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Relationships

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Original poster

I'm a fool, aren't I!

81 replies

Prforone · 21/10/2013 01:55

Been dwelling on this all evening and think I need some wise MNers to tell me to pick myself up before I go insane!

Boyfriend of 7 months (but known him a hell of a lot longer!) has a teenage son who refuses to meet me. Boyfriend doesn't want to push his DS into an uncomfortable position - fair enough. So every other weekend, I don't get to see the boyfriend as he has his DS. Also fair enough - though a little jarring as the weekends he has DS are also the weekends my XH has DD!

Anyways, boyfriend visited one night last week for dinner, brought some work shirts and some hand wash-only items with him. Asked if I could drop the shirts in to the dry cleaners to be pressed as he wouldn't get time this weekend. Also said to ask dry cleaner if they could deal with his hand wash-only items. I said "don't be silly, I can wash them for you, and I can also iron your shirts." So this weekend, whilst on my lonesome, that's exactly what I've done.

No real hardship as I was doing laundry anyway, but in return I've heard nothing from him all weekend, save for one text saying hi. Then he calls me late this afternoon from the car, after dropping his DS back to his ex and asks if he can come over. Great, I think - had a very dull weekend of housework and sleeping and not much else and can't wait to see him. "Okay, well, I'm going to pop down the pub now, have a few drinks, then go home and get some dinner, then I'll be over about 9-ish. Okay?"

To say I was a little disappointed that he wasn't going to rush over to see me would be an understatement, but I thought oh well, it's better than nothing, so I agreed. Then he says "Oh, by the way, DS is at a family do next Saturday so I'm going to have him Friday night and all day Sunday next weekend instead."

I know deep down this is a really unreasonable thing to say, but I was absolutely gutted by this as my birthday is next Sunday and now I'm going to spend it all alone (my DD will be with her dad). Boyfriend and I did have plans for that day but now he's seeing his DS instead and because of DS's reluctance to meet me (and boyfriend letting his DS rule him), I'm left out in the cold. I'm away with DD the following day for a half-term break so this was our only chance to go out and do something nice.

I find myself constantly doing things to help the boyfriend out (the whole ironing shirts/washing is just one example - there's plenty more I do/have done!) I do these things willingly because I love him - but I honestly feel like it's a one-way street and he only sees me when he's got nothing better to do (or needs an errand run!).

I'm a fool, aren't I?!?

OP posts:

Shellywelly1973 · 21/10/2013 02:12

Your not a fool but speaking from experience, ask yourself what do YOU want & get from this relationship?

I could almost have written your post 14 years ago. Im still with dp. He's exactly the same as he was 14 years ago. I do everything, he does nothing.

So if you want to feel as you do tonight, carry on but you don't want to feel like this or you wouldn't have posted.

His ds isn't the main issue, its the way your bf never prioritises you...

Think long term. Think of your own worth... oh I wish I had.

pudseypie · 21/10/2013 02:13

Hmm I hate to say it but from the bits you have said it does sound like everything is on his terms and he's using you a bit. Surely he could have dropped his shirts off himself but he must have known you would offer to do them. And did he mention doing anything on the Saturday instead for your birthday? Think you might have to get a little tough with him or take a step back from the relationship for a little while and see if that focuses his mind. Not suggesting splitting up but maybe arrange to see friends one day at the weekend and just see him the other day to give you some balance and show him you aren't always at his beck and call?

MistressDeeCee · 21/10/2013 02:29

You're not a fool at all. You're kindhearted, maybe a bit of a nurturer, nothing wrong with that. However this man is emotionally unavailable and conveniently using his son as a 'prop' in between the 2 of you. I bet he's got a whole other life going on too. His DS is a teen...do you REALLY think a teen is spending all day and into the evening & night with dad as opposed to mates, girlfriend, whatever? He's making it sound as if he has a young DS and childcare responsibilities!

This man is a user and you deserve far, far better; its only been a few months, get rid of him and find someone who deserves and appreciates you, and will actually focus on building a relationship with you as opposed to erecting false barriers

MiniMonty · 21/10/2013 02:44

Lots to say...

None of this is about shirts.

Either you love him OR you feel it's a one way street (which makes you a doormat). Do you love the man who makes you a doormat?

Good fathers who have to "visit" their children will make a huge effort because having generally been denied decent contact by the mother and had to fight for it in court they will make the effort (and extra effort) to make it work and work out well. (most men are decent and most want to be good dads). Fathers ARE punished in court. It IS unfair and it DOES cause long term problems.

Your end of this doesn't sound good as it is - so change it.
Draw some lines in the sand - set some ultimatums.
If your vibe on the man is long term then OF COURSE you have to meet the teenage son. It is the Father's responsibility to make clear to his son that his relationship with you is serious. The boy is a teenager and if his father makes clear to him that it's serious with you then he will also make clear that you must meet and whatever flows on from that first meeting over time may turn into a great long term relationship with you as a bonus parent.

If Dad won't do it - - take a lesson - he doesn't see it as serious with you.
OUCH...

Whatever he says and however much blames it out loud on anyone else - if he sees a serious future with you he will have you involved with his children and him involved with yours ASAP.

ANY OTHER VERSION is a mask for another motive.

It's sometimes nice to see it written down in black and white isn't it ?

ANY OTHER VERSION is a mask for another motive

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 06:22

Nothing more soul-destroying than unreciprocated affection. I don't think you're a fool but I think your boyfriend is taking you for granted, doesn't really see you as an important part of his life and has you very low down on his priority list. I think the DS is a red herring.... what 17yo really wants to spend all weekend with dear old Dad? Loving someone like that is a big waste of emotion.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2013 07:24

"Okay, well, I'm going to pop down the pub now, have a few drinks, then go home and get some dinner, then I'll be over about 9-ish. Okay?"

