is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

[youretoastmildred]

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

One of the things that angers and frustrates me is the 'treat' aspect of alcohol and the whole jokey culture. This 'wine shortage' for example is bringing out all sorts of amusing comments and statuses on fb etc. It's sad that I cannot feel the same about a 'glass' of wine. I hate being like this. I really do :( Wishing I was like everyone else isn't going to make it happen though.

Hmmm, it seems a bit dismissive or something then. I don't really see that it's necessary to say "there's many other methods!" anytime someone mentions a good experience in AA. SB didn't say that was the only way, but just seemed to be sharing (and quite joyfully so) their own experience.

I was just thinking exactly that about the wine shortage chat Mr. Also the offering of whenever someone has a problem - some people don't drink!
Wine wasn't a treat for me by the end - that was a lie. I am genuinely glad I am an alcoholic these days - recovery has enriched my life so massively.

I know what you mean about the jokey wine culture but I find it a bit silly and tragic in some contexts.
I work in quite a boozy industry and (even before stopping drinking) find it quite cringey when middle aged adults make arch references to "the pub" to "decisions made after a few" somehow implying that buying people drinks and making them drunk will influence them to do what you want... these people are adults, not 16 year olds excited at this strange new drug. It makes them all look a bit pathetic and craven if they really are boredly putting up with the hours of daylight they have to get through before they are allowed to run joyfully to the pub and drink with gay abandon. Which some of them probably are, and they should GET REAL

(sorry to be so pompous!)

Also, I suppose, these "jokes" are positioned as if the people making them think they are being terribly transgressive, whereas actually at this point in our lives it is the people who do what they need to do sober, and get what they need or want to get out of these social occasions, and then fuck off to have a life, who are the free-thinkers, rather than the hive-minders leaning on the bar talking crap all night.

I know I know, I am doing a brainwashing job on myself, but it's all in a good cause ;)

When I gave up smoking someone told me that you start because you think all the cool people are doing it, and at a certain point you realise that only the saddos are still doing it

Yes, saddo here. I usually smoke when I drink (so that's been just about everyday). Oddly I've still been smoking since Tuesday. Next item on the list....

Started smoking again recently. Will stop again I'm sure. There's worse things, for me.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be all anti-smoking. Or call anyone a saddo! Yep, there are far worse things.

Hi Venus, thanks for popping in to say hello! How long is it since you stopped drinking? (if you don't mind me asking)

Slight tease going on there mildred! One cues another for me (And lots of other people?) so if I don't have the 'cue' I wouldn't be desiring the follow up fag. I like my coffee. That is staying!

You can call me a saddo! Smoking is RANK! Deal with your addictions in the order they'll kill you though. I just can't believe I started again after stopping for ages - what a numpty.

For those of you that may struggle - and having a structured plan is most excellent - when a life situation grabs you and you want a drink, ask yourself (truthfully) what you think it will achieve - and what you think the fallout will be. If you REALLY consider that having a drink will put everything right, could you share that thought process here?

powellct - The pedal crank arm on my bike fell off. I had a set back on my job in the house. My i-phone broke.
All of these things happened yesterday. Any one of those things could have been an invite to have a snifter in 'recompense' and they would have remained broken. Minor stuff of course but really irritating.

On pumpkin-carving duties this evening. Will be the best pumpkin ever.

Today I went into our nearest town for some errands. I am not working today. I picked up some nice things for me and DH for lunch. Usually I would have, without even thinking ,added 2 or 4 bottles of wine to the basket.

Today I did not.

I could smell it, taste it, feel the feeling of calm that comes over me after the first glass, But I thought ahead to when the kids come home and mum has had a bottle; and later when I'm 1/2 way down the second bottle and falling asleep on the sofa (DH hates that); and tomorrow when my head would hurt a and I would hate myself.

And I did not buy any wine.

sorry I have nothing to give at the moment. I'm absorbed in this struggle. I am reading and thinking of you all. Its HARD. today was hard but I did it. Now I am home and there is no alcohol. so I am ok for now

Sorcha - that's the sort of stuff I want to read.

I know I am not having too much to offer, but I'm trying to focus on me and what I am doing, and not doing - like a self-absorbed toddler maybe.

Well done Sorcha

Please keep slapping me down when I go all anti AA, it's a reflex and I really don't mean to be horrible. :( I don't want to ignore AA posts, I need to retrain my brain to deal with them and appreciate that people have positive and good experiences in AA. I'm so sorry.

