Please tell me, is this as bad as I think?

[SpringtimeForHitler]

I really need advice, I just don't know what is normal anymore.

My DH works full time, often has to work til 1pm Saturday and sometimes Sunday too.

I was made redundant while on maternity leave with DD (who is now at school) and 3 years later had DS. DH's unpredictable hours would make it very difficult for me to work.

Last night we had an argument and he said he thinks I have used him to get what I want (kids and house) and now that I have it I've turned nasty.

His reasoning is that he doesn't get as much sex affection as he would like. My sex drive has nose-dived, I am always knackered, I do not find being a mother easy.

Every single time we have an argument he sneers get a job and says why don't we just get a divorce. The next morning it's like it never happened.

Is it normal for husbands or DP's to say things like this when you have an argument? I'm so tired of it.

I don't want to drip feed so I should say that around the time DD was born and for about a year after he was utterly vile to me. He used to say really horrible things. I threatened to leave and he promised to stop, which he did. But now I think maybe he hasn't stopped, maybe it was so bad back then that what he does now seems ok and not so bad??

[Reprint]

Sometimes it takes a long long time to wake up to the reality of your life, and realise that your situation is a long way from what should be a relaxed and happy life.

No-one can tell you what to do, but you do know - deep down - whether or not you are fundamentally unhappy, and whether the way you are treated is a long way from OK. Only you know that.
I always say that there is one criteria to apply, in making these decisions - regardless of any external input. Do you genuinely feel that anything, ANYTHING, would be preferable to the way you live now?
Personally, I would have lived in a tent with nothing, rather than stay.
Because anything would have been better than my life as it was.

For what it is worth, OP, I was devastated that my family was finally breaking up - giving my DCs a secure family was a fundamental driver. They were adults when I finally found my courage ........ they have since told me they wished I had done it when they were small !!!!!!
Never, ever stay for the sake of the children. They thrive best with a happy confident Mum.

[Lweji]

He has had plenty of time to be the man he now claims he can be.
You are so right.

I got the same from my exH. He had always been the one wanting to leave, until I told him he could go. He turned violent very quickly. And then pleading, threatening suicide, when I did told him we were finished and when I did leave.

Do be careful.
This is the most dangerous time, when he feels he is losing the control he has had over you.
IMO, the sooner you leave the better.

[wordyBird]

I think Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why does he do that?' was so named because so many women asked the same question, Springtime. It makes an enlightening read if you can get hold of a copy.

Stick to your intentions, but as Lweji says, be careful.

[SpringtimeForHitler]

More of the same today. Has already called me once and cried down the phone for ten minutes.

I think his plan is to wear me down.

[Lweji]

Could you not answer the phone?
Presumably you're still in the same house, so no need for pestering during the day.

Or cut it short saying the time for talks is well over.

And all that pestering worries me, TBH. You are better placed to judge, but I do think it's best if you leave as soon as you can and do not tell him when. Just go or get someone else to be with you.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I wouldn't answer the phone.
Try not to engage unless you have to.
You know what the script will be now and he will play it out and play it out.
You do NOT have to listen.
Start taking control back.
I must be really hard for you.
What are plans now for the coming weeks?

[SpringtimeForHitler]

My mum says the landlords she knows don't have any available houses that are close enough to DD's school

My mums house is half an hours drive away so can't stay there, would be hard to get DD to school.

As long as we are under the same roof he will think there is a chance, I really need to find something quickly.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Is it half term for you next week?
Could you at least get some space away and stay with your mum next week?
Might be an option, not sure though.
Go to your local housing authority and see what they can do.
Explain the situation so they make you a priority.
Someone else may have some better options for you.
Sorry you can't get out easily right now.
It will all fall into place soon though.

[Lweji]

It might be worth for a couple of weeks. Just to make sure you are both safe and you don't have someone pestering you.

I remember the time when I was leaving exH. He had already been violent, although more of the ego bruising, but the atmosphere and the his pressure were awful.

See how it goes, but I'd make sure I had some things already packed (important things already at your mother's if you can).

I ended up leaving with my hand bag and DS because of his threats.

Yours doesn't seem to be there yet, but I don't wish it on anyone.

[Lweji]

My writing in the previous post is awful too...

[Flibbertyjibbet]

I was sucked into all the 'I'll change' crap. I had nowhere to go straight away so I decided to let HIM walk on eggshells for a couple of weeks and see how HE liked it. TBH those two weeks was my final deciding factor because it revolted me to see him being all false nice and grovelling after the years of abuse.

