is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

Foul hangovers here. Hasn't stopped me though. What's even worse is when part of your hangover is the result of "secret drinking" you've got to pretend you're fine.

Painful and exhausting. I'm a better actress than I ever realised it seems.

In fact it was more than three years ago as I was drinking with my ex who I had just broken up with. After three days and nights of drinking cheap strong cider with barely any sleep I then decided in my glorious drunken wisdom to go to my friend's who was having a party, swaying in the taxi all the way. Reached her house, passed out on her bed and puked in my sleep. Classy!! She wasn't amused in the slightest and I can't blame her. Scary looking back to think I could have choked on my own vomit, as happened to someone my age not so long ago in my town.

My experience is that I counted days until I had lots of days, and then I counted weeks until I had lots of them, and then I counted months. On my 1st birthday I had a 'party' - a lovely sober meal out with the people whose support and love had helped get me well again. It was an amazing evening to remember.
Since then, I've not noticed the date of the month that gets me to a round number of months (iyswim) a couple of times. It's got to a day or several past it and I've said to DP, oh, it's 14, 15, 16 months since I had a drink, and I missed it!
I am one usually for anniversaries and I think they are important, some might disagree, but my sobriety date is as important if not more so than my actual birthday. That's just now, if I get to the years that some on this thread have, I might feel differently and barely notice it's passing.

MrMeanor my heart really ached for you and DD, I know my DD noticed I was poorly, and I guess I don't yet know how much effect it had on her.
However my family reported me to Social Services and she was taken away.

Sorcha I'd expect you to feel all over the place at this stage really. It's normal. It takes a long time. I don't know how it is normally, because I came to in ITU after my last drink, but that really helped me get some space from it. I was all over the place and all I had to do was sit in a hospital bed. If life is not something you/I are used to without a drink then it does feel like learning to live again.

I'm 32. My DD ... isn't my DD any more, my PR was removed.

oh yes, I know that one, the secret drinking hangover.
One night around Christmas about 11 years ago, I went home from a dinner with my parents and brother and started drinking vodka for no good reason other than I was alone at last and I had a bottle in the freezer. Nearly finished the damn thing. Got into bed and the next thing I knew was the phone was ringing, my brother joking about how I was probably about to miss the train booked for our day out, thinking I was really round the corner from the station. Laughed, got off the phone, flew around, got into a cab, got the train with less than a minute to spare, spent the whole day pretending to be bright and breezy. It was hellacious.

dd2 is really playing up. I am desperate for sleep. I am going to go and have a bath and then take over from dp

Mildred, those performances after secret drinking sessions are agonising.
The fake cheery smile, the bright and breezy attitude that actually hurts to carry off.

The retching in toilets, fearful you're going to be sick in public, shockingly and inappropriately.

Hideous.

Off to bed early again. Find it easier to snuggle down in bed and feel safe.

Night all.
We're all on the right road. That's the main thing.

Hi all - another sober day clocked up. Did have a wobble earlier on but managed to play the film through to the end. Sooo tired now - ready for bed - night all xx

weregoingtothezoo . . . so sorry to read that about your daughter. I dont know what else to say. . you have been through tough times then. but your one year celebration is a fabulous idea and you are obviously a strong person now.

I just had an awful secret drInking memory. DH and I were at a local wedding and I made a big statement to him that I wouldn't drink and prove how i didn't need it. i didn't until about midnight and thought nobody would notice if i knocked back double vodkas as they were all drunk and very annoying. At around 2am . . and with no taxis allowed. . DH told some friends i would drive an ill friend home as I wasnt drinking. I appeared sober but i couldn't possibly drive. I had to say I just didn't want to. . . noone could look me
in the eye and who knows what they thought. . . and I couldn't think of a good reason not to. and yet another row with DH. actually they all probably knew i drunk. what a fool

no taxi available. . not allowed

Evening all, just a quick check in, will post properly tomorrow having read the rest of the thread- done Day 6 now without a drink. Been at an exercise class with a friend, in a bid to keep myself occupied, only recently got back and eaten/showered etc.

