyone is hurling themselves into a bottle. But as with dieting I wish there were a button you could just press that would automatically run a zip across the mouth of a person who is determined to make a HUGE FUCKING DEAL of what you are not putting into your OWN BODY which is nothing to do with them.

Those who have been sober a longtime... did you KNOW you were going to do it ? did you feel confident that you could?

I just KNEW that my pride and my children were more important than the oblivion.

^Just this really, Scorcha.

I knew I had to stop. I spent so much time thinking about out how to hide my drinking that I was exhausted. I spent the rest of my time thinking about how was it possible to stop?

I stay sober by playing the film to the end. Every time I try to romanticise alcohol, that's what I do. It wasn't romantic, it was ugly for me. I would often have a drink before I picked my daughter up from school so I could face the school gates - how appalling is that?! There are so many incidents like these that I now pluck out of my mind, sometimes just to torture myself, but mostly to consolidate my sobriety.

Just as I know one breath follows another, I know for me it is never ever going to be just the glass or sharing a single bottle of wine (who does that?). And that's also why I haven't had a drink in 3 years, I might not stop this time, there are so many who can't find their way back.

It's such a personal journey, though and none of us are safe, but certain tactics and therapy can help enormously.

During the first 6 months of being AF, it was hard, I went to AA, talked to recovering alcoholics, exercised like mad, but in the long term that path wasn't for me. I didn't 12-step or have a sponsor and was told I was extremely vulnerable to relapse, but I haven't. I've just plodded on.That's what I mean about it being so personal, it's about taking what you need when you need it.

I can relate to so much on this thread.

GE

Can I join in, I am fed up of being a slave to the booze, I am fed up of it coming first, I am fed up of getting fatter and fatter, I am fed up of obsessing about how much I am drinking and trying to enable myself to carry on by only drinking this much or that much.
I don't want it in my life anymore, I don't want it in my children's lives any more so I am changing. I have tried to many times to cut down, only drink at the weekends and it always leads back to drinking more and more.
I'd love to be a part of this thread, I feel really strong at the moment and confident but I know there will be times that I struggle.

welcome . This is fabulous !

Talking of normalising alcohol. I spent two years when dd1 was 5 - 7 :( drinking from 10am in the morning ( I got her to school didn't I???!) until god knows when. It became me, I don't ever recall even feeling 'drunk'. It was just what I did. Horrific. Just horrific.

I used to drink from a mug so 'no-one knew' (hahahaha!)

When dh and I first got together he was quite horrified that I would bring a bottle to bed -as in first thing in the morning- for us to start on - it had become My Life. Insanity. Pure and simple.

Things did get better when we started being serious (when dd was7) but I still drank 'alcoholically' for years. Then the hiding of bottles, the missing work to go drinking but pretending I was at 'meetings'.

Getting hammered and ending up with people I would never ever have been seen with. God it's awful I am so ashamed.

The last few years have been ok. I have managed to keep it down - ish. I have learned to binge rather than top up, but that's no life either. being proud that I've gone for a week without a drink 'look at me!' only to demolish seven bottles over three days. Yes, really controlling it there... So, this has to be it.

I didn't intend for all that to come out. It feels better, seeing it written down.

Thank you BrickorCleat and GlowingEmbers for your honesty. It really helps reading about your reasons and the journey you have taken to long-term sobriety.

Hi fiddlemethis

hi fiddlemethis. welcome. .

Hello fiddlemethis welcome . Is today Day1 ?

mrssippie; brikor and glowing thank you for your honesty.. It really helps me to feel less alone...

I have known for YEARS that I would be 'better'/'healthier' whatever If I stopped drinking. I have never been able to face it - not properly. For me the final decision came out of nowhere really - I hadn't done anything particularly awful for at least a month ... I just woke up last Tuesday with a vague dull headache - (ONLY one bottle the night before so the usual vague dull headache) and thought "this is stupid"...

I started very much looking only at that one day, as I had plans for Thursday, Friday and Saturday that I thought MUST involve me drinking.... but when these events came along I found I could either not go - or go and NOT drink... This has given me some confidence that I could manage other social events without drinking ... But I am still very afraid that I will lapse ..

the film thing helps - I do that now too...

Fuck.

I went to the shops to get dinner for kids.

Bought vodka, have drunk1/2 bottle, then caught on, poured out the rest.

I was doing too well. When I do well I always end up sabotaging it!

Fuck.

Weegie, when was this? Today or yesterday?

Mine was 'the fear' that stopped me from stopping drinking. The rest of my life seemed like a very long time. Not only weekends and whatever excuse for during the week, then there was the likes of Christmas, New Years, my birthday, holidays coming up. How on earth would I cope without my crutch that has participated in every occasion such as that? Silly really, there will always be some excuse not to stop.

I'd also been thinking about it for years. Not long after ds was born I remember googling AA in my area so I know I've had a problem with alcohol for many years.

It seems like serendipity I had been thinking about it long and hard recently after an incident that had occurred months ago but I'd only learnt about it a week before (black-out) and then this thread came along. After learning what I did I knew my behaviour could no longer continue and there was no time like the present.

Yes I'm frightened of lapsing Sorcha but I think I would be more worried if I found it too easy. Or maybe that's my personality always worrying about something.

Are you ok Weegie?

I really thought I had replied this morning but my post isn't there. Aaaargh!

I don't want to out myself but I do I guess want to share where this takes you.

I drank nightly after work whilst parenting DD for around 18 months, worked FT in professional job, she never missed nursery, and I muddled through with a lot of denial and DD saw me drunk- not falling over, but not able to be emotionally present either. Then I moved when she was nearly 4 nearer to family as I realised I needed more support. Asked for help from GP who phoned social services, and AA, at which point I switched from a daily to a binge drinker as described by MrsSippie, and then the family I'd moved nearer to found me drinking in the day in charge of DD one weekend and phoned Social Services. And a month later they did it again - 3 strikes and you're out kind of thing - and DD was taken and placed into foster care.

