Letter to my husband that I'd never actually let him read....

[Scunnybunny]

Don't know where else to post but I had to vent.

Dear DH,

Today has been bad.

I lack in motivation.

My back hurts and I am too fucking fat and lazy.

Most of the things I attempt to do with the children are forced because I feel guilty.

Anything I attempt to do with DS1 ends up with DS2 ruining it or DS1 creating some kind of drama regarding DS2. SO I try to squeeze one on one time for DS1 into the hour that DS2 has a nap for but often he has got so used to playing on his tablet or watching TV that I have to prise him off them and almost force him to hang out with me because I'm a fucking loser. I can't cope.

I'm exhausted literally from the moment I wake up until I collapse into bed at night. I dread getting up in the mornings knowing you'll be at work and I am stuck here.

I feel constantly torn between them. I don't know who the hell I am anymore. I don't even think I want to be anything because I don't have the energy to do anything for myself or actually change the situation.

My heart pounds trying to get everything done in the small window of time I have before DS2 starts whinging or DS1 needs something. I am always trying to be good enough. Trying to be a good mum but in reality I know I am drowning.

I feel like I am a walking time bomb. I lose my cool so easily and whilst I've never hit our children, I am horribly irritated by them for a large proportion of the day. You must know this. They must know this.

I am a failure. I fucked up. I can't be who you want and need me to be.

Tonight I had to leave the living room and go upstairs other wise I knew I'd argue with you over God knows what. You just piss me off sometimes. The way you drink by putting loads in your mouth at once and then swallowing it bit by bit actually drives me demented. Everything annoys me and it's not even your fault.

I have no idea if things will ever get better. I know there are so many people out there with huge problems and horrible rifts in their marriage and that's not us. I know that. I know I should feel happy to be a stay at home mum and have 2 beautiful boys. But there are sometimes when this only adds to the guilt of over everything that it should be and everything that it's not.

So there it is. My life. Our life.

Love Scunny.

Your ES can collect things for a collage, or work on a project about autumn, or whatever interesting task you set: give him a bag and he has to find things in 10 different colours, textures, whatever, the younger can either ride in the buggy or find mud to stomp in. Your OP says you feel lazy: you aren't, you are just mentally rather than physically tired.
I'm sorry if I sound smug: i should say that when we started the long walks in the rain it was to hide the tears on my face from the kids as they had pushed me to the edge. It really helped me (us)..in fact I never did use one child to beat the other with!

momb thank you again. It helps to know I'm not the only one who has been driven to tears by children. DS2 is now awake and whining at his bin lorry that he can't put the bin on to. I wish I could take all these frustrating toys away but then he'd only go after Ds1's toys anyway.

Yes to so much of what is on here: wise Mumsnetters. I echo so much of what you have said, Scunny, as well as the ideas offered. It's many years since mine were that small, but my eldest and youngest DSs were a lot like yours, and my headstrong DD was between them.
I was a professional toddler group-goer on my 2 days off with the kids, and we did lots of wet walks to the park or to Tescos, just to get out of the house and so I could have some headspace. We also got a small trampoline for the garden which DS 1 loved.
This is not about you. This is about the tedium that is small children, as well as the relentlessness of it!
Good luck, and no more guilt!

There is a similar age gap between my two DD's as there are between yours. It has suddenly got a lot easier after DD2 turned 2, as they can actually play together - although it usually degenerates into a squabble.

DD2 is pretty challenging at home as well, deliberately cheeky and naughty and yet she is really happy the one day she goes to nursery and is apparently very well behaved. I think she likes having other kids around. If you are stuck in the house a lot can you invite other mums with toddlers over? Makes it all a lot easier ime.

Lol at wanting to use one child to beat the other with I am sure I would feel like this if I had two. Although in some ways it should get easier with two once they are at more similar stages. I know they feel so different now - my friend has a DS 2 or 3 years younger than mine and she posted that he was 7 the other day and I was because DS is 5 now and I was expecting hers to be about 9 or 10 in comparison!

I agree you are being hard on yourself by thinking you need to entertain them so much. If they're happily occupied then it doesn't matter if you've not spent much time with them - as long as you spend some.

Sounds like you need a local group of friends who you can text and say "Coffee at mine today?" or "Park?" - I found children's centres really good for this kind of thing, also to be able to just drop in at pretty much any time, there was always a group or another on.

When DS2 is having a nap, have a cup of tea and sit on the sofa. DS1 can sit there quite happily and play on the tablet and you can wind down a bit. This is hanging out together, you are available for talking to if he wants to (he sounds ok on that score).

