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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating husban

40 replies

Upset69 · 26/10/2013 21:01

Hi
I need help and advice, I have been married for 21 years and have found out my husband had been cheating on me for the last 6 weeks.

I had a gut instinct and finally found out the truth by going through his phone and it was the hardest thing I had to be confronted with.

Since finding out he just continued to lie to me about where he was going etc and finally admitted that he was still going to see her and they speak all the time through messaging on the phone, it drives me mad, I have been off sick from work for a fortnight as I don't want to go back as I know that his with her whilst I'm working.

I have told him to get out of the house but he won't leave because if financial reasons but he has moved into the spare room, I asked him if he wanted me and he has said no , I am finding the situation unbearable and so hurt , I cry most days now.

Please help me please tell me this pain will go

OP posts:
moonfacebaby · 26/10/2013 21:08

I'm really sorry you are going through this - I know the pain you are experiencing first hand...

You need to get him out of the house - do you have kids?

It is unbelievably cruel for him to expect to stay whilst still continuing his affair. What an utter wanker!

Is there anyway that you can pack his stuff whilst he is at work & leave it on the doorstep for when he comes home? L

moonfacebaby · 26/10/2013 21:10

Sorry - always do this....

Lock the front door. Is the house in both your names?

Would he go quietly or kick off?

It's imperative for you to start dealing with this pain - you cannot do that whilst he is living with you.

moonfacebaby · 26/10/2013 21:12

And even if you don't feel like it now - you will feel better in the future. My mantra to get through it was "everything will be ok one day"....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 21:14

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Unbelievably cruel behaviour from him. It's going to be impossible to be under the same roof and it's incredibly selfish of him to demand to stay.

It does get better but it takes time, it's a grief process, and sadly you've got quite lot of pain and tears still to come. Do you have some RL friends or family that you can talk to? Real life support is vital.

candlelight2012 · 26/10/2013 21:14

The pain will go.

What would you like to happen? Do you want him to move out?

Do you have children?

He has broken all trust you had in him, he is cheating, he is not a nice person for doing that.

I would recommend going back to work, that is something you have, your life/

If he is cheating he'll find a way to see her regardless of whether you are at work or not

It's a real kick in the teeth when you find out that the person you trust most in the world shits all over you BUT you will get through this

Sleepyhoglet · 26/10/2013 21:23

Candle light has asked a very important question: what do you want?

Original poster
Upset69 · 26/10/2013 21:33

Thanks for your replies, we do have a daughter but she has left home now so there are no dependants.

In answer to some question there is no way I can pack his bags and kick him out, there is no way he would let me do it, I've begged him to go and said that all the time he is still here he is just rubbing my nose in it but he just says he has no where to go!!!

I think if he was to say let's try again deep down I know I would regret it, but on the other hand I don't want him to be with this other woman, it's driving me crazy,.

I do shift work and when I was on nights that's when he was going over and spending the night with her, hence why I don't want to go back, I need to concentrate when I'm at work as I'm a paramedic so cannot afford to have my mind drifting off.

I really don't know how to stop all this pain inside and start to get on with my life as it's quite obvious that he id

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 21:37

You can't stop the pain. You have to deal with it unfortunately. Right now you're at the 'shock and denial' part of grief. You want to turn the clock back. While he is around it's going to be almost impossible to avoid paim because you'll have a daily reminder. Even if he wasn't there the grief is going to hit you in waves, some days a little better than others. The best advice is to stay busy and be with people that love you. In your case, it's also going to involve getting him out of the house (which will take legal intervention i.e a divorce) or you'll have to get yourself out if you can't stand to be with him.

killpeppa · 26/10/2013 21:38

make yourself happy!

I just left my husband after he cheated on me & lied about various things.

I deserve better as do you:)

Original poster
Upset69 · 26/10/2013 21:45

Thanks for your replies, talking to people who do not know you or cannot judge you certainly helps.

