Letter to my husband that I'd never actually let him read....

[Scunnybunny]

Don't know where else to post but I had to vent.

Dear DH,

Today has been bad.

I lack in motivation.

My back hurts and I am too fucking fat and lazy.

Most of the things I attempt to do with the children are forced because I feel guilty.

Anything I attempt to do with DS1 ends up with DS2 ruining it or DS1 creating some kind of drama regarding DS2. SO I try to squeeze one on one time for DS1 into the hour that DS2 has a nap for but often he has got so used to playing on his tablet or watching TV that I have to prise him off them and almost force him to hang out with me because I'm a fucking loser. I can't cope.

I'm exhausted literally from the moment I wake up until I collapse into bed at night. I dread getting up in the mornings knowing you'll be at work and I am stuck here.

I feel constantly torn between them. I don't know who the hell I am anymore. I don't even think I want to be anything because I don't have the energy to do anything for myself or actually change the situation.

My heart pounds trying to get everything done in the small window of time I have before DS2 starts whinging or DS1 needs something. I am always trying to be good enough. Trying to be a good mum but in reality I know I am drowning.

I feel like I am a walking time bomb. I lose my cool so easily and whilst I've never hit our children, I am horribly irritated by them for a large proportion of the day. You must know this. They must know this.

I am a failure. I fucked up. I can't be who you want and need me to be.

Tonight I had to leave the living room and go upstairs other wise I knew I'd argue with you over God knows what. You just piss me off sometimes. The way you drink by putting loads in your mouth at once and then swallowing it bit by bit actually drives me demented. Everything annoys me and it's not even your fault.

I have no idea if things will ever get better. I know there are so many people out there with huge problems and horrible rifts in their marriage and that's not us. I know that. I know I should feel happy to be a stay at home mum and have 2 beautiful boys. But there are sometimes when this only adds to the guilt of over everything that it should be and everything that it's not.

So there it is. My life. Our life.

Love Scunny.

The thing about the examples of her DH irritating her (and drinking like that would irritate me too x) is that they are examples of how on edge Scunny is feeling at the moment, that's why I personally would leave it in, they are just things he does, not in order to annoy her, they're just habits but right now they are setting her teeth on edge so much that she has to leave the room. It's the perfect example of how she's feeling.
I would however reword the small bit about him actually pissing her off though, that needs to be a bit more diplomatic.

yy Dobbies

Can I share an interesting fact about depression?

Women are more likely to be clinically depressed (using rating scales) than men. Thus is true every where in the world except one place in Ethiopia I think, where the women live together in big kin groups, sharing childcare between them eg you, your mum, your sisters,aunts etc. The men live isolated lives basically trying to get laid.

The women are far less depressed than the men, and other women in other social set-ups.

Being isolated, looking after children is Shit, and may be bad for you. Don't assume it is your fault.

It certainly drove me round the bend, and back to work!

Tell your DH. Surely you'd want to know if he felt like that?

here here hear hear

You are only echoing what many many others have felt before. I felt like that and I wasn't even under any pressure at the time. I even had a cleaner twice a week!
If only I had known mumsnet back then I would have felt a lot more normal, a lot sooner.
Nobody seems to want to express these frustrations in real life. All the other sahms I knew 'loved' it.
I went back to work full time when Dd1 was 6 months.
Then resolved to be 'better' with Dd2 but also returned to pt work early.

Give yourself a break. The first step is to acknowledge that you have good reason to feel like this. The guilt you feel is not justified and probably the source of half your stress.

And if your Dh doesn't seem to understand remind yourself it is most likely because he had never been in your shoes day after day after day.

Oh, and have a look at the teenage threads on mumsnet! They helped me realise that it would not be forever!

Thanks to everyone. I have read the replies and you are all being very kind so thank you for the support.

My boys are 5 and 20 months. DS1 has actually started full time school but it's half term here at the moment so I am stuck in the house in the pissing rain with nothing to do but go steadily mad. I love talking with DS1, he's a lovely boy actually but he just gives me no head-space at all. He talks for England which I love but sometimes I just want his to shut up for 5 minutes. Sometimes I put the TV on just so he'll leave me alone but even then he'll talk about what's on the TV or talk over the top of something I want to see. Bless him, he's not a bad kid at all, he just loves being around me and is extremely adult engaged and wants to be part of everything.

