SIL starting to really worry me regarding my baby....

[GoodnessKnowsBest]

N/C - Quick background my SIL and I have always been really close. She has 2 dcs, 11 and 14. I have 2 boys 3yrs and 3mths. She has had a really bad year, messy divorce and diagnosed with MS.
Since the birth of ds2 I have found her quite over the top, few examples include taking ds2 off me, unasked, when he was crying saying 'oh auntie x knows how to settle you'; nicknaming ds2 with a personal name to her; regularly saying 'oh well I treat him like he's mine' and 'he feels like he's my baby', 'i'm a second mum to him'. She was so over the top with him at a recent wedding that strangers thought he was her child not mine. I set most of this aside knowing I can be over protective and thinking she was just over zealous and it would calm down, till today...
Both sil and I used to use an equestrian forum as we are both horsey, sil knows I rarely use it now. anyway by off chance I logged in today, it is a small community so when I saw a post started by someone called the nickname my sil gave to ds2 I clicked on it. It had to be her as firstly nickname very unique and all the details matched her life except one, she talked about HER 3month old son. I went back through threads and all the details were there, feeding issues I've had, his weight gain details, a strange rash he had and random stories about what made him giggle, being tired from being up all night etc, etc! But all written as if she is his mother.
I'm seriously freaked out. My instinct is to wrap up my sons and keep them away from her. I don't know whether she just told a lie which went too far and had fun with an online persona (so will feel very foolish that I've seen it) or this is something far more serious. I love my SIL, she's my best friend. What the hell do I do with this?

Used the tummy bug story this morn. Will speak to her properly tomorrow. I was re-reading posts she'd written and it isn't her pretending to be me, I.e have my life, its definately her life just with my son.
I do feel sick today, re-reading all threads properly has made me angry though, there are 2 more pictures of him and most his details, its my baby she's sharing with the world, these are my stories to share with who I choose, how dare she steal that from me, he's MY son! How dare she pretend otherwise, this is so far beyond loving aunty! One of the pictures is of his first smile, I took that pic and sent it to her. I feel sick.
I think I need to let myself process this and not feel so angry before I confront her.
Speaking to gp today.

goodness you sound lovely. You are angry - understandably - but trying to keep a lid on it so you can help her which is very generous of you. Hope the next steps go well.

Keeping a lid on my dh is going to be harder, he's steaming today, I've never seen him so riled. He's says we have to tell his brother, her exh, as he doesn't think his nephews are safe with her.
What a mess. I need to talk to her and gp. Half wishing Ihhadn't shown dh. He's a wonderful husband and father, and just protecting us. He says he doesn't want me seeing her either. He thinks she's seriously ill and we need to get professional advice and help.

She must be having some major issues if she is behaving in such an odd way.
You are right to keep the children away from her, especially the baby. I worry about her mental state and think speaking to a professional is the right thing to do.

If she posted on a forum you both use(d), maybe she did so knowing that you might find them? Whether she did or not, this is a horrible horrible situation for you and your DH.

Oh my goodness that is horrifying

I have to say I agree with your DH in all honesty, I understand how sad and worried you must be feeling for her as a friend, but your DH is right, this is not normal behaviour at all and it has to be dealt with, she's passing off your baby as her own!

If she has DC I would absolutely be informing their father, her behaviour is erratic and irrational to say the least, and as for publishing photos of your baby on the internet, thats just

Be worried for her, of course, but your own family must come first.

I hope she gets the help she so clearly needs.

What's she like with your older son? Does she ignore him in favour of your baby?

She's great with ds1, exactly how you'd expect a loving, fun aunt to be. She does favour ds2 but her bond/ relationship with him is different.

OP - I can completely sympathise with your anger over this. You must feel violated.
Can I just suggest though, that you work through that anger before you speak to her? Reason being that I think your friendship is all but over. She is going to be completely mortified about this, and probably upset and apologetic. I doubt you'll be able to recover your respect for her though, and along with your feelings of major ick, the relationship is likely to crumble. Anger will not bring anything useful to an already frought situation.
I'm having trouble working out why she did it.