One of his abuses was financial, and suddenly he was trying to give me money for things, buying me gifts. But he only had the cash to do that because he'd saved all his own salary while mine was used for all the outgoings! I told him that if we were to start again, he would have to transfer half the value of all the outgoings into my account so that we could have complete financial equality and that everything would be shared from now on.

It lasted two weeks before his behaviour lapsed and he whined about me driving 2 miles more than him that week when he had filled up the car.

I was gone shortly after that, and the sum he had transferred to me was the deposit on my next home.

OP you could stay where you are for a few weeks, rather than rush into some unsuitable accom. As long as you keep planning for your escpae that's the main thing. If I were you I would tell him when you have his 'talk' exactly what you are unhappy about, and tell him that if you are to continue as a couple you need complete equality of finances and that you should have full access to all FAMILY money, not a very stingy £150 per month. Acccess to all his salary in a joint account. And watch his face because he will backpedal over that one and then even if all the rest of his behaviour miraculously improves, you will still have your reason for leaving, that he did not allow you access to family finances.

[Lweji]

Good point.

You can give him a chance to change, but you don't have to take him back even if he changes.

At the very least it may take him off your back a bit.

See what happens.

Mine was all "but after a month we have to be ok again". That was an immediate fail. But I didn't tell him and he was on better behaviour, at least until he drank again.

Still, don't let the thought of getting ideal accommodation prevent you from leaving if it gets dangerous in any way.
I's better to have 4-6 months renting a less than desirable place and move then, than taking risks.

[EllieInAnyFuckinRoom]

Wow OP I had to reply because what you are going through is a lot like what is happening here with me. Our Hs sound so similar in their arseholeishness!

H will also not accept its over. He cries and begs says its not. He has decided he needs to see a therapist for his self pitying and self destructive behaviour (because how he has treated me the last three years can't possibly be his fault).

The only way to get him to agree to stay at his DMs was after I persuaded him I would talk about our future after six weeks of living apart and him having therapy.

Could you persuade him you will try again after a short separation to get him out of the house?

[SpringtimeForHitler]

I am going to try and persuade him to go to his dads, I'm not sure that he will go, but it's worth a try I suppose.

ellie I have had the begging too. Suddenly he has decided he knows all the answers, after 5 years. Only now when he can see that I'm serious

[Jux]

Better an hour driving to and from school twice a day, than living with him, thoughh, surely?

[SpringtimeForHitler]

I can't drive Jux, I have just started my lessons.

[Lweji]

The begging lasts a long time, usually interspersed with the threats (emotional and/or physical).
Brace yourself.

But do try to find other landlords anyway.

[Jux]

Springtime, I'm sorry! I did read that but obviously my brain wasn't working - ridiculous, as I don't drive either. There may be a school bus though. Worth trying to find out. DD has lots of fun on her journeys to and from school; it's an opportunity to mix with pupils she wouldn't have met otherwise.

[Delilahlilah]

Spring, I think you need to work this from knowing how he thinks. Try asking him to go to his dad's to give you some space, if he refuses, point out that he is not respecting you and he is shooting himself in the foot. How can you consider things being different when he won't even do one thing you have asked? Hopefully he will do as you ask.
Please be careful if you continue under the same roof as the tears will dry up soon,and they are usually followed by anger and indignation.
Good for you taking steps to make your life better. I hope your new start is good for you, and you get a house very soon.

[teaselweasel]

I spent 7 years with a selfish emotional retard. I felt like as I was walking on eggshells around him. I'm glad I didn't breed with him and I left once my salary was high enough to buy a house.

Please consider leaving this man, he won't change and once you decide to leave,he'll beg and grovel but he won't change. I regret wasting 7 of the best years of my life with this arse (28-35). You will never get those years back. I know plenty of single parent friends who are happy to have left their exes despite the hardships they face. Would you get support from your family with regards to childcare eric. Are the grandparents living nearby?

[teaselweasel]

The older we get, the older it gets to find another partner. Don't throw away your youth on him. You are worth a lot more.

[SpringtimeForHitler]

My mum has found a house, she's offered to put up nearly £1000 for deposits etc. Jesus,

[Lweji]

Go girl. :)

Your mother clearly thinks you need to get out. Listen to her.

[cloudskitchen]

Just delurking to say your mum sounds like a star. I hope you get out of that situation soon..

[Jux]

Brilliant! How soon can you get in?