Please tell me, is this as bad as I think?

[SpringtimeForHitler]

I really need advice, I just don't know what is normal anymore.

My DH works full time, often has to work til 1pm Saturday and sometimes Sunday too.

I was made redundant while on maternity leave with DD (who is now at school) and 3 years later had DS. DH's unpredictable hours would make it very difficult for me to work.

Last night we had an argument and he said he thinks I have used him to get what I want (kids and house) and now that I have it I've turned nasty.

His reasoning is that he doesn't get as much sex affection as he would like. My sex drive has nose-dived, I am always knackered, I do not find being a mother easy.

Every single time we have an argument he sneers get a job and says why don't we just get a divorce. The next morning it's like it never happened.

Is it normal for husbands or DP's to say things like this when you have an argument? I'm so tired of it.

I don't want to drip feed so I should say that around the time DD was born and for about a year after he was utterly vile to me. He used to say really horrible things. I threatened to leave and he promised to stop, which he did. But now I think maybe he hasn't stopped, maybe it was so bad back then that what he does now seems ok and not so bad??

Sorry, couldn't get back to the thread last night.

He saw a text from my mum come up on my phone, asked me what it was about. I thought I may as well be honest as I will have to tell him eventually.

I was sitting on the sofa and he came over, put his head in my lap and cried for ages.

He keeps repeating the same things over and over again, he's sorry, he's figured out why he is like this now, he can change etc etc. in the end I lost my temper a bit and shouted why now?!

I feel sad but so angry, I have cried so many times and he didn't take any notice. Only now when he realises I'm not prepared to be his doormat anymore, he suddenly has it all figured out. why?

I need to call and make an appointment to see the house, but it's half term now so I will have my children with me. How am I going to explain it to DD (5)?

I was searching through old threads last night to find threads with OPs similar to me, and so many people have stories of giving it one last go and then their H's going back to how they were 3,4,5 months down the line.

Also a lot of interesting posts I could relate to, with posters saying that even if their DH had changed it was too late because they didn't have it in them to try anymore, too much water under the bridge.

why now? because you have taken back the control and reversed the roles. I'm sure if you stayed it would slowly go back to his terms

He has been behaving like your Dad (not your Dad, but someone's horrible dad who shouts at them and makes them grovel for money) and now he is behaving like a child. UGH! The drama must be very tiring. Can you pretend it is happening on Eastenders instead and detach while you get the new house sorted? To be honest, your 5 year old is probably a bit scared of him too - just tell her he's got to work a lot for the moment?

Sounds very like my H
Marking place to come back later
Hope you & kids are ok

From my experience people can behave like arseholes and can change for the better.

Your DH may change his ways but only when he really understands what he stands to lose.

I don't think leaving is throwing it all away and may even be the saving of your marriage, but in the meantime it will be the saving of you.

Best of luck.

It's likely that he hasn't just figured it all out, but knew what he was doing all along. He knew he was upsetting you and sneering at you. That may be hard to hear. But this kind of behaviour tends to come from ingrained attitudes about you, and your role in his life.

Every single time we have an argument he sneers get a job and says why don't we just get a divorce. The next morning it's like it never happened.

He has got away with this, and the other behaviour, to date. He's crying because he thinks he's behaved perfectly reasonably, that everything would be OK if you gave him what he wanted and he 'tried' to be nicer. He's also crying because he's feeling hurt this time, and not you. He's hurt because you've had enough, but how things were actually suited him (except for the sex..)

You are fab and brave and strong.

Look at your little ones and think to yourself what a fabulous mother you are by extricating yourself and more importantly your kids from this fecked up relationship which will shape the way they form relationships in the future.

Good luck.

You can move out and consider whether or not you want to consider trying counselling together to see if you relationship can be any different.

He is crying because he has a glimpse of the life he may have to live and he doesn't like it; because things are no longer going his way; because you have rejected him; because he has lost control; because he is about to lose his favourite toys; there are so many reasons it is impossible to name them all. Psychologically, it is soooooo complicated.

What you need to do is what you are doing. You need space and time. You need to remove the children from a situation which gives them damaging role models about relationships.