I'd be really concerned too about her mental state, there's being broody and then there's this!

I'd also show her the thread and ask her why and allow her to talk. She's probably really depressed and needs help.

OP - I think you should all just calm down. Especially your dh. Frankly I'm not all that taken with his attitude about this. He was on the wrong foot with her in the first place, what with her being his brother's ex, and to me it all seems a bit like he's picking up the ball and running with it. Not safe with his nephews? What?
Dare I say it sounds a little bit like he's enjoying this? Sorry like - but it's all very high drama. He seems keen to tell people and cook up a storm, before you've even had a chance to talk to her.

I don't necessarily quite approve of that somehow.

Pictish, I disagree about my dh, he is the furthest sort of person from liking high drama that there is. He hates drama and conflict. The fact he is so concerned makes me think I'm not taking it seriously enough. I will talk to her calmly and carefully, I don't think the situation needs esculating, but goodness me cut us some slack, we've just read 28 seperate threads about OUR son being posed as someone elses, we're going to be a little shaken to say the least.
I've spoken to gp for advice. He knows sil very well and was concerned. He suggested I talked to her and asked her to go and see him.

Yes I do understand, but surely the first port of call is to confront her and hear what she has got to say?
If your dh tells his brother, then the whole thing becomes public information. It could have huge ramifications for her!
Just think you should all calm down and do what comes first...ie talking to her and telling her to remove the offending stuff immediately, before cooking up a shitstorm. It's the adult thing to do.

I agree and have convinced dh of that. I wanted to talk to gp as we're a small community and he has been great through the ms diagnosis.
I'm talking to her this afternoon now. The threads have already been removed.
I do agree our friendship as it is won't continue. Apologiesif I sounded ssnappy, feeling very emotional today and trying to think carefully how I broach the subject this pm. I think this is the cry of someone very vulnerable and however angry I feel at some of it, I do love her and do care. I want a positive outcome for her and I don't want to humiliate het at all.

It is a very odd situation and very sad too, you have my sympathy.

SIL is not behaving normally, and while that doesn't mean her own children are being adversely affected they might yet be. I think telling her ex is reasonable in the circumstances. At the very least, have they been emotionally neglected while this intense fantasy about your son was being played out?

That said, pictish makes fair points. Perhaps you could get your DH to delay telling his brother until after you've spoken to SIL and know more about what is really going on?

It's good that you've spoken to the gp and that they are worried by this as if she does speak to them they will be picking her up on it rather than dismissing you or your concerns.

I'm glad that you've managed to get out of doing the baby group - that would have been horribly stressful for you.

Is it worth making sure you have a copy of all the threads on the other site about your son so you can use them as evidence in case she tries to deny it later? If you use firefox or google chrome there are screen capture tools you can download that will capture an entire web page, often as a PDF or a web page or an image, that you can save on your pc and only print out as necessary.

Did the gp give any advice on talking to sil about this? How well do you think she will take to being asked to go and talk to the gp?

Good luck...

I really hope your SIL will go to talk to the GP, but I disagree that your DH's brother shouldn't be told.

I don't think it's a matter of tit for tat or revenge, or anything like that, the simple fact is, his ex wife and mother of his children, has been posting online pretending to be the mother of his brothers baby!

I think he has a right to know that, and would hopefully be supportive in helping her access the advice/ treatment/ support she needs.

This is a weird one isn't it? I think she is mentally ill and confronting her when you are angry is not going to help matters in the least. Of course it depends what outcome you want as well.

If you are prepared to lose the friendship then by all means accuse her of being a nutter who has no right to behave as she has been. I think that's understandable on your behalf but won't help this woman and will cost you a friend.

