is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

powellct I really identify with "things are rarely as bad,awful or catstrophic as I imagine them to be" I am a past master at clearing away the debris of the future.... and yet rationally things rarely turn out to be the awful stuff I have in my head.

I can really identify with the red fuckit button. To a lesser degree I do this every time my drinking gets out of control.
The time I press the button and don't care anymore is the day it's over for me.
Am determined to not let that happen.

Thank you, you lovely people. I'd had a wobble but am back on board. It's been thoughts I'd had from v early on (like Wednesday!) and i'd felt such a novice. My friends and family will say 'you are an open book, just looking at your face tells everyone anything they need to know about you'. So just now I put my hand up and said stuff, as you can't actually see my face.

As you were....

Day 4 is a tricky cove. But it's slipping by.

'Not as bad as others.. yet" That's something I have identified with up the thread.. i have not been in trouble with the law, have not lost my job, children or relationships through alcohol YET.

But I see how close the line is between NOW when things are ok, and one small error and the whole house of cards could come tumbling down.

I have 'only' been drinking 60 -70 units a week ONLY ??? what the fuck - that is 5 x the recommended limits - and its impacting negatively on MY life. I have missed work due to drinking this year - ok, only once - but countless more days I have been below standard, irritable and performed poorly because I have been hungover ....

Its time to stop. While I am my family are still intact.

4th night tonight I have been to the supermarket and walked past the lovely bottles of wine - bought 2 bottles of expensive cordial, some diet coke fizzy water and lemons/limes. DH is not drinking too , at least today. I feel very lucky that he is supporting me. Less alone. I still feel glued to this thread as though I need your support too. Will be ok tonight as there is no alcohol in the house .

mildred When do your parents arrive ?

Humolive I will back up the other posters who say we've all done things we are ashamed of with regards to our kids and drinking :( Glad to hear mine isn't the only teenage 6 year old!

I get health anxiety too lonniker. After drinking it was far worse and I frequently spent the next day on the outsides of panic attacks, trying desperately to keep it together. Then would have drink to calm down only for the next day it to hit me again.

Loveday mine would be a yet too. I haven't lost anything. I've kept a home, jobs, relationships (bar the ones I didn't want - ha), studied at the same time as working and came top of my class. I just came to realise if I carry on the way I have been doing especially recently, I will come to harm myself through putting myself in a situation inebriated or will lose my kids eventually (my biggest fear).

Actually I tell a lie - I did lose something. My self-respect.

I was like a dog with 2 tails when I made 3 days dry. The girl who used to run the peer support group I went to still reminds me of it (I still see her in my "peer mentor" role)
Don't take anything away from the power this has over you - particularly as its permanently in your face - on the TV, in the supermarket on special offer, in the pub where people are having fun.
Or are they.
There has to be some things we find attractive about it or we wouldn't do it. These are the things that you really need to look at. It might be "its sociable", a favourite that comes up is "escape/blot out". It might simply be "I enjoy being pissed".
These will be your target points - because we all know the fallout of continued drinking, both in the short term and the long term.
How you deal with those is entirely your choice.

And always remember theres a lot of support out there for when you feel crap.

I fear losing my children's respect almost as much as I fear physically losing them.
If I fear it so much do I keep drinking?

It's actually got to the point that I have no interest in social drinking. There's never enough to drink and if there is I make a total embarrassment of myself.
Drinking alone serves only to numb me out of having to think of anything.
Great way to live.
And yet still drink lures me back over and over.

I drove my car about two years ago, after drinking two bottles of wine. On a motorway in the dark where the white lines were 'double visioned'. And then into a city centre, speeding. To pick something up which could have waited til the morning. I risked me and everyone around me. I could have killed someone. I could have killed me. I would have left behind chasms.

My motivation? To get away from me. I thought I'd leave me back at home and the other me was sensible and competent to drive, just to show the other me how pathetic they were. Really? I have never drunk and drove since, not even a drop.

My alcohol-induced behaviour for years has been 'under the radar'. Things such as the above are few and far between, but nonetheless really concerning and frankly dangerous.