Perhaps, one day, in the pretty far future, you will decide that actually he has changed enough, learnt enough about himself, worked hard enough on his attitudes and underlying beliefs, that he has become the good man that you thought he was, and then you could make a go of it.

But, that might never happen. I have heard that anger management and other perp programmes don't have a high long-terrm success rate . Please, anyone who know, correct me if I'm wrong (would love to be, and I really would like to know).

So, get into your new home, get into your new life, and above all, enjoy making your own decisions and taking charge of yourself. Live in happiness and freedom.

he is crying to manipulate you. that's all.

Morning, have finally got some peace and quiet, DH has taken the kids to his Dads for the day.

I have made an appointment to view the house on Tuesday. It looks lovely on a Rightmove but is unfurnished. I am worrying a bit about where I'm going to get furniture from but I'm sure it will be ok. There is an oven there but no fridge freezer or washing machine. I am going to register on freecycle I think.

Once I have the tenancy I will be able to claim housing benefit, income support etc, so I'm hoping it will be ok.

I'm still happy with my decision, just worried about DD, I will be taking her from a house that has everything to somewhere totally empty.

DH seems to have accepted what's happening for the moment, he apologised yesterday for how he had acted and said he understood why I felt enough is enough. I'm hoping he will be reasonable and let me take one of the sofas and some of the kitchen stuff.

Well remember it is your joint marital home and you are entitled to the very minimum of half of it really...

I would take the opportunity today to have a good sort out of household stuff and pack away things that you will need that won't leave him without at all IYSWIM - so divide up pans, crockery, utensils, towels, bedding etc.

I would imagine if you got yourself a job and anything else that gives you more independence, he'd get insecure and start levelling all kinds of accusations against you.

Honestly this could be my life you just described!

the sneers of 'if you cant do your job at home then get a real job'
the divorce threats.
Everything just rings a bell with me.

AND NO ITS NOT NORMAL!

You deserve to have someone who loves you, who wants to help you, who wants to do nice things for you and you do nice things back.

My stbEX ended up cheating because 2 months after having DS2 he didnt get enough 'attention' either.

I found strength in all these amazing mumsnetters and their advice and strength and told him I want a separation.

For the first time in i cant remember how long I am smiling again, having fun with the kids and not on the verge of tears. I am calm cool and collected.

Make yourself happy & dont stay for the sake of the kids because they would rather be happy with a single mummy than one that is miserable because she stayed with daddy.

I have developed a blister underneath my wedding ring, do you think it's a sign?

I have just re-read the whole thread. I agree Randommess, it's all half mine really isn't it? I'm going to make a list of what I will need I think.

I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself, I haven't even signed the tenancy yet, though the landlord seemed fine with it.

It's so strange, on the one hand I am terrified of being on my own with the children! but I have moments of pure happiness when I imagine me and my kids together! and being able to lock the door behind me.

This is lovely to read
I have moments of pure happiness when I imagine me and my kids together!
... and yes, it's a sign :-)

However, take care now. You have had the tears and promises to change, and more high pressure tactics are likely to follow. You know him, we don't, but I have to say this anyway: don't underestimate him.

You are doing great. Have you had legal advice about leaving the house though? Please make sure you get all that you and the DCs are entitled to.

just worried about DD, I will be taking her from a house that has everything to somewhere totally empty.

Children don't care that much about possessions.
She'll have a happier you.

Short conversation with do last night, I told him I will be taking things from the house. He said he had no problem with that, I could take one of the sofas and the kids beds, anything i needed. I'm aware that his good will might not last, but we shall see.

Had a really good driving lesson yesterday afternoon, so am in a good mood.

Still worrying about how I am going to explain going to view the house tomorrow to 5yo DD.

What would happen if you called his bluff,.

the next morning when he 'pretends it hasn't happened'

that's good he's being agreeable on that.

I'd just tell her that mummy and her are looking for a new house because they don't want to live together anymore & yous are going to get a special house. that yous both love her very much & see will still see daddy all the time.

Having a bad moment. My DD just looked over at me and said 'Mummy, why do you always look sad?' I made as joke of it and said it was just the way my face looks.

I think my heart just broke a little bit.