Smoking - well that is a chequered history for me too. Gave up for years, restarted and am now on my zillionth attempt - and 4 months in this time. Determined this will be it - running helps!

HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired..... anytime you feel the urge to drink, ask yourself the HALT questions first. By the time you have figured out exactly what you are feeling, the immediate urge will have passed.

Here's the link again to WFS - women for sobriety, in case anyone wants to browse their site. Like AA, this will work for some and not for others. For me, it saved my life.

www.womenforsobriety.org/beta2/

Sorcha - well done you! It IS hard in the early stages, but bit by bit it gets easier until you wonder what was all about. I still get urges, every now and then, but nothing bad.
Smokes (21 months) still get me sometimes....

I'm going to go all me, me, me but I am seriously struggling today. I know it's all associations. I was fine in the supermarket this morning bypassing the alcohol section but it was later when littliest one has gone for three nights and soon as she left I thought 'drink'. Then there's the Halloween night association, along with a bit of stress I had early regarding money. Dad asked me if I was going to theirs later and I had to say no as I know they will have a drink on the go and always have a bottle available to take home.

I've been having a constant battle in my head all night. Sure I can start some other time kind of thing? It would be so easy for me to take the two minute walk to their house. I feel pathetic as it's only my second day and I'm already bargaining in my head. Still here though. Big deep breaths needed.

I considered the day counting also Loveday but then I thought for the meantime it will useful to see how far I've come.

Wine shortage? Did I miss something? I must admit I'm considering deactivating my fb for a short period of time. I don't know if I need to see all about my friends drinking. I know I will have to face it eventually but just for the initial period it might make it easier for me. I have told two people I'm off the drink for the foreseeable future. Just said I wasn't enjoying it anymore which is the truth. No doubt they probably think I'm pregnant again or something

I'm also a smoker and I agree it's a vile habit. Thought about giving it up at the same time as I find it easier to stop drinking when I'm quitting smoking as I know the two go hand-in-hand but decided not to put myself under too much pressure.

I agree Mildred I have some issues from my past I know I need to work through. I also know a lot of my drinking stems from anxiety and depression. It's the vicious cycle of alcohol that seems to help but puts you two steps backwards really.

Well done for today Sorcha

Hi

A quick post from me because it's been a long day. I do have an urge tonight but I've addressed hungry, I'm not angry, I'm not lonely but I am tired. Not much I can do about the last one other than get an early night, I'm usually in bed by ten anyway so only two & a bit hours to go.

Those of you struggling tonight - just put one foot in front of the other & well done so far. So true that no-one ever woke up in the morning wishing they'd have a skinful the night before!

I didn't know about the sugar thing in fact it was recommended to me that eating sweets was good for alleviating urges.

Being called an old hand is really quite amazing - me, the chronic relapser who nearly lost everything, yes, I am doing this sobriety thing. It's great to see so many others so real with thoughts and doubts and feelings about this need to live sober/clean.

I've been thinking about why I don't go back to AA. Part of it may well be pride. Part of it that what I'm doing is working - I'm not drinking and I don't often think about it these days. And the other part is just how draining it was to talk about the problem all the time when you can talk about the solution. Sure, we all need to talk about things sometimes, and that includes our current struggles and our past behaviour, but focusing on that does me no good. My solution, which is a revealed God, who has the power over alcohol where I lack it, is where I keep my focus.

That's not to say I don't believe I'm an alcoholic - I do, I have proved that to myself and others beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's just that there is so much else to what makes me me. There are excellent support groups for ITU survivors, which help with the particular difficulties of life after critical illness, especially in the first year or two. But I'm not just an ITU survivor.

The broadest and most beautiful thing that I am - these are my beliefs, I hope it's ok to share them - is a child of God. So the place I need to be to help me get well is with others who believe that.

That said, there are uses to places like this which is why I'm here, I do also go to the ITU-survivors group occasionally, and other 'label' groups that I fit into.

Thank you for listening, those that have, and I hope you all have a happy sober evening whatever your plans are.

brokeneggshells I know that feeling - the wavering after a day if two - the bargaining -( If I just have ON drink tonight that'll be ok etc etc) I think you know, like me that abstinence is the ONLY way. And that it will get easier..

If looking at the whole evening is too much, then just concentrate on the next 1/2 hour. make a cup of tea or a cup-a-soup. Do something with your hands.

Don't pick up a drink. Remember how shit you will feel tomorrow morning if you do. I know its hard. But it IS possible

big un MN hugs,

Sorcha

My DH and youngest DC have gone out for Hallowe'en tonight. They are both a bit upset with me that I didn't. I knew if I did I would drink. I cant rink and this is the first time I have prioritized MY recovery, my need not to drink, above others wishes.