DS2 is a whinge bag or frustration at the moment. He is very annoyed when he can't reach things, cries whenever DS1 has a toy that he wants, whinges when we can't understand his words. Whinges sometimes just because he can I think. I find him extremely wearing at the minute. Again, it's not his fault. Just normal toddler stuff I suppose but the noise of him whinging actually sends me in to a spin. I grit my teeth whilst desperately trying to figure out what the hell he actually wants. Sometimes he just walks around the house looking sad with big tears in his eyes which breaks my heart but I have no idea what the problem is.

The main concern is that he stops DS1 playing because obviously anything I want to do with DS1 or any toy or game he has, DS2 wrecks it, unintentionally, just by grabbing at it and crying for it etc etc etc. It's getting to the point where I just dread being on my own with them both because I know the TV will go on just to keep DS1 entertained.

I feel so pathetic because there are mums out there who seem to cope perfectly well with 8 children and I am here tearing my hair out with the 2 I have. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I am lazy so I try to do things with them but inevitably it just causes more stress, more whinging and me being snappy and feeling like a failure.

I love them both. Honestly, it may not sound like it but I do. I would gladly lay my life down for either of them but there are times, lately about 90% of the time, when I just look at my life and the life I have given my poor children and wonder what the fuck was I thinking? Why did I think I could do this? Clearly I can't.

I long to go back to work but then I worked after DS1 turned 2 and I felt sad all the time I wasn't with him and guilty for leaving him. Then went off to have DS2 and haven't been back to work. There's not many jobs going round here, none which would fit around DS1's school and I'd need childcare for DS2 which I just don't know how I feel about that. Not against child care settings at all but DS2 is so demanding I worry he'd be miserable or just ignored there....or worse, expelled (only half joking!).

We have no family support. No friends, well I do have a few friends but most of them work and have their own children (and seem to cope perfectly fucking fine). It's just me. I can't seem to live this trapped half life. I worry about the boys all the time and how they will remember their childhood. Will they remember me as being this snappy moody cow? God I hope not. I just want them to feel loved and safe and I can't seem to give them that.

Now now.

Find a nursery or childminder for DS2 for a couple of short days a week. If you got him afternoons, you could have some of the afternoon to yourself, then collect DS1 from school and have some time just for him.

There's nothing wrong with you. Not wanting to be stuck at home with nothing but small children for company is normal. In the olden days, pre-feminism, when women had no choice but to do that, doctors used to dish out tranquilisers like Smarties.... just so women could get through the day. So there's nothing wrong with you...

Although it was many years ago, I remember my oldest two being those ages and the remorseless tedium of it all. My solution was to fill the house up with other mothers - I had an open house policy and would beg people to come round… or escape outside. Or telly, there was a lot of telly.

The drudgery of it all is so very wearing but it does get better. I second finding some nursery care for your youngest, so you get a bit of time to yourself.

I think the word there is seem there are a lot of women out there who seem fine, but they aren't. They feel exactly like you. Us women are our own worst enemy at times, especially when it comes to being a mother. We seem to make everything into a competition.

You must not compare yourself to others, their children are not the same as yours, their circumstances are not the dame as yours. And quite frankly they may be putting on a show so that you think how wonderful they are, when the reality is much the same as yours.

You are not a failure. Your children know you love then and in years to come will not remember you being a bit short with them, or "being a cow"

You need to look into what groups age available around near you, somewhere you can get a little respite and the kids can run off some steam. And you really need to speak to your DH. He needs to know how you feel, only then can he help.

Also it may be worth speaking to your GP, you sound like you're in a bad place and whilst I'm not going to diagnose you with depression, it may be that you need some talk therapy to boost your confidence and find coping strategies, or something more short term.
Your GP may also be able to suggest some mother and child groups that you can attend.

You are not alone in this, and whilst some mums out there have 8 children and find it all as easy as pie, that doesn't mean those with less children are bad mothers, or inferior. However I think your situation and feelings are far more common than you realise

Step by step, piece by piece you need to get your mojo back. I found DD2's behaviour directly linked to my mental state. In her first year, when I had PND, she was the most difficult baby. I dreaded her starting nursery and me going back to work but it was the best thing for her. I started orchestra again and doing parkrun at the weekend and gradually felt better and better. Now she is nearly 4 and a little angel - prob because I feel so much better in myself. Grab some you time back - do exercise, join a choir, whatever it is you love doing.

