Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Laptop smasher dumped, but it goes on

28 replies

sarahjaye · 27/10/2013 01:27

I had my thread deleted for fear of him looking it up as he's very disparaging of MN despite claiming to be "a feminist".

Background, together for 7 years, fairly volatile relationship with faults on both sides, but one of ye olde 'we're so passionate' type of things going on. Have split and reconciled several times until he recently beat me up, I was hospitalised and threw him out. Whilst the police and ambulance service were with me, he came back and attempted to drive his car, was arrested for drink driving and has been banned for two years.

He's sleeping rough and and we are in text contact. I'm not so heartless that I can't check he's not dead. He's on anti depressants, 50mg a day and has been now referred for cardio and neuro tests.

I'm asking for advice on this. Should I contact his family and make sure they are aware of all this. If he dies, an almighty shitstorm will be laid at my door, even though he it ultimately responsible for his own well being. He is adamant I should not contact them, so I would be going against his wishes.

He's being a right bloody martyr about all this as well as being abusive on text, so I'm not in the most sympathetic of moods, but feeling that I shouldn't be so hard.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
BOF · 27/10/2013 01:30

My thoughts? Turn your phone off.

Not your problem.

Well done for making the break.

eden263 · 27/10/2013 01:34

Yes, leave it. Walk away. Turn off your phone or better still get a new number. You've tried. He made this mess, his homeless martyrdom is really not your problem. Be strong. Quit while you're ahead.

PedlarsSpanner · 27/10/2013 01:34

look sweetheart, he is not your responsibility, he's just not

you are seperated, yes? he put you in HOSPITAL. why are you bothering with him? he was heartless when he assaulted you.

you don't mention children, so delete him from your phone, turn it off, go to bed

if his family are worried about him they'll ring him, surely? leave them all to it

take care

reelingintheyears · 27/10/2013 01:37

What BOF said.

TheSeaPriestess · 27/10/2013 01:39

Stop engaging. Stop texting and turn your phone off or block his number.

He put you in hospital. You owe him fuck all. Not. Your. Problem.

And I'm a fluffy hippie, but there is a line that is well overdue to be drawn here.

Walk away and don't look back.

Original poster
sarahjaye · 27/10/2013 01:43

Thanks BOF, I've gone NC as any conversation results in him insulting and name calling. It's just very difficult not to respond to extreme goading.

Having lurked here for a while, I've garnered some great advice and strategies, but I'm very concerned about his mental and physical health. I KNOW it's not my problem any longer, but.....

OP posts:
ThisIsntMyEverydayUsername · 27/10/2013 01:44

Well done for making the break.

If I were you; I'd change my sim/number/email address & start my fresh new life without him (also, if you think he's likely to check up on you online, maybe change your mumsnet nickname if you're posting under your real name).

You don't owe him or his family anything. So cut them all out.

Good luck.

Original poster
sarahjaye · 27/10/2013 01:46

Thank you for the other replies too, they arrives while I was slowly typing.

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER · 27/10/2013 01:49

I would be tempted to inform his family but only as long as it wont rebound on you

This last bit is really important as you'll be able to tell from all the bolding.

If you can do it and have no consequences for yourself, then it might be a good thing to do for your own peace of mind. It may help you stop feeling like you're in a position of responsibility towards him... As that's how your post reads.

However it entirely depends on what his family might do, of there is even a tiny chance they'll be getting involved with the relationship itself then NO! No abusive phone calls, no guilt trips & manipulation, no threatening visits etc. any whiff of this ... You need to protect yourself first, and the best way to do that is to avoid that situation in the first place.

I'm sorry and it probably sounds harsh to step away from someone who you loved very deeply, but in this situation, when he has proven he's not going to look out for you, then you need to look after yourself. His family will not feel the need to be fair or to protect you. Blood is thicker than water unfortuneately

DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER · 27/10/2013 01:53

I didn't read your first thread btw, which perhaps show in my answer...

So think of it this way, if someone who doesn't know how abusive the situation is/was is advising that much caution and self protection ... That says something surely?

Original poster
sarahjaye · 27/10/2013 01:55

Thank you all, I think I will text his elder sister. She is very calm and non judgemental. It's all just horribly difficult and he's being so nasty.