Sleep well, will be back tomorrow

X posts sorry.
Sorry about your dd, zoo. Don't want to pry but here if you want to talk about it

Very sorry to hear about your dd wearegoingtothezoo. I have a (male) friend in a similar position. His PR was removed due to his alcoholism. His dd is now a teenager and I know he hopes when she gets older they can make amends.

You are doing bloody marvellous now and I love the idea of a 1st year party.

Sorry "goingthezoo". I really am. I don't know what else to say but I want to know I totally feel for you.

I hope I haven't killed the thread!

Good morning. Feeling bit defeatist. Thinking ahead to Christmas. It's usually an excuse for all day drinking here.

Can't remember my last sober Xmas day.

Not exactly alcohol related but a lot of points are applicable.

30 things to stop doing to yourself

Hiya,

Sorry to change the discussion (just ignore) but is there anyone who can talk to me in a general way about doing amends in aa?

I have a fantastic sponsor who,quite rightly wants to talk to me about making amends but really I'm just struggling to cope with work,being a mum,general life crap and the thought of doing an amend is just making me panic. Can I say no? Leave it until I'm ready? I'm sober and I'm not going to drink just anxious and feeling pressured.

I should also admit that when we did my amends list I went a bit overboard and admitted to every tiny bit of poor behaviour from birth onwards. I was brought up catholic now I feel a bit silly and that some of them are all a bit unnecessary.I have made amends everyday to Dh & Ds,possibly even to myself.

My sponsor isn't forcing me to do this but I'm so worried and upset.

Also, I'm an idiot,aren't I?

Hi all

zoo I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter - please don't answer if you would prefer not to - but do you still see her ? is this in anyway possible to reverse ?

mildred - in the spirit of the thread I'm going to ask you WHY you decided that drinking was a good idea? Did it, in fact, make dealing with your parents easier ? or was it just easier to drink than explain why you were not ? and if the latter, why is that ?? Why does what they think matter so much to you that a carefully considered decision for YOU in the best interests of YOUR health and family is overruled by THEM ?? ( I apologise if I seem challenging- or unkind- I really don't mean it that way, just that for me personally being challenged helps me develop my thinking .) But well done for restarting AF ! what date would you like on the sobriety list when I post it again ?

I did my blood tests again on Monday. My liver function is normal now ! BUT bone marrow taken a hammering form alcohol and interestingly my vitamin D level is pretty low. This may be one reason I feel so shit. Will be a trip to Boots later to get some multi vitamins for me DH and the kids, and some extra vitamin D for me...

Those who have been sober a longtime... did you KNOW you were going to do it ? did you feel confident that you could ? I know I want to ( although even that is tempered with feelings of loss when I think of myself as a non drinker) - but somehow I doubt that I CAN. As though somehow alcohol is bigger than me - and my rational mind is a slave to my need to drink.

Day 10 today. Think about alcohol non stop right now. Literally every few seconds I'm thinking about it. I don't want to drink but I find the thoughts exhausting and demoralising

Hugs to all

Sorcha x

Firstly, no, you are not an idiot.
Secondly, I don't know anything about aa and amends but it sounds to me like you really need to take a step back from this.

Some massive projection coming up, so ignore if this is not relevant to you:

I was brought up Catholic too and I feel that I was sort of encouraged to dwell on every fault and failing. Paradoxically this uber-perfectionist behaviour is actually a driver of my worst faults as it sits very close to the "fuck it, I'll give up then" button.
I have heard that alcoholics are often perfectionists.
I think that for a person counselling an alcoholic there is a very tricky road to tread between useless, complacent "you're alright, hun" stuff and pushing the hardness on yourself (that you are prone to anyway) that can be counter-productive. sounds like your sponsor is struggling with this balance and it may be a good idea to open up about it and your struggling with this.

I am no longer Catholic but don't forget that the two sins against Hope are Presumption (we all know what that is) but also Despair. Don't let anyone drive you to despair. If you are exhausted and need to regroup to recover your hope then you must.

