is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

Oh Sorcha - I completely understand what you mean. When I have my alcohol free times, I get a bit pissed off with dh drinking - he too, likes to drink socially, and it can be hard to want one, or wonder what to do and drink. I won;t lie - I think most times I have started again is because I've looked at him and thought sod it, he can drink so can I!! He is never judgmental about my not drinking and encourages me to stay off as knows what it does to me! Hopefully your dh will be the same. As soon as you become that lovely person who isn't in a state through drinking, who doesn't fall asleep early - all of those things, he will be behind you 100%. It will so be worth it. I have been lucky somehow and my liver function and all other health checks have always been pretty perfect (how!!??) but it can't last. Keep at it, however hard it seems right now, we're all in it with you x

And I have just finished 'My name Is...' and I am putting it on this threads compulsory reading book list! You will all totally relate to it, I promise.

Come in, Weegiemum, do you read me. Come in Weegiemum!

Sorcha, I worry like that too. I worried more in the very very early days because we fought like cats and dogs. Booze was a part of our relationship and I, in a doomy way, thought: can we relate without it?
Now I think we can, in a different way, and finding it will take a bit of time and shuffling about, but:
leaving things as they were was not an option, for me, apart from my relationship;
not even the relationship was really honestly benefitted by the falseness and stuntedness that is a part of being so out of it so much of the time. It isn't like we never fought when I was pissed (hollow laughter). And I hope that the better person I can be will be a better person at all relationships too.

I am feeling very positive about all that these days. We love each other. But - like realising that social occasions you can only stand pissed aren't worth going to, are relationships that only run on semi-oblivion worth having?

well done for prioritising your recovery tonight. the more you do that now the sooner you will be able to give back more fully.

Brokeneggshells - well done for fighting the demons, keep going, and keep talking. My family are killer too. Still dreading the weekend. Still working on strategy in my head.

Yes brickorcleat, please tell us about your experience

drinking tea here. Love it. God's drink. yum.

have a good evening all strong non-drinkers, you x

Hi. Have been following this thread since it started and can identify so much with the posters who've contributed so far.
I have had a problem with alcohol for at least 10 years. In fact since I discovered drink as a shy and self-concious teenager I have had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
I don't drink every day but practically every time I do I struggle to keep control.
At times of high anxiety and stress I have even been known to drink in the mornings.
This doesn't happen often and I seem to be capable of stopping for weeks at a time without too much problems. Then I kid myself I was over exaggerating the whole issue so start drinking in an out of control way.
Anyway, hope to contribute as well as lurking and hope I can give as well as receive comfort and support.

Hi Olive its good to see you. If you can stop drinking for weeks at a time, what makes you start again? Is it just that feeling that you 'over exaggerated' /forgetting how bad it was?

That worries me too. Last Saturday I went out with DH (kids were with their dad) and I drank (during the day say 1pm - 9pm) SEVEN pints of strong beer. Thats MUCH more units in one day than an entire weekly allowance ... I am scared I will forget how bad I felt and what that was like emotionally..

Sorcha, that's exactly what happens. I kid myself into believing my problem can't be that bad if it can stop completely for weeks at a time. I am kidding myself though because the reasons I stop are because I've scared myself half to death with how bad things can get. Drinking wine in the morning as a pep up. Buying drink in the afternoons cos I'm bored then drinking till I am really drunk and have to sleep the day away.

I also have periods of controlled drinking. These usually occur during certain social situations when there is limited alcohol available.
Am ashamed to say I don't really enjoy social drinking anymore. I prefer secret drinking or getting drunk at home.

Its amazing how we forget. And not in a good way. Here is an extract form a journal entry I wrote back in April after I got drunk at a family lunch DH and I hosted. I don't remember much of the later afternoon, as I was drinking from mid-day and cooking...I went to bed at about 7 - before my children - drunk - and woke at about 2 am sweating, sick and head-achy. This is what I wrote

"Sweating, Anxious, barely slept. String suicidal thoughts, imagining hanging myself, intrusive, persistent thoughts. desperately ashamed, amnesia, what did I do, say ? alone, isolated, twisting like a fish on a hook. fear fear fear. and stuck."