" I worry about the boys all the time and how they will remember their childhood. Will they remember me as being this snappy moody cow?"

My DS (now 13) was in full-time child-care from being 13 weeks old until when he started school when we had wrap-round CM. I'm a lone parent so no choice about staying home basically. I've asked him what he remembers of the early years and the answer is 'very little'. We are extremely close, he seems to be pretty well-balanced, intelligent etc. If staying home turns you into a snappy, moody cow it just isn't right for you.

Growing up in the seventies, I remember my mother and the endless round of Tupperware parties and coffee mornings which helped her through the week. The mothers could have some grown up company while the kids entertained each other.

It can be really hard to be on your own with small children all day. So isolating.

Mmmm maybe I should see about tranquilisers???

In all honesty it might be better for the children to have a doped up chilled out mummy than this miserable stroppy bitch.

I just don't have a clue how to entertain them both. How does anyone make this work? I thought with a 3 year age gap it would work out, not too big that they wouldn't have anything in common but big enough so DS1 was a little bit more independent, potty trained, could dress himself etc. Doesn't seem to have made anything any better. I just can not parent 2 children.

I've never been able to entertain children. If I'd wanted to do that with my life I'd have got some big shoes and joined the circus Best I could do with DS was let him follow me around the house as I went about my day. If I was gardening, he got a spade. If I was cooking, he got a spoon. If I was reading the newspaper, he got to watch CBeebies! Entertainment is what playgroups, nurseries and so on are for.

Cogito I think you are right. I actually need to stop feeling guilty for not being able to entertain them both all the time. I think DS1 got very used to being the centre of attention. He's not spoilt as such but he is very very demanding of my time and likes me to talk to him constantly. Like I say, it's not a bad thing as such but then I do sometimes think there's no wonder DS2 is whining because DS1 really does take up all my time so when DS2 starts moaning I kind of resent him for sucking up any of the small window of 'me' time. Also the fact that they CAN NOT play together yet, DS2 is just too young but he still wants everything DS1 has which drives us all mad but I know it's normal isn't it?! So why can I not deal with it? It all just feels like hard work. There's not fun or excitement in any of it. It's just relentlessly hard.

It is hard work... no getting away from it. Or rather you can get away from it by boxing clever and using a combination of paid childcare and various social groups to take the strain. One of my best friends went from being hard-nosed alpha career woman to SAHM of 2 small DCs and achieved the transition by treating it just the same as project management. :) She had 'staff' to deal with domestic stuff like gardening and cleaning and spent her days shuttling her kids between nurseries and organised activities. Full diary.

Behold the Wisdom of Mumsnet
behold and believe

?

Waterproof proof suits and wellies. A cheap buggy. When it is all too much, when you don't know which one to pick up to beat the other with, then everyone gets bundled into waterproofs and away you go. Splash in puddles, collect manky leaves, whatever. They will be engaged at their own levels, you will get some fresh air, and more importantly a period where you are all marching along and everyone is too breathless to speak/whine etc.
I remember doing this week in week out with mine at a similar age. Honestly, this is a really tough time in your children's development, but it will pass!
I feel for you.

I wish I could afford to run it like that Cogito! I would spend time with them but it would definitely be easier if it weren't so isolating and such long hours of being alone with them is driving me crazy. I can't go anywhere when weather is bad. I can't drive and we can't really afford to run another car anyway. Going anywhere has to be on a bus and there's just nowhere to go anyway! I am trapped. Poor children are trapped too. DH just came home from work for a dentist appointment and has taken DS1 with him for a drive and chat. DS2 is asleep. I really should enjoy the peace and quiet.

Definitely put your feet up. But do talk to your DH and explain just how miserable and isolated you feel. Your family is a team effort, not a one-man band and he can only help you come up with some solutions if he knows just how bad things have got.

Thank you momb. The problem is that DS1 is so much like an adult that he'd be like 'why are we going out?' 'what do I want manky leaves for?' haha. He is just like me! DS2 would probably still love it. This is the problem I have that they are at SUCH different ages mentally and physically that anything I do bores one of them or irritates the other. I will give it a go when DH brings DS1 home and DS2 wakes up. I'll suggest we get our willies on and go for a walk in the woods. I need to get out.

Ohh god WELLIES not willies!

Arf at willies