Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL starting to really worry me regarding my baby....

122 replies

GoodnessKnowsBest · 21/10/2013 20:34

N/C - Quick background my SIL and I have always been really close. She has 2 dcs, 11 and 14. I have 2 boys 3yrs and 3mths. She has had a really bad year, messy divorce and diagnosed with MS.
Since the birth of ds2 I have found her quite over the top, few examples include taking ds2 off me, unasked, when he was crying saying 'oh auntie x knows how to settle you'; nicknaming ds2 with a personal name to her; regularly saying 'oh well I treat him like he's mine' and 'he feels like he's my baby', 'i'm a second mum to him'. She was so over the top with him at a recent wedding that strangers thought he was her child not mine. I set most of this aside knowing I can be over protective and thinking she was just over zealous and it would calm down, till today...
Both sil and I used to use an equestrian forum as we are both horsey, sil knows I rarely use it now. anyway by off chance I logged in today, it is a small community so when I saw a post started by someone called the nickname my sil gave to ds2 I clicked on it. It had to be her as firstly nickname very unique and all the details matched her life except one, she talked about HER 3month old son. I went back through threads and all the details were there, feeding issues I've had, his weight gain details, a strange rash he had and random stories about what made him giggle, being tired from being up all night etc, etc! But all written as if she is his mother.
I'm seriously freaked out. My instinct is to wrap up my sons and keep them away from her. I don't know whether she just told a lie which went too far and had fun with an online persona (so will feel very foolish that I've seen it) or this is something far more serious. I love my SIL, she's my best friend. What the hell do I do with this?

OP posts:
nomorebooze · 22/10/2013 16:39

just read thread hoping your talk goes well this afternoon. did you manage to speak to her doctor? I hope she opens up to you and allows you to help her! good luck.

nomorebooze · 22/10/2013 16:39

just read thread hoping your talk goes well this afternoon. did you manage to speak to her doctor? I hope she opens up to you and allows you to help her! good luck.

FobblyWoof · 22/10/2013 16:42

What a difficult situation for you all. I can totally understand why you're angry. It does also sound like mh issues may be playing a part. I hope today goes well for you

budgieshell · 22/10/2013 17:16

I would be livid. I'm not so sure about the softly softly approach because she needs to know how serious this is. If a stranger had done this it would be a police matter. This is personal information and photographs for every one to see. My concern would be what else is she capable of and why not share information about her own children. Are her own children emotionally neglected?

KillerKoalaFaceFromSpace · 22/10/2013 17:25

I just wanted to say how well I think you're handling this. It would have been so easy to fly off the handle but you seem to be trying to do your best by her which is lovely.

It's best if things like this can be out in the open so that if someone is struggling they have support available to them. If you feel her ex would freak out though I can see why you may hesitate in telling him.

I'm not being much help but here's a hand to hold if you need it.

Original poster
GoodnessKnowsBest · 22/10/2013 17:48

Thanks all.
My bil, her exh, is a decent guy, he'll be concerned but will try and help.
Tried talking to her, didn't go well.
She came over, dh took boys out, I made tea, was very calm and friendly. Said I needed to talk, she needed to know I was worried not angry, I got out print out of threads and said can we talk about this, she walked out. Bil gone to talk to her.

OP posts:
nomorebooze · 22/10/2013 18:13

needed done! hopefully shes just mortified about being found out and will come round soon! Also hope BIL gets somewhere......

cloudskitchen · 22/10/2013 18:33

Well at least it's out there now. Have you checked other forums as well? MN, babycentre etc? I hope your bil manages to have a productive chat with her. I think you are very sensible to keep you children away for now no matter how compassionate you are feeling towards her.

KillerKoalaFaceFromSpace · 22/10/2013 18:47

You approached her in the best way. I hope she feels able to accept some support for whatever she is going through.

FobblyWoof · 22/10/2013 19:02

It sounds like you're handling it in the best way.

What do you think your next move will be?

amicusapple · 22/10/2013 19:04

Comments about her being a freak are not particularly helpful. I do think that there are concerns about her behaviour and mental health.