I stopped drinking for 3 days after that. THREE days. I honestly wanted to kill myself because I was so ashamed, but THREE days later I was drinking again . Denial is a desperately powerful thing.

Welcome HumOlive. I can kind of relate in the stopping for weeks (for me very occasionally but I can do it) and thinking you mustn't have a problem if you can stop for that period of time?? Although in my case it's straight back to most nights again. I also prefer drinking at home as I always have the fear of showing myself up somehow. I think it's one of reasons I'm not going to be complacent after I get my first hardest weekend over with. I know the three weeks or so will bite me on the bum too.

I love that quote Enid as I can identify so much with the feeling of loss and the uncertainty almost of who I am without booze in my life? Looking forward I'm not sure what I see yet.

I also would like to hear your story BrickorCleat

Thanks Mildred. I know it's so difficult when your family are drinkers and expect you to be drinking also. How do you think you will play it at your get-together?

Not to down-play things Sorcha but sometimes after a session most people can have abnormal liver function tests. I only know this as my ex had one one time, he told the doctor he was partying at the weekend and the doctor said that can happen, got retested and it was fine. Did you ever go for a follow-up one?? Your diary entry is very raw and one I think we can all see ourselves in. That guilt and shame the next day is horrendous.

Sorcha, I have had elevated liver function tests taken straight after a weekend binge on vodka. It was a few years back but I had them done as part of a screening to take part in a small medical research trial. The trial itself was completely unrelated to alcohol.
My results were were very abnormal, especially something called a GGT.
Anyway, after not drinking for a week and having further blood tests, my liver function tests, (all of them) were completely normal.

I have also made a complete arse of myself in the homes of family and friends as well as at home in the company of guests.
Have also done the passing out and going to bed before the kids and waking up in the early hours feeling sick, anxious, ashamed, paranoid, hating myself.
It's the loneliest, worst place to be.
We can help each other here.
Goodnight all.

Evenin' all. Just been catching up. And massive respect for folks piping up on this thread and laying bare their current circumstances and habits. I'm sure we are all reading each others posts totally and so nothing is wasted. Thinking most of Eggs, Olive and Sorcha.

I'm looking forward to waking up again tomorrow without hating myself so much and sticking to my plans. Friend this evening didn't mention booze, and I didn't either. ( I think friend 1. has tipped off friend 2., which is fine - I've spent these last days thinking and writing and talking last night with friend 1. that I was a bit relieved tbh, Two conversations in first 3 days would be a lot for me). Tomorrow is a watershed for me as 4 days dry isn't something in recent years I can recall at all. But it is only one day.

Hello, I've posted on brave babes a bit but it is mainly for alcohol.
I'm an addict 2 years clean of coke, had various stumbling blocks but NA 3 times a week and have had masses of therapy over the years.
Just wanted to say that although I'm not adding anything useful here I support you all as I have first hand experience of coming out the other side.
It's not even one day at a time it's the next ten minutes sometimes.

sorry cant give a proper introduction or acknowledge everyone now, but will tmrw. two weeks of no alcohol which was fine for me, as its when i am in a social setting i need alcohol. . .but tonight all the neighbours. . big big drinkers, got together and i drank tea all night. just home. husband is still there. it was hard but i am proud
of myself now. i overheard some of the women ask each other if maybe i was pregnant. . .i was asked several times why i wasnt drinking. . .asked was i sure i didn't just want a little one. knew i would hear all that and was prepared but its still so annoying. i am surrounded by heavy drinkers. I actually felt panic going over but its over now and i got through it. i had been reading this thread and thinking about it. . and you all. . really helped. god everyone i know has issues with alcohol. good night people