OP posts:
eden263 · 27/10/2013 01:03

TBH, if he is able to use his credit on sending you abusive texts, he can instead use some credit to contact his family. He's still manipulating you, though, having been in similar relationships myself, I do understand how hard it is to firstly see that for what it is and secondly break free from it.

It is horribly difficult but if you don't stop this right now, you will end up taking him back and next time you might not come out alive. Please, please, just walk away.

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/10/2013 01:04

Ime abusive men who after leaving say they have been put on ad's and need medical tests or treatment but don't want anybody apart from you to know.

Are being lying manipulative tossers who are pulling a fast one to gain sympathy from you.

Original poster
sarahjaye · 27/10/2013 01:20

I am walking away from this, don't get me wrong. I've had enough of the insidious and disingenuous behaviour. I just want to move on. To answer a question, he has 3 DS from previous relationship and I have a DS.

Main reason for finishing it was didn't want my DS to see or be involved in a rubbish relationship.

OP posts:
eden263 · 27/10/2013 01:25

I think it's beyond 'rubbish'. More complicated if you have a child, but from the sound of things, I would push for supervised contact at a contact centre rather than letting him anywhere near you again.

ModreB · 27/10/2013 02:03

He is an adult. This means that he is responsible for his behaviour, and the fall out of his behaviour. Not you.

If he cant drive = not your fault
If you separate= not your fault
If he cant see his DC = not your fault
If he has nowhere to stay = not your fault

Stay strong, for your DS if nothing else.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 27/10/2013 06:12

I would tell his family: That he beat you up, put you in hospital, was arrested by the police and has now moved out. Stop there.

The rest is the detail that he has brought on himself and should sort out himself. He is manipulating you.

Strawberrykisses · 27/10/2013 07:20

I'm in a similar situation, I posted recently under my old nn about my ex threatening suicide. I've stopped responding. I cannot be made responsible for his health and well being and you cannot be responsible for your exes. It's hard and I understand but it will damage you health if you take that responsibility on. Disengage.

Lazyjaney · 27/10/2013 07:41

None of this is your fault, or your responsibility anymore.

Is your DS his? It may complicate things re access over the long term,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2013 07:50

sarahjaye

Why have you felt so responsible for him?. You need to look at why you have acted as you have with regards to him and that will reveal a lot of painful stuff. You are not his muse to his svengali.

He is not your problem, it needs to stay that way. He stays where he belongs now; in the past.

I would also read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie. Also "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

something2say · 27/10/2013 08:57

very important to understand that he would probably like to carry this on...

it is going to have to be you who stops responding when he texts.....

i agree with those who think that you keeping on in his business in a sign of you being addicted to the chaos of life with him.

be very careful. x

Original poster
sarahjaye · 27/10/2013 09:04

LazyJaney no, my DS is not his, and thankfully his DCs live with their DM. I'm glad I've kicked him out so I don't expose my son to him any longer. I'd rather be on my own than teach him that this is how a relationship functions.

Atilla, thank you for the book recommendations, I shall look at those.

Thanks for all the replies, I've read a lot of these threads in relationships and it's made me realise that it's not me, it's him being a spiteful bully.

OP posts:
something2say · 27/10/2013 09:06

spiteful bully is minimising.....seriously, the cops and paramedics dont get called to them.....your guy is what we would term a danger.....

PatoBanton · 27/10/2013 09:13

He's having you on.

There's no WAY he's going to die.

What's going on is he is fucking FURIOUS that you have walked away and is trying every trick in the book to take that out on you - making you feel sorry for him, making you feel like a bad person, because, you know, he might DIE and it will all be your fault...

can you see how full of shite he is? It's because he feels entitled to you that he is being like this, he reckons you DESERVE to feel bad about it, when actually he is totally deluded and deserves nothing from you but a kick in the bollocks.

Text one more time saying 'Please stop contacting me, I do not feel I can help you' and then change your number if you want to. (but not if you don't)

If he keeps on at you after this, he can be charged with harrassment as you have told him to stop. DO NOT engage with him further as that will invalidate it and you'll need to start again (and he will know you didn't mean it)

good luck

what a knob

PatoBanton · 27/10/2013 09:14

Oh and he knows full well he isn't about to cark it

He absolutely knows this and is playing you

would you do that to someone? No. So don't engage.