I know I will get over it/him it's a case of having to
It's good to talk to people who has or are going through the same

Thank you

OP posts:
candlelight2012 · 26/10/2013 21:58

Ok let's start with practical bits.

Is the home one you both own? Is it a joint mortgage?

If renting is it a joint tenancy?

It's not easy to kick someone out of their own home however could you ask him to move out to a friends/family for a few days to give you space to think about everything?

Original poster
Upset69 · 26/10/2013 22:25

No we own our house with a joint mortgage, but with little equity in at at the moment .

He dosnt have any family in England so he cannot stay with them and to be honest we havnt told people what's going on

OP posts:
geologygirl · 26/10/2013 22:29

So why isnt he able to piss off and go and live with this other woman then? So sorry you are going through this

Original poster
Upset69 · 26/10/2013 22:44

That's exactly what I said !!!! But he says he dosnt want too

It really pisses me off that his pulling all the strings, but his the one who's done all the damage

OP posts:
cjel · 26/10/2013 23:06

I'd start to get my new life. Ididn't wait around, I rented a place so I wasn't in constant reminder, although he said he didn't want me to go I didn't want to wait around to find out. We were together 35yrs married 30 and I wouldn't have thought I could do it but I did.
If you can't afford to rent get him to buy you out or put the house on the market. He can't expect you to live like this and prolonging the split won't help.If you have a job you can afford to rent - I have a spare room if you want it,
The pain is horrendous and you can't make it go away but living in the same house is like reliving that first discovery all over again. You need space apart, if he won't go you do it.

Tell everyone you know in rl, it is nothing to be ashamed of and you need support. He is being horrid and selfish living like this its time to make him start to face realityxxx

Ruprekt · 26/10/2013 23:07

Right.

First things first. SmileSmile

Are you eating and drinking properly? Not alcohol.

You need to start putting yourself first and build up your self esteem.

What would you say to a friend who was going through this? You would tell her to let him go and move on.

You need to tell people and get some RL support.

I really feel for you but pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again.

Go back to work as it will give you a reason to focus.

ThanksBrewThanksBrewThanksBrew Be kind to yourself. Xx

Original poster
Upset69 · 26/10/2013 23:11

Thank you all your kind words really do help x

OP posts:
geologygirl · 26/10/2013 23:32

Yes its bloody outrageous that he thinks he can do whatever he wants and control the situation! Must be very frustrating for you.

Its going to be painful and very hard over the coming days, months etc but get angry and start putting yourself first now. Accept that he is a cheater and not the man you thought he was. You deserve better!

So get back to work. Ignore what he does and where he goes. DO NOT DO ANYTHING for this man...so stop cooking, cleaning his clothes etc for him. When he gets home he'll need to sort his own dinner out and when his duvet covers need washing he'll have to do it etc. Do not lift a bloody finger!

You will be okay. Life is not over and you will be happy again. Stay strong!

Ruprekt · 27/10/2013 00:05

Agree that you must do nothing for him.

AT ALL.

And get the girls round for drinks and a pizza at home and show him you do not need him in your life.

And go and do things for you. Get a hair cut, new pair of jeans, a good book....whatever floats your boat.

Come on OP.....you can do this. SmileSmile

moonfacebaby · 27/10/2013 07:09

I second what everyone is saying - make him living with you difficult. Stop doing anything for him. Brilliant idea to invite friends round - hopefully that will make him squirm if they all know.

You need to get to a solicitors - I put this off for ages but as he is being such an arse, you need to take some of the control back. He has way too much right now.

MissScatterbrain · 27/10/2013 07:39

Get legal advice.

Get rl support from friends and family.

Stop doing the washing, cooking, shopping etc for him.

Vivacia · 27/10/2013 08:15

It didn't even occur to me for a second that the OP would still be doing stuff like his laundry.

cjel · 27/10/2013 11:29

Morning my lovely , How are you today?

MissScatterbrain · 27/10/2013 11:30

Vivacia - you would be surprised.

Vivacia · 27/10/2013 12:18

I can see it now though MissS, if that's the status quo.