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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me, is this as bad as I think?

184 replies

SpringtimeForHitler · 21/10/2013 09:46

I really need advice, I just don't know what is normal anymore.

My DH works full time, often has to work til 1pm Saturday and sometimes Sunday too.

I was made redundant while on maternity leave with DD (who is now at school) and 3 years later had DS. DH's unpredictable hours would make it very difficult for me to work.

Last night we had an argument and he said he thinks I have used him to get what I want (kids and house) and now that I have it I've turned nasty.

His reasoning is that he doesn't get as much sex affection as he would like. My sex drive has nose-dived, I am always knackered, I do not find being a mother easy.

Every single time we have an argument he sneers get a job and says why don't we just get a divorce. The next morning it's like it never happened.

Is it normal for husbands or DP's to say things like this when you have an argument? I'm so tired of it. Sad

I don't want to drip feed so I should say that around the time DD was born and for about a year after he was utterly vile to me. He used to say really horrible things. I threatened to leave and he promised to stop, which he did. But now I think maybe he hasn't stopped, maybe it was so bad back then that what he does now seems ok and not so bad??

OP posts:
Coffeenowplease · 22/10/2013 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Lweji · 23/10/2013 08:41

The op knows it's pretty bad. She only posted here for confirmation.

It's the OP's OH who keeps talking of separating. Well, once too many times.

This (definitely not bitter :) ) hag wouldn't be surprised if OP's OH is posting on MN.

Lweji · 23/10/2013 08:45

And from someone who's been there, their pleas mean nothing.

Even if you consider going back, see how he behaves first. He should be an adult now, owning up to what he did and understanding why you want to leave.

Take care.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2013 08:49

So um, TeaJunky, do you think only a bitter woman would have a problem with the kind of behaviour the OP described?

QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2013 08:49

I agree that you should move as much of value that you can to your mums house, and get the ball rolling.

By the way, there are not many bitter hags on MN. Only women with a lot of experience of good and bad relationship and can tell a good one from a bad one.

Any poster advising to stay put with an abusive man speaks out of her arse and with her marbles down the drain. Wink

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 09:26

@Teajunky the thread is entitled 'is this as bad as I think?' The OP has been thinking it's bad since the arrival of her DD which was at least five years ago if the child is school age. Her mum thinks it's bad, her friend thinks it's bad. When someone is at the stage where they are asking anonymous internet hags something they've already worked out, they're not looking to have their mind changed... they're simply looking for reassurance.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2013 09:30

But Quint, if she doesn't stay put she will be throwing it all away! "It" being, as far as I can see, £150 a month. That's a fairly poor payoff for being abused and insulted several hours a day IMO, but each to their own.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2013 09:40

Pfftttt! Annie! Grin

TeaJunky · 23/10/2013 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 09:57

It's a message board.... The information is sketchy and the answers are instant. What are you expecting, long essays on the pros and cons of relationship management? Hmm

TeaJunky · 23/10/2013 09:59

Yes exactly exactly! The information is SKETCHY.

TeaJunky · 23/10/2013 10:02

And since some posts are nothing less than an 'essay', I don't think it's unreasonable to expect it to be a little more balanced.

And since your all such EXPERTS on relationships on here, why not teach people about relationship management?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 10:08

Why don't you teach it? MN is a bastion of free speech. As long as you don't insult anyone and can cope with others disagreeing with your opinion, you're fully entitled to say whatever you like. Play the ball, not the man...

QuintessentialShadows · 23/10/2013 10:09

Speak for yourself Teajunky, you may be old, you may be a hag. Wink
But I am not. I am also happily married. It means I can use my husband and our relationship as a good measure against what other posters experience. I am putting myself into the OPs shoes and thinking what I would do if MY husband was behaving in similar ways. I see what I think is wrong in their relationship on the basis of what is good about mine. If anybody were to call me something, it would be "smug married" rather than bitter.

Why on earth should any woman put up with such arguments, and be made to feel so low? Clearly he knows what he is doing, as he is able to stop it now and then. He could chose to stop for good, yet he isnt. He only modifies his behaviour when he thinks that OP has had enough, and only for a short while. The rest of the time he is grinding her down, threatening her that she should get a job, when he knows that she full well cant, as long as HE is working the shifts he does. Why taunt her like this? Why sneer at her? Why tease her with advising her to "just divorce" him if she does not like his behaviour? He is ASKING her to divorce her because he sure as hell is not going to stop being nasty to her. Why would she put up with that, Teajunky?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2013 10:10

Excuse me, I am a bitter middle-aged hag.