I need to go to bed. I don;t need to do so to not drink - it just feels safer. dd is back from relatives tomorrow and I want to be all sparkly for her.
thanks mildred for this week.

Can you look at the situation where "drink is luring you"? (Or more to the point you're allowing it to play a major part in your life - its not sentient). What else can you do when this situation arises? Can you avoid it? Can you escape it? Can you substitute something else? Can you accept the situation is what it is and still not drink? The power to do that is entirely yours, or yours with the help of your HP if you follow that method.

Mmm... Worry and stress about my child with SN's future, boredom, happiness, nerves, sadness, tiredness.

There's pretty much anything I can find as a reason for drinking.

I have to just ride it out 10 minutes at a time if need be.

Each binge is worse than the last and harder to pick myself up again from.

Yes, it only ever gets progressively worse.
So try to take each of those excuses (not reasons.....) and look at what YOU think having a drink will achieve. If, for example, its to escape the boredom, what exactly will it do balanced with how you're going to feel afterwards - what does it actually change? What else can you do other than drink?
It doesn't come naturally in the early days of recovery - that's why it's such hard work - but little by little you start to change. And excellent riding it our for 10 mins - have a look online for Urge Surfing.
A lot of this is all rational wordplay - reasons/excuses; have to/want to.

This is an inspiring thread and I hope very much that an approach of total abstinence will prove the right thing for all.

It was the only thing that worked for me.

I too had no off switch, thought I was rather sophisticated and rebellious and am ashamed of the danger I out myself and those I lived in.

Especially as I was brought up by high functioning alcoholics and still feel sick and worried at having to speak to them after the cocktail hour.

I chose friends and even jobs based on how much booze I could get away with.

One day I just knew I could not be a drinker any longer.

I wanted some dignity and energy in my life and I wanted to stop hating myself for the appalling behaviour I could only imagine inflicting on others the night before. That feeling of not remembering anything and pretending you could and those covert looks of shock and pity the next day.

I never even considered AA; I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I just stayed in and drank tea, spent time with my children, mended my marriage, started running, discovered a sweet tooth and the absolute pleasure of pottering about and an early sober night.

I don't miss it one tiny bit. I can't be a social drinker, I don't even like alcohol. For me, it was all about the oblivion.

I am not a nice person; I love watching other people make grade A tools if themselves drunk, knowing that for decades that was me. I really enjoy the smugness of drinking water and leaving at a sensible time knowing if I've upset anyone it was totally on purpose!

It really does get easier. For me, running and meditation have exacerbated the peace I feel and I am just so happy and grateful every morning to open my eyes and think 'wow, what a beautiful sky' and not 'oh fuck, what did I do/say/break/eat/insult...'

I like sober, knitting, clear-eyed me.

"It really does get easier. For me, running and meditation have exacerbated the peace I feel and I am just so happy and grateful every morning to open my eyes and think 'wow, what a beautiful sky' and not 'oh fuck, what did I do/say/break/eat/insult...'"

Excellent. Just excellent.

mildred. . . . what would your parents do or say if you told them directly . . .mum. dad. . .I am an alcoholic. I will not be drinking but feel free to help yourselves. could you say this? if not, why? they sound similar to mine from the things you have shared. sometimes I would just love to shock the arses off them. good luck to you with dealing with them

Let' say increased rather than exacerbated.

Clearly sobriety has not ameliorated my vocabulary

Brick it, really inspiring post.

Thank you.
It's possible to have fun, lead a good life and be sober.
In fact I don't know why I doubt it when drinking leads me now to shame, misery and anxiety.

I'm glad you have found your peace BrickorCleat. I honestly don't think the likes of the AA route would suit me either. I like to keep things private to myself. I should take up meditation again. Used to do it years ago.

I thought tonight would be agony considering last night wasn't good but have had a lovely wee night to myself cooking yummy stuff, drinking expensive cordials and tea and singing along to the radio which is playing loads of 60/70s/80s stuff.

My first question I've asked myself every morning for years upon opening my eyes is 'was I drinking yesterday or not?' with the relief or doom depending on the answer was. I know tomorrow will be a no and I will be making it to day four.

Life is better. It's more authentic.