There's been advice about speaking to her gently and listening to what she has to say and I would before inclined to go with that if you want to maintain her friendship for the future.

I actually feel sorry for her, she has had some life changing news and is adapting to life with MS which must be hard. On the other hand something strange is going in and you can't ignore this. I think gentle confrontation and support will get you what you want in this situation but be very clear with her about what you are upset about and what you need from her for the father if you are to remain friends.

Future not father!

Maybe she got carried away but posted on a forum she knew you would see eventually hoping you'd notice...? No, that doesn't make sense - but of course you've every right to be shocked and upset. Sorry for her too in a way if she's battling demons and seeking escapism using your DS. If you can bring yourself to talk face to face it could stop this charade.

Going to the same GP even to flag up her actions doesn't mean they'd sit and discuss her with you whereas BIL knows how to contact her side of the family and can alert them to disturbing behaviour?

I'm afraid it is big.

Liara's advice was wise and compassionate. I hope that it does go well when you talk to her.

That's the best case. But I think you have to plan for worst case too; try to forsee what might happen and try to work out how to deal with it.

You clearly want to stay in touch with her and have the lovely closeness you've had til now. If you don't say anything, then that won't happen. Either things will build up til there's an explosion or your husband put this foot down or you will be swallowed up by her. It sounds to me as if you were already very uneasy about the way she was engulfing your small son, so this is a real possibility.

She's had an awful time, she is going off the rails a bit and if you don't face it now it will only get worse. I'm even slightly afraid she might take your child for a while. I most certainly wouldn't leave her alone with him.

Either way, I'm afraid that the warmth of the friendship might be ruined a while. Not your fault and not hers, not really, she doesn't sound in a good mental place atm, but sometimes very sad things happen.

I would try Liara's way. Offer to help with talking to doctors etc, show how much you care, but you do need to draw very firm lines and say exactly what you find acceptable and what not. No saying that 'he feels like hers', no trying to take over the mother's role in comforting and no special little nicknames. The last may sound harmless but her boundaries are very broken atm and at this point, she needs to be meticulous in not treating him in a special way. Hopefully if she's willing to listen at all (and she may not be, in which case, sorry, you'll need to back well away) then you can explain this gently and compassionately.

I would speak to her when your husband is there too. Cancel tomorrow's baby group and if she asks why, say that we need to speak to you. Arrange an evening for it when your husband is there too. Hopefully he will calm down and see what an awful situation she's in atm and how it's affecting her. It would help if he can stay calm during the talk. It woudl be best if your baby is not in the house at the time but at grandma's instead but really at 3 months that's not possible I'm guessing. This needs to be done in your house, on your territory btw.

It is sadly possible that it all goes south and that she cannot or will not listen to you. I'm sorry, but you do need to face the possibility that your closeness cannot continue. If that happens, you will need to mourn the loss of the closeness and to grieve for the very valuable friendship you have. It may be that she can't handle it at the time but comes around later when she is well again and you can rebuild, if it does go wrong.

This is so very sad. I hope that it can be resolved well for all your sakes.

gaaah did it again, missed the last page on a thread!

but you said she posted 28 threads where she was claiming your son as her own?! do you mean 28 separate threads, or 1 thread with 28 replies? I sincerely hope you mean the latter!

About her exH, on principle I'd say he needs to know about this but it also depends on how good a relationship they have. She's been a dear friend to you and if he is an unpleasant sort, he could use it as ammunition against her instead of seeing that the mother of his children, who presumably is still involved with them, needs help. Thats if your husband hasn't already told him.

I'd be furious too, but I hope that you can forgive her. She sounds ill not bad and while this is far far beyond the pale, she was your dearest friend for a long time.

also it might be worth using www.google.com/insidesearch/features/images/searchbyimage.html to see if she's posted any images elsewhere (thanks to the poster who linked image search on another thread!)

If she is having MH problems and these are addressed, I don't see why you can't get your friendship back on track.