TeaJunky · 23/10/2013 10:19

Annie, middle-aged hags don't count.
You have to be proper old.Wink

Quint, hmmmm. Now that you put it like that, he does sound like an utter nob. And get lost, I'm obviously too immature to be a hag yet Grin

TurnipCake · 23/10/2013 10:30

How are you today, OP? Definitely talk to supportive friends and your mum sounds wonderful.

My abusive ex did the sobbing and pleading, he actually wrapped himself around my ankles. I would have pitied him had it not been years of vile abuse he subjected me to.

Do be aware your husband can and probably will turn nasty, the point where they realise the partner really will leave is when abusers up the ante. Make sure you stay safe x

Wellwobbly · 23/10/2013 10:31

By the way, Teajunky, I thought your advice to that poor married woman whose husband told her he was God, was absolutely brilliant. Well done! I think of everyone, you got through her utter confusion a bit.

Flibbertyjibbet · 23/10/2013 10:32

I am neither bitter nor a hag.

I left my abusive ex 20 years ago before there was a any mumsnet or internet. I had no-one to ask if my relationship was normal so I went along thinking it was, until one day I woke up and decided that the worst of it wasn't.

The things that were not 'the worst of it' was the emotional and financial abuse (even though I earned more than him and no kids!!) but I didn't realise that these were abuse. Thought we just didn't get on, and that he was a bit tight fisted. Having no one to bounce all this off made me think it was normal, and tainted my view of relationships for a long time.

With hindsight I NEEDED a bunch of internet strangers to jump up shouting 'leave the bastard' and offering me virtual support in how to make that scary leap into the unkown.

OP you have done the hardest thing which is facing up to how bad things are and deciding to do something about it.

He will cry and beg (mine threatened suicide) but these are all about him getting you back under his control, and, not having to face the world and say 'my wife left me'. He says he won't move out because he doesn't think you will move out with the kids. Let him sit in a house with no equity. In fact let him sell it and buy something else just in his name and you have a fresh start.

Good luck and don't be swayed by all the emotional blackmail that is about to be unleashed, followed quickly by anger.

TeaJunky · 23/10/2013 10:39

Oh. Thanks wellwobbly! Brew

I need to start behaving myself now.

People are recognising me Grin

Coffeenowplease · 23/10/2013 10:53

Er. Why was I deleted ? I didnt make a personal attack. Or shout troll.

Original poster
SpringtimeForHitler · 23/10/2013 10:55

I will go back and read all your lovely replies in a moment, but I really need some advice.

He will not accept my decision. Constant tears (from him) all I have heard from the last 24 hours is

I don't want this to happen
I don't want to split up
There's still a chance
Etc etc.

He will not listen to me.

Now he has decided we will talk tonight, and tell me how he will be better, he's got a plan.
He is texting me ideas for where we can take the kids for a day out on Sunday, will I come, the kids will love it.

I have not swayed at all, but I haven't been cruel or shouted, have just calmly explained that it's over, we can still be good parents.

It's just hard to see someone so upset, even though it's the right decision. I don't want to make anyone cry.

OP posts:
Coffeenowplease · 23/10/2013 10:59

Honestly I would not respond. Dont be drawn. When he comes home just repeat that as far as you are concerned it is over.

But someone may have better advice in a few.

AKissIsNotAContract · 23/10/2013 11:00

The only reason he is crying and you aren't is because you have already done all yours. Don't be taken in by the tears. you are doing the right thing.

Lweji · 23/10/2013 11:01

Quint, hmmmm. Now that you put it like that, he does sound like an utter nob.

Did you even bother to read the OP and the other posts?
It's not only women who are beaten up, or whose husbands call themselves God, that deserve sympathy or that need to LTB.

Certainly posts should not be read lightly just to say "don't throw it all away" when you haven't even read them properly and start calling other posters names and start banter. I enjoy a good banter, but not when there is someone in pain who started a difficult thread about leaving her husband or not.