I was a SAHM to 3 all very close together. I spent whole days just getting through the day. We used to go to a toddler group, or meet someone in the afternoon. Otherwise it was just a case of planning the getting up, breakfast, dressing, break, playing, lunch etc so that everything was in place for the perfect bedtime

One thing I learned was to slow down and not(appear) to get cross, or else the day deteriorated from bad to worse.

I'm finding 5 a really challenging age too. They can sometimes seem so grown up and lovely but they totally lack the reasonableness of an adult (obviously) or even an older child (not so obvious). DS still has huge rages if things don't go right and I find it so hard to deal with this. He's going through a stage of wanting to write at the moment but he's only at the stage of being able to write short, easily phonetic words like hat, cat, pot, etc. But he wants to write whole books and letters and I try to help him, but he gets so frustrated.

I mostly enjoy being a SAHM (DS is nearly 3, DD 8 months) but that's because:
Dh is rarely home later than 6pm and he is very hands on so I have a reasonsble "finishing time" and the day doesn't drag on and on
I don't put myself under pressure to get housework done. As long as everyone's fed anything beyond that is a bonus
I never ever spend the entire day in the house unless one of us is sick. I go to soft play, I run a toddler group twice a week, I have friends round, anything. Having other people around makes the day so much easier.
When I'm drinking tea/coffee I am off limits to Ds and the same will be true for dd when she is older. I have to have times in the day when I switch off. If I say to DS "tea" or even just point to my cup he knows he's wasting his time trying to get me to play. I am human and need a break and he has learned that.
I don't see it asy job to entertain my children. I provide love food and security not a one woman circus.

Betiespotts my DS1 got really frustrated with writing and spelling too. He's just about getting there now. He doesn't seem to get into rages but then he never has been a particularly volatile child even as a toddler (thank heavens) but he does sulk and is brought to tears easily- this morning in fact because DS2 spilled his drink .

Anyway, this afternoon when DS2 woke up we decided to go on a walk in the rain with out Wellies on and it was nice to get out the house but even then DS2 had a few whinges. DS1 just talked for the whole hour though...literally the whole hour asking questions and chattering away so it wasn't exactly a break.

The problem I find with inviting people round is that their kids usually just piss DS2 off even more, playing with things he can't have, closing doors, taking things he wants etc. Not making excuses here but I find people stressful at the minute despite hating being on my own. I really feel like there is no solution to this at all.

I don't have that many friends as it is and I feel like we all live very different lives, their children are either older or still babies. Or they have bigger age gaps so don't really see the problem with having 2. My really good friend gets it (she has 3 under 4yrs) and I do talk to her a lot but she lives 80 miles away and can't drive either so is in much the same situation as me, housebound with small children hanging off her!

Posted too soon. I will play now and again if I feel like it but mostly I just chat to them, hand dd toys (she's not mobile yet) and watch ds as he shows me things. I take them enough places/invite enough children around that playing with them isn't really necessary.

I will add that I developed pnd after dd was born and felt much like you do now - exhausted,.overwhelmed etc but I'm now on anti depressants and feel fine.

Some days are properly shit, just like in any job but being a sahm can be enjoyable. You're not a failure you just need to change things either by working, getting more balance, seeking treatment if you're depressed or just getting out more.

What do you think would help you?

Having read your most recent post, can I ask, do you feel you bonded with DS2 when he was a new baby?

CallinDana, you are a genius. I like the switching off with a cup of tea thing. Surely my boys are old enough to understand this rule? Mmmm maybe not DS2 but I could start! Thing is I think I may hurt DS1's feelings if I say I don't even want to talk to him while I'm having my cup of tea but that is the reality of it. I need for them both to just leave me alone for 10 minutes and not be expecting endless input.

Interesting question Callin. Yes I actually bonded with DS2 instantly whereas it took months to really feel love for DS1. Maybe I am making up for that now by over-compensating and becoming his one woman circus!?

I actually can be around DS2 alone and feel nothing but peace. It's the two of them together that I find I really struggle with. The summer holidays nearly killed me.

It really is fine to say you want some silence for 10 minutes especially to your ds who by now will be used to having to be quiet at school. You aren't a servant, your needs don't always come second to theirs. Allowing them to believe they have 100% access to you at all times isn't a good idea because it makes them forget you're a person who deserves respect and consideration as much as anyone else.

How do you feel when you spend time alone with DS1?

