Letter to my husband that I'd never actually let him read....

[Scunnybunny]

Don't know where else to post but I had to vent.

Dear DH,

Today has been bad.

I lack in motivation.

My back hurts and I am too fucking fat and lazy.

Most of the things I attempt to do with the children are forced because I feel guilty.

Anything I attempt to do with DS1 ends up with DS2 ruining it or DS1 creating some kind of drama regarding DS2. SO I try to squeeze one on one time for DS1 into the hour that DS2 has a nap for but often he has got so used to playing on his tablet or watching TV that I have to prise him off them and almost force him to hang out with me because I'm a fucking loser. I can't cope.

I'm exhausted literally from the moment I wake up until I collapse into bed at night. I dread getting up in the mornings knowing you'll be at work and I am stuck here.

I feel constantly torn between them. I don't know who the hell I am anymore. I don't even think I want to be anything because I don't have the energy to do anything for myself or actually change the situation.

My heart pounds trying to get everything done in the small window of time I have before DS2 starts whinging or DS1 needs something. I am always trying to be good enough. Trying to be a good mum but in reality I know I am drowning.

I feel like I am a walking time bomb. I lose my cool so easily and whilst I've never hit our children, I am horribly irritated by them for a large proportion of the day. You must know this. They must know this.

I am a failure. I fucked up. I can't be who you want and need me to be.

Tonight I had to leave the living room and go upstairs other wise I knew I'd argue with you over God knows what. You just piss me off sometimes. The way you drink by putting loads in your mouth at once and then swallowing it bit by bit actually drives me demented. Everything annoys me and it's not even your fault.

I have no idea if things will ever get better. I know there are so many people out there with huge problems and horrible rifts in their marriage and that's not us. I know that. I know I should feel happy to be a stay at home mum and have 2 beautiful boys. But there are sometimes when this only adds to the guilt of over everything that it should be and everything that it's not.

So there it is. My life. Our life.

Love Scunny.

Desi - why are you and some other posters determined that she doesn't got to the GP? You can both be an exhausted mother and depressed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being depressed!

Its useful to know that you are not to blame for everything. And that if you take too much of the blame for every small thing then that is a sign of depression.

There was an interesting study once of young mothers in difficult circumstances, and the factor that was most relevant to whether they became depressed seemed to be how much support they had. The OP sounds very isolated.

On a practical note - some people have a reduced swallowing reflex, and have to take really tiny swallows to avoid choking. I'm like this. So I do the same thing as your DH. I was never any good at drinking games. I know it looks weird, but it can't be helped.

Scunny,

If I was your DH I'd really want to know what you've written, so we could work together to help address the issues at hand, both in the short and long term.

But to do that, you've got to have faith in knowing that he'd respond as such.

It's not a failure in you. It is bloody tough parenting anyone let alone two different people with two different needs on your own.

I have two DC now 4 and 3 and I feel an underlying guilt that I spend so little time doing things with them.

But I was also exhausted and depressed. I've been on anti-dep now since Feb last year and it has changed me. I am less emotional about everything. I don't feel overwhelmed with my lack of maternal energy, it just is. I am good at some aspects of parenting and that will be good enough.

I am able to deal with my DH better and avoid the competative tiredness and who had the harder life arguments we got into all the time. I see more what I can change and have more acceptance of who I am in all this and see some benefits to being a benign neglect style of parent.

I have been working 12 hours a week now for a year and that has helped hugely too. Twice a week I am not MUM but a paid employee who has ideas and achieves tasks.

I got to the point where it didn't matter if I was exhausted because I was depressed, or depressed because I was exhausted. Either way I needed something to help me stay awake as all I wanted to do was sleep and sleep and sleep in the day.

Maybe chat to a GP you like. See if they think a trial of something will help you feel more like YOU again. Then you might be clearer to take action that will help you get some space mentally again.