Sometimes I'm bored and grumpy. I'm not a fucking saint!

But yes, sober it is really clear what a gift each day is. And I do all sorts of things I never had time to donwhen I drank because it just took up so much damn room in my muddled half cut head.

When shall I start? With what? How much can I get in? Will I have back up in case (!) I finish it? Shit, did I drink all that? How to cover up? Feel ghastly, will toast help? Blah blah.

Now, my questions are hardly earth shattering but I love them. Shall I paint? Read? Bake? Walk? Run? Rest?

I take care of myself. I think I'm worth it these days.

Good luck with your parents Mildred. And thank you for starting this thread.
I am so grateful to have somewhere safe to talk this through, hear others coping methods and to feel hopeful.
I am hoping I'll be able to give advise and support out soon as well as receive it.
Truth is I'm hanging on my my fingertips.
Random stuff (sorry, don't make me leave and go on the bus) but I was watching an episode of George And Mildred in the early hours of this morning in bed (couldn't sleep. Not drunk) and I remembered that the actress playing Mildred, (Yootha Joyce) was a chronic alcoholic who eventually died prematurely of her addiction.
To watch her act you'd never guess.

Us problem drinkers, alcoholics, pissheads, whatever we call ourselves are so devious and masters of covering our tracks.

Ironically as my drinking has got more and more heavy I have appeared "publicly" drunk much less.
As someone said further up though all the lies, hiding, replacing drinks is all behaviour that is risking the whole sad secret being blown apart and exposed for what it is.
Am off to bed sober. Relieved my OH only has three beers in the house. Between him and my step son they are welcome to them.
Now if it was a wine box I'd be seriously wobbling.
Night all.

I was good a covering it until I'd had 15 cans of cider at work, driven home, then tried to convince dw I hadn't been drinking.
Difficult when you can barely stand up or talk. Still managed to go down the offy and get more though.
Madness. Just madness. I so don't miss that.

I just remember that feeling of trying to keep it together, when all the time it felt like the ground under my feet was crumbling. Such a stressful way to live.

Eventually the time came when all control had gone. I was a complete slave to it and I was drinking when I didn't even want to because I was frightened to stop.

And Powell I totally get that - the utter madness of trying to hide something that is SO obvious.

I've had a nice Friday night, my dh was out at a meeting and I've sat with a cup if tea and watched Netflix. I don't think about drinking often these days. I mean I remember, I never forget what it was like but it isn't my answer anymore, no matter what the question is. Good night all, here's to a morning without a hangover, where I've spent the day before fully present in my life.

Sorcha1966 when you said you were in the supermarket and walked past the lovely bottles of wine, albeit crossed out, I just wanted to say that when my partner and I are shopping (he is in recovery too) we walk past the drink aisle and we call it "Death Alley"

Brickorcleat thanks for am inspiring post you make sobriety sound marvellous, and it is....

Goodnight all, looking forward to waking up tomorrow and knowing what I've said and done and not feel that heaviness on my chest when the inevitable realisation came to me that I hadnt a clue what I had said and done and the panic of where my booze was going to come from that day and all the lies and deceit I would have to go through - ugh!! Its really madness isnt it? Like groundhog day...

Congratulations all on another sober day and to all in their early days - stick with it , it really does get better, xxx

I suppose it's the same as Stephen King, one of my favourite authors as a teenager. He wrote a lot of his earlier stuff totally off his face to the point he couldn't remember writing it the next day, yet they became best-sellers? In fact I watched an interview with him that he was so afraid of stopping drinking in case it meant he could no longer write.

I think the more conscious you are your drinking is out of control, the more you try to hide it publicly at least.

Ridiculously, I even hid my huge amount of empties from the recycling men by throwing the majority of them in the main bin. One wine bottle in one bag at a time so they didn't clink. Going to the bottle bank or putting the empties under the sink to wait for a holiday period/bank holiday to come along so it looked like I'd been having a party when they cleared it out, as a lot of peoples would be like that. What if the recycling men thought bad of me/ neighbours heard all the clinking of bottles or clanking of tins when it was being emptied. Do normal drinkers put that much thought into their recycling seriously??