Good now. He was a difficult baby and toddler but is genuinely a lovely boy now but I do think I have lacked putting up any walls or distance between us because I just felt so guilty for how I used to feel. I honestly adore him but it hasn't been easy.

Though I'd be lying actually if I said he didn't irritate me at times. Surely all kids irritate their parents at times though? I find him lovely and reasonable and just adorable but then he does have this annoying way of making everything about him and running the house with his requests which actually thinking about it pisses me off. I have allowed him to do this haven't I? After we came in from our walk he immediately went and fetched his quilt and brought it down and said he was building a den for him and his brother, DS2 then starts to whinge and throw a tantrum because he wants the quilt on the floor. DS1 has this way of 'causing' DS2 to be demanding. I can't explain it but it's like he does things which just expect too much of DS2 or will wind DS2 up. It's my job to stop it but I hate saying no to DS1...that's not good is it? I've never really noticed how much I am governed by a 5 year old. Don't get me wrong, he's not nasty with it but he is very very controlling and demanding but in a polite way if that makes sense? He has got very used to being the apple of my eye I think and it's a difficult transition for him to make from being that to a big brother perhaps.

Do you feel powerless in dealing with your boys?

Sometimes. It depends. Sometimes I feel powerless and I let things go because I am trying to not snap at them but then it'll all become too much and I'll end up shouting anyway. I am snappy and horrible. I feel for sure like I am a crap mother. The boys aren't even particularly challenging as such, they are both loving and gentle little boys. Both have respect for the house and their toys (well as much as any 20 month old anyway!) but what I mean is they're not terrors tearing up our home or anything. I just feel utter helpless with knowing what to do with them sometimes. Everything feels too much and I am not good at any of it.

What would be different if you were good at it? How do you perceive a "good mother" to be?

I think that's fairly normal 5 year old behaviour - they haven't quite worked out that the world doesn't revolve around them, and even if they have, they haven't really figured out empathy on that kind of macro level. So, for example, he might offer to share his sweets if there are others around or he was prompted, but if he was alone with the sweets it wouldn't occur to him to save some in case other people want them later, he would just see "Cool, ALL of these sweets for me!"

So I don't think his behaviour antagonising his brother is on purpose - it's just he doesn't have the capacity yet to think through every situation before he does it (like an adult would) and assess whether it's appropriate to be doing around a 2 year old, might wind him up, etc. I'm just guessing here because I don't have two but when I've been with DS playing with children of different ages you do have to micromanage a bit to make sure that they understand what each other is doing rather than them communicating at cross purposes or assuming that the other understands when they don't. So when DS2 starts getting wound up about the quilt you could stop them and get DS1 to show DS2 what he is doing, reminding him that DS2 doesn't always understand, and get DS2 to wait and look at what his brother is doing before he jumps in. Again I think this will be much easier when they are more level. You could try reading "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen..." and also "Siblings Without Rivalry" by the same authors, both are excellent and have really good management strategies for this sort of situation.

I find I am snappy when I am tired and when I would rather be doing something else, and ESPECIALLY when I feel I should be doing something else. If I have a plan and feel on top of things then I'm much better.

Loads of good advice on here.I really feel for you.When ds1 was 7 and home edded and ds2 was a baby...I usedto look at the clock and seeit wasonly 9am...and dp would not be back for 4 days...and want to cry...and did!...You are allowed time for you....tell your dh how you are feeling.x

Space bar gets stuck!

You do actually sound a little depressed. Eg. "I feel for sure like I am a crap mother." and "I just feel utter helpless with knowing what to do with them sometimes. Everything feels too much and I am not good at any of it."

I would suggest you do go to see your GP, not to put you on tranquillisers, but to get some bloods analysed. I too often feel exhausted (and have for years), and only recently found there were very good physiological reasons I felt like this.

You do also need to get out and see people. It doesn't matter that you feel you have something in common with them, getting out and seeing other peoples inperfect parenting could help.

Are you in Scotland? Do you feel worse in winter? If so maybe a daylight lamp could help?

Finally why not try a star chart or a behaviour chart for your little one. For the first you set yourself the target of giving him ten stars a day; which means you have to spot him doing something good ten times each day (its not his responsibility but yours, so you learn to spot him being good). With the behaviour chart you divide the day into one or two hour slots and give him a smiley face, neutral face or sad face for each one. So hopefully you will see he isn't always annoying.

I knew someone was going to say you are depressed. .. when you are clearly very tired.