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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL starting to really worry me regarding my baby....

122 replies

GoodnessKnowsBest · 21/10/2013 20:34

N/C - Quick background my SIL and I have always been really close. She has 2 dcs, 11 and 14. I have 2 boys 3yrs and 3mths. She has had a really bad year, messy divorce and diagnosed with MS.
Since the birth of ds2 I have found her quite over the top, few examples include taking ds2 off me, unasked, when he was crying saying 'oh auntie x knows how to settle you'; nicknaming ds2 with a personal name to her; regularly saying 'oh well I treat him like he's mine' and 'he feels like he's my baby', 'i'm a second mum to him'. She was so over the top with him at a recent wedding that strangers thought he was her child not mine. I set most of this aside knowing I can be over protective and thinking she was just over zealous and it would calm down, till today...
Both sil and I used to use an equestrian forum as we are both horsey, sil knows I rarely use it now. anyway by off chance I logged in today, it is a small community so when I saw a post started by someone called the nickname my sil gave to ds2 I clicked on it. It had to be her as firstly nickname very unique and all the details matched her life except one, she talked about HER 3month old son. I went back through threads and all the details were there, feeding issues I've had, his weight gain details, a strange rash he had and random stories about what made him giggle, being tired from being up all night etc, etc! But all written as if she is his mother.
I'm seriously freaked out. My instinct is to wrap up my sons and keep them away from her. I don't know whether she just told a lie which went too far and had fun with an online persona (so will feel very foolish that I've seen it) or this is something far more serious. I love my SIL, she's my best friend. What the hell do I do with this?

OP posts:
doorbellringer · 21/10/2013 21:01

I would go berserk at her. I would print it all off and confront her in no uncertain terms. I know she had had problems but by tiptoeing around her you are giving yourself problems. A bit too 'Hand that rocks the cradle' for my liking. Seriously, you need to look out for your children or where will this stop? I think she needs a cold hard shock to see how inappropriate this behavior is.

DottyboutDots · 21/10/2013 21:02

Liara, that is lovely and kind advice.

Shenanagins · 21/10/2013 21:02

Is it possible she is suffering from depression? In the past year she had gotten divorced and been diagnosed with a major illness each on their own could easily trigger depression.

As you are so close I think it would be better to have a chat with her in the hope she will open up to you.

kotinka · 21/10/2013 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOF · 21/10/2013 21:04

You need a chat, not a screaming match, and you need to encourage her to see her GP. This is not normal behaviour.

HellYeah3 · 21/10/2013 21:07

Whatever you do make sure you have a copy of everything, print outs and screen shots just in case.

TheFabulousIdiot · 21/10/2013 21:08

In the first instance I would contact the forum admins and ask that the thread be pulled. Then speaks her, either by pm on that board of in person.

runawaysimba · 21/10/2013 21:09

I want to second Liara's advice, too. While you find it overstepping, it's not actually hurting you or DS, whereas she is clearly hurting. If you can approach this with some tenderness, it sounds like appropriate boundaries can be drawn, but your DS will keep a loving Aunty in his life.

HellYeah3 · 21/10/2013 21:11

Could you log in being a 'friend'. Then say oh hi goodness recognised your son... Didn't no you were on this and see if she is pretending she is you or if she panics etc. then take it from there.

pombal · 21/10/2013 21:12

This is awful for her and you.
She is having MH issues - unsurprisingly.
Your priority is your children.
I hope you can support her, but always put them first even if that means distance from her at present.

LittleBairn · 21/10/2013 21:14

Liara has given excellent advice, show her thread let her know you kne then et her explain herself.
She does need to know that ths behaviour is unacceptable and unhealthy and can't continue. You also need to start pulling her up when she tres to overtake your DS care, this just encourages the fantasy of her being 'mummy'.

whyno · 21/10/2013 21:14

What Liara said.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/10/2013 21:15

I think you need to keep your kid away from her.

And if it were me, I'd be keeping myself away from her too.

Original poster
GoodnessKnowsBest · 21/10/2013 21:31

I suppose technically she isn't my sil anymore as she was married to dhs brother. I have stayed in contact much to family's disapproval.

Dh is fuming and said I can't take the children to hers anymore. He has reported the threads.
I just feel sad, sad for her, sad she is this low, sad at how this may affect her long-term.

OP posts:
CreatureRetorts · 21/10/2013 21:36

I'd feel scared for my baby and sad for her. Your DH is right, you do realise this? You can talk to her in a non confrontational way, when the kids aren't around.

bundaberg · 21/10/2013 21:38

you could still talk to her though. i mean she WILL get in touch with you, you can't just ignore her.

say that you came across it, and that you're there if she needs a friendly ear, but that you can't allow this to continue involving your children.

