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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm a fool, aren't I!

81 replies

Prforone · 21/10/2013 01:55

Been dwelling on this all evening and think I need some wise MNers to tell me to pick myself up before I go insane!

Boyfriend of 7 months (but known him a hell of a lot longer!) has a teenage son who refuses to meet me. Boyfriend doesn't want to push his DS into an uncomfortable position - fair enough. So every other weekend, I don't get to see the boyfriend as he has his DS. Also fair enough - though a little jarring as the weekends he has DS are also the weekends my XH has DD!

Anyways, boyfriend visited one night last week for dinner, brought some work shirts and some hand wash-only items with him. Asked if I could drop the shirts in to the dry cleaners to be pressed as he wouldn't get time this weekend. Also said to ask dry cleaner if they could deal with his hand wash-only items. I said "don't be silly, I can wash them for you, and I can also iron your shirts." So this weekend, whilst on my lonesome, that's exactly what I've done.

No real hardship as I was doing laundry anyway, but in return I've heard nothing from him all weekend, save for one text saying hi. Then he calls me late this afternoon from the car, after dropping his DS back to his ex and asks if he can come over. Great, I think - had a very dull weekend of housework and sleeping and not much else and can't wait to see him. "Okay, well, I'm going to pop down the pub now, have a few drinks, then go home and get some dinner, then I'll be over about 9-ish. Okay?"

To say I was a little disappointed that he wasn't going to rush over to see me would be an understatement, but I thought oh well, it's better than nothing, so I agreed. Then he says "Oh, by the way, DS is at a family do next Saturday so I'm going to have him Friday night and all day Sunday next weekend instead."

I know deep down this is a really unreasonable thing to say, but I was absolutely gutted by this as my birthday is next Sunday and now I'm going to spend it all alone (my DD will be with her dad). Boyfriend and I did have plans for that day but now he's seeing his DS instead and because of DS's reluctance to meet me (and boyfriend letting his DS rule him), I'm left out in the cold. I'm away with DD the following day for a half-term break so this was our only chance to go out and do something nice.

I find myself constantly doing things to help the boyfriend out (the whole ironing shirts/washing is just one example - there's plenty more I do/have done!) I do these things willingly because I love him - but I honestly feel like it's a one-way street and he only sees me when he's got nothing better to do (or needs an errand run!).

I'm a fool, aren't I?!?

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 21/10/2013 11:14

I don't believe the 13 year old is refusing to meet her, I doubt it's even been mentioned to him.

And regarding the ex-wife, as I said previously, I'd love to hear her side of events...

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 11:28

Well, I can see a 13 year old refusing to meet the person who was involved in his parents' marriage break-up, but don't want to assume. OP says she's been seeing the bloke for 7 months but has known him a lot longer. If this was an affair, it's hardly surprising that this bloke's turned out to be this selfish and entitled, is it?

Equally I can see that a bloke this selfish would unhesitatingly lie and blame both his son and his ex-wife for things that are completely untrue, in order to conceal the fact that he doesn't want to spend much time with the OP at all, except for the odd shag and domestic services.

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 11:29

Thanks for all your further replies - they're very inspirational.

Just think I need to fill in a few gaps .....

Firstly, would just like to point out, he didn't come round for his shirts as I told him not to bother coming round last night.

Secondly, without going into too much detail, STBXW had an affair a few years ago, chucked him out of the house and instantly moved new partner in. (I know this to absolutely be the case, because of friends in common). DS was traumatised by this as the first he knew was new partner moving in. I say they're going through a messy divorce - not strictly true. She won't divorce him, says she can't afford to (although she can, she just doesn't want to risk losing her lovely house ). And when boyfriend said he'd divorce her, she said she would leave the country, taking their DS with her. So it's messy nonetheless

OP posts:

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 11:31

And no, we didn't have an affair!

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 11:37

So how long a gap was there between the marriage break up and your relationship starting?

Have you had any of this stuff about the DS's refusal and the ex wife's empty threats corroborated, or is he just telling you all this?

Ever met her and talked to her for example?

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 11:37

Ah, so you are seeing a married man. All kinds of wrongness there.

Move on, love. Chuck this one back, unless you a) love the drama of it b) don't mind being treated like a mug

Scarletohello · 21/10/2013 11:44

It sounds like he is using u or at the least not respecting you.

I also can't see a happy future for u with this man.

I recommend reading the Baggage Reclaim website, I think u might find some very useful insights on there.

Best of luck, I do feel for u.

Granville72 · 21/10/2013 11:49

Move on. Good that he has his son but he's using you as a door mat and I think you know that.