It is so very rare for family to do that, rather than help and try and keep people from knowing, that SS were compelled to act. I struggle in a big way still with forgiveness in that area. DD came home, one night 6 weeks later I did what weegiemum has done tonight and family found out, all over.

SS took me to court... and then I really lost it. A+E visits, collapses in the street, putting myself at huge risk, falling down the stairs - I was in absolute chaos and miserable. I went to rehab, and there broke down and told Social Services I couldn't get better fast enough.

Then my major accident happened and since then I've been sober, by the grace of God. I was 9 months sober by the time DD was adopted but there was no way back, especially as I am now disabled.

There were no signs of neglect, no proof of harm, but the potential emotional neglect was enough. I have done some terrible things, and felt like I didn't deserve my DD, that she deserved better than me. I felt I was being selfish by wanting her home, and felt that I would just fail again. I love her with all my heart and that love meant that I had to let her go, to where she could have the stability and security she deserves. Except for some of the above is lies, SS lies, depression telling me lies, self-pitying alcoholism telling me lies. I hope one day she will forgive me but I know I have no right to that.

weegiemum who else can look after the children whilst you recover? Be kind to yourself. But also add this to the evidence that alcoholism is too powerful for you to fight in your own strength. You have a Saviour for that.

Whoever asked did I know I was going to stop - I thought I would never get it. Then I landed in Intensive Care and not only was the game up, I knew that the God I'd half way served, one foot in the church and one out, had kept me from dying, and my life was to change. Not everyone has that kind of experience - but it was worth all the pain and the fact that 16 months on I am still being operated on to reconstruct my legs, to be sober. My life is really divided - before and after. After is so much better, even though it is agonising that it's not enough to bring my DD home. I miss her all the time, daily, hourly - still. I'm in counselling. It's slow progress, but it's progress.

Well done on getting rid of it weegie. When I first got sober I couldn't even look at the alcohol sections of the shops,there were some shops I stopped going to for a bit until I could handle it. Tricky if I needed something but well worth avoiding for the first 3 months.

This is such an interesting thread,really enjoying reading the sobriety stories.

Thanks for that kotinka might get out to Boots in a bit.

Sorcha, I had my last drink on Sunday so I have a few days under my belt. I have a slight headache and feel exhausted today but I think I recall that from previous give up attempts around this day.
I have to go to a pub tonight but in a professional capacity and I will have my mum with me who knows whats going on so feel confident I won't drink. I did have to cancel a night out on saturday though, I just don't think I am ready to do what I used to do without alcohol yet.
I'm going to read back this thread when I get a chance.
I know exactly what you mean brokeneggshells, the fear of Christmas, birthday, holidays and not drinking sort of stopped me giving up, it was almost as if I just couldn't not drink on those occasions so why bother stopping?!
Madness.

zoo I x posted with you.
Thank you for being here and being brave enough to share some strength and hope with us today.I hope that you will spend some time with your dd again soon and that your operations go well.

Alcoholism is a vile disease. One of my uncles is nearing the end of his life because of alcohol and it is horrid to watch. He's not a bad man- he's only harmed himself really.Think if I had a magic wand I'd rid the world of addiction & addictive substances.

zoo I find that so painful to read. I am so sorry that no-one was able to offer you help so that that final step of DD being adopted didn't have to happen

Thank you for being so honest. I truly hope that one day your DD comes looking for you and you are able to have a loving relationship as adults.

weegie I hope you are ok.

fiddle me I felt dreadful from the day stopped for about 7 days ... as though I HAD been drinking.....I do feel better/clearer now

Egg the fear and excuses you describe - that was me too. I have already found, to a limited extent that if you don't look too far ahead and just meet each occasion as it comes, then t is possible to menage without alcohol

zoo so so sad. I cried reading that - feel so lucky that a) my dd's dad was there to take her away at times (despite being a knob) and b) my mother is such a terrible snob and so terrified of 'them knowing' that she would never have involved ss, although god knows, I probably needed them. Such a heart wrenching story.

Welcome Fiddle. Thank you zoo for sharing your story. I am so sorry you didn't get to keep your daughter.

I also hope you get the chance one day to have a relationship with her.

Weegie, are you ok? Do you feel drunk still? Good for you for binning the rest of the vodka.
I feel very vulnerable today. Can't stop thinking about alcohol and keep having to resist the strong urge to go out and get some.
I'm feeling irritated, bored and would like to feel a bit drunk.

It's never just a bit though...

Zoo I found that heartbreaking, I don't know what else to say only that I think you are incredibly brave.

Hum I'm the same today. Been thinking today about how I usually make some lovely chocolate vodka like I do every year heading up to Christmas - under the pretence they'll be Christmas presents then I drink it all myself . Must be the nip in the air of impending winter putting the idea in my head.

Thank goodness it's ds's club night tonight so that'll take my mind of it for an hour or so. On that note must go and get the kiddies ready

zoo you are so brave and I hope that your kegs and heart are less painful over time.

You really made me realise how close we all are to losing everything to drinking.

I am thinking of you xx

Thanks for that long and very intense post, goingtothezoo.
I hope your legs are getting better.
thanks for sharing. I can see why you struggle to forgive your family whom you asked for help.
Do you mind me asking what the accident was? (you don't have to say of course)

Weegie please come and talk to us.

thanks for that "30 things to stop doing" post. Very interesting. lots of good stuff about looking forward and not back.

Have a good day everyone. thanks so much for putting your stories up here, I do love to read them and feel closer to everyone battling this thing (along with all the other big and small daily battles). WARRIORS!