Brokeneggshells and oops, you're doing really well, I find just getting the thought out there (grassing myself up!) really helps and also playing the tape to the end. Don't focus on the imagined comfort of the first drink, think about where it'll end up. It IS hard, but get through tonight and you'll wake up tomorrow glad you didn't do it.

How's things now?

This is a quote I really like its from an Elizabeth kubler Ross book

"change...usually begins with a door closing, an ending, a completion, a loss, a death. Then we enter an uncomfortable period, mourning this completion and living in the uncertainty of what is next. This period is hard.

But just when we feel we can't take it anymore, something new emerges: a reintegration, a reinvestment, a new beginning. A door opens. If you fight change, you will be fighting your whole life. That's why we need to find a way to embrace change, or at least to accept it.

Through aspiring to accept life on life's terms we begin to move from feeling like a victim and blaming the world around us."

Early sobriety is "living in the uncertainty of what's next" and it IS hard. But it's the beginning of something amazing, or at least it has been for me.

Hi I just wanted to pop in and say you are all amazing and I'd have given anything for posts like this when I gave up five years ago.

It's hard. But honestly, the peace that comes from the cessation of That Voice is immeasurable.

You'll have so much space to think. Sometimes that's more painful than other times. But it's always constructive.

Sobriety is the best gift I ever gave myself and my children .

I will come back if you think it useful to hear my experience, but I will say that there are different ways for everyone to stop drinking; you will find what works for you if you are serious about wanting to re-engage with life.

If not, there are just as many excuses.

You all sound like good, brave, determined people.

Being sober means I really like myself. It's a brand new feeling, even after five years.

sorry I have nothing to give at the moment. I'm absorbed in this struggle

That's all you should be giving. Put EVERYTHING into the struggle. The rewards are infinite.

I sound a bit unhinged, sorry. It's just such a privilege hearing these stories and knowing how much lovelier your lives will get.

The very best of luck to you all.

I am really afraid of what will happen to my relationship with DH if i don't drink. He is / has been tolerant of my drinking. Very rarely in 6 years has he told me that I drink too much. Most of those times have been in the last year. He gets cross when I fall asleep at 7 pm on Saturday evening because I have been drinking all day; and he gets cross if I am really really drunk - doesn't happen that often - ( last was July 2013 - time before that was Jubilee street party I think)

But, aside from that, he enjoys a drink. We enjoy drinking together. We enjoy cooking together and drinking nice wine. we enjoy going out to concerts and having a beer, we enjoy watching movies with a bottle or two or wine.. Drinking is part of 'us'. DH has taken DC3 out this evening to a local Hallowe'en gathering. Normally we would both get a bit pissed. Thats normal for us.

when we met I was (quite) recently separated. I had 3 DC 9,5 and 2... he would come over after they were in bed and we would sit up and drink and talk all night...

so how will it be if I don't drink? what will I drink if we are out for lunch ? will I get annoyed if he is drinking a lot ? will I get upset with him if he drinks when I cannot? will he stick by me when I feel I cannot 'do' stuff because the temptation to drink is too strong and I need to protect myself?

feel very anxious; clear headed, I know i have to do this - either now or next week or next month. It WILL come to this as I have gone too far to be able to drink moderately - I know that i cant do that and have proved it SO so often. i need to do this before something bad happens..

So far I have 'got away' with it. But I am so conscious of the knife edge I am teetering on. And one false move - one small error could have catastrophic consequences. Eg I do not consciously drink and drive - I would never get n the car after a couple of glasses of wine; but I KNOW that on some "mornings after" I have been over the driving limit. One small thing, little accident, even if its not my fault - and its a DD charge, I would be reported to my professional body and might lose my job ( pretty likely actually as they would find out how much I drink) then I would have no income and we would soon lose our home... the shame - everyone would know in our small Community. My relationship with my husband would suffer. All so scary.

And all because I cant stop drinking ? I Have a CHOICE

My health is precarious. I know this. I had abnormal liver function tests 2 years ago. I am too afraid to have them done again. But I am afraid that if I cant stop now I will end up in hospital, and again everyone will know. Maybe I will die from drinking If I cant stop. If not soon then in the end. How sad for my kids.

sorry for the stream of consciousness. I need to be in contact with others tonight - thank you for being there and I hope you are all ok

Sorcha x

Brikor Congratulations on managing this - it still feels very new and quite hard for me - I would love to hear your story -