Someone who actually wanted to see you, rather than a quick shag and to collect the shirts you have lovingly cleaned and pressed for him, would possibly suggest going down the pub with you, followed by dinner with you.

There really doesn't seem to be a lot of future in this.

(Or maybe I just get irritated whenever anyone mentions laundry.)

BooHissy · 21/10/2013 07:35

Could you ask your DD dad to swap weekends so you get to spend you birthday with her?

I don't think you're a fool.

But you would be to stay in a relationship like this. He's REALLY not into you at all, and the laundry thing is just the shitty sprinkle on the cake.

End it now, before you think anything more about it, and put yourself first!

This man is not good enough.

BooHissy · 21/10/2013 07:36

And yes Annie, that pub, dinner and THEN pop round and use see you got me irrationally ragey too!

PervCat · 21/10/2013 07:38

IRONING?? bloody hell woman

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 07:56

Thanks for all your replies.

Cogito, perhaps I should have mentioned DS is only just a teen, not a late one. And the boyfriend is in the middle of a messy divorce and doesn't want to rock the boat with regards to contact with his DS (she's kept him away from him before).

Hell, look at me - I'm making excuses for being treated like a doormat by him. See? Foolish!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2013 07:58

I was going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up because I think you were taught a lot of damaging rubbish that has been carried forward to today. I do not actually think you actually know what love is let alone what a truly loving relationship is all about, this guy is taking you for a right mug.

You are also allowing this to happen to you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?. You simply cannot act as either a rescuer or a saviour in a relationship.

I would suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Ditch him before any more of your already low self worth goes down the pan. He's no decent boyfriend material at all, he is just happy he has a washer woman who is currently willing to do his ironing for him. He is also not above using his son as a buffer between the two of you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2013 08:00

Also I would argue that someone who is in the middle of a "messy divorce" is in no way ready to embark on yet another relationship. He also sounds like the sort of person who cannot afford to be ever on his own (because then he would have to look after his own self) and needs to be in a relationship all the bloody time to somehow validate his own existence.

Lazyjaney · 21/10/2013 08:10

It sounds like he has a lot on his plate so it's easy to see why you have done what you have so far - but the pub, dinner, 9 o'clock booty call episode is taking the piss. Time for a Strong Talk I think.

mummytime · 21/10/2013 08:11

Don't do his shirts. Tell him honestly that you feel used. That you are upset about your birthday. And so on.

You are being a fool for hiding from him how his (selfish) actions make you feel. If he really cared it might bring him up short.

But if he is "still going through a messy divorce" you should call it quits until that is at least all over. He doesn't have the head space to commit to you, so it will be a case of him using you. Don't let him.

Go out and make some nice friends so you have someone to celebrate your birthday with, to pop out for a drink when DD is at her Dads, etc. Have fun. Then maybe later on have a relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 09:38

Yes, definitely walk away from someone in a messy divorce situation. You have the right to demand stuff for yourself. You're not on the planet simply to fit with everyone's plans and be there when they whistle...

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 09:41

Yes

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 21/10/2013 09:46

He's very cleverly taking the piss out of you, and you're letting him ; (

JeanSeberg · 21/10/2013 09:47

I wouldn't even have a talk with him, what will that achieve? Just stop making yourself available whenever he wants you to be, fill your time with friends, be busy with other stuff and I bet he'll soon fade away.

And for the future, have a list of minimum requirements from a potential partner before you even agree to a first date. These should include not getting involved with someone in the middle of a 'messy divorce' (although I'd like to hear his wife's version of events).

KitZacJak · 21/10/2013 09:57

It doesn't seem like his son is the issue here. It seems reasonable that if he is going through a messy divorce it is too early for the son to meet you. It seems like he is as he could have suggested taking you out for dinner, not going to the pub then coming round to yours at 9pm.

Wellwobbly · 21/10/2013 10:05

in the middle of a messy divorce - RUN.

Don't let yourself be used.

Tell us: was the popping in after 9 after HE had been for drinks and HE had had dinner - did it involve a shag, and did he ask for his laundry?

If so, follow your feelings and well done OP - your annoyance is spot on!

hellsbellsmelons · 21/10/2013 10:23

You feel used because you are letting him use you.

'Can you take my shirts to dry cleaners' - No I can't. What is stopping your from doing that!

I agree with others - he's taking the p!ss.
Up to you what you want to put up with but I know I wouldn't.

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 10:28

Doing his laundry won't make him respect you. Being a "cool girlfriend" won't make him respect you.

I would consider very carefully how "attached" he still is to his wife, tbh.

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 21/10/2013 10:50

Definitely don't do his laundry or help him out, you don't even live together and definitely don't make yourself available when he says he can come around.
When he has his son drop into conversation that you are looking forward to being child free for the weekend and are going out to enjoy yourself.

Make him work for being able to spend time in your company. The more you do for him the more he will treat you as someone who will always be there who doesn't require any input.

If he doesn't up his game leave you are wasting your time.

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2013 10:51

He has to put his son first, that's a given for any of us. But you're not second on the list, OP. Why didn't he say, "Meet me at the pub and I'll cook us a meal"? He basically turned up for his washing - and sorry, I think you were completely daft to do that. Really mad. He lives alone; he's had plenty of time to wash his shirts! He's used to getting them done in his marriage and now you're doing them.

Personally I wouldn't have a chat or anything like that. He's shown you by his actions what he thinks of you. Move on and spend time with people who do value you.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 11:08

Why is the 13 year old refusing to meet you?

Why did the ex-wife allegedly try to stop contact between father and son?

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