TerrorTremor · 21/10/2013 21:53

Poor woman, sounds like a real struggle.

If I were to guess and it really is just a guess - I would say she wishes she had your life right now and is trying to live it out, if you see what I mean.

I hope she is receiving support from a team specially to deal with her specific condition.

I think all you can do is be there for her emotionally. I think although it's hard you have to explain to her that you are here for her, but it's not right for her to post up pictures of your children online without your permission. Also, that you are there for her but she needs to understand that you are ds2's mother and don't want to confuse him with how she has been behaving.

I can understand why your husband is upset about her behaviour, but I doubt she'd be a danger to your children, she is probably just very low right now.

Poor woman and poor you. :(

HotDogWater · 21/10/2013 21:56

Can't help but feel compassion for her here. Gosh what a difficult one, it must have absolutely freaked you the he'll out!!

Original poster
GoodnessKnowsBest · 21/10/2013 22:07

I've moved into worry, sadness and compassion now. I'm going to deal with it but gently, and agree this is a far bigger issue.
I will keep my children away until we've set new boundaries though, I'm just not comfortable otherwise.

OP posts:
elsabel · 21/10/2013 22:20

Sorry if someone has already made this point and ive missed it, but she is also putting photos of your baby on the internet without your permission. Thats bad even on its own.

What a horrible position to be in OP, and sounds like she needs help as is probably suffering from mental health problems that maybe no one is aware of

LozzaCro · 21/10/2013 22:22

Oh my gosh. This is some really intricate stuff.

I would echo the wise words already spoken, it appears she has been living your life through this forum to get away from how terrible a time she has had. Still, very strange and in all honesty I think I would handle this all around the wrong way. Its all very emotive stuff, but you sound as though you have your head screwed on the right way.

Lx

zipzap · 21/10/2013 22:40

Do you know which GPs surgery she uses? Any chance you could ring them up and report this to them in case there is a mental health aspect to her illness - it would give them a bigger picture that she isn't telling them and they might be able to step in and help with counselling or support?

And agree about the picture of your baby online - do you mind putting pictures of your kids on the internet? I know dh hates it so I don't have any pix of my dc online (even though I'd love to have a handful up there as I love looking at pix of friend's kids, especially those that live a long way away or abroad and who I don't otherwise get to see, so it would be nice to have a few up of my own kids so they could see them too).

It might also be an easy way into a difficult conversation. Have you googled on the nickname or looked on other sites she might have used and seen if this is the only site she has done this on or has she done it on other sites too?

Original poster
GoodnessKnowsBest · 21/10/2013 22:56

Oh gosh zipzap hadn't thought of looking elsewhere.
No we don't have any pics of ds online.
Wr use same gp so could mention there. Supposed to see her tomorrow, not ready to deal with this yet but equally she'll know somethings up if I cancel. We run a baby group together.
This feels bigger and bigger by the second!

OP posts:
zipzap · 21/10/2013 23:04

Could you say you think you're (all?) coming down with d&v and that you obviously don't want to pass it on as a reason not to go tomorrow?

WOuldn't advocate lying usually but in this instance it's a white lie that would get you out of the baby group without having to say 'don't want to be talking to you at the moment'...

And after all - I'm guessing this all is making you feel pretty sick to the stomach - so you do feel sick and there is a very small chance that it could be a vomiting bug that you wouldn't normally go to a group like that with!

If you use the same surgery then it definitely sounds like it is worth ringing them up to let them know what's up. They won't be able to tell you anything but they can certainly listen and record your info and use it to help treat your sil.

MistressDeeCee · 22/10/2013 03:01

What a sad story. I feel sorry for your SIL but I do know if it were me as a mother my protective instincts would come to the fore immediately - most of us would kill for our children wouldnt we, someone fabricating a whole story and lifestyle based around my child would scream 'weird' to me, and I wouldnt allow them around my child anymore. I cant care about feelings when I have my DCs safety and wellbeing in mind.

Who is actually qualified to know that a gentle chat with her would make her open up? how can anyone be sure? Sometimes we feel we can be nurse/counsellor and in many instances, we just can't.

This is an obsession. & in no way or form is any obsession healthy or rational. Nothing to do with whether a person is related to you or not. Look out for your child 1st, that comes before anything and anybody. If you can point her in the direction to get help - thats all saying, she feels she needs help - then, all well and good. But again - your DC comes 1st.