The 'pop my dry cleaning down the laundry for me love' would have been met with silence. If he's got time to go to the pub then he can do his own blinking laundry. And don't offer to do it for him either.

Leave him to sort his marriage out and maybe resume the relationship when that is done and he's in the right place for it

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 12:04

Gap between marriage breakdown and our relationship starting - 18 months.

And he's separated so don't see the "wrongness" - sorry.

I think the comment that's really struck a chord with me is the one about him not seeing our relationship as long term if he won't put his foot down about the DS getting to know me at all.

See, I knew I could count on the wisdom of MNers to clarify things for me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 12:07

By the way, I do accept that separated means still married in the eyes of the law .....

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:13

I meant the "wrongness" to be from your POV

he isn't free from the entanglements of his marriage, as evidenced by you being a very very long way down his list of priorities

and if he isn't divorced or even close yet, there will be a truckload more of this shit to come

to hang around for such a bloke should mean his arse is studded with diamonds and he treats you absolutely faultlessly

but he doesn't, so you shouldn't

he simply isn't worth the hassle

BeCool · 21/10/2013 12:18

First things first - stop doing his laundry/dry cleaning etc. You are not his skivvy. "I'm doing it anyway" does not matter - does he do your laundry as he is doing his anyway? No?

If you do decide to stick with the relationship, make sure you have plenty of fun things lined up for the next weekend your DD is away and he is with his DS. And keep him posted as to how much fun you are having over the weekend.

He sounds still uncommitted and isn't really making an effort. You are possibly just a pleasant distraction from the rest of his life. But no you are not a fool (laundry issues aside ) - you sound very nice.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 12:18

You're not answering any questions about why the DS is allegedly refusing to meet you, or whether any of these claims have been corroborated by you. Similarly, if he's the only one who's told you his wife used to deny contact, you've only got his word for it.

Like others, I'd love to hear his ex wife's version of events, or his son's.

In a nutshell though, he just isnt that into you. He wants you for specific activities, but not the main event and he doesn't appear to give anything much to you apart from sex and his laundry.

mummytime · 21/10/2013 12:20

I love your post, I wondered who had written such clear sense, then saw it was you Scary!

Prforone - Do go out and have fun!

JeanSeberg · 21/10/2013 12:22

I hate the term 'baggage' and I definitely don't see children as baggage, just to clarify. But his set-up sounds exhausting just reading about it, never mind living it.

I wouldn't have even gone on a first date with him, never mind put up with it for 7 months.

Dump him and find someone with no complications.

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 12:37

Leavenheath, why is the DS refusing to meet me? I'm told it's because he doesn't want to upset his mum. Though I personally fail to understand why she would be upset when she has already moved on.

But I do know that boyfriend got it in the ear from her when DS mentioned to her that "dad has a girlfriend now". She wanted to know why he hadn't run the notion past her first .....

This is truly fucked up

OP posts:

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 12:38

Arse studded with diamonds?!? LMAO!!!!

Thank you, ladies. Amongst all this madness and upset, you've managed to raise a smile

OP posts:

SpottyDottie · 21/10/2013 12:40

What struck me from your Op was that he went to the pub and didn't ask you along. He doesn't have you very high on his list of priorities does he?

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:40

< takes a bow >

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 12:41

Nothing to say, scary?!!?

OP posts:

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 12:42

Spotty, not that this excuses anything else, but I didn't get invited to the pub as he knew my DD was on her way back to me.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:44

You want the speeches too ??

I want to thank me mam, me dad and The Academy for voting for me. < starts sobbing uncontrollably >

CressidaMontgomery · 21/10/2013 12:48

I think that the actual issue here is that you are not a priority for him. You are a second thought. It's irrelevant when he sees his son or whatever - this is all about you coming low down on the list of things to do.

Give him a rocket up his arse and bin him off.

Leavenheath · 21/10/2013 13:00

But I do know that boyfriend got it in the ear from her when DS mentioned to her that "dad has a girlfriend now". She wanted to know why he hadn't run the notion past her first .....

Who said that? Him?

If so, no you don't know that. You are being told that, which is something else entirely.

None of what you 'know' sounds remotely plausible. It's the usual story of a new woman believing a load of old rubbish about the previous one, despite no corroboration and never meeting her personally.

Men like your boyfriend trade on some women's tendency to do this. Whereas if more women talked to eachother and took what the men in their lives said about them with a large pinch of salt, they wouldn't make so many mistakes about unsuitable and unavailable men.

Original poster

Prforone · 21/10/2013 13:05

No, not heard from him but his mate.

But you're right - without hearing the other side of the story, I have no substantial evidence of the truth. I guess when you love someone, you believe what you're told. And I guess that makes me too trusting.

OP posts:

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