Well done justlikeheaven. I hope you have a lovely clear head this morning.
My skin is appalling, zit city. Are these detox zits? Is there such a thing as 46 day detox skin?
So pleased to see you all here.
Flumpy, thanks for joining. V interested to hear your story.
Loveday, special best wishes to you for today for uncharted territory day 4.
Everyone.... Those sick, sweaty early mornings can be a thing of the past.
Weegiemum?
Still here, weregoingtothezoo?
Have a great day everyone x

Wow! I went to a recovery café last night to discuss some stuff with the guy that runs it - come back to this lot! Its so encouraging to see people actually talking about their issues, and to see the support flowing - remember you're never alone in going through this.
There's a lot of stuff being posted about what other people/partners (sorry still getting used to this DH/DC etc.) think of us stopping drinking. So lets look at it in my favourite SMART Recovery way of looking at things.....
You want to stop drinking. Your significant other/your friends get a bit tetchy about it, so you cave in (lets be honest, we never need (needed) much of an excuse) and get totally wellied, with all the guilt and other ramifications that go with it. The people that wanted you to drink in the first place now take great pleasure in telling you what an arse you made of yourself the night before.
Stop - rewind the tape and have a look at what you're thinking here. You have a drink because other people want you to?? You're killing yourself to keep other people happy?? Really?? That's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Make a list of all the things that are really important to you in your life - specific to you. DH/Kids/Cat/whatever. This is called your Hierarchy of Values - there's similar tools in a lot of CBT methods.
Where does alcohol (or sobriety) feature on that list? If you're a problem drinker (you'll note I never use the "A" word) it really needs to be right at the top, because unless you start to address it, it affects everything that you purport to be important.

Her endeth the lesson - as ever, take what you need from it, if anything.

And remember - misery is optional.

I'm still here

Hi Mr, good to see you. How are you feeling today?

Yes, greetings Mr , and thanks for your wishes mildred. I'm actually enjoying waking up!
Yes, my friend 1. carried a bit of worry in his voice this week, like 'if you stop drinking, where does that leave me?' So a slight invitation could be to carry on as before to make others feel comfortable and hasten my own demise. So where would that leave friend 1. then?

Off to satisfy my employer! Have good days today.

hi mr; how are you today ?

I remember being shocked in early recovery when I heard someone say that sobriety was more important to them than their children and came first before their children. Now I TOTALLY get that and would say the same. If I put anything else first before my recovery then I risk getting drunk again and losing all the other stuff anyway.

I am lucky in my marriage in that my husband is in recovery too, that's how we met, so we've never seen each other drunk, and hopefully a day at a time we never will.

I have no problem saying I'm an alcoholic or an addict, I'm both and there is no shame for me in admitting it. Most of my most favourite people in the world are alcoholics and addicts :) I live in the solution today, which for me is 12 step based.

I agree with everything you've suggested powellct(although I don't get the bit about using the word alcoholic/addict - can I ask why that is?) and I've heard similar advice in one way or another in meetings. Isn't it wonderful that there are all these different places people can get help? Once upon a time there was really none of this stuff and people just suffered. step 3 asks us to hand over our will and our life which I interpret as make a commitment to changing taking advice in those areas- what's our will and our life? I'd say our thinking(cognition) and behaviour.

Morning to all however you are waking up, hopefully with a clear head and no regrets from the night before but wherever you're at today remember its a new day and a fresh start and where there's life there's hope :)

Sorry that bit about step 3 doesn't make much sense, I was just musing about the similarities between the programme and cbt tools as I have done before. Look for the similarities not the differences right? :) I'm loving getting an insight into SMART it sounds like a really useful approach.

No probs - its just the program I work. We don't use labels. To my own slightly deranged mind giving myself a label or admitting I'm powerless leads me down the rocky route of giving myself an excuse to use.
Its personal choice - I have no issues with anyone calling themselves alcoholic, addict, lush, pisshead, junkie, whatever - I just choose not to.

