Letter to my husband that I'd never actually let him read....

[Scunnybunny]

Don't know where else to post but I had to vent.

Dear DH,

Today has been bad.

I lack in motivation.

My back hurts and I am too fucking fat and lazy.

Most of the things I attempt to do with the children are forced because I feel guilty.

Anything I attempt to do with DS1 ends up with DS2 ruining it or DS1 creating some kind of drama regarding DS2. SO I try to squeeze one on one time for DS1 into the hour that DS2 has a nap for but often he has got so used to playing on his tablet or watching TV that I have to prise him off them and almost force him to hang out with me because I'm a fucking loser. I can't cope.

I'm exhausted literally from the moment I wake up until I collapse into bed at night. I dread getting up in the mornings knowing you'll be at work and I am stuck here.

I feel constantly torn between them. I don't know who the hell I am anymore. I don't even think I want to be anything because I don't have the energy to do anything for myself or actually change the situation.

My heart pounds trying to get everything done in the small window of time I have before DS2 starts whinging or DS1 needs something. I am always trying to be good enough. Trying to be a good mum but in reality I know I am drowning.

I feel like I am a walking time bomb. I lose my cool so easily and whilst I've never hit our children, I am horribly irritated by them for a large proportion of the day. You must know this. They must know this.

I am a failure. I fucked up. I can't be who you want and need me to be.

Tonight I had to leave the living room and go upstairs other wise I knew I'd argue with you over God knows what. You just piss me off sometimes. The way you drink by putting loads in your mouth at once and then swallowing it bit by bit actually drives me demented. Everything annoys me and it's not even your fault.

I have no idea if things will ever get better. I know there are so many people out there with huge problems and horrible rifts in their marriage and that's not us. I know that. I know I should feel happy to be a stay at home mum and have 2 beautiful boys. But there are sometimes when this only adds to the guilt of over everything that it should be and everything that it's not.

So there it is. My life. Our life.

Love Scunny.

That sounds unbearable. But you know, not everyone (certainly not me) is happy doing nothing but take care of small children. SAH... no thank you! Would it be possible for you to go the job/childcare route? Spend time every day with grown-ups & let professionals look after the DCs rather than feel trapped in some mythical ideal that's clearly not right for you?

BTW... why wouldn't you let your DH read that? Seems to be very sincere and probably needs saying.

How old are your dcs? I think you should talk to your gp as you sound very depressed :(

You are very hard on yourself. How old are your children? I have 4 Dcs and I found 2 littles almost broke me. 4 so much easier. You need a break, work?, lie ins?,nights out? It doesn't make you a bad mum to need something else.x

Also think it does sound like you expect too much from you. You are human.

I think you absolutely need to let your DH read that. There is no shame in struggling. There is no shame in being overwhelmed. You need your DH to support you, and if he doesn't know what you're going through he can't step up and help.

You both need to sit down and work out what you need from him, and then what you need to do for you, whether that be something simple like some wind down time, or perhaps getting a little job so you can be away from the kids and be Scunnybunny for a bit and not just a mum.

You know one of the parenting platitudes that really makes my teeth itch is 'happy mummy, happy baby!' But when things get in such a rut as you describe then there must be something in it. You sound so royally fed up, it's bound to affect your relationships. You deserve better, so do your kids and husband. What would he think if he did actually read this letter? Could/would he help? What help would you like? It sounds like you have plenty left to hang on to and to make better.

Scunny please tell him :(

Being a SAHM does not suit everyone. You are not the first woman, nor will you be the last, to feel as though it is turning you stark raving mad.

I could have written your post. The thing keeping me sane right now is that about 6 months ago I sobbed on DP and told him much of the same things. We worked out a plan and now I am working part time (mornings and evenings, not every day) while he deals with the crappy, early morning getting ready for nursery bit which I hated, and I have DS in the afternoons. Because it's only a few short hours it's so much better to cope with, and the best part is I can see an end now... making a plan and just having it acknowledged that it was hard for me made an absolute world of difference.

How old is your youngest? I only have one but from what I gather the first 1 or 2 years with two are the hardest parenting years that you will do, depending on how early the oldest accepts the youngest as a playmate rather than some kind of pet to torment.

I recommend a massive cry and then a change. A sorely needed change, at that. And who can give you a hug? X

BTW, I find it worse/the guilt worse because being a SAHM is all I ever wanted. And the reality is I hate it. I cannot think of many things I would rather do less, and that feels awful. I was supposed to love this, feel amazingly fulfilled, it was supposed to be as happy as my own childhood was, and yet - it's boring. There is loads of drudge work and you realise that "family life" is pretty crappy when the children are on one team and you're on your own. And even when they do include you, you've grown out of knowing how to play or how to enjoy play and it's just tedious and repetitive.

I find shorter times easier because I can have a goal. I have also relaxed a lot about usage of TV/electronic entertainment, and some other things I was beating myself up for doing "wrong" which were just fine. You have to be you, not some impersonal role of "mother". They will benefit from it, and you will benefit from it.

I'm sorry you're feeling so crap at the moment, scunny. Most people have been there. I know I have.
How old are your DSs? If they're under school age (don't know if it's half term where you are?) and a couple of years apart, like my DS1 and 2, then I know from experience how exhausting, draining and thankless it can be, trying to share yourself out, when you don't feel like there's anything much left of you.
Cut yourself some slack, and please believe that you are the best mum your boys could ever want. If you can't prise them away from the tv, cuddle up and watch it with them.
Oh, and I don't know why you wouldn't let your DH read this letter (maybe not the bit about the drinking. When you're feeling low, everything is going to piss you off!) I imagine he'll either be completely unaware of how you feel, or will have been wondering what's the matter. Either way, he may be able to give you the support you need.