Could you seek some support on how to handle this from a gp or even a mental health charity? I'd be worried about confronting her until you have got an idea of how to best approach the subject and find ways to support her rather than be confrontational.

Have a think about what you would find as an acceptable reason for her doing this in your eyes. Chances are, unless she admits she's got a problem, that any answer is not going to satisfy you. I'd also guess she won't readily admit if she's having emotional or mental health issues as she'll be embarrassed. If this is the case, confrontation won't help.

Hope you can find a way to deal and protect your DCs and protect your friendship.

Reprint · 22/10/2013 19:13

Just a thought - your OP mentions that she has recently been diagnosed with MS?
MS can and does have impact on mental states - it is a condition of the brain. While not common, psychosis is well documented as a symptom.
(www.mstrust.org.uk/professionals/information/wayahead/articles/07012003_02.jsp This is a starting point link]]

I think you are right to be cautious about the childrens' safety at the moment, and equally right to want to approach this with both love and care. I would hope that the GP will be able to have an input at an early stage.

What a sad situation.
Flowers, OP

Reprint · 22/10/2013 19:15

Link fail grrrrrrrrrrr

Here you go

AllThatGlistens · 22/10/2013 19:21

I do believe it's the best thing in this situation that your BIL was made aware, and best for you all that it's out in the open now.

I hope she accepts some help and this is resolved quickly for you and your family.

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 22/10/2013 20:25

Have you heard anything OP?

Original poster
GoodnessKnowsBest · 22/10/2013 21:45

Bil sent message to says she's ok but lots of issues coming up. Still talking to her.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 22/10/2013 22:20

Hope she gets the support she needs, and I admire you so much for the loving and sensible way you've approached this. Will keep all crossed this comes out in the wash for all concerned.

zipzap · 22/10/2013 23:38

Sorry to hear that the chat didn't go very well but it sounds like your BIL/her ex still cares enough about her to help her work through it at least today, which is great as it means she isn't by herself (or just with her kids) and thus hopefully now that she has started to talk, it will be a starting point for this to be turned around and for her to get the help she needs - from professions and from friends and family.

Well done on being brave enough to start to talk to her - that really can't have been easy.

DaffodilsandSnow · 22/10/2013 23:54

You do sound lovely and caring, she is lucky to have you. She doesn't sound very well. I do feel concerned for your baby, I know lots of others have said no contact etc but please be vigilant too. I don't mean to cause you more stress and worry but this isn't sitting very comfortably with me.

BigPawsBrown · 23/10/2013 00:07

For people saying the friendship is over, this makes me Hmm. What if she has a mental condition, recovers and is fine?

BangOn · 23/10/2013 06:46

wow, people are sounding so calm about this.

bet you'd get a whole different set of responses if you'd put BIL instead of SIL.

DorothyBastard · 23/10/2013 06:51

I think you sound like you have handled this really well. You need to be sensitive and you obviously care about her and are concerned about her, but you're also not going to be passive when it comes to your family. Well done you. I hope she acknowledges the problem fully and addresses it.

Jaynebxl · 23/10/2013 07:07

Goodness poor you, and poor her. It must be horrible to find such threads about your child, and she must have been feeling desperate to start posting them in the first place. Hope she will accept help and go and see the dr.

raisah · 23/10/2013 07:08

I think after erher horrible divorce she wants to escape & be needed and a baby provides that uncomplicated need. Your sil has young teenagers who won't be needing her so much now and her marriage has broken down so she is feeling rejected. Your baby is fulfilling a gap in her life but unfortunately she has stepped a line into fantasy land.

he isnt a freak but is very ill & depressed, she might be displaying signs of borderline personality disorder. She needs to see a dr and you need to protect your son and I think you know that confrontation isnt the way forward.

Is there anybody else that has noticed her behaviour? Can you talk to your partner/family about her & decide what to do.

JoanRanger · 23/10/2013 07:24

I suggest contacting the forum admin and asking them to remove the threads, as you've tried talking to her. It'll get them offline, and remove some of that stress at least.