:-)

Ah ok, see my take is that it's actually helpful to identify as an alcoholic/addict because what that means for me is that I accept that I can't have just one drink. As for being powerless I have so many experiences of trying to control or moderate and being totally unable to that that makes perfect sense to me. It also helped me to let go of a lot of the shame - I didn't do all those awful things because I'm a bad, weak person but because I am powerless over alcohol and drugs - I'll never be a social drinker or a recreational drug user because that's just not what I am.

good morning! Woke up feeling good. Watched the omen last night with ds13, and had a few fright moments before drifiting off Thursdays used to be the start of my bingeing weekend - I donlt work Fridays so 'deserved' a few (a lot) However, stuck to san pelligrino and hot chocolate all evening and feel sooo much better. dd8 has been away all week on holiday with her best friend and is back today - we've really missed her but she's had a wonderful time. So, todays plan is to get ds tidying his room and stop mooching around pretending to be Karl Pilkington all day (ds not me...) while I do a massive clean of the house. Hoping to get a proper run in at some point and generally start the weekend. Love your comments powellct especially the bit about drinking to please everyone else and then having them berate you the next day. Much as dh seems to get my problem, he still kind of thinks I'll be 'ok with a few' but then witnesses the devastation, only to say the next morning 'you need to drink slowly...' Not having a go at him at all, but he's a social drinker who still struggles with me a bit (a lot!!). Anyway, on with day 5. Stay strong everyone.. xx

Day 4 here - am I welcome to join. stopped for months - then been having the 'odd' one for the past 5 weeks. Now decided to stop completely again :)

Right. Have made it through the posts. You are all BRILLIANT. This WILL pass! Promise.

I just wanted to jump in about all the different programmes and AA in particular, as that's the one I'm using. I know they all have their pros and cons, but I wanted to say a bit about 'Stinking Thinking'.

I first started AA last year, and I was so guilty of that. Grandiosity - higher powers were only for people who couldn't manage their lives without some fictitious God. I was cleverer than that, no? And powerlessness - well, I was a fighter, brave.

Lip service - I went to 3/4 meetings a week. But only when I was happy. And only shared 'isn't life brilliant now I'm sober' stories. I didn't lie, but I would omit the truth eg had a relapse. Or 17.

Corner cutting. I forced myself to go to meetings when I was poorly or tired, but the more insidious excuses are to do with family ie it's more important to stay home and be there for my DCs, isn't that why I got sober?

All of this left me very vulnerable and when the first piece of shit hit the fan - DS dropping out of Uni - I resorted very quickly to my usual crutch. Just for one evening. But then picked up a month later. Then 3 weeks sobriety. Then relapse. And so on. Fast forward to me in A&E 6 months after first picking up again, and then 28 days in the Priory. Thank bloody God.

I'm not sure it matters what programme you use as long as you fully commit to it, DO WHAT THE PEOPLE THERE TELL YOU TO DO (especially the 'winners'), and remain constantly vigilant for any instances of grandiosity, lip service and corner cutting.

For me, AA is now a completely different beast. The 'cliches' peddled make so much sense now. I actually feel that sense of fellowship now, because I know everyone, and care about them, and vice versa. Doing service and having a commitment really helps. I prioritise meetings over family because, without the former, I won't have the latter. I have fully accepted my powerlessness. It's not just that I can't drink, but that I can't NOT drink. With that quiet acceptance comes release from all the guilt and shame. The fact I was drinking doesn't mean I loved my family any less. I was, and am, ill.

And I have come to believe in a higher power. Not one that can part the red sea. But I just started off admitting that the Universe minus stinkingbishop was greater than stinkingbishop, and that millions of people in AA have got well...and from that it's moved on to my DGF, who was a very, very good man, whose DNA is in me, and therefore I have the potential for goodness, just as all humanity does. It seems to work .

Anyway, this is already far too long. But for those of you struggling...I think my main message is that you don't have to. If you accept your powerlessness, then everything suddenly becomes quiet and 'easy' and peaceful. You can't fight it, so let other people do that for you. It's a bloody relief, it really is.