I think that a lot of traditional white-man-spiritual-stuff is better at dealing with presumption than despair. And I think some of this tendency is at the basis of AA. White men in developed nations are more likely to need knocking down a bit than building up a bit. Bear this in mind.

Good luck guggs I don't know why I am advising you when you are doing so well and I am on day 3!

Sorry Guggenheim I know nothing about AA but I can't see how putting yourself under pressure and feeling anxious about something is helping. I would have thought that you take the steps in your own time?

Well done for getting your tests redone Sorcha. I've been contemplating getting a bit of an MOT done at the gp. Get some cod liver oil for vit D. Some yogurts have added vit D in them too.

Don't look at the thoughts as demoralising. Read a good metaphor in the Jason Vale book that stopping drinking is like when you change cars and your indicators and wipers are in the opposite places. Your brain will keep putting on the wipers when you mean to indicate but eventually you get used to it and retrain your brain. Double figures. Go you!!

x-posted with Sorcha

Glad to hear your liver is better.

Why? - because I find them utterly exhausting. I was exhausted anyway and I needed something to get me through the interminable dinner that hits at the end of the day (the post-childcare day) when I want to give up and read a book and not deal with anyone.
I started later than I usually would and stopped earlier and had a lot of difficulty doing that. (Stopping drinking)
The arguments in my head about how and whether to open another bottle - brazen it out offer it breezily to everyone? open it secretly in the utility room? how do you get the cork out without it making a noise? - you know all the crap - very boring and tiring but somehow I closed it down each night without drinking extra, alone

I am not standing up for my decision to drink, just answering Sorcha's questions

Since they left I haven't considered drinking although dp has been drinking at home

Good morning. Had a horrible 'smoking' dream - I hate them !!

Also really sorry to hear about your daughter were there but for the grace of God.. I was lucky that my dd's father (despite being a 1st class got) did see her a lot and my mother was there for me..I sometimes wonder though how she stayed with me. Thank goodness she did.
At work right now stressing about funding and staying afloat (charity sector manager) but looking forward to the weekend too I have lots of things planned to keep my mind off drinking -some of which involve driving so I can't drink. Christmas is stressing me out a bit too :(
God this is hard though. Thank you all for being here. We can do it

well done mildred; I recognise that feeling of exhaustion very well - and feeling trapped...

Guggenheim - re amends . I haven't engaged with AA mainly because my exH is big into the local AA ...BUT. At the time he was doing his steps and got to "amends" he wanted to see me and 'say something' to me... I refused as every meeting between us ended in him verbally abusing me... a friend of mine who HAS done a 12 steps programme talked about 'living amends' - not so 'easy' as saying 'sorry'; but that by living in a different way, making changes and not being the person you were that caused damage, you SHOW by your actions that you are sorry and regret what you did.
My ExH has always, IMHO, paid lip service to the whole thing really - but I did bat that one back at him - no words could ever make up for his emotional, verbal and physical abuse - but living as a different man and being a decent father to our children might have helped.... (If he REALLY wanted to make amends)

Sorry, that may have got off the point a bit. But I agree with the others as well. These 'steps' are meant to be undertaken in your own time ? Maybe you are not ready right now - maybe you cant 'mend' everything by words.. I know I cant take away the 'benign neglect' that DC1 has suffered at times because of my drinking - or the fear the DC2 felt when I was so drunk I couldn't walk .. Only me being a different mum can show that I know what I did was wrong and I am sorry. What you are doing, every day, to / with your DH and DS sounds like great 'amends' to me.

One of my exes is also a HUGE AA person. We had a very unhealthy drink and drugs based relationship which was incredibly destructive a long while back.. He has been going for years and when I briefly went along he was there at every meeting. It was ok, we get on alright, but it did kind of occur to me that he never did the 'amends' bit with me over those twelve tears, and he bloody had a lot he could have said to me!! Made me think can you pick and choose your amends?