Scunny, I've not read the responses. You can sort this out and be happy. Maybe you need some really decent sleep or to see a GP or perhaps you are better suited to working.

I thought I'd be a much better more fun and competent parent than I actually am. I'm frequently disappointed (mostly with myself). I take comfort from something I read somewhere that good enough is enough.

Chin up

I was a SAHM like you, and got seriously depressed.

Part time workers at playgroup used to tell us they would go to work for a rest.

So please listen to what your body is telling you, what jobs are around you, and are there any good childminders?
She will not fall for the whining and playing up which are clearly such triggers for you. Often another adult can do children the power of good, because they 'parent' differently and it is different dynamics.

Good luck.

Just remember op it's not forever. The kids will go to school and you will get your life back! Hang on in there.

What wonderful support of the ladies on this thread.

Op tell your husband how you feel. That fact you acknowledge that sine thing is up and feel guilty shows you are a caring mum.

I'm itching to get back to work and only have one dd2 at home. I had to stand out side the car over the weekend when dh was filling it up with petrol as after a long week, the sound of dd2 crying in the back was like dragging nails down a chalk board.

We are only human and not saints ((hugs))

What activities are there round you?

If you can go to a playgroup where the older DCs go off and play together and the mums and little ones sit and play at the other end you may get a break from both attention seeking at once. Likewise any friends with DC1 aged children, library story groups etc. anywhere the older one can have some freedom and same age company.

I'm assuming you have two DCs under 3 and no free preschool yet. If so you are allowed to be tired and grumpy. Personally I find that size DCs exhausting too.

They get better, honestly. Well before the end of preschool you can have a conversation with them and they do loads of little things for themselves. You stop having to have 4 hands and google translate to follow toddler speak, it is bliss.

I understand where you are coming from completely. House work is monotonous and children (as much as they are loved and the centre of your everyone's world) wear you down. That's a fact.

You sound like you need a rest and a bit of time for yourself. Even if it's only for a couple of hours a week.

Not loving being a SAHM doesn't make you a failure, or ungrateful. It just means you are a tired human. There's lots of us out there.

I might remove the example of how he irritates you, but I'd definitely let your DH read that letter. He really needs to understand how you feel. If he loves you he will want to try to do whatever it takes to make life feel happier for you. The letter will make him understand just how bad it is for you right now, and how important it is to achieve change.

Being a SAHM is not for everyone. There is no better option, just different choices. I've always WOH, my sister has always SAH. We have organised our families on entirely different lines and both set-ups work equally well because they are right for us based on our individual temperaments, goals, and family structure. I think you desperately need more adult company and some time away from your DC in order to enjoy the time you have with them more.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

Scunny let you DH know how you feel - there's no shame in it. I imagine if you are this miserable he probably knows, or at least suspects this, himself. Talking to him would at least allow you to share what's going on in your head and hopefully ease the burden of keeping this to yourself. You sound ashamed of your feelings; NEVER be ashamed of how you feel.

You sound depressed to me and like you need a change from your routine which is doing nothing for you. I imagine the thought of getting a part time job would be like adding more onto you when you are already over burdened but it might help you to find you again if that makes sense?

I wonder if visiting a doctor might be useful too - not for tablets but maybe they can put you in touch with someone to talk all this through with?

Fwiw I think you are being incredibly hard on yourself and being a sham with two littlies is not an easy option. Take care, lovely and tell us how things work out for you.

Sahm not sham! Blooming auto correct!!!!

OP

I would show that to your husband. Absolutely no reason not too.

Some people are not natural mothers. I am nothing like I thought I would be and better than I thought in other, tiny, ways.

You sounds shattered but I would hesitate to say depressed. Sometimes it is too quick to be stated as fact when actually some support, proper food and rest and time to yourself might be enough.

How old are your children?

When mine were little I think Fridays were practically telly days. They didn't watch a lot in the week but if on a Friday it made the day go better for them to watch a couple of DVDs or Cbeebies for more than 1 programme I didn't beat myself up. Some days I just want chocolate and tv. Children are the same. If what they are watching on tv and looking at on the ipad are age appropriate then it isn't so bad. I would only say it was an issue if they don't have the opportunity to do anything else or refuse too. A race around the garden is something simple and quick that you could use to break the screen time and would lead to other games. I have been known to send mine out to the garden to count the daisies .

Scunny love I have written a letter to DH exactly like that in the past and gave it to him. Because I had tried to talk to him about it but never felt that I was getting my point across properly I wrote it down and told him to read it. We talked through it and made some changes and it worked!
Please give it to him.

I think you need to talk to your GP rather than your dh (well maybe your dh aswell).

You are most definitely not alone in your feelings. How old are your children?

I remember very strongly feeling as you do, in hinddight I too should have gone to the dr's. I feel I wasted a lot of time feeling unhappy without good reason (iyswim).

I was perpetually tired so put everything down to that.

I echo everything these wonderful people have said.

I also think you should show him what you have written here.

I would just suggest that you leave out the sentence about him pissing you off, and the next one about the way he drinks. They're personal criticisms which might put him on the defensive, and, as you say, they're not his fault.

It will get better.

There is a myth that women are supposed to love being home with their young children.

They don't.

They love their children, but being trapped on your own as an adult women with young children is awful, because they ARE young children.

It was ok when we lived in big social groupings and the kids played in the dirt/killed each other while we had mates to talk to and share the load, but now it is often isolating and HORRIBLY GRIM.

Anyone who doesn't feel demented is either Pollyanna or a liar.